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Senior Tories furious Royal Mail Brexit stamp edition just pictures of poos

The Royal Mail was in danger of full and instant privatisation in days as senior Tories vented their rage at the special Brexit stamp edition being solely pictures of poo.

“When we demanded Brexit stamps we expected maps of Global Britain retaking America and resuming transportation of convicts to Global America 2.0, not these little pictures of poo!” J. Deadwood, MP for Bringing Back on Hanging told LCD.

“The moment we all finish our long New Year holidays and parliament gets back to something that looks like work, I’m going to pass a motion calling for an immediate end to the Royal Mail.

I fancy Branson will buy it the same day, if we run it down enough first.

Of course we’ll have to promise public funds to prop it up after purchase.

That’s the free market we like. No capitalist in risk of a loss because the public will bail them out.

But pictures of poo? What’s wrong with just a big toilet instead?”

But the current CEO of the Royal Mail, Mr S. Tamp, responded abruptly,

“We took this brief very seriously. We took it down before we got down to business. We wanted to capture all possible Brexits with a realism that does the country proud. It was a big jobby. Our hands got so dirty dealing with it we were scrubbing for days.”

It seems the explanation won’t save Mr Tamp though. It’s rumoured he will shortly be locked in a darkened room and visited by John Humphrys, of radio 4 fame, who is going to shout ‘will of the people’ at him until he recants.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about anyway,” S. Tamp added, in what is likely to be his last public statement as an enemy of democracy,

“after March 2019 there will be no more communication with the outside world anyway. No one is going to see the stamps be they pictures of waterfalls or turds.

Well, maybe that’s wrong, there will be contact I suppose, but only by distress flares.”

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Liam Fox buys three bedroom semi on Pacific Rim to move entire U.K. into

Liam Fox MP is pleased to announce, via LCD’s only real estate correspondent, that he has almost completed purchasing a three bedroom semi-detached house off the coast of Fukushima.

“I just hope nothing goes wrong,” a breathless Dr Fox told LCD, “we’ve exchanged contracts, but completion is contingent on there being no more nuclear accidents before completion date. And definitely no tidal waves. I told the mortgage company it’s located on a quiet lake, not the Pacific Rim, If they find out I lied I’ll have to leg it.”

Mr Fox reportedly searched far and wide for the UK’s new home, after agreeing to sell our current one lock stock to a consortium comprised of American, Chinese and some Russian interests.

“Some people have criticised me, saying I should have found where everyone in the UK is moving to before selling our current home, but they don’t know international wheeler dealing like me. Have you seen my air miles lately? It’s nuts. Guinness book of records nuts.”

It’s believed this announcement is also a cunning bit of strategy connected to the current Brexit negotiations with the EU.

“The EU thinks we intend to stay dwelling off the coast of France, even after Brexit. Won’t they be shocked when they wake up and realise we’ve done a runner in the night! We do actually owe them a little bit of rent, so we have to move at night.”

It’s not clear who Mr Fox is going to employ to move the entire country, and its pets, and settle them into the three bedroom house on the Pacific Rim, but we’re sure to get a great Pacific trade deal once we get there!

“A good friend of mine has promised to help us move,” Fox smiled, “but only if he gets to choose our new curtains. He likes to play hide and seek.”

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May appoints Duke of York tsar of military fitness

LCD Views can report there is disquiet in the ranks at the Ministry of Defence today with the news that Theresa May has appointed the Duke of York her new tsar of military fitness.

“Gavin is well cheesed off,” our insider whispered down the line,

“he’s still got his black book from his time as chief whip, I reckon he’ll be getting it out and giving the Maybot a call. He fancied putting the infantry through their paces himself while wearing a Spider-Man outfit. He’s stepped it up from a pet tarantula now he’s the boss of bombs.”

It appears the Duke himself is not best pleased either.

“He’s worried old family traits will come through the moment he gets the men under his command and it’ll just be marching up and down hills all day from then on. When all he really wants to be doing is pursuing his hobby of lobbying conservative MPs on behalf of oil rich states listed in Amnesty International’s bad book”

Further upset is likely to come with increased spending restraints at the MoD meaning that it will be unlikely the Duke will even have 10,000 men to march about with.

“They’ll all be armed with Brown Bessie’s though, thanks to cutbacks, the museum cupboards at most barracks are being prized open as we speak and old kit dusted off so Putin knows we’re ready for him, in or out of the EU. So there will be an air of authenticity when the Duke goes on parade.”

