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Government under pressure to block hate preacher’s planned July visit to UK

Her Majesty’s Government is coming under increasing pressure to block a planned July visit by a famous hate preacher to the United Kingdom.

The man in question, known as David Dennison, aka Pastor Donald Trump, is due to arrive in the United Kingdom on Friday July 13th, but anti-fascist campaigners and other groups like, ‘Anyone with a sense of decency’, are said to be planning mass public protests to make the hate preacher certain what they believe of his views.

“It’s shocking that he’s leaving his church to travel to Britain in the first place,” an equality campaigner told LCD Views, “he normally only leaves his safe space, known as the golf course, to go to the toilet and tweet his insane belief system to the world about 5am every morning. The number of tweets believed to be dependent on how constipated he is from a diet of only cheeseburgers, fizzy pop, Fox News and staring at himself in the mirror.”

The insane belief system is known to involve a moveable feast of the worst of human nature from KKK and white supremacy, to legitimising sexual assault by being elected to the most important office of state on Earth, most likely thanks to assistance from organised crime figures, to encouraging racism, sexism and other forms of prejudice as a means to an end for personal profit.

Essentially he harnesses the energies of dispossessed socio-demographic groups in American society, while having zero intention of doing anything to assist them. It’s why he called himself Mr Brexit, although it could also be because of the presumed Kremlin interference in both the UK EUref and the last US presidential election.

“I guess it makes sense that he’s traveling now,” the campaigner added, “his views are so extreme, the dirty money trails swirling around him becoming so clear, it’s likely he won’t be traveling anywhere apart from a holding pen to the courthouse before the year is out.”

But why has the UK government failed to block his visit, when the potential damage to anyone close to the preacher is certain?

“Are you kidding?” a spokesman for the office of the prime minister told us, “Thames Water are terrified of what will happen if they block the visit. The sheer volume of stored urine that would be poured into the sewers of London alone is judged sufficient to overwhelm the network and flood the city.”

Public safety is clearly a concern.

“Also, it’s highly likely that Theresa May won’t still be prime minister when David Dennison lands on the UK’s shores,” they added, “so she’s basically setting up a nightmarish diplomatic trap for whoever follows her. To cancel the visa or not to cancel? It’s a nice up yours to the Queen too. May is still trying to work out how to pay her back for that EU hat. So it will give her something to smile about as she listens to her husband count their money as her PA organises to get her on the well paid after dinner speaking circuit.”

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Opening of Schrodinger’s Brexit box reveals dead cat

The government was under renewed pressure regarding its preparation for Brexit today after leaked papers revealed opening of Schrodinger’s Brexit box revealed a dead cat inside.

”It was ripe too,” a junior minister at DExEU told LCD Views, “I was personally against opening the box. The mystery was better. We had endless seamless and imaginative possibilities before us just so long as we had no grasp or knowledge of measurable reality.”

But it appears pressure from the Japanese over customs arrangements going forward forced the government’s hand.

”That’s not actually true. They have opened the box once before. David Davis and Theresa May opened the sacred box on Bodmin Moor shortly after establishing DExEU expecting to find essentially a treasure map to trading with the world and cake.”

What did they find instead?

”A very healthy cat with a very unique pattern. Blue fur with gold star patterns sitting on a pile of old newspaper cuttings from the first fifty years of the 20th century. It miaowed at them and rubbed its cheek against the edge of the box, singling a desire for a pat.”

What did they do?

”They were so horrified they closed the box and nailed it shut. I expect the cat suffocated sometime after that.”

But how had the cat survived that long?

”Probably because it hadn’t looked at Theresa May? We’re not sure. That’s a mystery.”

So why open it again now?

”They need answers and powerful ones and they need it fast. But it’s a dead cat in a box on a table now. Day after day. That’s all.”

Maybe they could learn something by studying the old newspapers?

”Now you’re just being silly,” the aide snorted, “not a single Brexiter is capable of learning anything from history.”

