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McVey inadvertently misleads her way to lead in list to replace May

Esther McVey was said to be celebrating in style this evening after inadvertently misleading her way into pole position on the Tory party list to replace Theresa May as prime minister of Little England.

”She’s just smashed it off the scuffed spot and into the back of the net,” an aide to the DWP minister told LCD Views, the sound of rare champagne corks popping in the back ground.

”I can’t talk for long. Esther wants us to conga.”

It seems while most Tory MPs have been putting someone else’s house on Boris “the bully bullshitter” Johnson or Jacob “how they hell did Mr Hyde build a time machine” Rees-mogg to take the premiership when Ms May finally snaps with her internal build up of tension and bile, there’s been a dark horse.

”If you can drive already poor people into deeper penury, and potentially shorten their useless lives from sheer stress and Kaftaesque bureaucratic nightmares,” the aide said, from somewhere in the conga,

“whoop! Whoop! And you can double down by ‘inadvertently misleading’ parliament about an indepdent report on what a shower of pain you’re overseeing…”

(A break in the line there. We can hear the stamping of feet and what sounds like heavy panting.)

Hello? Please finish your statement so we don’t have to make up the rest of it like we’ve already made up the start.

”Sorry. Esther wanted a piggy back to the oysters. You should see this spread! She’s very confident.”

It sounds like quite the impromptu celebration!

”You’d never afford it on universal credit! It’s a good thing we were raised with Conservative values!”

A shower of pain you’re overseeing?

”Ah yes. She’s brilliant. Inadvertently misleads parliament and then a battery of Tory MPs no one had heard of are forced out all over a sympathetic BBC to spin about how you have to take her word for it, it was an accident!

“And straight face in parliament after she’s forced to correct a completely misleading take on official record and refusing the compiler of said report’s calls until he publicly shamed her. She’s perfect,

“Number 10 here we come. If she can demonstrate use of a shredder to protect influential party members when sex scandals are discovered, the competition are screwed.”

Esther McVey all the way! Do not take that enthusiasm as inadvertent support for McVey, like most, we wish she’d take her ‘inadvertent statements’ and go away.

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May confirms no plans yet to rescue English football team trapped in Russian cave

UK prime minister Theresa May confirmed Wednesday that as yet there are no plans to rescue the English football team which has been trapped in Russian cave for the past 20 days.

A spokesman for Downing Street confirmed that the team in question had finally been located sitting on a muddy ledge outside the Spartak stadium in Moscow having  been swept upstream from Volgograd on a tide of good fortune.

The spokesman confirmed that the team members and their coach are apparently in a weakened condition but otherwise in good shape considering the magnitude of their ordeal.

“We have managed to carry in a further eleven days worth of food and provisions but due to recent monsoon level downpour of nationalist sentiment, expectation levels are far too high to risk leading them out at this point,” he explained.

“Unless and until expectations subside to a reasonable level we will have to carry in scuba equipment and give them a crash course in diving,” he added explaining that it was something they would be familiar with but, will lack direct experience of.

“Except for the lad Pickford, he seems to have had a few lessons before and knows his way down to grass level already,” he explained.

Commenting on what sort of diet will be sustaining the team during their involuntary incarceration the spokesman confirmed that it had been planned to limit them to a diet of root vegetables, in particular swedes, but this was proving difficult.

“One problem we have faced is limiting their exposure to gammon. No matter how hard we try it keeps re-appearing; fat, clammy, red faced and dad-dancing like a drugged elephant at a wedding,” explained the spokesman.

One issue though has been resolved. On returning to the UK the trapped team will face a stiff grilling on their entitlement to re-enter the country.

“Apparently all but four members of the team were either born outside the UK or have parents who were born outside the UK so they will be obliged to prove their residence status before being allowed in,” added the official explaining that there were widespread rumours that illegal migrants may try to sneak into the country through unfeasible geological formations.

“Football it may be, but without the proper paperwork confirming its proper home, it’ll be “going” not “coming”,” he smirked.

The team is believed to have entered the cave system with their coach, having become obsessed with reports of a mythical lost treasure, mislaid 38 years ago in a similar cave system in Mexico, and which has become the subject of a number of bizarre Internet cults.

