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Staff urged to call matadors and chase bull out of china shop

Animal behaviour experts have advised the managers of the Foreign Office China Shop to call in matadors and finally deal with the bull rampaging about the shop floor.

“He’s not going to stop. You can see he’s out of control. Look at all the Royal Doulton he’s broken already! Heaven help us if he has another chaotic run about in the Persian ware section. And the Mings!”

It’s believed the bull initially gained access to the China shop because the head of sales, Ms T. May, found him waiting outside the door on her first day of work and let him inside.

“Apparently she was anxious as to what he might do in the brownfield site next to the car park behind the shop and just opened the door and invited him in. What a baffling choice! You could see he was going to be trouble by the way he’s always dragging those hooves across the floor, even when seemingly immobile for short spells.”

It’s believed it shouldn’t be necessary to harm the bull to get it outside, just stand in the entrance and wave about a red flag that has hearts all over it and he’ll come charging.

“The only other option is to wait until he’s properly trashed the whole showroom, gets bored, and wanders off to greener pastures. But he may well do some serious harm to some of the customers who are trapped inside with him. Reports suggest he’s already badly bruised one lady.”

LCD Views believes action should be taken asap. Call the matadors! Who is going to want to shop at the Foreign Office China Shop while a bull is rampaging about, smashing carefully crafted porcelain to pieces?

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Woman with history of indecision decides exact day and time the UK ends

The Prime Minister gave solace to an anxious cluster of nations today by informing them of exactly the number of hours and days they have to save themselves.

“The United Kingdom will cease to be a member of the 21st century at 11pm on the 29th of March 2019,” the hollowed out husk of a politician stated.

LCD Views spoke to our economic forecaster for details of why the prime minister was able to be so exact.

“She’s not really here anymore,” Dr F Umble advises, “she’s been vanishing into the mist for many months now and I fully expect her to have disappeared completely by March 2019. Perhaps even by the end of 2017. It’s hard to say but it’s clear whichever fantasy realm she escaped from is taking her home for good.”

We are glad it’s clear for Dr Umble as it’s a bit bloody baffling for everyone else.

“I know it’s confusing for laymen,” Dr F continued, “but for someone who pays the slightest attention to all the red lights that are now flashing a screaming red on the economic and diplomatic dashboard of the United Kingdom it’s clear we have exactly”

The Doctor paused to get his calculator.

“Well, there’s fifty one days left in 2017, three hundred and sixty five? That many days for 2018 and about 96 days and twenty three hours left until we all vanish in a great tsunami of kipper urine in 2019. So that’s encouraging.”

The fantasy realm Ms May escaped from had the following words of advice,

“There’s buckley’s chance of her seeing out more than a few months as your unelected leader. We advise reverting to an absolute monarchy again and having another civil war.

But then, we grow Theresa Mays, so, probably best to just put sufficient pressure on your elected representatives until they realise all their legacies are going to be about as cheerful as a dose of bloody flux and you’ll probably find this entire Brexit dose goes away in an embarrassing calamity of u turns.”

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David Davis puts job on the line by opening his mouth again

David Davis, Secretary of State for Perpetual Confusion (and Brexit), has put his job on the line this afternoon by opening his mouth again.

The gaffe happened after the latest round of EU/Brexit negotiatons with Barnier.

Barrier is a man not many people in the UK know much about, and you’re not going to learn much about him here, as we’re too busy gawping in bemused horror at Davis. A man who is designing the UK’s future with an hourglass that’s running out fast.

“The government [UK] will not accept any constitutional and economic risk to the country,” Mr Davis stated this afternoon.

This could cost him his job.

For the first time a government minister responsible for Brexit has decided to break ranks and describe it honestly, presumably because he’s worked out what it is at last.

It will not go down well in Downing Street.

Ms May is rumoured to have ordered anyone who works out what Brexit is to come and tell her first.