There has been support for the appointment from an unexpected quarter though.

Toby Young, the new head of ideologically reshaping universities to agree with eugenics and bigotry against people who don’t have as good a dad as Toby, has lent his support to the appointment.

“Maybe Andy will take me to meet some dictator of a former soviet state who likes the wet work?” Toby tweeted,

“then I can finally meet someone I can feel morally superior to as I set about introducing competition and commercial bias into higher education. I feel a little giddy. Now show me your tits!”

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Brexit Dad breaks watch he got for Christmas after spending all week winding it backwards

Brexit Dad was seen demanding answers from the local watchseller, ‘Time Lords’, today after the present he bought himself for Christmas broke after only one week of constantly being wound backwards.

“I wanted a traditional watch,” LCD’s Roaming Reporter overhead, “a watch that tells the time like time was told before 2016, 2015, 2014…”

Figel (Brexit Dad) continued listing the years until he returned to a comforting date in the 1950’s.

“My dad gave me my first watch when I was five in 1955,”

“We don’t sell many watches you have to manually wind up anymore sir. Although I understand your nostalgia for a simple to understand era.

Actually, why don’t I discount half the cost of this broken watch off the cost of a watch that doesn’t need winding up?” the patient watchseller offered.

“I want a bloody watch that winds backwards,” Nigel countered, slamming his fist on the counter. “It’s why I bought a watch with a winder. You’re a bloody wind up merchant!”

The watchseller paused, examined the broken watch again.

“Have you only been winding it backwards?”

“Since the moment I unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Every little thing, each of us does every day, in this way, we help make a success of Brexit. Time travel is possible. Back to the sunny uplands of the Seuz.”

“I don’t think breaking something that was working well is going to make a success of anything. You’ve just incurred additional expense now and a delay before being able to function at the pace of decades past.”

“Commie pinko libtard snowflake remoaning traitorous bastard. Fix. My. Watch.”

“Please don’t shout at me Mr Narage. I can send it back to China for repairs, but it will take a couple of months to come back.”

This seemed to reassure Brexit Dad.

“See!” he trumpeted, “we’ve started trading with the world already and we haven’t even left yet!”

“Left what Sir? Our senses?”

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Brexit Dad breaks watch he got for Christmas after spending all week winding it backwards

Brexit Dad was seen demanding answers from the local watchseller, ‘Time Lords’, today after the present he bought himself for Christmas broke after only one week of constantly being wound backwards.

“I wanted a traditional watch,” LCD’s Roaming Reporter overhead, “a watch that tells the time like time was told before 2016, 2015, 2014…”

Figel (Brexit Dad) continued listing the years until he returned to a comforting date in the 1950’s.

“My dad gave me my first watch when I was five in 1955,”

“We don’t sell many watches you have to manually wind up anymore sir. Although I understand your nostalgia for a simple to understand era.

Actually, why don’t I discount half the cost of this broken watch off the cost of a watch that doesn’t need winding up?” the patient watchseller offered.

“I want a bloody watch that winds backwards,” Nigel countered, slamming his fist on the counter. “It’s why I bought a watch with a winder. You’re a bloody wind up merchant!”

The watchseller paused, examined the broken watch again.

“Have you only been winding it backwards?”

“Since the moment I unwrapped it on Christmas morning. Every little thing, each of us does every day, in this way, we help make a success of Brexit. Time travel is possible. Back to the sunny uplands of the Seuz.”

“I don’t think breaking something that was working well is going to make a success of anything. You’ve just incurred additional expense now and a delay before being able to function at the pace of decades past.”

“Commie pinko libtard snowflake remoaning traitorous bastard. Fix. My. Watch.”

“Please don’t shout at me Mr Narage. I can send it back to China for repairs, but it will take a couple of months to come back.”

This seemed to reassure Brexit Dad.

“See!” he trumpeted, “we’ve started trading with the world already and we haven’t even left yet!”

“Left what Sir? Our senses?”

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Rail users shed Christmas pounds fastest thanks to arm and leg fare increases

Transport Secretary Chris “Goose” Grayling was at risk of treading on the toes of Health Secretary Jeremy “rhymes” Hunt today with the Goose launching a Christmas pound shredder initiative on Britain’s railways.

“These fare increases will cost all rail users an arm and leg,” the Goose honked merrily, “more than sufficient to lose any additional pounds picked up over the Christmas feasting season.”

