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Jacob Rees-mogg to be cryogenically frozen and thawed out once the benefits of Brexit occur

LCD Views can report fantastic news today for lovers of traditional British democracy, and Tory MPs who appear to have been taken from the 19th century, dress sense, social views and all.

”Jacob Rees-mogg is to be cryogenically frozen,” an aide to the slender man told us exclusively, “and thawed out once the benefits of Brexit occur.”

The plan involves a bunker jammed with science stuff somewhere on his sprawling Somerset estate and is expected to be in place before the advent of the No Deal Brexit he’s working so hard to achieve.

”Funny how achieving nothing can actually achieve a lot,” the aide mused, “especially if you don’t want your country to have to adhere to the new EU rules on tax dodging coming into place just after the end of the UK’s Article 50 notice period. Oh and if you think poor people should have a healthy dose of chlorine in their diet.”

As to whether or not the timing of the UK’s exit out of the EU is in anyway related to London being a giant money laundering machine is not for us to speculate.

We’re more interested in how long we’ll be without Jacob’s long shadow cast across parliamentary process. Oh and how his Dublin based investment business is doing. Talk about having your cake and eat it. His consumption of financial cake, in and out of the EU, is set to continue during the cryogenic sleep.

”There won’t be much parliamentary process after Brexit,” the aide reassured, “rubber stamp stuff. So we don’t have to worry about Jacob not being in the voting lobbies. Even if personally I’m in favour of wheeling him in and out of them,

“anyway, Jacob thinks fifty years ought to do it. He’s going to be frozen now so he’s still fertile when he is revived to rule the land like a lord of darkness. Hopefully medical science will make it feasible for him to live for eternity once he awakens from the crypt again. I mean cryogenic facility. Cryogenic. Nothing to do with crypts. Nothing. But please, no garlic or garlic based products. They play havoc with cryogenics.”

It seems too the autocratically minded, energetic MP expects his many children and anticipated grandchildren to rule in his place during his slumber.

”They should have gone on to breed an army of Mogg’s by the time he cracks the ice off his eyelids and rises,” the aide added, “and then Jacob can really feel the benefits of Brexit. Because Brexit ultimately means the death of democracy. And that’s a Brexit benefit we can all enjoy. Especially as we’ll all be serfs.”

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Mumm-Ra asks to be sealed back inside black sarcophagus as there is too much evil even for him

Archaeologists this week got rather more than they baragined for as they opened a black sarcophagus that had been sealed for millennia.

Investigating the ruins of what appeared to be an onyx pyramid, the team discovered the ancient tomb standing upright inside a giant replica of a skull, close to a stagnant pool of water.

The minute the seal was broken on the ancient coffin, the lid was flung out from inside, and out flew a scrawny blue being wrapped in bandages and wearing a red cloak. It flew around the ruins and declared, “wherever evil exists, Mumm-Ra lives!”

The archaeologists observed this being with some trepidation, as they had understandably not expected to find anything living inside the box. Expedition leader Jack Allman finally plucked up the courage to ask the creature who or what it was. This strange creature cackled hoarsely, and explained that its name was Mumm-Ra, and that it was the embodiment of all the evil in the world.

It then flew to the pool, and the archaeologists watched in terrified fascination as it then chanted:

“Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra The Ever Living!”

In a flash, the bandages flew off, the cloak changed shape to become a pair of wings, and Mumm-Ra himself grew in size, becoming about three or four feet taller and rippling with muscles. He then flew off, still cackling, and saying something about looking for something called the Eye of Thundera, which made about as much sense to the archaeologists as the rest of it.

That would have been the end of matters, the archaeological team from SlitheCorp would have just dismissed it as a mass hallucination and pretended that it never happened until a few minutes later, the being flew right back to them again and begged to be re-sealed inside his stony tomb.

Jack Allman continues:

“We couldn’t believe it either time. First he escapes, cackling insanely, then he flies back begging to be locked away again”

It turned out that Mumm-Ra had flown around the world looking to conquer it, headed for places of power, gone straight to the White House, taken one look at Donald Trump and decided that there was too much evil there even for him.

“We protested that the sarcophagus was too valuable a find to abandon,” Jack Allman added, “but then we all suddenly felt the breath leaving our bodies, and he was clearly doing it, so we agreed to get someone in who could do that.”

Engineer Lionel Rowe was flown in where he immediately set to work on fusing the two pieces of the sarcophagus back together. He described the events thus:

“It was strange, deliberately working to seal someone up. I felt like a murderer, until the creature explained that he had been existing inside it for thousands of years. I got a recording of it on my phone just to make sure I wasn’t imagining the whole thing, and then did it. Finally it was sealed, and we buried the sarcophagus as deeply as we could, again at his request. He said he hopes the next time he is released, the earth will have slightly less evil in it, because even he has his limits.”

