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Government celebrates strong and stable local election result

The mighty British government was in a celebra-tory mood today after strong and stable local election results yesterday.

“We thought we were toast chum, I don’t mind telling you,” B Astard (MP for Always) told us over lunch, “but the immigration scandals really gave us the boost we needed late to get the kippers back onside. What a relief. UKIP has returned to the host and mostly brought its votes with it. It provides certainty for the international community too. Yes. We are what you think we are now, apparently. Well, not all of us, but enough to keep the toxic environment chugging along until, well, I’m not quite sure when, this is day by day stuff.”

And it certainly seems where the Conservatives were expected to get trounced by the unstoppable momentum of the Labour train, at least as far as the group think of Momentum was concerned, the Cons came away largely unscathed.

“I have to say too,” B Astard continued, sipping his prosecco, “I really prefer champagne. This stuff is a bit rum.”

There’s no rum in it. It’s straight sparkling fizz.

“Well, if you say so, you’re picking up the tab. I’ve already filed expenses for a new radiator bed for my pet tiger this month and I don’t want the bean counters after me again.”

How about we get back to the election result? Would you like to share some of my duck pate?

“Scrummy. Don’t mind if I do. It’s a gift and it keeps giving. Strong and stable taste to it. What what?! Here we were thinking we were slowly sinking into the political quicksand with the flipping Maybot at the helm, but it seems Labour is giving us a leg up by fighting for the same votes and ignoring the ones we can’t touch.”

Do you think Labour will learn anything from the big swing to Liberal Democrats and the Greens?

“Not if they listen to the BBC and its ferociously efficient clarity destroying overpaid correspondents discussing politics and this result they won’t! Ha!”

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Labour left to ponder if being in “a” Brexit union with the government is the way to win the government

The Labour left, which will be all that’s left if they continue as they are, were found in a ponderous mood this morning, much like their local election results, as their grassroots campaigning style has shown itself unable to smash to bits the worst government anyone can remember in the first national poll since the general election.

“I won’t take this quietly,” a Momentum activist told us this morning, “I’m getting right on social media today and blaming the press smears and the yellow tory Blairite scum for this result.”

But what about Corbyn’s position on Brexit? Surely not offering a credible alternative on the biggest and most divisive issue facing the country is making many go ‘meh’ when they think about voting for you?

“See! This is exactly the reason we didn’t do as well as we deserved to. The morning of the ‘meh’ result and here you are undermining the leader still! You’ve been brainwashed by Murdoch and Dacre. It’s all your fault.”

I don’t even read those papers. I glance at the front pages to know what they’re targeting, but I am not swayed by fake news and propaganda. I look for facts to base my wild speculations on. I think you won’t do anything but keep the Tories in power so long as you enable them on Brexit.

“But we have to fight for the UKIP voters or we risk losing seats! They’re the only voters that matter now! Don’t you get it? We’ve had JC saying friendly things for kippers about immigrant workers. Perhaps we need to go further? We’ll have to think about it.”

What about being an actual official opposition and tearing the Tories to shreds on all the obvious lies, corruption, collusion, rule flouting, risks, losses and calamity associated with Brexit?

“Don’t be silly. That would endanger the long game.”

Which is?

“Beats me. But I think it’s supposed to be Lexit. At least we know the BBC will obsess on the anti-Semitism issue and what that did to our vote, which it certainly hurt, and not our leader’s habit of whipping our MPs in support of May.”

Yes. The BBC have got your back…

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Big blonde ponders another bus ride after racist voters go back where they came from

The governing Conservative Party were found to be celebrating this morning after they successfully sucked many UKIP voters back to the home of the hostile environment in the local elections, to balance out the ones lost in terror of Brexit.

“It’s giving me a funduggle wuggle wiggle in the pants! The Windrush scandal probably helped us win the kippers back!” Boris Johnson told us this morning, bleary eyed and holding a broken champagne flute, “to see our support firm and steady as she goes with the xenophobes leads me to thinking about a proper bish bosh bash at the leadership.”

But surely the result serves to firm up the ground under Theresa May?

“Ah, that’s where your monocle is fogocle,” the big, bouncy, playful blonde told us, “it shows that we can probably finally push her deep into the quick sand she’s always sinking into and win a general election again.

A bright burst of new life. That’s what I will offer. Fresh ideas. Classical references in your ears. I can trounce the old gardener on the campaign trail. I’ve got a bus! He can’t even get a train seat.”

Do you wish to take control of the Brexit process, even though it looks certain to failure, surely not?

“It’s the only bloody way I’ll survive it,” he boshed back, “if I stay in the passenger seat than I’ll just go through the bally windscreen with the old bird, but if I’m driving, now that’s a different story. You’ve never seen me twist and turn with a rugger ball?”

