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Gavin Williamson to replace tarantula Cronus with the doomsday clock in new job

Theresa May’s shock pick for the new Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, has ruffled a few feathers already by advising he is leaving his pet tarantula, Cronus, behind in the chief whip’s office and placing the doomsday clock on his new desk instead.

“I’ve got the nukes to threaten people with now,” He shrugged, dogged by puffing reporters as he attempted to jog in circles on Westminster Green. “What the hell do I want with a spider?”

Indeed.

Our own reporter, Titan Searchlight, was doing his best to keep up with the pack and get LCD Views in on the action.

“Mister Williamson. Mister Williamson”

(Transcript filled with chainsmoker coughing.)

“Mister Williamson. Slow down! It’s LCD Views. We’re not like the rest of these hacks.”

(More coughing. Someone asking what they did to deserve this.)

“Mister Williamson. How soon do you expect to receive a knighthood?”

That grabbed his attention.

“About as soon as next Friday,” He shouted back. “When I tell our terrified Prime Minister that I either take her job now or she gives me a gong.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to manage arguably one of the most important government departments when you’ve not done shit before but threaten Tory MPs with the records of their inappropriate behaviour?” Titan managed to ask between gasps for air.

“Well, I couldn’t stay as chief whip with the shit that’s going to hit the fan over Brexit. Now that the sexual harassment dossier is leaking to the media drip by drip, what the hell am I going to threaten people with to keep them in line?”

“Good point. Thank you for the interview.”

“No problem. No piss off or I’ll order the RAF to use your rundown 1930’s semi in Penge for drone target practise. And that goes for the rest of you. Rabble.”

Reports coming in after the exercise session suggested that Mr Williamson was wasting no time getting down to business.

He has chosen the exact spot on his desk to place the doomsday clock and is said to be enquiring how close you can nudge the hands on the clock before the big bombs go off?

As to the feelings of Cronus on being left behind?

The tarantula is said to be sanguine, fully expecting to be offered the job of minister for the cabinet office any day soon.

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New £20 note to be composed solely of pectin and cocaine powder to save on the bitching

The Royal Mint pleased large swathes of the spending public today with the reassurance the new £20 note will be made only from pectin and cocaine powder.

“It’s to save on the bitching,” G. Williamson, deputy head PR explained.

“You know what’s it’s like these days. You’ll always get the nostalgia heads being upset by any form of modernisation, but lately the country’s food choice lobbyists and recreational to extreme drug users have also being complaining.”

It’s believed the pressure from certain high profile cocaine users to ensure new banknotes are easy on the nose has been immense.

“Also the vegetarians. They get exceptionally cranky over the slightest bit of animal in any banknote they intend on ingesting.”

It’s hoped the changed recipe will mean that the new twenty, when it comes into circulation later this month, will blend seamlessly into salads and Friday nights.

“I’d be careful how many of them you add to a lentil stew. We don’t want people overdosing.”

But cocaine use advocacy group, The Campaign for Better Nose Garbage, was upset.

“As we understand it the new twenty pound notes will still not feature any of the famous South American drug tzars of the late twentieth century. It’s high time Escobar was featured on a British banknote to recognise his enduring impact on the UK’s social life and international trade in general.”

Inquiries over who the mint intends to place on the banknote have also raised eyebrows.

“Elizabeth 1st. That way people can have their traditional role models and we can do our bit to further equality in representation.”

LCD Views suspects they may have missed the mark with their choice, as detect more than a sniff of controversy to follow.

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Michael Fallon to be exported to Saudi Arabia with next high explosive arms shipment

The office of the prime minister has announced this evening that former defence secretary Michael Fallon is to be exported to Saudi Arabia with the next British shipment of high explosives.

“We are advising them to drop him on Yemen,” a source purporting to work in the ministry of defence told LCD Views.

“He’s done so much work for the region at large already, we really believe his totally sincere explosion of contrition over his past behaviour will go very far to pour oil on troubled waters.”

It’s not clear yet what response the Saudi government has given at the news of the gift.

“He was elected, warts and all, so they may not take too kindly to that. But on the other hand, his past behaviour probably places him right top of any list for promotion as advocate to a women’s rights group put together by the UN to make the Saudis look good. So they could use him that way.”

It’s thought Mr Fallon himself is a little surprised by the distance the prime minister wants to send him.

“Admittedly Michael Gove was reinstated in about twenty four hours, but then he has a friend in a high place, which may explain how quickly he was brought back from ostracism.”

It’s also felt that if the exportation of Mr Fallon is successful then it will pave the way for potentially dozens of other government ministers who may shortly be needing to remove themselves from the spotlight.

Labour are said to be watching closely in case dangerous and unsecured ordinance of their own needs getting rid of.