So there you have it. Truth or myth? We don’t know. It’s easy to dismiss something like this as impossible, but the haunted look on Jack Allman’s face didn’t look faked.

They did tell us where to look for the sarcophagus, but advised strongly against it. As the choice of results for going there was between unleashing evil on the world and looking like fools for believing, we decided not to chance it.

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May unapologetique pour les bad translations de Brexitte

Therese Mai Vendreday était unapologetique pour les bad translations de sa texte de Brexitte distributé par sa servantes civille en Bruxelles.

Représentatiffes de les 27 Goveurnements des membres états étaient trés vites pour notifier l’ambassadeur des Royames Unis qu’ils sont pas impressed, et beaucoup de pissed-oeuf.

Mais Mai était unapologetiques.

“Les criticismes sont les bolleux, absolutement. Bien sur, they should be ‘ow you say, ‘chuffed aux bits’ que nous avons made le feurquing effort,” elle dit.

Representatives pour le German gouvernment de Angela Merkel, était pissed-oeuf en particuleurment at the mangling of their German mouth.

“Seine Weisspaper hast einen kompleten kocken-uppen spielen maden offen ihre Langensprach, ” also sprach Oberpolitisheuntersekretaritatenspieler Zara Wustra, out-pointen der vielen Ekxamplen des nichts feasibleeeen Kompoundschennounen und Werbenspielers.

“Eider zey mussen haben genuzen einer zehr altes Diktschönerrich oder sie mussen gehen nach der Schpektenssarvveren,” sprach sie, laffen glücklichly.

Representatives of Slovenia and the Baltic republics were also Friday, believed to be not best pleased but were unavailable for parody due to the Foreign office having failed to locate anyone capable of translating English into any of their native languages.

“To be honest we were only dimly aware they’d joined,” admitted top Whitehall civil servant, Sir Geoffrey Indexlinked-Pension.

“We gave up counting after the first fifteen and just filed everything under “Foreigner – Johnny, various,” he explained fingering his recently acquired French passport.

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Home Office slammed for dog’s breakfast of dog scrappage upgrade scheme

The Home Office has been slammed today for making a dog’s breakfast of its new dog scrappage and upgrade scheme.

”They’ve parked their tanks on DExEU’s lawn,” an insider from the prime minister’s office told LCD Views, “and rabid Raab is rabid about it.”

It seems the furore is over who gets to issue technical notices to the general public regarding personal preparations for a No Deal Brexit.

”Brexit is Raab’s baby, well, it has many fathers of course, but he reckons his seed got into the egg of fascism before anyone else’s and he wants to raise the bastard personally now he’s baffligly a minister of state.”

And it seems the Home Office scheme differs from Raab’s preferred one too.

”Under the scheme people are encouraged to trade in any small, useless dogs they own and purchase, at a subsidy, a German Shepherd. A much more useful dog in the event of looting, rioting and so on.”

Are the reservations regarding the time needed to raise and train the dog for life after a No Deal Brexit?

”No. Although now you’ve raised it that’s a pertinent point.”

What’s the issue?

”Isn’t it obvious?”

No. Please explain.

”It’s not very British! Is it! A German Shepherd? What’s wrong with a bull terrier or a British bulldog?”

Ah, yes, quite.

”Raab has gone long in dog farming and he’s piled all in on classic breeds of proper, potatriotic British fighting dogs. It never occurred to him to buy shares in German Shepherd puppy farms. He’s going to be well out of pocket now. It will not stand. We’re a democracy and he’s a Tory MP. If he can’t persinally profit from decisions regarding the running of the country, it begs the question why he entered parliament to begin with.”

It certainly does.

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Trump warns Montenegro to cancel plans for global domination

Serial real-estate bankrupt, and 45th president of the United States Donald Trump Thursday issued a stern warning to the tiny Balkan republic of Montenegro, to reel in its plans for total global domination.

“We’ve had all kinds of problems with uppity negrans in America, there was one family in my house – we’re still cleaning the mess they left –  peaced everywhere. The last thing we want is more negran problems in Europe,” he warned.

“This is what happens when you have uncontrolled immigration, millions of negrans migrate to Europe and start their own countries,” he said.

“How did they get away with that – no one really knows, it’s kind of a mystery..” he explained, pointing out that moving north out of Africa had brought out their natural aggression.

“Montenegro is a tiny country with very strong people … They’re very aggressive people. They may get aggressive, and congratulations, you’re in world war three,” he cautioned explaining that you can tell the difference between Mountienegrans and or’nry negrans by the wide brimmed pointed hats and red tunics they wear.

“Like Canadians in disguise… lucky we built a wall and stopped them from crossing the border,” he smirked explaining that he had instructed his sons Donald Junior, Eric, Barron and Adolf never to go there.

