An enormous quantity of lavatory paper has been requisitioned by the government. Strong, stable, and highly absorbent supplies are needed to clean ministers’ elbows.
In a move guaranteed to enrage the vitriolic press, the production of sanitary products has been outsourced to French company Gemerdeo, rather than British firm De La Pue.
LCD Views’ Whiff Of Bullshit correspondent asked Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt to explain.
“Once or twice a day, nature takes its course,” said Hunt patiently. “It is properly hygienic to wipe away any residue that adheres to the elbow.”
But surely you have mixed up two completely different bodily parts?
“You must be some kind of traitor to even think of contradicting a government minister!” bellowed Hunt. “Not even the BBC dares to do that any more! This interview is over.”
We sought a second opinion from the MP for Gotham City, Clarke Kent.
“Yes, Gotham City is part of my Rushcliffe constituency,” Kent confirmed. “But I think you are mistaking me for Batman!”
Easy mistake to make. Could you confirm the current lavatory situation in the House of Commons?
“It’s as if everyone has suddenly got those leather patches on their elbows,” said Kent. “It’s all the polishing they are doing with this new bog roll. But you should see the state of the toilet floor!”
It doesn’t bear thinking about. There is quite a stink arising from Westminster these days.
Are the ladies’ facilities any better, we asked MP Abbie Dianott.
“Fans have been installed in the toilets,” said Diannot, removing a clothes peg from her nose. “So that the shi… well, you know the expression. At least my elbows are so shiny you can see your face in them!”
It seems that our representatives are having difficulty distinguishing the affluent from the effluent. Freedom of movement, my arse.