“We just hope this doesn’t lead eventually to the downfall of the government before we’ve had time to get our hands on those Henry VIII powers.

But with a weapon like Fallon, once he’s pulled the pin on himself, you’ve no real option but to pick him up and throw!”

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Brexit impact studies to be released via controlled explosion in isolated field

The UK government has responded quickly to the defeat in the Commons last night with a decision to release the Brexit impact studies via a controlled explosion in an isolated field.

“We are complying with the result of the vote,” Mr B Umble, spokesbot for DExEU told press lizards lounging outside the chamber. “Even though it was an opposition motion and we really don’t pay any attention to anything since June 23rd 2016, when time stopped.”

It’s believed the reason for releasing the 58 studies in this manner is because if someone actually reads them it could be disastrous for our Brexit negotiating strategy. Especially if someone in government reads them.

“We’re not too concerned with what the British people think, enough of them appear to be sufficiently deluded to persist with Brexit, even though we already know it is likely a catastrophically stupid thing to do with no discernible gain except a boom time for the slogan and tax dodging industries.”

It’s believed a special army bomb disposal unit is already on the way to Westminster to take charge of all copies of the reports and race them to a secret location on Salisbury plain, just next to Stonehenge, where they will be surrounded by dynamite and blown up.

“With any luck people will just think the giant fireball rising into the sky is a bunch of rebellious teenagers larking about with too many firecrackers.”

Should any of the papers survive the explosion and float singed into your garden you are advised to pretend they are not there and let slugs and snails erase the words in due course.

“We are alerting the NHS to be on standby. If by some terrible cock up a report lands in the lap of a member of the public in a legible form and they read it, it could lead to some sort of reverse zombie apocalypse where everyone comes to life at once and masses on Westminster Green filled with a rage we won’t be able to alleviate. We will need mass sedation, preferably via some sort of aerosol.”

But the greatest concern is that an actual politician may read one of the reports and realise their legacy is going to be an eyewateringly stupid act of self harm.

“Personally I think we should evacuate England and lift off into orbit and nuke the whole place. It’s the only way to be sure no one ever sees what a bunch of absolute, dissembling con artists the Brexit politicians are.

Either way, the reports will soon be ashes and dust, hopefully before no member of government has read them!”

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DExEU denies purchase of more cigarette packs for back of fag packet Brexit planning

The chief Brexiter David Davis was forced to the dispatch box in the lower house today, after the PM placeholder finished, to deny his department has purchased another carton of duty free cigarettes for the purpose of more Brexit planning.

“It is simply not true, I think,” The MP for Winging-It declared, “You aren’t allowed to smoke in the office anymore. And we’d hardly waste 200 marlboros by just throwing them in the bin for an intern to nick, just to have the packets, which by the way are excellent for writing big ideas on, would we?”

When asked by Anna Soubry why his fingertips were stained a heavy browny orange, Mr Davis coughed to clear his throat, before continuing.

“I’ve been eating Dorittos. It’s hard to stop once you start. They must coat them in crack. And I must say I’m a little surprised someone on my own team is questioning what I have for lunch. I am a very busy man. Sometimes, between my lessons in shoelace tying, and talking myself up in the mirror, I hardly have time to hire the thousands of extra civil servants the country needs to prepare for the opportunities presented by Brexit.”

This matter dealt with Mr Davis left the lower house in order to make his afternoon appointment at the school for differentiating between elbows and arses.

Unfortunately for the minister we have a source inside the same school who later furnished us with an empty cigarette packet found on the floor under his seat in the classroom.

The following was written across it,

“Make sure you say you never said Brexit will be easy. And don’t forget your elbow is the one which makes the fart sounds when you’re nervous.”

It will be interesting to see what is written across the other nineteen Spanish cigarette packets, presumably bought by a staffer for DExEU on half term break.

Maybe something about cake and being patient when you want to eat it? Being prepared to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of jobs to watch a few billionaires have their low low tax dream fulfilled.

Or maybe the biggest secret of all, how to avoid a cliff edge Brexit while maintaining just enough xenophobic rhetoric to keep the will of the people who want it from going up in smoke.

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Southern rail passengers report increasing dread as autumn places leaves on the line

Southern Rail passengers in the south of England are reporting renewed feelings of dread as autumn places leaves on the line.

LCD Views sends all of our special correspondents for the south of England on Southern, even into the areas the franchise doesn’t operate in, and we can honestly say we never find any difference in service levels.

However, during our long publishing history in the world of print media [that’s not true, we’ve never been in actual print] and recently our launch into digital [it’s not that daunting once you get passed the head bang wall stage of setting up] we’ve always been concerned to keep a close watch on the pulse of the travelling public. We want them to know we care. We will fight their corner.

