New immigration rules designed to stem the tide of freeloaders have been released. Any applicant displaying sufficient intelligence to complete the documentation will be refused entry.
Naturally, an inability to fill in a simple application form leads to instant disqualification.
The citizenship test will have three sections: a written test, a practical/oral exam, and General Knowledge. The written test asks elementary questions about Great Britain. Sample questions include:
1. Explain how Great Britain won two world wars single handedly.
2. Why is it called the United Kingdom if it has a Queen?
3. Can you solve the Irish Boarder problem with an eviction notice?
The practical/oral test is more demanding. Candidates are required to queue in British, mark St George’s birthplace on a map of the British Isles, and pinpoint precisely where the North begins.
In addition, candidates are required to take a fun pronunciation test. Common words like Thames, Cockburn, Beauchamp, Loughborough and Belvoir must be attempted. Candidates must determine whether the word “castle” rhymes with “parcel” or “hassle”.
The General Knowledge section provides light relief. Candidates must:
Know the right way to brew tea.
Supply the correct name for a bread roll.
Decide what to say when you get bad service/food in a restaurant.
Be able to drink and enjoy ten pints of draught bitter.
Display correct tea drinking etiquette.
Distinguish between white and brown bread, sugar, and people, ascertaining which is the most socially acceptable.
Avoid eye contact on public transport.
This simple test will reveal whether you are cut out for Britishness or not. Naturally, the ability to pass the test makes you a stuck-up girly swot, which means your citizenship application will be rejected out of hand. Brexit means the triumph of the idiocracy.
There is a much easier way to become a British subject. Simply pay an eight-figure sum to the conservative party of your choice and you’re in.