News is leaking out today of war inside the Conservative cabinet over who gets to be face of the party’s official campaign beer.
“We decided we couldn’t compete with Labour and the Liberal Democrats and the Greens and SNP and well, everyone, in the social media game so we thought we’d produce a beer,” said head of campaign strategy, Richard Head from Head, More Head and Serve, who are handling the Conservative’s local election campaigning, “it was supposed to be small beer. But it’s turned out to be as difficult as organising a piss up in a brewery for our clients.”
Surely that had have been anticipated? Can you name one area of life in the UK they haven’t screwed up?
“Don’t ask me about all that. I’m just here for the highly paid job. Although I’m being paid through a series of shell companies offshore. But don’t print that. I’m sub-contracting to the contractor who has the contract and well, it’ll all end up in property in Mayfair anyway.”
So what’s gone wrong?
“Nothing. I own several apartments already. Which I refuse to rent out.”
No, what’s gone wrong with the campaign?
“Oh. Sorry. Well it seemed a bloody simple idea.
Blowhard Beer – Proper British Beer. Drink some Tory and spit.
Great slogan. Easy to swallow and just as easy to say.
We mocked up some poster designs under the heading “Order Order”, as it is expected to also help fund the Tory party from sales of Blowhard now their business donors are deserting them over that little SM and CU sex scandal thing, or whatever it is, but…”
But it seems when it came time to pick the cabinet member to be the face of Blowhard was when the trouble started.
“Hammond was clearly right out. Although he was a bit annoying. He kept getting his calculator out and pointing out how many cases of Blowhard we’d have to shift to turn a profit. But we could just ignore him like Theresa told us to do. No. It was Boris and Davis that caused the problem as they both felt they were the most qualified to front the campaign.”
It seems the issue came to a head in the cabinet meeting yesterday when both men turned up dressed as beer bottles, having been privately reassured by Theresa May they had the job.
“I think she wants to fight and for it to go public,” Richard Head said, “she can’t bring herself to sack Boris. She’s hoping a drunken public brawl with Davis might kill two birds with one stone.”
Blowhard will go on sale regardless in the next few days.
“We do have an alternative,” Dick reassured, “we can always call it Scapegoat and put Amber Rudd on the label whether she likes it or not.”