To this end we sent a reluctant correspondent out into the wintry gusts to a train station this morning to see what impact the changing weather is having on Southern Rail passengers.

“Personally?” Mrs T Tibs of West Norwood was the first to speak, “I am terrified. You stand here with me for a few minutes and tell me all those piles of leaves swirling about in the gusts and onto the tracks doesn’t feel you with complete and utter dread. It’s going to be leafpocalypse, just like it is every autumn.”

We did as requested, but not for as long as requested. It was just too terrifying.
One by one, or in great handfuls scooped up by an invisible wind genie, the browning leaves of plain trees made their inevitable way down onto the lines.

“How many leaves does it take to stop a modern locomotive?” Mr Barry Barryson asked, shuffling up to our correspondent like a man waiting to be shot at dawn, he just doesn’t know which dawn.

“Two or three? Piled up one upon the other?” we guessed.

“But there’s five just flown down now. We’re doomed. I may never see my family again. I wanted to watch my children growing up. Why didn’t I buy a car when my dying grandfather told me to? Why did I spend the money he left me on a kidney?”

All very good questions.

And as the expected announcement of a delay in service sounded across the station, we could only hold the terrified rail passengers close and ensure them we would give them a voice.

“But how will you do that if you get on the train with us?” Mrs Tibs demaned. “What if you never get off?”

One day it will end in cannibalism, we fear, as surely as a few leaves on an iron line bringing a system of transport nearly two hundreds years old to a complete standstill while everyone waits for some guy with a broom to make his way down and sweep them off.

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C of E ordered to resume trial by ordeal as all UK lawyers now work on Brexit

The Home Office issued an executive order this morning commanding the Church of England to resume trial by ordeal for all criminal and civil cases in the United Kingdom.

LCD Views was quick to confront Amber Rudd on the matter and demand to know why centuries of separation of church and state powers had been demolished with an edict.

“It was Jacob’s [Rees-mogg] idea,” the Home Secretary replied, “and David [Lidontin – Lord Chancellor] backed him up, What was I supposed to do? Start a civil war within the party? We’ve enough of those going on as it is.”

The order is effective immediately and further surprise has been caused by the Church of England’s ready acceptance of the proposal.

“We’re back in business!” a representative told LCD. “Things were looking a little dicey there, but hauling sinners over the coals and demanding confession and sitting in judgement, well, it’s a little bit papist, a bit old school, but someone has to do it now all the lawyers and judges are working on Brexit. And what can you expect from Jacob? He is probably right cheesed we’ve got the job.”

And early indications are the people appearing before the vicar to settle a dispute will in reality be hauled over coals.

We next spoke to Brian McBrain, a shopfitter from Chelmsford, who was in court, or church, this morning to face a drunk driving charge.

“The padre said I had a choice of walking over the coals or being dragged,” he confessed, “and the extent of my burns would determine how many points I got given and if I’d face a driving ban or not? I said, I did it, can’t you just punish me and forget the fire?”

McBrain was apparently told the warden hadn’t spent all morning setting up the braziers for nothing and to make his choice.

“So I legged it while I could!” Brian admitted. “I’m not getting dragged over no burning coals just for driving my lorry into a closed Lidl after a few jars.”

This was a poor choice on McBrain’s part. A warrant for his arrest has now been issued by the vicar of his local parish and the organising committee for the Christmas nativity charged with his apprehension.

“Now I’ve absconded I’ve to face the Archbishop of Canterbury. He’ll probably talk me to death. That would be an ordeal! You couldn’t give me a lift to the train station, could you? I can’t hang about.”

We said yes and drove him straight to the Lambeth Palace and into the custody of a rather troubled looking Justin Welby.

Justice will be done, in this world, or the next.

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May demands strategic ‘u turn’ added to list of Brexit lifelines

British Prime Minister Theresa May has reportedly demanded that DexEU add ‘u turn’ to the list of strategic Brexit lifelines.

The order comes amid speculation from the suspected traitors at the Bank of England that Brexit could lead to initial job losses in the city of London of 75,000+. Although the actual number could be hundreds of thousands and doesn’t include all the associated jobs such as restaurant staff and shoeshiners.

“I don’t mind telling you the strong lady is pretty shaken up,” an aide to the PM allegedly advised.

“All this time she’s been on the phone taking orders from that Australian American media mogul she’s been believing Brexit will make a success of it.”

It’s understood that David Davis MP, minister in charge of DexEU, has already drawn up a contingency list of options should Brexit get a bit sticky.

“He’s written down 50/50, phone a friend and ask the audience as Brexit strategy fallbacks on the back of a fag packet. I am pretty sure his handwriting is so large, he uses crayons, that there won’t be room to add ‘u turn’.