“Locating the lost treasure and re-uniting with the magical blue unicorns who guard it will help reshape the destiny of this country, and save its fish stocks, for the next 1,000 years,” explained former cult leader and leading piscine  fantasist, Nigel Farage.

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Dirty Theresa picks a .44 calibre customs model to blow U.K. economy’s head clean off

LCD Views can report with a sense of tension not felt since the discovery of no toilet paper inside 10 Downing Street, that the bad cop of British politics, Dirty Theresa Maybe, has chosen a .44 calibre customs model with which to threaten to blow the United Kingdom’s economy’s head clean off.

And more, she’s set for a Friday showdown with the criminal gang of serial offenders she is the symbolic head off.

”She’s arranged a meet of the full outfit at a disused industrial mansion in the Buckinghamshire countryside,” a well heeled munitions supplier to Dirty Theresa told us, “she’s going to isolate them and pick any subversives off one by one.”

It’s expected before dispatching any disloyal member of her long running syndicate, she will first deliver the killer line,

”This is a max fac customs proposal. It has never been built or commissioned before. It’s incredibly complex and the IT dynamics of facial and number plate recognition likely to be used will all most certainly lead to a militarisation of the Irish Border on day one of implementation.”

She will then pause, to let the words hammer in, before continuing from a script committed to memory but not intellect.

”It will likely see the death of thousands of medium sized and small employers in the first year of operation, leaving the big players to gobble up and dominate.”

Another pause.

”Now ask yourself a question, punk, do I want collective responsibility in blowing the UK’s economic head clean off?”

Well punks, do ya?

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Climate change science debunked by carbon dioxide shortage during record heatwave

Climate change scientists are STUNNED that the Great British Heatwave has coincided with a shortage of carbon dioxide. This fact goes against the theory that carbon dioxide causes global warming.

“Greenhouse gas? What greenhouse gas?” hisses climate change denier Kula Wether. “Carbon dioxide has been blamed for global warming, but the recent shortage has proved the opposite!”

Wether warmed to his theme, claiming that carbon dioxide was in fact an agent for global cooling.

“You put fires out with carbon dioxide!” he said breezily. “All these blazing flames, one shot of CO2 and it’s out. CO2 is a cooling gas. Why do you think the northern moors are burning? It’s nature trying to cool down the earth by pumping CO2 into the atmosphere. It’s obvious when you think about it.”

Wether brooked no opposition. “If you can’t stand the heat, get off the moors!” he said airily.

LCD Views is a balanced and reasonable publication, so we sought an alternative explanation.

“Mr Wether is mixing up cause and effect, and conflating two unconnected events!” grumbled Prof Chuka Spannerintheworks. “All the evidence points to CO2 trapping heat. His lack of scientific knowledge is at dangerous levels. A bit like the amount of CO2 in the upper atmosphere.”

“Rubbish!” Wether splutters, inflating visibly. “We are getting proper British summers and winters again. What does the Prof know? He’s only an expert, after all, sitting in his ivory tower with the air con turned up to eleven.”

Meanwhile, an intrepid plan has been unveiled. Heroic British engineers are building a pipe up into the troposphere, to tap into the supply of atmospheric CO2. It will then be pumped into fizzy drinks to compensate for the slowdown in production. The process has already been dubbed “Free – Oh – Two”.

To be honest, the arguments are just a lot of hot air.

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Government hands control of Reading university to Trump

The hostile environment was back in full swing protecting the people of Britain from people today with the announcement that the Home Office has been instructed to hand control of the University of Reading to President Donald Trump University (conglomerate), North Korea.

”We had to act,” Home office minister, Mini-May MP told LCD Views, “what with the outrage amongst the gammon electorate following the university’s deeply insensitive attitude to the feelings of bigots. Those are the only votes that matter now. Can you imagine Brexit Britain giving scholarships to asylum seekers? It’s a Code Pineapple Slice PR emergency.”

And act fast the government has.

It is understood that the Vice Chancellor of Reading has already been removed from their post by a private security owned by G4SS and a temporary wedge of smoked ham given control of the campus.

