LCD Views

Dublin’s automotive manufacturing sector was reporting the beginning of a boom today as English workers began establishing subsidiary jobs in Ireland.

”There’s been a trickle of English car sector workers setting up subsidiary jobs since the overwhelming majority of voters in the United Kingdom delivered an unassailable advisory mandate to destroy all life in the United Kingdom,” our Dublin correspondent said,

“and as the Brexit negotiations are nearing a triumphant conclusion, English people are taking advantage of the new, exciting possibilities opened up for them by hard right, and hard left, politicians in England. Added of course by hundreds of moderates who are only too willing to support the decision to erase the economy.”

It seems pressure is now piling on workers at Jaguar Landrover, Rolls Royce, Nissan and others who haven’t acted yet to get that second job established, before Dublin runs out of space.

”It’s quite amazing when you consider before the referendum how many doom merchants said Brexit would cut a devastating swathe through entire sectors of British manufacturing. But here we are, much like hedge fund managers, auto workers are finding they’re ending up with more jobs thanks to Brexit, not less. It’s also a boom to the aviation sector as the car workers of England will need to fly in and out of Dublin to manage their second jobs.”

We sought comment for this exciting change from an English politician who hitherto has had a reputation for being a bit of a remoaner.

“It just shows the sensible, pragmatic approach of the British people,” Jacob Rees-mogg told us, “faced with the opportunity to hedge against only having so many hours in the day to work their existing English jobs, they’re setting up subsidiary jobs in Dublin. It all makes perfect sense.”

And what about your investment business? Are you following the lead of the car sector workers, who in their thousands are now experiencing the thrill of Brexit’s many, exciting possibilities?

“Oh no, I’m far too patriotic for that,” he said, “call me old fashioned, but I like to keep the majority of my fund’s money in sanctioned Russian banks.”

David Davis MP, leader of the United Kingdom’s Brexit negotiating team, stood up today in protest and led the UK team in a walk out protest out of negotiations and straight into a cupboard.

“He thought it was the door to the corridor that led to the in-house bar,” Mrs Oh-No, member of the team told us, “and he was planning to buy everyone in our team some tequila shots to celebrate stuffing Barnier. You should have seen the look on the unelected, eurocrats faces when Davis seized his chance during some endlessly, mind numbing chat about contingency planning relating to the UK’s food supplies and Dover should a hard Brexit occur!”

It seems tensions have been building for some weeks, during the largely amiable negotiations, because Mr Barnier and his team insist on talking about facts, rules, legal mumbo jumbo in a way that is just boring Mr Davis to tears.

“Mr Davis has become increasingly frustrated at Mr Barnier’s refusal to horse trade in the time honoured way. How is anything supposed to get done with such inflexibility on the European side? Rules are made to be broken. It’s a good thing we’re leaving. We can have no rules once we’re out.”

It’s believed the actual preparation on the European side is also a cause of contention.

“We turn up with empty hands,” Mrs Oh-No revealed, “it’s so we can keep them open in a posture of friendship. Or, of course, shake our fists to emphasis our displeasure at the EU’s wilful destruction of our industrial base by its pursuit of this bullying, hard Brexit policy.”

But how do the EU turn up?

“Oh my God. With these telephone book size documents. They are just a bunch of swats. Really nerdy. They’ll never get on out in the real world.”

At the time of publishing Mr Davis was apparently still inside the cupboard and was now insisting it contained a magical portal that once triggered would open the way to the UK getting everything it wanted from negotiations and being free to trade with the world once more.

LCD Views can reveal mass outbreaks of relief across these patriotic blue islands today as news filtered through that the last millionaire Brexiter had secured burgundy passports for himself and his children.

“It’s just wonderful,” Ms Stukathom told us, while we lined up to bulk buy beans for the impending Brexit, “my children have been asking me over and over lately, mummy, what if those poor disaster capitalists that have engineered the calamity get stuck at home? Unable to flee to a nearby European country with sufficient food? And what about the Lexit kings? Will they be okay? Warm in their bellies knowing that the food riots are just eggs breaking to make the omelette of their decades long fevered dream?”

It seems Ms Stukathom can reassure her anxious young that it will be okay, none of the people who have lied through their teeth to damn an entire country for their short term profit, their ideological wet dream, and the furthering of a certain kleptomaniac’s international, statecraft agenda, need worry. They and their families will be okay.

“Do you think this supermarket will be ground zero on the day?” she asked us next, “I mean, once people realise that with only a few days worth of food in the country, and Dover a parking lot for the foreseeable future, it’s going to be a riot doing the grocery shopping.”

We think she is quite right to raise the issue.

As a responsible international, solely print media, tabloid style, truth owning publication of long standing renown going back months now, we would like to advise anyone still reading to do one thing and one thing only in preparation for Brexit.