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‘Wolfenstein : Brexit edition’ developers reveal every end stage boss is a Farage

The developers of the new console game ‘Wolfenstein : Brexit edition’ have revealed in a sneak preview to LCD Views that every end stage boss in Brexit is a Farage.

“It explains why most levels end in a bar with the player’s avatar hurling empty pint glasses and full ashtrays at a computer generated Nigel,” head developer Mr Wonder told us, “although there are various other lower order servants of the hard right, servants of lies with allegedly dodgy money trails to cover over, that you have to defeat as you go.”

Katie Tosskins. Arron Spanks. Jacob Grease-ogg and many other figures that remind people of someone they may have seen spouting absolute bollocks on a BBCQT also feature.

“But every level has a Farage. Until the very end boss in the game. But there’s plenty of fun as you go. One Nigel you have to crash a light aircraft with. Another you have to defeat him by pretending you’re going skinny dippy with him at Brighton, but then not jumping when he does. But listen to me waffle, I’m giving away spoilers!”

And who’s the very end boss?

“You’ll have to play and find out, it’s either Putin or Murdoch or a hybrid of both.”

But campaigners against democracy in the United Kingdom, UKIP, and members of the ERG in the Conservative Party have criticised the game developers.

“All the foot soldiers are UKIP members,” a local UKIP party organiser told us, “I mean. I remember my grandkids playing the original game in the 1980’s and the baddies in that game were all of a certain political persuasion. I’m not sure what the game developers of the modern game, Brexit edition, are trying to say?”

Asked to respond to that Mr Wonder said, “it’s okay. We’re definitely not trying to demonise Brexiters, or we would have made a new version of DOOM instead. We’re just reflecting modern British life at the moment, the plethora of useful idiots being used by dark powers. It’s what all creative people do. Anyone who is offended needs to have a look at who they’ve made their master and what agenda they’ve signed up to.”

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Conservative cabinet at war over who gets to be face of new party beer

News is leaking out today of war inside the Conservative cabinet over who gets to be face of the party’s official campaign beer.

“We decided we couldn’t compete with Labour and the Liberal Democrats and the Greens and SNP and well, everyone, in the social media game so we thought we’d produce a beer,” said head of campaign strategy, Richard Head from Head, More Head and Serve, who are handling the Conservative’s local election campaigning, “it was supposed to be small beer. But it’s turned out to be as difficult as organising a piss up in a brewery for our clients.”

Surely that had have been anticipated? Can you name one area of life in the UK they haven’t screwed up?

“Don’t ask me about all that. I’m just here for the highly paid job. Although I’m being paid through a series of shell companies offshore. But don’t print that. I’m sub-contracting to the contractor who has the contract and well, it’ll all end up in property in Mayfair anyway.”

So what’s gone wrong?

“Nothing. I own several apartments already. Which I refuse to rent out.”

No, what’s gone wrong with the campaign?

“Oh. Sorry. Well it seemed a bloody simple idea.

Blowhard Beer – Proper British Beer. Drink some Tory and spit.

Great slogan. Easy to swallow and just as easy to say.

We mocked up some poster designs under the heading “Order Order”, as it is expected to also help fund the Tory party from sales of Blowhard now their business donors are deserting them over that little SM and CU sex scandal thing, or whatever it is, but…”

But it seems when it came time to pick the cabinet member to be the face of Blowhard was when the trouble started.

“Hammond was clearly right out. Although he was a bit annoying. He kept getting his calculator out and pointing out how many cases of Blowhard we’d have to shift to turn a profit. But we could just ignore him like Theresa told us to do. No. It was Boris and Davis that caused the problem as they both felt they were the most qualified to front the campaign.”

It seems the issue came to a head in the cabinet meeting yesterday when both men turned up dressed as beer bottles, having been privately reassured by Theresa May they had the job.

“I think she wants to fight and for it to go public,” Richard Head said, “she can’t bring herself to sack Boris. She’s hoping a drunken public brawl with Davis might kill two birds with one stone.”

