Champagne producers were expressing surprise today after learning champagne is allegedly sold in Wetherspoons.
”I’ll have to check with my sales team,” Mr Moët told us, “Wetherspoons is not exactly known as a place to go if you want to drink champagne? From what I understand you go to Wetherspoons to learn about geopolitical issues from beer mats while drowning your sorrows about your personal life?”
Other producers were similarly surprised.
”This is a slander,” Mrs Bollie said, “if we’re helping that puffed up bullfrog make money with our product I’ll be putting an end to it immediately, even before the hard Brexit he keeps calling for ruins that tub thumping idiot’s business model.”
But Mr Martin, boss of the Witheringspoon chain was adamant he’d stuff them first.
”We return it all once it hits sell by date anyway,” he said in the sort of droning monotone that neatly expresses his inner hollow, “people keep saying just because I get most of my staff from the EU, that only membership of the customs union and single market actually makes my cut price cat’s piss business model viable don’t know how self defeating I’m prepared to be on Brexit.”
Thats an interesting point. Why is that? Some suspect the drop in the pound is really hurting you and further devaluation could see you stuffed?
”Just read my beer mats. I make them myself while screaming into a void.”
So how will you respond to the champagne makers surprise they even do business with you? Apparently it’s not because they don’t think anyone drinking in your place wouldn’t drink champagne, it’s more who in hell would choose to drink it with you?
”By limiting the range of product I offer to only Kent sparkling in wines, regardless of how much there is in supply. Oh and by reminding everyone in the EU that they need my pub chain more than it needs them.”
You just thought you could baffle your customers with bullshit and bully your way with the EU, didn’t you?
”Wait until after Brexit. My political chums will have ways to deal with traitors like you. You’ll be finding yourself on a beer mat with wanted on top.”
If the mat is as accurate as the fact free crap you always produce, I fancy I’ll be pretty safe. Good luck with Brexit. I’m sure you’re really only motivated to try and free yourself from a bunch of red tape that stops you looking after your staff the way you want to.