“He’s a complete idiot!” An aide to the PM told LCD Views. “May is livid. Now everyone knows what Brexit is before her.”

The only thing that might save Davis is May’s unwillingness to lose all her cabinet ministers in the space of a week.

Although if he is given the chance to “resign” over the gaffe, Davis can spend more time studying a big chart of the human body.

This will enable him to finally master the names of two vital body parts that have puzzled him for decades. Just maybe he’ll be able to tell the difference between his elbow and the other thing.

Given he has been set a test date of a little under two weeks away to prove he knows which is which, he best hit the books and hit them hard. If the course books exist of course, that’s doubtful too!

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Moz the Monster from John Lewis Xmas ad to undergo treatment for cookie addiction

Scandal has gripped the headquarters of the department store John Lewis this afternoon with the shock revelation that Moz has booked himself into The Priory for treatment to cookie addiction.

An insider who claims to work at the famous clinic phoned LCD Views to speak of his dread at the latest celebrity client.

“It’s going to get messy,” Tru Knot told us, “as I’ve heard one of the biggest problems on the set of the advert was the lack of house training prior to luring Moz out of the forest to take the job of monster under the bed.”

It’s believed Moz has succumbed to the pressure of fame and fortune like so many naive instant stars down through the decades.

“Cookie addiction is a tough one to beat. You normally have to prescribe bland crackers of some variety to manage the cravings, but whether or not Moz can resist sneaking out at night and raiding the shelves of an off license is anyone’s guess.”

Complicating matters is believed to be another addiction to the harder substance of Ben and Jerry’s “Cookie Dough” ice cream.

“That stuff really is the crystal meth of cookie substances. It’s incredibly hard to kick the habit. All it takes is one scoop and you’re normally in for the whole tub.”

We are still waiting for an official response from the famous retailer. It’s thought they are swinging between distancing themselves from the scandal and offering to take Moz home.

“I’d lock him in his room. Timber and nails across the door time. Give him a bucket and a pile of tomato soup tins and just force him to go cold turkey. And be ready for the screaming.

And whatever you do, don’t let the Cookie Monster visit him. It’s likely he’s the one who started all this nonsense in the first place.”

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David Cameron seeking treatment for recurring nightmare in which he is Theresa May

WAKE UP SCREAMING : LCD Views Karma correspondent has seen smuggled patient files from a west London therapist’s office that suggest David Cameron is seeking treatment for a recurring nightmare in which he is Theresa May.

“It all began just after I took the heavy responsibility of running away from Brexit.” Mr Cameron is said to have revealed.

“I mean, you would have to be a moron to think you can make a success of it. It seemed the best possible decision in the country’s interests was to go into hiding, so people could remember me how I was before June 23rd 2016.”

It seems initially this decision left Mr Cameron feeling incredibly relieved, but it didn’t last for long.

“But then the nightmares started,” He is said to have gone on, “every night it’s the same dream. I find myself staring at a cabinet that has taken me prisoner and are asking me incredibly threatening questions like, what should we do about the Brexit?”

The nightmares are said to have become so severe David is unable to put them out of his mind while awake.

“You know it’s horrifying. I’ll be at the podium giving a speech for thousands of pounds to some people who have paid to hear me talk about leadership and I’ll see my reflection in the glass, you know, they always give you water, and Theresa May is staring right back at me.”

Apparently therapists have advised that a potential cure is to follow other political leaders who have screwed it up, like T-Bone Blair and Nick “Damn it” Clegg back into the fray of political life to try and undo the calamity that is Brexit.

“I can’t do that. I won’t. It’s not fair. So many people still believe me to have been a good prime minister. How will they feel if I become tarnished with Brexit? They might never recover their faith in politics.”

Therapy is ongoing, with the hope that in the fullness of time, David will find a way to make peace with his inner demons and get a good night’s sleep.

“I earned it you know. I really did. I put the caring back into the Conservatives. Just look at all the food banks we opened for the hungry. Hopefully in time I’ll come to view myself as other people do.”

