Downing Street have released a photo this morning of the cabinet, taken during a special emergency meeting that discussed nothing and went all night, to prove they are unified and going in the same direction.
“There is no chance of Amber being forced to resign,” an insider told us, “no matter how much she now resembles a hard, crystallised relic holding dead insects inside that you might dig up in the ground and wonder how the bugs got trapped inside.”
The move will reassure the Home Secretary who is coming under increasing pressure to resign from her position because Ms May is physically incapable of firing anyone for lying or incompetence, especially when the lying and incompetence is the direct result of policies initiated when Ms May was in the position Ms Rudd is now.
“She’d have to fire the whole show ffs,” the source said, “if they were conditions for termination. Lying. Incompetence. It’s modern. What’s the problem? The main aim of modern politics in certain western democracies is to sell people bullshit to believe so tax havens get fatter. It’s how we do it now.”
Speculation that Ms Rudd is only continuing in post because she’s a human shield for the prime minister is flaring across social media.
“May was promoted beyond her abilities as home secretary,” our source said, “I’ve bugger all idea how she’s survived this long as prime minister. Especially with an opposition party determined to root out the red tories and other wrong thinkers in their own ranks. Deselect them! Once they’re purified they’ll come after us and that’ll be grim.”
Asked for a comment on Rudd’s position the prime minister’s office gave us this official statement,
“Amber Rudd will continue as Theresa May’s human shield until she’s so bullet ridden she can’t stand up,” the statement said, “especially as there’s a scandal a week to come now as we build on eight years of neocon greed is good politics while in office.”
Good luck Amber. We don’t mean it. We remember your opening speeches when you took over the Home Office. You were just following orders from the hard right coup leaders I suppose? One by one. Fi Fo Fo Fum.