Blowhard will go on sale regardless in the next few days.

“We do have an alternative,” Dick reassured, “we can always call it Scapegoat and put Amber Rudd on the label whether she likes it or not.”

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Benn moves Brexit select committee to Commons bar to ensure Davis stays for a proper session

LCD Views has the scoop today on great news for proper parliamentary procedure with the revelation that Hillary Benn is to hold all future sessions of the Brexit select committee in the taxpayer subsidised Commons bar.

”It’s to ensure that the Secretary of State for Ruining Britain, David Davis MP (for How?) stays for a proper session in future,” head of the select committee Hillary Benn told us.

”If we time it right for happy hours then David will be certain to turn up early too.”

State subsidised booze has long been recognised as one of the tangible benefits of being a member of Parliament, along with having your home bought for you and chargeable foot massages.

The decision to move the committee venue from One Guesswork Lane, Parliament Square, to the Fudge and Fcuk It, as the Commons bar is called, could herald a rebirth in accountability for the Brexit process.

”Davis tends to spill the beans only after he has a skinful,” Benn continued, “if I adopt the Blackadder approach of only drinking ‘extra strong ale’, or water, then I fancy before he discovers I’m not getting trashed he will let slip one or two things.

Although I suspect he really does know bugger all and is actually about as smart as 500g of mince meat, so maybe we’ll just confirm he’s as thick as two planks instead. As he gives few inklings of understanding anything substantial about the Brexit process.

But that makes sense, to put an energetic and intelligent person in as the symbolic figurehead would be to risk exposing Brexit for the hard right coup that it really is.”

Benn’s strategy is likely to work. It’s believed Davis is only at risk of twigging that Benn isn’t getting hammered with him at any point that Davis has an empty jar and Benn still has what appears to be half a pint of gin.

”I can’t go to the gents the whole time,” Benn advises, “because Davis will go all SAS reservist on me and drink whatever I leave on the table. That’s when he’ll catch me out.”

Asked if he couldn’t just take his pint of extra strong ale to the bathroom with him, Benn said no.

”Davis would follow me. He’ll think we’re moving the committee hearing into the gents so we can talk openly about the women. It won’t fly.”

As to David Davis’ feelings about the move?

”If a committee can’t change its venue to one with a cheap, state subsidised and well stocked bar then it ceases to be any damn use to me. I’m going to get the best deal possible on spirits, ales and lager.”

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May unfriends Macron on Facebook after he hits on Trump

Theresa May was embroiled in a social media shitstorm today after she unfriended French President E Macron on Facebook after he hit on America’s most famous one term president Donald Trump.

”It was really silly,” an aide to No 10 told LCD Views, “she saw them holding hands and she just lost it.

We are the ones with the special relationship.

The French are cheese eating surrender monkeys. Everyone knows that, even if they were right to keep well out of Bush and Blair’s Iraq War.”

Quite at what point in the day the British prime minister hit block and unfriend and I hate you is not clear.

”Probably after the cabinet meeting this morning,” the aide said, “Boris got well up her over institutional racism. This wound her right up. As he’s tied himself to the mast of Brexit she assumed he hated everyone on a colour chart system as much as she did. He’s probably just using the issue to try and get fired anyway. He wakes each day looking for the exit from this mighty mess he made.”

So she was primed to snap at someone?

”Oh, that’s just business as usual,” the aide shrugged, “she’s very tense. She wakes each day fearing she’ll face a Labour Party led by someone who isn’t intent on economic destruction with her.”

I suppose this puts Trump’s planned picnic in Buckingham Palace in July in doubt now?

”What are you talking about? She didn’t unfriend Trump. She’ll forgive him. She’s not going to hold it against him that he doesn’t have the instinctive mistrust of the French bred into her like a girl from little England whose most recent reference is Waterloo. And anyway, May and Trump share the same values. She’s determined their special relationship cemented on a set of stairs goes on, all the way to the bottom.”