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Cabinet production of The Wizard Of Oz in disarray after IDS fails audition to play heartless tin man

Iain Duncan Smith has all the attributes necessary, you would have thought. Heartless, and allegedly part android, his audition was expected to be a shoo-in.

However, the director, Grant Favours, explained that IDS just wouldn’t do. “He lacks the necessary emotion,” Favours elaborated. “No pathos, no empathy. Ironically there was no heart to his performance.”

The first choice Cowardly Lion, Boris Johnson, has also been dropped. Although very little make-up was required, Boris insisted on ad-libbing lines such as ‘We’re off to see the wizard, I mean goodness, that’s no way to describe a fellow, such flummery and flibbertigibbet, I mean, he may be a bit discombobulated, but come on! What do you mean, “Cut!”?’

Dorothy was being played quite adequately, until recently, by Priti Patel. Unfortunately, having tarnished her good-girl image, Patel was deemed unsuitable. Theresa May is hoping to re-audition. “Unfortunately, Theresa is far too wooden,” remarked Favours. “She will retain the part of Dorothy’s house in Kansas.”

By contrast, the role of the scarecrow with no brains had no end of candidates. “The number of straw men auditioning is incredible,” says Favours, “but Jeremy C. Hunt was the outstanding choice.”

Similarly popular was the part of the Wicked Witch of the West. Despite strong opposition from the ghost of Margaret Thatcher, the Witch will actually be played by Andrea Leadsom.

Other parts are more settled. The munchkins will be played by whichever backbenchers can be arsed to turn up. The Wizard of Oz is being played by the personification of Brexit himself, Nigel Farage.

Meanwhile, the man charged with turning vision into reality, David Davis, believes that he is doing a fantastic job. Despite there being no visible progress, Davis insists that the scenery will be completed, the hall booked, and publicity organised, simply by tapping his heels together three times.

The part of Toto is to be taken by Jeremy Corbyn.

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Boris Johnson to swim by Grimsby and reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too

LCD Views has received exhilarating news this evening that Boris Johnson is to swim by Grimsby to reassure fishermen they can have their fish and eat them too.

Mr Johnson phoned LCD Views from his American working holiday to outline how he’s going to save the fishing fleets of Grimsby now they are realising Brexit is going to leave them up a creek without a paddle.

“I’d like the good, hard working, soul of Grimsby to know that I think Donald Trump is a wonder, a star, a blazing Orion and I will be laying the groundwork for a post Brexit Free Fish Trade Deal with the USA just as soon as I finish promising British layabouts will be airlifted to America to shine his gold lift while talking in Dick Van Dyke accents.”

Mr Johnson went on to make it clear that the fish being exported to America will be free and Grimsby will receive a lot of positive tweets in return that can only encourage their tourist industry.

“To help. To show. To feel my love. I will be swimming by Grimsby just as soon as I return from the mighty giant across the pond, where I’m looking for a future after Brexit crashes, and I’ll put on my trunks and swim by Grimsby fishing boats and wave desperately in Union Jack bathing shorts shouting for salvation.

You can have your fish Grimsby and you can eat them too. I’ll write it on a bloody bus if I have to! It maybe grim up north, but it will be worth it with me pushing your children into the sea for you and getting away scot free.”

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Priti Patel follows Michael Fallon as government tries to reduce wastage of space

The move has been described as part of the government’s drive to reduce wastage in all areas of the public sector.

Only last week Sir Michael Fallon was obliged to resign (“culled” is the word used in official documents leaked to your correspondent). Now Priti Patel has also been culled in the latest round of swingeing cuts.

A lot of Westminster hot air and poncey analyses by the quality press later, all that can really be said that two wastes of space have been eliminated. The crimes of the two protagonists can be summed up as “being found out”.

Fallon was outed as an old-fashioned perv, despite his strenuous denials. There has been the suggestion that he doth protest too much.