Firstly, don’t worry about the millionaires that cheated to get you into this situation. Don’t worry about the leaders of the major political parties jamming the United Kingdom into calamity for their own personal ambition. They will all be alright.

But secondly (okay, two things), START BULK BUYING TINNED FOOD AND CANDLES NOW! Learn to set a snare. Learn to light a fire with sticks. Do it today.

And remember, if you only have a blue passport in the future, and richer and/or better connected people still have burgundy ones, you’ll be able to trade your pets in at the many makeshift government border crossings in order to get through and claim political asylum in the EU27 country of your choice. Assuming you haven’t already eaten your pets.

Those nights guarding the fully controlled borders of mighty England are going to be as long and at times as cold as Norther Korean ones. The guards will appreciate a warm meal as they clutch their blue passports tight and watch you scurry into a boat and away from Dover. Or any of the many other hundreds of ports of your choice.

Champagne producers were expressing surprise today after learning champagne is allegedly sold in Wetherspoons.

”I’ll have to check with my sales team,” Mr Moët told us, “Wetherspoons is not exactly known as a place to go if you want to drink champagne? From what I understand you go to Wetherspoons to learn about geopolitical issues from beer mats while drowning your sorrows about your personal life?”

Other producers were similarly surprised.

”This is a slander,” Mrs Bollie said, “if we’re helping that puffed up bullfrog  make money with our product I’ll be putting an end to it immediately, even before the hard Brexit he keeps calling for ruins that tub thumping idiot’s business model.”

But Mr Martin, boss of the Witheringspoon chain was adamant he’d stuff them first.

”We return it all once it hits sell by date anyway,” he said in the sort of droning monotone that neatly expresses his inner hollow, “people keep saying just because I get most of my staff from the EU, that only membership of the customs union and single market actually makes my cut price cat’s piss business model viable don’t know how self defeating I’m prepared to be on Brexit.”

Thats an interesting point. Why is that? Some suspect the drop in the pound is really hurting you and further devaluation could see you stuffed?

”Just read my beer mats. I make them myself while screaming into a void.”

So how will you respond to the champagne makers surprise they even do business with you? Apparently it’s not because they don’t think anyone drinking in your place wouldn’t drink champagne, it’s more who in hell would choose to drink it with you?

”By limiting the range of product I offer to only Kent sparkling in wines, regardless of how much there is in supply. Oh and by reminding everyone in the EU that they need my pub chain more than it needs them.”

You just thought you could baffle your customers with bullshit and bully your way with the EU, didn’t you?

”Wait until after Brexit. My political chums will have ways to deal with traitors like you. You’ll be finding yourself on a beer mat with wanted on top.”

If the mat is as accurate as the fact free crap you always produce, I fancy I’ll be pretty safe. Good luck with Brexit. I’m sure you’re really only motivated to try and free yourself from a bunch of red tape that stops you looking after your staff the way you want to.

A disgruntled former Number Ten staffer has revealed the ‘missing link’ between London and Moscow. Not only the existence of a secret tunnel beneath Europe, but also that its unofficial name is “Putin’s Passage”.

The true name of the tunnel is the Trans-Continental Expressway. It was apparently built in great haste by Carillion after David Cameron surprisingly won the 2010 election. It means that personnel, documents and money can be transferred without detection between the two global giants seeking to destroy the EU.

It is also alleged that Arron Banks has often used it when going to visit his Russian in-laws. The fact that he could kill two birds with one stone and act as a go-between is entirely coincidental.

This means that Russia is undermining Europe quite literally as well as metaphorically.

None of the mainstream media wanted to run the story, because Brexit is boring, innit, and besides there’s a football tournament starting up soon. So whistleblower Anne Othergrass spoke to LCD Views instead.

“I felt a duty to speak out,” said Othergrass. “A hell of a lot of public money was diverted away from the NHS to pay for the tunnel and bonuses for Carillion’s directors.”

Didn’t the Russians contribute?

“They set up all the sub-contractors,” she replied. “Shedloads of roubles passed through Carillion and these other companies, and paid massive dividends to the Russian government.”

So how come Carillion collapsed?

“Oh, that was to avoid scrutiny!” she said. “And also to duck out of any obligation to provide public infrastructure in the UK.”

The tunnel’s nickname arose, Othergrass confirmed, because of the sheer amount of shit the Russians dumped on the UK government. “Take the shit or the money stops flowing,” was the threat.

So Brexit proceeds, driven by the Spirit of Empire Past in the west, and funded by the Spirit of Empire Yet To Come in the east. Stuck in the middle with EU.

And now we know exactly how far Brexiters are up Putin’s Arse.