FOOD FIGHT : 10 Downing Street is determined to build on its tangible successes in combat with the EU this week, by wreaking havoc on the home front.
As reports of fresh produce shortages continue, your unelected PM, Dishi Fishy Rishi, is not pausing in gorging at his political banquet. He’s grabbing what’s in front of him with both hands and shovelling it into his maw. Just as soon as he can get the platinum spoon, he was born with, out of the way.
“So what if you can’t get any tomatoes due to a seismic event on Mount Fuji?” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “So what if any fresh produce you can obtain mysteriously rots in the shopping bag before you get home? You have your freedom back. Freedom to choose which mouldy lemon you make lemonade with. They can’t say that in Europe. If you’re so bothered over starving you should have got elected to parliament.”
However, concerns continue that some people may notice the reduction in choice while shopping.
“Why people are wasting money on food when they have energy firms to enrich is beyond us,” the spokesman admitted. “But for some baffling reason half starving a half frozen population seems to be hitting us in the polls. Privately we blame Labour. It’s not enough to keep validating Brexit for us, they have to demand the recalcitrant EU sends us food aid.”
How to combat the public perception that not being able to achieve the coveted ‘five a day’ means the UK is in a bad place, in spite of all its sovereignty?
“Words. Words always deal with reality,” the spokesman is confident. “This is why Downing Street has ordered all ministers to start saying ‘these are Great Britain’s salad days’ in interviews. And to do it all week!”
“Get Salad Done!” is also being planned for deployment, alongside “Salad Means Salad!”.
“Seeing doesn’t have the be believing,” the spokesman added. “You can decide your country’s entire future by just closing your eyes and picturing a lettuce.”