I’ve seen you barrel through a child.

“See! Nothing stands in my way.”

Is that why you engineered the fall of Rudd? To isolate May in the cabinet?

“She’s in a hostile environment no doubt. And it’s of my making. To see our support steady as she goes leads me to think where I may go.”

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Cabinet meets to discuss who will succeed Theresa May as prime minister on Friday

The U.K.’s governing Murdoch/Putin coalition cabinet met in secret last night, purportedly to discuss more realistic solutions for how to crash the U.K. economy the fastest. But…

”That’s bollocks, it was to decide who will be the next prime minister, now that Theresa May is dead in the water,” Sajid Javid told LCD Views, while turning stones over to hide toxic policies he may have voted for while in a lesser ministerial role.

“By the way, do you know where the shredders are? I understand that’s a vital function of my new office.”

We assume there’s a bank of them in the basement, next to the incinerator and behind the compost heap?

”I’ll send someone down to confirm.”

But what about the cabinet meeting?

”Oh, well don’t print this, okay?”

Pinky promise?

”Nice.”

Pinkies we’re locked and shook.

”It’s going to be Boris Johnson as prime minister, but with Jacob Rees-mogg put up for show, the comedy contender, to keep the swivel eyed loons happy.”

Isn’t Boris the comedy contender? I mean, he’s built his whole career on being a clown.

”He’s deadly serious about his own ambitions. I wouldn’t joke about that. He’ll have you and your wife.”

But why now? Surely the Queen of Brexit needs to still be on the throne for when the calamity happens so she can draw the fire while the rest of you scramble about asset stripping and ripping the accumulated rights of decades out of the hands of the distressed hoi polloi?

”You’re kidding me? I didn’t think they’d send a rookie to interview one of the most important offices of state. What a joke.”

I was being serious. Help me.

”Boris PM. Gove chancellor. People revolt. Corbyn becomes PM and that old commie McDonnell chancellor and they do Brexit. We then make our money but avoid the political responsibility. It’s crystal bloody clear. Crystal means crystal, just so you know.”

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Government to whip MPs to vote to keep local election results private

Her Majesty’s ship of state has indicated it is to introduce an emergency bill through parliament today in order to ensure non-disclosure of today’s local election results tomorrow.

The bill, which has a working title of ‘The Great Rout” has been criticised by opposition MPs though for not going far enough.

“The government would be more secure if proceedings in both houses were private,” an aide to Jeremy Jam Tommorow Cordorouy Unicorn Fudge Why Did Labour Hand Voter Details to Vote Leave? told us, “this stuff with the Lords is going to make us look a bit bloody pointless as an official opposition if we vote against those amendments and in the government’s favour when the entire Withdrawal Bill shitshow returns to us. Why not kill all the birds with one stone?”

But the government hit back at the criticism.

”They’re just worried their activists will pass out from exhaustion blaming the limited surge in Labour votes in the locals on Blairite Libdem scum and EU citizen insurgents, rather than Jezza’s enabling of Brexit. If, and it’s only an if, given the horrors of austerity, they don’t get the expected surge today tomorrow.

It’s just possible those EU citizens and their British chums will take this opportunity to vote against being made second class citizens by the collusion between the governing executive and Labour front bench.

They’re panicked.

We’re ahead of the curve. We know we’re so shafted by our own vileness and lies we aren’t even bothering to campaign anywhere that doesn’t have a significant racist, I mean UKIP vote.

We invite the so called official opposition to work with us in making sure no one knows tomorrow what happens today.

I’m personally tabling an amendment to the great rout to force newly elected councillors to sign NDA’s so they can’t tell anyone they were elected today tomorrow.”

Asked to hit back at the retort Labour abstained, as it did in the Lords the other night on the option to give the public a vote on whatever humilitating nonsense of a deal May comes back from the EU with. If it gets that far.

We did also take the opportunity to ask the Labour representative why they didn’t whip their MPs to vote last night in the commons to force disclosure of the Windrush documents?

Given the justifiable assault they’ve made on the institutionally racist policies put in place by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 – 2016.

”Strong and stable,” they replied, “we need May to be as stable as possible so we don’t actually have to have any responsibility for Brexit. On that score may I wish them all the best in today’s local elections.

If we accidentally win Wandsworth and the Cons wipe out broadly, it’s going to make our Brexit fencesitting very difficult going forward. Today and tomorrow. We have to be careful not to be in government when the car industry departs.”

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Farage says he’ll stop calling for abolition of the Lords if they make him one

Elder British statesman Nigel Farage has clarified his call for the abolition of the House of Lords by stating he’ll “stop calling for abolition of the Lords if they make him one.”

The offer will be a timely relief for the Lords who suddenly find themselves anti-establishment heroes for their insistence on doing the job they’re unelected to do.