It’s believed the record busting 3.6% fare increase should also help reduce overcrowding on popular lines.

“Once the average commuter gives up on any hope of affordable rail travel, such as they experience in those European backwaters like Germany and France, they buy cars on credit.

This will be a boost to British car manufacturing and money lending.

Well, at least until our plan to pull the UK out of the customs union forces firms to relocate manufacturing to the continent.”

It’s believed other initiatives being put forward involve an actual tie up with the NHS that Hunt will see as a boon.

“We are considering blood bank carriages,” Goose mused, “a simple plan where volunteers will man carriages that will collect and weigh blood from prescreened, approved donor commuters in lieu of their rail fare.”

Once a private contractor can be found to store and sell the blood to the NHS trials of the scheme will begin, hopefully in the spring.

“Forgotten your season ticket or Oyster card? Left your wallet at home? Spent too long queuing for food that you missed your third gig zero hours contract job for the day? No problem, let us open a vein. You can still pay!”

It is hoped though, before Grayling gets that far with his plans, that politically his goose will be cooked.

“If only someone could discover an industrialised country where trains were run affordably and on time? Where it was run for the common good and had a positive boost to worker productivity, rather than being a drain only designed to enrich a small percent?”

Now he’s just talking crazy.

Pack your bag. Mark the limb you are using to pay with permanent pen and catch your train to work. Oh, and take that book you didn’t finish reading over Christmas too, you may well get a chance to finish it during a delay today!

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Toby Young to cut ribbon at UK’s first Trump University campus

The government starts 2018 on the front foot today with the announcement that famous humanitarian, educator and self made man, Toby Young, is to take a break from spouting bollocks on Newsnight just long enough to cut the ribbon at the opening of the UK’s first Trump University campus.

This will be his first official action as a member of the newly created Office for Students, set up by the red tape hating Tories to enforce mind control over universities.

“It’s a first for Trump University too,” said Jo Johnson, the minister responsible for this obvious mess,

“Trump University has previously only had a physical presence in law courts across the pond. Toby’s involvement will give the fee paying public confidence.”

Mr Young is one of the more eye catching appointees to the Office for Students.

“Toby narrowly beat his soul brother Satan to the last slot,” added Jo, “after the four horsemen of the apocalypse took the other seats.”

We phoned Toby on his skull phone to see what he had to say,

“I am not a dalek,” Toby commented,

“The Office for Students will oversee the transformation of universities into mere channels for taxpayers money into tax havens, under the pretence of ‘value for money’, that old wag.

It will all be done in the manner of the successful privatisation of everything else neoliberal greed driven sociopaths that I worship get their hands on.

That’s the whole point of it. But we’ll employ a lot of catchphrases to pretend otherwise.”

So that’s encouraging.

“We’ll be doubling down on the success of the branding tie up with Trump universities too,” Mr Young added, “by using his brand appeal to encourage other great private enterprise successes to get involved in British higher education.

We want to see market forces really getting students value for money, but not an education.

A shit load of debt though.

Then back to your estate. It’s hilarious. How do we keep getting away with it?”

Southern Rail has been the first to express interest following today’s announcement.

“If Jo and Tobes are kind enough to let us run all universities in the southeast we promise, hand on heart, we’ll make all students run on time to tutorials and lectures.

Except for the frequently cancelled and delayed ones, of course.

And when it goes wrong we’ll happily accept public money to bail us out because that’s how the free market the Conservatives love works. All profit. No real risk. Thanks taxpayers!”

This is fantastic.

The university students of the future will be prepared for future employment by hearing each day of their higher education,

“Southern Rail are sorry to announce, the 9:30 lecture on modern European history and Neoliberal economics has been cancelled due to an excess of skyrocketing fees causing all potential students to stay at home…”

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Brexit Dad takes over customs responsibilities at Heathrow airport

Brexit Dad Figel Narage has taken this bold step as part of his patriotic duty to Brexit Britain. He believes that he embodies the values that once made Britain great.

“I responded initially to an appeal for volunteers in the Daily Mail,” Narage revealed. “Help out our hard-pressed public servants and take back control! Well, how could I resist?”

Narage showed the cutting to LCD’s Elementary Deception Correspondent. It contained grandiose phrases, reminiscent of wartime propaganda. “Volunteer for Britain!” “Our country’s greatest resource is YOU!” “Back the Daily Mail’s campaign to put vital funds back into the NHS!”