Someone is going to have to go down to the Westminster off license, purchase a packet of Rothmans and smoke the lot so we’ve more writing paper.”

Worth initial estimates of tax revenues lost by the bleed of financial service jobs already in the squillons, 50/50 is looking used up.

“I guess we could charter a bus and start symbolically driving it in u turns on Westminster Green?” the aide mused further.

“You know, prepare the people for when phone a friend is gone. Ask the audience is no good, it’s how we got in this bloody mess to begin with. So we are going to need at least the option of u turn. It’s just sound strategic thinking.”

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Davis maybe considering alcohol related incident with Junker to liven up Brexit talks

David Davis MP, head of the fantastically visionary Department for Exiting the EU, is said to be so out of ideas for how to drive talks forward that the only thing left to do is to get really drunk with Junker and hope to come out the better of it in the ensuing public spectacle.

LCD Views met secretly with someone claiming to be an aide to Davis to hear more about the inside planning going on to avoid the cliff edge. We met them on the Thames embankment on a bench facing the river. They sat at one end of the bench, we sat at the other, both faced away and talked out of the corner of our mouths.

“Are you sure you weren’t followed?” the aide asked LCD Views, “I’m gone if you were. This is incredibly risky. I didn’t sign up to be deep throat.”

Assurances were given that our reporter was not followed, although in truth, we’re a ramshackle and amateur outfit, so no measures were taken to avoid it. It never actually occurred to us we would be.

“He’s really scratching his head now on Brexit,” the aide mumbled, “He thought he’d just walk in there with his hands clearly empty, ready for a scrap, and lay it down. We’re an imperial power. We’ve got nukes from the yanks. We’ve got aircraft carriers that’ll have even have planes borrowed from the Americans sooner or later. Don’t mess with us.”

But it seems things didn’t pan out as expected.

“Barnier has such big piles of paper. They’ve got words on them too. It’s pretty sneaky what the EU is up to. They appear to have prepared. We’re not happy. This is supposed to be improv.”

But with the EU blocking Davis and May and their cunning plan to just get what they want because they want it, blue sky thinking is now looked to for the answer.

“He’s needs to get Junker drunk and get into a fight,” the aide nodded. “It’s a perfect plan. Here, we’ve even sketched out how it should go with stickmen.”

The aide slid a piece of paper across the bench.

“Make sure you run this if you go to print. Junker is the one with the bottle in his hand. It’s perfect. Davis is going to dance about like a prat and wait for him to knock himself out. Just one of the many possibilities represented by Brexit!”

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Man’s favourite t-shirt passes sniff test for fourth consecutive day

A Milton Keyne man’s favourite t-shirt has passed the all important sniff test for a fourth consecutive day.

LCD Views sent our menswear correspondent along to speak to the relieved citizen. A Mr Colin Mullet, 47, married, three kids, one dog (old), he’s currently on long service leave.

“It’s my favourite tee. I’m really relieved not to be able to smell perspiration on it.”

It is a good t-shirt and LCD Views understands his visible relief.

“You see the genius?” Colin continued, “A chicken and an egg in a photo finish? It cracks me up. Who came first? We’ll never know!”

Colin’s wife, Katherine, was present when we visited.

“I married a genius,” she declared, deadpan, “he actually designed that t-shirt and had it printed himself.”

“You drew it,” Colin interjected.

“That makes me talented too then I suppose. Although I wished you’d had it printed on more expensive material. Something that breathes.”

The doorbell rang at that point and Mr Mullet left the room to answer the door.

“More tea vicar?” Katherine considerately asked our correspondent.

“I am not religious.”

“Do you want more tea or not? Coffee?” Katherine persisted.

“Coffee, but only if it’s real and not some powdered nonsense.”

“You and Colin will get on fine. He insists on making real coffee with a real expresso maker over the gas, won’t drink any other sort, but has the hygiene levels of a thirteen year old.”

“So you don’t approve of the sniff test? Surely it keeps the laundry lighter? My own t-shirt is on day five.”

“Do you think I don’t know that? You had nachos last night. There’s a friggin’ chip stuck to the bottom of the shirt!”

Colin returned at that point, a package clearly concealed under his shirt. We used the moment to discretely pick the shard of corn chip off the t-shirt, although the red smear of salsa remained and maybe a bit of cheese?

“Who was it?” Mullet asked Mullet.

“Nothing. No one. Don’t worry about it,” Colin continued through the room and on.

“What do you think is in the box he’s got shoved up his smelly old tee?” Katherine asked.

“An incubator, some eggs and tape?”

“Oh my god. Do you think so? Wait. How do you know?”

“We’ve decided to help Colin answer the eternal question. It will make a great follow up article.”

“You’re a prat,” Katherine asserted, but with a smile, “The eggs have clearly come first this time.”

Bugger.