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Redshirts vote to leave Starship Enterprise

A vote has taken place on board the USS Enterprise, in which the security department have voted in favour of leaving the ship. The move has already been dubbed “Trexit”.

Lieutenant-Commander Antonio Giotto, head of security on board the ship, made this statement:

“We security guards are sick of dying for no cause just to preserve the lives of so-called ‘more important’ crew members. We’re valuable too, and we have decided we want to explore the galaxy on our own.”

Captain James T. Kirk himself had the following comments to make.

“I think the security department on this ship has a somewhat inflated opinion of itself, but their performance record undermines it. There’s nothing in their service contract that says they are required to die just to protect us. Sure, their job is to protect us, but how can they do that if they’re dead? If they die, it’s from their own incompetence.”

The vote was close, apparently being swung on the accusation that the beliefs of the Vulcan First Officer, Mr Spock, meant that they don’t get a decent burial.

Mr Spock himself has gone on record that he respects human beliefs, and that the attitude of the security department was ‘highly illogical’.

But despite Captain Kirk’s reminding Giotto that he actually has more stripes on his uniform than anyone on the ship except himself and Mr Spock – he even has more than either Chief Medical Officer Dr Leonard McCoy or Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott – the security department voted in favour of leaving the ship by a narrow margin, just 52% in favour, 48% voting to remain on board.

The negotiations are now underway for what the security department is entitled to. Captain Kirk and his senior staff have refused to let them have anything more than a shuttle. Giotto has apparently demanded a pilot for the shuttle, but this has been refused. There is, however, one qualified helmsman among the security staff, Lieutenant Ryan Leslie, who was actually a member of the remain camp.

As for what the security department will do next, they haven’t made anything clear yet. However, it is rumoured that Giotto is going to attempt to strike a trade deal with the Klingons. Trexit means Trexit. To oblivion and beyond! We wish them luck.

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Honest upright newspaper blasts traitor for failing to condemn ever expanding family of welfare recipients

Hot on the heels of Corbyn’s slow response to the Royal Baby, the Daily Express has laid into him again. He is now guilty of not condemning foreigners for what they’ve decided is irresponsible breeding.

As Britain gears up to feed another baby born of European stock, a row is brewing. The basis of it is that Corbyn hasn’t done enough to root out Labour members who might have foreign ancestors.

As leader of the so-called opposition, Corbyn is required to take up two contradictory positions at any given time. This is necessary training to become Prime Minister. The PM herself must believe up to six impossible things before breakfast.

Protocol dictates that congratulations, however insincere, must be forthcoming. Imagine the furore had Corbyn commented before Theresa May’s programmers had finished choosing the most appropriate cliché.

The Royal Sprog’s parents, Will and Kate Oxbridge, are believed to be doing well, since there are plenty of people in the Royal household running round after them. The message from Buckingham Palace read “Nanny and baby are doing well.”

There has been much speculation about the baby’s name. Some wags have suggested he be named Jeremy. Ladbroke’s are offering odds of 10-1 for Dwayne, 50-1 on George II, and 5000-1 on Baby McBabyface.

The Duke of Edinburgh has been getting involved with typical German efficiency. “I do hope they don’t call it something stupid like Eugenie,” he reportedly said. “And I’m not a bloody German, I’m Greek!”

The Duke also disclosed that the baby had inherited his father’s hair, before being dragged off by George and Charlotte to play at being fuzzy-wuzzies again.

We tried to interview the Little Prince himself. He opened an eye, removed the nipple from his mouth, and said “I’m a newborn baby, I can’t talk yet. Now bugger orff, I’m feeding!”

Labour activists belatedly slammed the Express for failing to produce a 19 page Royal Baby supplement. The Express has retaliated by producing a 19 page supplement of pictures of Jeremy Corbyn holding babies, presumed to be foreign.