With immigration high on the political agenda, Narage decided that he must do his bit to stem the tide of freeloaders coming to suckle at Great Britain’s teat. To his surprise, his offer to take over customs responsibilities at Heathrow was accepted.

“The golden age of the gifted amateur is coming back,” said a clearly delighted Narage. “This is what Michael Gove meant when he said we have had enough of experts. I have a plan that is simple enough for a small child to understand.”

Narage has decided that there will be no customs control whatsoever for those leaving Britain. “There’s no need,” he said. “Leave means Leave. The country in overpopulated as it is. It’s not our problem any more.”

Conversely, in order to enter Britain, there will be two lines: blue passports, and immigration control. “Anyone with a true blue passport will be welcomed home and waved through. The rest will be interrogated, physically and almost certainly internally. There are hundreds of Daily Mail readers queueing up to volunteer for interrogation duties.”

Narage reckons his new streamlined system will solve the immigration crisis and save £350m per week for the NHS, or just possibly for tax cuts for Daily Mail readers. “It’s simple, and win-win,” boasted Narage, “just like Brexit itself. It’s a Black and White Brexit.”

Which just about sums up Narage’s immigration policy.

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British classic ‘Rule, Britannia!’ rewritten to include lyrics “volunteer border force”

LCD Views’ Pride of the Nation correspondent has deep pleasure in complying with a Home Office order to announce the following,

“Your government of experts has embarked on a joint initiative between DExEU and the MoD to rewrite, re-record and re-release the timeless classic ‘Rule, Britannia!’ to reflect the growing pride felt by all Britons as we sail into Brexit.”

The release continues by quoting excerpts of the updated lyrics, such as, “Rule, Britannia!, Britannia rules the waves, with…a…border volunteer force…all….ways”.

And,

“When Britain first, at Rupert’s command Cut itself out of the single market and customs union of half a billion people,

And guardian angels sang this strain:

We, will, get better trade deals for offshore billionaires when we negotiate on our own!

Rule, Britannia! Xenophobia rules the airwaves: Britons never will be slaves with…a… Border…volunteer force…all ways!”

It goes on like this for half an hour or so and will be sung each morning in schools to start the day from when schools reopen for 2020.

This will be followed by press ganging of students into naval service, but only at comprehensive schools.

Metropolitan elites have criticised the reworking of the classic as simplistic jingoism that will only appeal to credulous inward looking voters concerned about the colour of their passport and not its function.

“Those types are going to be dealt with,” a home office minister reassured, before putting on a large hat made of ostrich.

In order to assist all patriots in learning the revised lyrics special audio cassettes of “Rule, Britannia 2.0!” will be released with each edition of the Daily Mail until Brexit Day.

Get yours today and burn it, in a patriotic way!

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Foreign nationals seeking UK citizenship post-Brexit will be turned down if they fill in the forms correctly

New immigration rules designed to stem the tide of freeloaders have been released. Any applicant displaying sufficient intelligence to complete the documentation will be refused entry.

Naturally, an inability to fill in a simple application form leads to instant disqualification.

The citizenship test will have three sections: a written test, a practical/oral exam, and General Knowledge. The written test asks elementary questions about Great Britain. Sample questions include:

1. Explain how Great Britain won two world wars single handedly.

2. Why is it called the United Kingdom if it has a Queen?

3. Can you solve the Irish Boarder problem with an eviction notice?

The practical/oral test is more demanding. Candidates are required to queue in British, mark St George’s birthplace on a map of the British Isles, and pinpoint precisely where the North begins.

In addition, candidates are required to take a fun pronunciation test. Common words like Thames, Cockburn, Beauchamp, Loughborough and Belvoir must be attempted. Candidates must determine whether the word “castle” rhymes with “parcel” or “hassle”.

The General Knowledge section provides light relief. Candidates must:

Know the right way to brew tea.

Supply the correct name for a bread roll.

Decide what to say when you get bad service/food in a restaurant.

Be able to drink and enjoy ten pints of draught bitter.

Display correct tea drinking etiquette.

Distinguish between white and brown bread, sugar, and people, ascertaining which is the most socially acceptable.

Avoid eye contact on public transport.

This simple test will reveal whether you are cut out for Britishness or not. Naturally, the ability to pass the test makes you a stuck-up girly swot, which means your citizenship application will be rejected out of hand. Brexit means the triumph of the idiocracy.

There is a much easier way to become a British subject. Simply pay an eight-figure sum to the conservative party of your choice and you’re in.