”My preference is for an elected upper house,” Herr Farage added, “just a lot smaller. I’m sure with the right persuasion and vote rigging and dark money channeled into the campaign by someone with an insurance business as an alleged front, the will of the people would be shown to be to have a small House of Lords handpicked with ballot boxes stuffed by myself and Cambridge Analytica employees.”

High Commander Farage went on then to list the people he felt should be elected with a one hundred percent vote in their favour.

”Myself of course. Arron. Dacre. Murdoch. Vladimir. Trump. Arlene. Kate. Corbyn. Hannan. It’s a decent list of proven word artists. Basically anyone who can be relied upon to back Brexit to the hilt. Oh, and hanging. And gun ownership. And tax liberalisation. And opposition to climate change. And changing history courses in schools to reflect what children should learn.”

Whether or not Theresa May will give in and award Farage a peerage will depend upon which threats she receives via snail mail from Jacob Rees-mogg and the other serial chancers of the ERG.

”Elected representatives have proven themselves to be very malleable and easily startled. Just look at the nonsense parliament currently is with two major parties scared racists won’t vote for them. It’s high time we did away with that lack of fear in the upper house.”

What Lord Nigel would be Lord of is open to suggestions.

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Couple plan to back Brexit at any cost except at the ballot box

An couple of voters, who actually work together towards a shared aim professionally, have spoken to LCD Views this afternoon to explain they are determined to vote for Brexit supporting parties in the local elections tomorrow, in spite of what’s now known about Brexit. 

“We’re a bit stuck in our ways,” the old man said, “I personally have been backing Brexit since the 1970’s, in spite of all the rights now enshrined in EU treaties because you know.

Well. My friend John has a little red book. And Nigel fronted a racist billboard campaign to get votes. I’m a little confused by it all. I just do what I’m told these days.

But I do know we’ll not get the sort of change I desire to the bin collections on my street unless everyone is eating out of them first.”

His female friend was also happy to explain her reasoning.

“Sound bite means sound bite,” she said, looking straight at us, “and I am determined to deliver the best sound bite Farage vote possible for the United Kingdom by delivering sound bite UKIP agenda. That’s why tomorrow I will be voting for sound bite. Sound bite is meant to distract from”

She paused at that point, clearly recognising what she was saying was nonsense and stared fixedly ahead, a rainbow wheel spinning where her irises had previously been.

“It’s okay,” her friend said, “just reach over to the socket will you and pull her plug out of the wall. Count to ten. Put the plug back in. Once she powers back up she’ll be fine.”

Suspicions that neither have been paying much attention to developments, and just how much damage their parties UKIP agenda is doing to the United Kingdom, in terms of jobs, investment, community relations, encouragement of racism by backing Nigel Farage’s vision of the country, the deep anxiety felt by millions of people who stand to become second class citizens if Brexit happens in spite of coming here legally under the current arrangements and then finding themselves bargaining chips for nationalists to our deep shame, the predominate desire of the young to not find themselves suddenly with a blue passport that won’t do sweet f*ck all compared to the burgundy ones that could have been blue all along anyway, and the risk to the peace agreement in Northern Ireland, that the sound bites of Labour and the blithe nostalgic imperialism of the Tories risks, were met with shrugs.

“I made up my mind based on what I perceive to be best for my own self-interest,” they chorused together, “doesn’t everyone? Anyway local elections are just about who will collect the bins. It’s not like the major parties will interpret the results to be related to their national policies. UKIP taking over government by winning council seats and rising vote share was a one off.”

The old man then offered to make us some jam.

“People say I’m not up to speed with how fast things develop nowadays,” he smiled softly, “but you don’t make jam in a rush. You stir it slowly. You build a movement. Sometimes for so long it seems it’ll never be finished.”

We looked to his colleague for a final comment, but she was just staring out the window with small sparks coming off the bolts keeping her head on her shoulders.

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Fiddler not getting anything useful done

Britain’s Nero, aka Theresa May MP and PM (for a little bit longer) has been told to fiddle her neocon fiddle more loudly so the people can hear her fiddling over the roar of the flames.

“It’s a magic fiddle,” says Jacob Rees-mogg (MP for your favourite historical period), “it spurts flammable liquids onto the flames each time the bow is drawn across the strings. It’s a pre-glorious revolutionary instrument for political music. I’m one of the conductors. There are others. Anyone who photoshops well with a toothbrush moustache can dictate the tune Mayhem plays. Oh, and Arlene Foster.”

The musical mischief making, which has been going on for almost two years now, made a change for Britain’s Nero, as previously her role was more junior and confined to lurking about the shadows, stacking the streets of the cities with crisp tinder that would readily take the flames. The so called, hostile environment concerto which has been played all throughout the United Kingdom (using United loosely) and to energetic reviews across the channel.

