LCD Views was shocked, stunned, taken aback and then given aforward by the most recent ONS figures. The construction industry in the United Kingdom appears to have more than man flu (and we know what that means) and the economy overall has slowed to, in technical terms ‘just a bit better than shit’. And don’t mention the outflow of investment. Where could it go next?
We decided to talk to one of the Francis Drake’s of our proud, buccaneering country, set free once again to privateer on the high seas, and find out what he made of it all.
He was in the middle of an important work call when we arrived, so we sat politely in a guest chair, that was interestingly very low to the floor, while our man’s was a much bigger chair. What could it mean?
“I spoke to Liam Fox and he says it’s alright,” David Davis, aka Francis Drake, said into his work phone, “we can just roll over the bar tab at the commons till next month.”
We knew it was his work phone because someone had helpfully written ‘work phone’ on some tape and then stuck that to the phone.
“No. No. There’s no chance the bar staff will refuse to serve any of us just because we haven’t settled up in months. It’s just a technical problem,” he continued, “look, talk to Liam. He knows all about this stuff. I’m too busy wrestling with old Barnier. Okay. Yes. Lock in session tomorrow night. You’re on. Be there for lunch and we’ll just push through. Ha!”
He replaced the work phone and turned to us.
“Make it snappy,” he ordered in a very boss way, “I’ve got to go to the tailor’s in ten minutes and get fitted out for asbestos underwear.”
Certainly minister. Who is your tailor?
“Some chap who’s in the process of bankrupting Boris. Now what is it?”
Well, we’re just a little bit worried that project fear is becoming project fact? And all those blithe types who decided Brexit was all great because the UK didn’t fall off a cliff immediately, as it takes time to lose momentum and fail, maybe in for a shock? You know, time and tide and all that.
“Look. Chaotic economic collapse is just Global Britain’s opening negotiating position. This is all going to plan. Brexit is supposed to be a calamity.”
I see. And what comes after that?
“We’ll mix it up with the big boys of the global economy with imagination and seamless exceptionalism. They’ll give us what we want because we’re British and everyone around the world remembers the Empire.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to work out how I got this fork stuck in my head while I was eating lunch.”
Thank you for your time minister.
“You couldn’t give it a tug, could you? Steer clear of the pointy end.”