LCD Views

“Amber’s mistake was writing her lies down on paper and not on the side of a big, red bus,” professional truth talker Boris Johnson MP (for Ruin) told us this morning over croissants and flat whites so trendy they were served on plates to make them really flat.

“How is one supposed to drink these bally coffees?” Boris wanted to know, “they should serve them with a straw.”

Your mate Gove has banned straws.

“Fracking hell, that’s right. Little sod. He should ban knives. I’d sleep better.”

So tell us about Amber Rudd’s mistakes?

“Rookie errors really,” Boris says, lifting his plate of coffee up and slurping at the edge, “It’s a question of perspective really. As regards the people you’re lying to. Make it big and bold as brass. And make it vague! Don’t write it down clearly on paper with official letterheads. I’ve no sympathy for her. Pieces of paper are so easily leaked…if you’ve the right person at a big newspaper. A big bus is watertight.”

But your big bus lie was filmed. It’s there forever. Paper can be shredded.

“Written down words are really small. Like ants. You never get them all. But a suggestion, that’s wriggle room, emblazoned on the side of a moving target that will be interpreted as a promise? That’s the magic touch. Class act.”

Amber stuck it out a long time though.

“Wouldn’t you? One step away from the throne? A career of ruined businesses behind her? What’s she going to do? Go back into private enterprise? With her CV?!

Now, must dash, I have to go and prep a close family member to start leaking stuff about Javid to the papers. Got to keep the instability going. This is how I survive. This is how I prosper. One headline after another. Just think of the success he’s made of housing. Record rough sleeping. He’s primed already.”

And the country? What about the country?

“Party before country. We know it. Labour knows it. But me before party. And I am the country now. I am its face to the world.”

That doesn’t help me sleep well at night.

What are you doing about getting Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of jail in Iran? That would be a good headline for you.

But he was already gone.

A group of foxes have started a parliamentary petition to have International Business Secretary Liam Fox stripped of his surname.

“We can’t stand it any longer,” one told us, while we ran along a high road in south London picking up discarded chicken bones from the gutter, “he’s an embarrassment. He’s neither sleek nor smart nor beautiful, when caught in a headlight like us. Have you ever seen him on the crest of a hill with the setting sun behind him and gone awww?

Although I guess he’ll end his days hunted into a hole in the ground. But that’s as close as the similarity gets.”

The fox went on to explain they actually conceived of the petition back when Liam Fox was fired as defence secretary for hiding that special friend behind curtains while on government business. Dishonesty is supposed to damn you, but it seems Liam was able to rise again.

“I was personally gobsmacked when he returned to the cabinet. But then Brexit, only the deluded and dumb want to be centerstage in Brexit.”

The petition has so far attracted nearly fifty thousand signatures.

“It’s not just foxes signing it,” the fox said, “humans are too. Which is nice. Normally they just chase us about so dogs can rip us to shreds. Or shout at us in the night when we’re screaming like demons and rutting underneath a bedroom window. So it gives me a bit of hope that your lot are throwing in with us on this topic. We’ll get this over one hundred thousand and get it debated in parliament. A group of owls have told me it’s a shoe in.”

But what surname should Doctor Fox have in place of fox?

“That’s not our problem,” he shrugged, “just not something from the animal kingdom. Pick something from your own world.”

You must have an idea?

“I’ll go for double glazed,” the fox suggested, “as that’s what I see when I look in his eyes. Or Liam Airmiles of course. Either one fits.”

An enormous quantity of lavatory paper has been requisitioned by the government. Strong, stable, and highly absorbent supplies are needed to clean ministers’ elbows.

In a move guaranteed to enrage the vitriolic press, the production of sanitary products has been outsourced to French company Gemerdeo, rather than British firm De La Pue.

LCD Views’ Whiff Of Bullshit correspondent asked Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt to explain.

“Once or twice a day, nature takes its course,” said Hunt patiently. “It is properly hygienic to wipe away any residue that adheres to the elbow.”

But surely you have mixed up two completely different bodily parts?

“You must be some kind of traitor to even think of contradicting a government minister!” bellowed Hunt. “Not even the BBC dares to do that any more! This interview is over.”

We sought a second opinion from the MP for Gotham City, Clarke Kent.

“Yes, Gotham City is part of my Rushcliffe constituency,” Kent confirmed. “But I think you are mistaking me for Batman!”

Easy mistake to make. Could you confirm the current lavatory situation in the House of Commons?

“It’s as if everyone has suddenly got those leather patches on their elbows,” said Kent. “It’s all the polishing they are doing with this new bog roll. But you should see the state of the toilet floor!”

It doesn’t bear thinking about. There is quite a stink arising from Westminster these days.

Are the ladies’ facilities any better, we asked MP Abbie Dianott.

“Fans have been installed in the toilets,” said Diannot, removing a clothes peg from her nose. “So that the shi… well, you know the expression. At least my elbows are so shiny you can see your face in them!”

It seems that our representatives are having difficulty distinguishing the affluent from the effluent. Freedom of movement, my arse.

Downing Street have released a photo this morning of the cabinet, taken during a special emergency meeting that discussed nothing and went all night, to prove they are unified and going in the same direction.

“There is no chance of Amber being forced to resign,” an insider told us, “no matter how much she now resembles a hard, crystallised relic holding dead insects inside that you might dig up in the ground and wonder how the bugs got trapped inside.”

The move will reassure the Home Secretary who is coming under increasing pressure to resign from her position because Ms May is physically incapable of firing anyone for lying or incompetence, especially when the lying and incompetence is the direct result of policies initiated when Ms May was in the position Ms Rudd is now.

“She’d have to fire the whole show ffs,” the source said, “if they were conditions for termination. Lying. Incompetence. It’s modern. What’s the problem? The main aim of modern politics in certain western democracies is to sell people bullshit to believe so tax havens get fatter. It’s how we do it now.”

Speculation that Ms Rudd is only continuing in post because she’s a human shield for the prime minister is flaring across social media.

“May was promoted beyond her abilities as home secretary,” our source said, “I’ve bugger all idea how she’s survived this long as prime minister. Especially with an opposition party determined to root out the red tories and other wrong thinkers in their own ranks. Deselect them! Once they’re purified they’ll come after us and that’ll be grim.”

Asked for a comment on Rudd’s position the prime minister’s office gave us this official statement,

“Amber Rudd will continue as Theresa May’s human shield until she’s so bullet ridden she can’t stand up,” the statement said, “especially as there’s a scandal a week to come now as we build on eight years of neocon greed is good politics while in office.”

Good luck Amber. We don’t mean it. We remember your opening speeches when you took over the Home Office. You were just following orders from the hard right coup leaders I suppose? One by one. Fi Fo Fo Fum.