“I fancy a go at the fiddle myself,” Jacob continued, “I’m a bit frustrated just conducting from the background. If the winds fanning the flames drop in intensity there may actually be something left to rebuild with.

Whereas my preference is to fulfil the destiny my idea of God whispers in my ears at night when he delivers the next day’s sheet music. A borderless destiny tax wise which fulfils the dreams of crushing and controlling worker’s rights without freedom of movement. A greater song than even fathering endless children to give latin names to.”

We asked our music correspondent for a quick comment on the performance.

“It’s a rebirth of discordant, atonal music so popular in the first half of the 20th century,” they said, “great for marching in time with a high leg lift to. Mind you, I’m not so sure how long Nero can keep fiddling as the country burns, one by one the strings are breaking. It’s just a matter of time now until the Mayhem performance closes. No doubt to rapturous applause.”

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UN lists Brexit and Donald Trump as endangered species

The UN has placed both Brexit and Donald Trump on the endangered species list. Both are critically endangered. There are very few Trumps left in the wild, and nobody is quite sure whether the Brexit actually exists.

The completely unbiased and reasonable BBC has responded with alarm. It has commissioned an expensive, expansive documentary series, Red, White and Blue Planet, devoted to the adoration of these ephemeral beasts.

Predictably, the Voice Of Wildlife, Sir David Attenborough, has been persuaded to narrate the series. His persuasion allegedly amounts to several million Euros.

“A more sentimental soul would have insisted on being paid in Pounds Sterling,” remarked Attenborough’s agent, Millie Onsquids. “But Sir David wanted to be sure his fee would not lose its value. And he maybe a bit cranky about something too.”

Onsquids allowed LCD Views to listen to some of Sir David’s commentary.

These will be edited into the finished visuals, once film crews have finished recording evocative scenes of the Concrete Jungles of Northern England.

“The Brexit is an elusive, intangible species,” intones Attenborough in reverent tones. “It feeds on ignorance and racism. It excretes bullshit and inane slogans. Some believe it to be a near relation of the unicorn, others that it is a chimera. Brexits like a well-defined territory, but cannot decide whether it prefers hard, soft or frictionless borders. Nobody has ever succeeded in pinning a Brexit down.”

For the Trump segment, tumbleweed-strewn shots of the Great American Political Desert are being prepared.

“The Trump is believed to be a rare genetic mutation of a great ape,” whispers Attenborough.

“Although it resembles a human in form, it appears to have the skin and hair of an orang-utan. Its hands are small compared to body size. A Trump given a mobile telephone has proved remarkably adept at using Twitter. It prefers to tweet during its frequent periods of defecation. As such, it is an unusual example of a creature which excretes from both ends simultaneously. Its mating rituals are crude and involve grabbing the genitalia of females. Surprisingly, the Trump has succeeded in breeding.”

Red, White and Blue Planet is expected to air the moment Theresa May loses her majority in Parliament. Make Attenborough Great Again.

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Deck chair throws itself off Titanic

LCD Views has learned that the captain of the Titanic, Theresa May, was disturbed late last night by frantic calls from the deck after a deck chair threw itself off the deck and into the turbulent seas.

“Amber Rudd,” the captain told LCD Views, “I name all my deck chairs. That was the one that threw itself off. It’s just as well. It was really squeaky now in the hinges. Both crew and the unwilling passengers were starting to complain. But I found it quite useful to hide behind when passengers wanted to complain about the industrial scale gastro afflicting the voyage.”

Why didn’t you just apologise and take responsibility for the gastro and then get rid of the deck chair yourself?

“Oh, I’m a complete environmentalist. I can’t throw anything away. I prefer to make do and mend. The only problem being whenever I try to mend something I usually just break it more. All thumbs me.”

The deck chair in question is not the only one to have thrown itself overboard. Other chairs have too. Justine Greening being a noteworthy one.

“She’s not overboard though. She’s down below decks. I suspect she’s waiting for us to hit the iceberg I’m steering the ship into. She’ll jump into a life boat or bop back up to the surface of the churning water and float along just fine. Just like some of the other chairs.”

But you must have a full deck of deck chairs or people will think you aren’t in control of the vessel. It’s bad enough you’re full speed ahead towards an iceberg!

“I know. I’m going to shuffle the chairs on the deck about and replace the ruddy deck chair with the Javid one. It’s great at housing. The Javid one I’ll replace with the Brokenshire one, as he’s finished breaking shires in Northern Ireland.”

So deck chair replaces deck chair in a Titanic shuffle?

“It’s not a Titanic shuffle. More a terrified split of the pack and jam it back together and hope nothing falls out in the process before we hit the iceberg and sink.”