”This is only until Trump can appoint the relevant member of his family to bring the tiki torches and bedsheets to Reading. It’s not permanent. The ham doesn’t have a long shelf life in this heat.”

Other changes expected following the takeover by Trump will be honorary degrees for the entire Trump family and the serving Conservative cabinet at Downing Street.

”Jeremy is looking forward to finally being a right Doctor Hunt,” Mini-May beamed, “and the name of the university will now be ‘Trump University of Reading and Didcot’, as that’s going to be more accurate.”

Fees for the students will change too.

”Trump will personally assess how hot each student is and that will determine how they pay, as there are, as you know, especially for young blonde women, other means of exchange in Mr Trump’s eyes. The future of lower education in Reading is now in small, but safe hands.”

We understand the BBC have asked Nigel Farage for comment on the change, as they do about everything, but he couldn’t give it immediately, as his head is still too far up Donald’s arse.

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Hot weather due to remainers arguing Brexit with overheating online bot accounts

Brexit is failing. Every day, it seems, brings another nail to hammer into its coffin. Boris starts swearing. The EU refuses to capitulate. Gove rips policy documents up. This may be terrible news to those of us who look forward to a peaceful and prosperous future, but there is good news. Our last summer within the EU is a scorcher, and it is being caused by social media users getting hot under the collar.

Every news item is accompanied by a chorus of sneering remainers (they’re upsetting Farage), saying “we told you so, but you wouldn’t listen!” and “But, but, I thought that Brexit means Brexit!” and other unjustifiable and narky comments.

This has generated so much heat that the usual British rain clouds have gone on holiday.

Bet Aroffin is typical. “Yes, I voted remain,” says Bet, smugly. “I wanted harmony and security, and to be part of a powerful yet benevolent superpower. The idiots in charge are making a gammon’s ear of things, so now I feel safe to exude smugness and shout ‘Twat!” whenever I like.”

The “I didn’t vote for this!” brigade are angry too, and their fury at being betrayed increases the temperature further. Especially as tens of thousands of automated social media profiles are directed in to support the kippers and battle it out in threads with remoaniacs.

“I have been let down, like a tyre,” quips changeling Flo Tingvote. “I just wanted to go back to the good old days, you know, the three day week, power cuts and only three channels on TV. And fewer immigrants. Mind you, Mr and Mrs Pancholi next door are really nice. It’s the other ones who need to go.”

Heat is being generated across the spectrum. In a busy cafe, Hammond Pineapple puts down his copy of the Sun and wags his finger. “I’m sick of it all!” he shouts, his face colouring. “Kick out the illegals, close the border and tell the EU to eff off. It’s as simple as that, why don’t they get it?”

Why do you want Brexit so much?

“Why?” screams Pineapple, his temperature rising. “It’s not about why. I’m sick of being dictated to by a faceless body in Brussels. It’s like being in Russia. I would prefer slavery!”

That might be the first bit of good news this government has had in a long time.

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Libya Chapter in David Cameron’s autobiography ‘Memoirs of an Invisible Twat” titled ‘Mission Accomplished”

LCD Views can report today about exciting progress on the memoirs of arguably Britain’s most famous twenty-first century statesman.

Speaking exclusively to Mr Cameron, during one of his rare visits to Blighty, the man famous for both attention to detail while in office, and chillaxing, gave one of our fictional reporters the inside scoop on his turgid opus.

“I like to think Churchill would be proud of my writing style,” Mr Cameron said, as we stood outside the shed, while he searched his key ring for the key to open up the modest, lawn dwelling.

“He was another prime minister who wrote. I’m not sure many people know that.”

Dave’s delightful shepherd’s hut, rumoured to have cost as much as the average annual income, was chosen as the location of the exclusive as it just epitomises the man so well.

“This is the bugger,” he muttered and turned the key in the lock, “it’s a bit rusty. Should I put some olive oil on it? Mind the cobwebs when you come in, I don’t spend a lot of time in here.”

So David, tell us about the exciting literary masterpiece?