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Jacob Rees-mogg fleeing the country if we stop Brexit identified as another tangible benefit of stopping Brexit

LCD Views can report today what is potentially the greatest benefit to come when Brexit collapses under the weight of its own horror and stupidity being famous medieval noble Jacob Rees-mogg temporally fleeing the country.

“He is threatening to get into his time machine and return to the 14th century,” LCD Views’ chief political analyst reports, “most people believe he is from the 19th century, but that is factually and provably wrong.

He’s actually a minor noble who left the 14th century after the peasant’s revolt and the failure of laws like the statute of labourers and laws against enticement etc. Essentially he was disgusted by the gaining of rights by the poorest in the community. It was not an uplifting experience for him.”

But why did he come to the 21st Century?

“He was aiming for the late 1930’s,” our analyst says, “but he didn’t take into account changes to the Gregorian calendar enacted by Pope Sixtus in the 16th century and he overshot by a few decades.”

That answers how, not why?

“Oh, because his attempts to lobby Edward III to crush freedom of movement for farm serfs, little better than slaves at the time who had to ask the lord of the manor for permission to leave the farm, failed and he surveyed his ‘time orb’ and saw some really exciting things happening in 20th century Europe.

He thought his best chance to fulfil his mission, why he left the Borg cube, to totally subjugate an entire population and take their resources and assets and rights away lay in the 20th century.”

Hang on, the Borg?

“Yes. You will have seen the 1996 documentary on them presented by Patrick Stewart.”

This does make a lot of things clearer. So we can rid ourselves of space alien, medieval peasant crushing, minor noble Jacob Rees-mogg merely by stopping Brexit?

“It will be just another tangible benefit of stopping Brexit. It’s either that or lose freedom of movement, consulate protection from dozens of countries, the NHS, farming sector, high tech manufacturing, international reputation, mass investment and a bunch of other stuff, like being a member of a bloc of democracies big enough to finally start to take action against the tax havens that are using populism and manipulation of voting to protect their greed.”

What’s tax evasion and everyday people’s rights got to do with it?

“Oh, that’s what the Borg feed upon.”

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Home Office reveal modified EU27 citizen registration app test device to build confidence in system

The Home Office has released photos of the modified EU27 citizen registration app test device today in order to build confidence in their pioneering system.

“There was all this fuss and bother over the fact the app doesn’t work on apples,” Home Office minister Mrs S Acrifical MP, told LCD Views, “so we made some modifications to the test device and will be running a new battery of tests to prove the system works. We are confident of delivering this system under budget and before the cliff edge Brexit we’re aiming for.”

It seems the phone app was settled on as the best way to deliver the system because that way the Home Office can better track EU citizens movements wherever they are day and night.

“It will make it easier to locate, intern and deport them when they reach retirement age,” the minister added, “which will be more efficient for the private security company awarded the contract to do just that.

We did think about just badging people the traditional way, to show they were now worth less than patriots, but focus group testing was negative.

But as none of us running this Brexit shower have learned anything at all from modern history, we can’t work out why there was so much kick back.”

The proposed system has also come under fire for requiring individuals to pay a fee of £72 and register individually.

“Everyone is against two for one deals suddenly, so we thought it best to make individuals in a family pay separately to register to lose their rights. But you will get a smiley face emoji as a thank you. We’re just settling on the moustache for its face.”

Queries over whether or not it would have been better to just grant citizenship freely to EU27 citizens who came here in a prior atmosphere of trust have been waved away.

“That’s hardly the hostile environment Theresa May is known to love to create,” the minister replied, “don’t be silly. And besides, they’re the only bargaining chips we have.”

A retort that these are human beings, people, friends, spouses, partners and shared humanity and we should be treating them the same as we expect to be treated, and anything less shames the United Kingdom, were dismissed.

“Oh, don’t you worry, once we’ve succeeded in taking away the freedom of movement for UK citizens, and ripped ourselves out of a mass of treaties legally ensuring minimum rights and treatment, you’ll find the treatment rapidly becomes very equal for all.”