Patel was up to shady business under the unlikely guise of a holiday, then being evasive about the affair. Essentially, telling porkies.

Cursory examination of the facts would suggest that Fallon is hardly the biggest perv in the May Team, and that habitual fibbing is a trait common to most, if not all, members of the government. Boris ‘Blonde Ambition’ Johnson and Michael ‘Slithy’ Gove must be thinking, there but for the grace of God.

Austerity in government is hardly new. There is a precedent in the Rump Parliament, which culled opponents to government policy (as decided upon by 52% of the population). These particular arses executed King Charles, abolished the monarchy and handed power to raving idealists who abolished fun. This looks like it could happen all over again.

Whereas the official line of the Palace is “Meh”, Prince Charles is said to be outraged at the possibility of history repeating itself.

In an interview given recently to his favourite tree, he was heard to remark that Parliament had it in for kings named Charles, and that he would dismiss Parliament in favour of direct rule if he had half a chance.

Let’s face it, he could hardly do a worse job than the current mob.

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Leaked CON HQ plans reveal bendy bus chosen as next Tory GE battle bus

LCD Views have got our hands on general election plans supposedly leaked from the safes of Conservative HQ this afternoon which shows images of a bendy bus chosen as the battle bus for the general election coming December 2017.

We asked our Electioneering analyst to have a look and see what it all meant.

“There’s a lot of MPs to ferry about so they need a long, snake like form of transport,” Harry Harried commented.

“Also, see this rubber section in the middle? It’s designed to allow the bus to navigate around even the clearest codes of conduct or sense of ethics. Especially regarding money, the entire future of the country versus perceived personal interest and any commitments made in the past. It’s an award winning design.”

Not only will getting passed other sharp elbowed road users be made easier by the bendy bus, but it’s felt the passengers will fill more at home in a bus that is able to turn right back around on itself if circumstances demand.

“U turns will be a complete breeze with this bus,” Harry added. “And you see those gymnastist bars that have been installed instead of seating? Imagine the backflips you could do holding those!”

The bus is apparently being fuelled and made ready to hit the road at the drop of the general election hat.

“I expect the catering facilities to be first class too. Although rumours suggest the drinks chosen do taste a bit like bile, but most of the people onboard will be well used to that.”

Look out for the bus passing through your neighbourhood soon. It’ll be easy to spot. It will have a magic money tree painted along the side.

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Mordor takes direct control of government cabinet appointments starting with Mordaunt

The Kingdom of Mordor has issued a press release this afternoon stating they are now assuming direct control of all cabinet appointments, starting with Penny Mordaunt as the new International Development Secretary.

“Priti’s departure is a great opportunity for us to pluck a startled rabbit out from under the ministerial choosing hat and promote her to May’s cabinet,” The Eye explained.

“It’s nothing personal. It’s just we are determined to get the best Brexit deal possible so we have to have committed ideologues in the cabinet. Anyone who looks at facts is a danger!

I’m sure she’ll fit right in, having said some rather frisky things about Turkey during the EURef campaign last year. Oh and the big splash she made in a television special about pool safety is bound to stand her in good stead.”

It seems the kingdom is further hopeful that Penny will be able to help with its financial troubles.

“Ever since we lost our gold reserves in a fiery mountain thanks to those pesky kids things have been a little strained hereabouts.”

Mordor is hopeful Penny will help them with infrastructure development directly at home.

“It’s arguable that other countries seeking British taxpayer money don’t need it like we do. We are actually hopeful Patel has left a few scribbled notes lying about her old office that explain why she was trying to divert aid money to the Middle East. All will come out in due course anyway, if there’s more to it, I suppose.”

The Eye added it had booked Penny an open ticket, first class, on a giant bird of prey and expect her to use it just as soon as she can get some time out of her busy schedule.

“Based on the actions of her predecessor in the post it will have to be a working holiday.”