“People said I cared too much about the working man,” Dave mused, appearing not to have heard the question, “but without appealing to the UKIP vote, by actually challenging the nativist, lie strewn path they hoped to force my party, and the country in general along, without that submission and sheer force of gutlessness on my part, what state would the country be in now? Not to mention all the Russian money poured into the party. I still haven’t figured out what all that was about.”

That’s an excellent question. We are sure your dedicated band of social media warriors will answer it for you.

Tell us about the autobiography though and why you haven’t just hired a ghostwriter?

“I’m a genuine man,” he answered, “what you see is what you get. I wanted to make the book authentic from cover to cover. It’s why I’ve skipped my early life and begun with chapter one, ‘Hugging Hoodies’.”

The hoodies will be very glad to get a name drop. What else is in it?

“The making of the hostile environment. How I appointed old Maybot to look good to the middle aged posh lady vote and then just let her have her head.

And what about that barnstorming effort in North Africa along with Sarkozy?

“I’m not sure I remember. I’ve eaten so much french cheese lately. My dreams are nightmares.”

You know, helping to depose Gaddafi because of Libya’s high position on the oil production table and then just hoping everything would take care of itself. No need for any Marshall Plans in the 21st Century.

“Oh that. I’m feeling a bit peckish. Let’s get some grub?”

Can we finish the interview first? What’s the Libyan chapter called?

“It’s a shame you know,” David replied, “Tony got such a bigger war than me. I’ve always been a little bit jealous of that. I guess I could have gotten us into Syria, but they are so low on the oil league, and anyway, then the USA got fracking and well…what would you like for lunch? Come on. I’ll have my man bring us up some foi gras?”

Can I see the wine list first?

“Ha! That’s what Sam calls my post office period. The whine list. As all I do is mope about the places we own blathering on about how do you finish an autobiography that ends in complete and utter failure?”

With a chapter titled, ‘Writer’s Block’.

“I”m using that. Red or white wine with lunch? Actually it’s not to early to pop a cork. Let’s have champagne.”

Please tell us what you’ve called the Libyan chapter first.

“If you insist. You’re as persistent as old George talking about balancing the books by shaming poor people into food banks. I’ve called the Libyan chapter ‘Mission Accomplished’. Now, it was champagne, wasn’t it?”

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UKIP warns migrant children could use cave systems to sneak into UK

Serially unelectable, far right headbangers’ political party UKIP has announced that it fears that migrant children may seek to use cave systems to sneak illegally into the UK.

In a tersely worded statement, issued only hours after UK caving experts helped locate 13 Thai schoolboys lost in a cave system in south east Asia, UKIP alleged that the :  “current outpouring of sympathy for dark skinned foreign children in caves, is a cunning plot by the leftist metropolitan intelligentsia to undermine UK immigration policy and destroy control of are borders”

UKIP confirmed that it had dispatched vigilante hit squads to Derbyshire to monitor known entrances to Peak District cave systems “just in case”.

Further teams have been sent to South Wales in response to unconfirmed reports of “men with black faces and suspiciously broad, white grins” emerging from holes in the ground “singing in an incomprehensible foreign language”, the statement added.

Speaking to LCD Views a spokesman for UKIP’s vigilante potholing division, Jane Wheal issued a stern warning.

“We believe that child terrorists armed with pick axes and Davy lamps may seek to exploit our porous geology and even disused mine workings to enter the country illegally,” she said, adding that UKIP fears that these “ticking human time bombs” are being aided by underground leftist political groups.

“We have concrete evidence, repeated by three people on twitter with resolutely English surnames,  that London Mayor and known Trotskyite Muslimist, Sadiq Khan, has links with radical caving organisations and may even be a member of an underground “urban explorer terror group”.

“Let’s face it, he’s in charge of the London underground and has access to all the tunnels into, out of and through the capital,” she explained, adding that faced with the UK being swamped by “foreign troglodytes”, UKIP was in favour of establishing tunnel links with white former British colonies such as Australia and new Zealand.

UKIP, she explained, has set up a working group, code-named “Operation Ostrich” to examine the feasibility of rerouting the Channel Tunnel to Sydney.

“Since we’ve kicked all the “flat earthers” out of the party, we are unanimous that the geology supports the plan. It’s simply a case of excavating the right route ,” she said confirming that whenever a new hole is dug the UKIP leadership will be sure to look closely into it.

Separately, UK Prime Minister Theresa May has denied reports that her government has agreed to house unwanted migrant children from the US in unoccupied UK cave systems.

“A request was made but rejected as absurd – obviously those we haven’t stuffed full of violently radioactive nuclear waste will be needed to house the millions of people expected to be made homeless by the “Post Brexit economic collapse” ,” sneered a Downing Street spokesperson.

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Tories warn EU if it wants to make a success of EUxit from U.K. it must be flexibly imaginative

The long, tortuous, calamitous process of EUxit from the United Kingdom has revealed the EU to be the slow boiling frog of European politics.

No more so than today with yet another patient warning from leading nationalists in the superstate governed from Westminster, calling on the EU to get its act together.

”It’s time for the EU’s games to cease,” Junker and Barnier, Merkel, Macron and Tusk, were warned in a joint letter by Theresa May (referred to across the channel by various ways of saying Mother) and David Davis (referred to as timber).

The letter, on official House of Commons paper, was left on the luggage rack of a Eurostar carriage, so there was no doubt about the EU getting the message about the British position.

“For too long consensus on rules, as a mechanism for allowing dozens of countries to operate in unison, have stymied the process of EUxit from the United Kingdom,” the warning continued,

“it will simply not be possible, however charitable the spirit at Downing Street, for May to agree the terms of the EU’s departure if they continue to refuse to smash it out over tequila shots with David Davis in the back room of a private member’s club, before shoving all the boring stuff aside and bringing in the lap dancers.”

The warning is a timely one and it is hoped that the EU will finally come to terms with the relative power difference between themselves, a struggling trading bloc, and the might of the British Empire.

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Theresa May’s government denies being the definition of insanity

A spokesman for the greatest Conservative prime minister of the period in British history between 2016 – 2019 has denied the farseeing administration is now the definition of insanity.

The spokesman agreed to talk to LCD Views, but only on the condition we did it while standing on the edge of a Dover cliff with a fish on our head, and importantly, one leg dangling over the edge into the air and a stiff British breeze to our back.

”Mind the gusts,” they advised, “some are pretty gusty. You could be blown over.”

We agreed to be mindful and declared ourselves ready for their statement, while wondering how long the fish would stay fresh in this heat.

”Just because we keep taking big slabs of cake and smearing them down a unicorn’s horn before jamming the unruly animal on a Eurostar so it can be sped to Brussels,” the spokesman declared, “where it will be ritually slaughtered by facts in the hands of some rules based system, doesn’t mean we’re nuts. It means we’re persistent. It means we’re stable. If at first you don’t succeed try, try and try again.”

They tottered some as a gust gusted.

But surely as news breaks that Theresa May is running around her cabinet holding yet another cherry picking piece of paper, titled VOTE FOR MY BLOODY DEAL and begging her vegetables to back it, it’s looking more likely that the prime minister and her cabinet of millionaires aren’t listening to a damn thing the EU, and reality, or much of the public are saying?

”Shush now. Mind the seagulls. They’re eyeing up that fish. You could get pulled over. Don’t say another word or you risk tying the prime minister’s hands.”

But she’s already handcuffed them with a set of manacles made out of barbed wire with her red lines.

”Now you’re being unpatriotic! Get behind Britain and push!”

The EU laid out their position long ago. It hasn’t changed. Dozens of countries can only work together if they agree on rules.

“Rules are for the weak! How do you pull off a con of the asset stripping magnitude of Brexit by obeying rules?”

Clearly not by obeying electoral ones.

They stamped their foot and a spray of dirt was picked up by the breeze as the cliff edge crumbled a little.

Don’t you think you should step back from the edge? Before it’s too late?

”You just wait and see. We will keep repackaging proposals that the EU has already rejected until they get fed up and realise…”

They realise what?

”They need us to go away more than we need them.”

You’re insane.

”And you’re standing on the edge of a cliff with a dead fish on your head. What’s that make you?”

Ready for an interview with Nigel Farage?