“Blame…Canada…Africa…Montenegro…they’re the axis of evil, or at least that’s what my good friend Vladimir tells me to say” he warned darkly, apparently unaware that Montenegro is in Europe, its 630,000 population mostly speak Serbo-Croat and their 2,000 strong military would have trouble invading a house party.

The Editor Comments – if you think this attempt at satire is absurd, chew on this: One of these “quotes” is genuine. Trump really did warn that Montenegro could start WW3.

And, of course, promised that non of his sons, who all suffer from hereditary bone spurs, would be fighting in it..

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Up Boriscope! Brexit edition: predictions for 2019

Cripes, the Telegraph’s bigwigs want more predictions from me. This time, none of that Sagittarius nonsense. Once we are free of the bullying EU, dictating our superstitions from Brussels, we can make our own British star signs. So here goes!

Cricket (any year England won the Ashes): Life is all Pimm’s and cucumber sandwiches without the crusts. You will thrive in 2019 because you are well-connected and wealthy. See you at Lord’s old boy.

Drizzle (summer holidays except 1976): You miserable shower, always being a wet blanket and damping down hopes. Brexit will rain on your parade.

Milkman (absent father): What a complete bastard. Your mother took delivery of the wrong sort of cream, and you too will always pop up in the wrong place.

Gooseberry Bush (virgin birth): Your mother claims never to have had (whisper it) ((S.E.X.)). As a result, your repressed passion and closeted homosexually will lead to you embracing fascism instead.

Stork (embarrassed parents): More accurately, stalk. More precisely, your father’s stalk. You are an utter knob and will champion the cause of some unworthy loser like Tommy Robinson.

Yuppie (1980s): Irresponsible free marketer now in seedy middle age. With all the depth of a dried-up puddle and your glory days long behind you, jump on the Brexit bandwagon and push.

Mockney (1990s): Posh twat pretending to be working class, you will revert to type and thank your lucky stars that Daddy is a billionaire.

Expert (2000-2005): In your teens, you know everything except why nobody understands you. Go and do your homework before all the schools are shut down.

Dying Light (born before the Queen came to the throne): Rage is all you have left, now you are sans teeth, sans hearing, et cetera. Avoid pineapple at all costs.

Boris (my birthday!!!!!!): You’re the best. You will be Prime Minister! Yay!

Gosh, that was fun! See you again when I need another Brexit Dividend!

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Parliamentary pairing scandal leads to identification of web government is caught within

LCD Views can report today that this week’s parliamentary pairing scandal has lead to an identification of the web the government is caught within.

”It’s great to finally have clarity,” Tory party chief whip Mr Dishonest told LCD Views, “hey! Do you think they can make me my own Mister Men book? A record of my challenge each day to not bullshit while smiling through my teeth and threatening backbench MPs with having their heads shoved inside Boris Johnson’s toilet?”

The scandal, which has succeeded in rocking a parliament already overflowing with scandals, came about after Conservative Party chairman Brandon Lewis and Chief Whip Mr Dishonest allegedly colluded to deceive Liberal Democrat Jo Swinson MP on the matter of pairing. This is where MPs votes are paired if one can’t be there to vote, to ensure the outcome of the vote is unaffected by an MP’s unavoidable absence.

”It’s great to trick a Libdem again,” Lewis chortled, “we played them like fiddles for five years in the parliament of 2010-2015. It was a laugh a minute. I mean, who trusts a Tory? Ha!”

The timing of the scandal is important too, as parliament is currently promoting women in parliament, to try and encourage more women to enter politics.

”We don’t want that really!” Lewis went on, “I’d like to thank Jo for giving me the opportunity to trick a new mother on maternity leave. Perfect bloody opportunity that was. Too good to miss.”

It’s also useful for showing everyone that just when you thought this current Conservative party of government had hit rock bottom when it comes to duplicity, they had further to go.

”We’re digging a basement under rock bottom,” Lewis said, “and we’re not done digging yet.”

Alrhough the scandal has called into question pairing for future votes, being that trust is key.

”Let’s hope the Lords react to this by turfing the affected legislation back to parliament and then we can pair off again! Don’t you love a functioning democracy!”

We used to…yes.

Hopefully next pairing will just be Tory with Tory so we can correctly label it a pair of cocks.

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Brexit voter says he always knew leaving EU meant stockpiling food, fuel and medicines

LCD Views has hit the streets today and found them to be hard and unforgiving under our fist, even the ones with potholes. That being a futile exercise we decided to locate and talk to a Brexit voter to see what they have to say about the news of “technical notices” in the pipeline for voters.

”I won’t read them,” Mr K Ipper told us directly, “what’s the point?”

Apparently the point is to prepare you for the looming no deal Brexit scenario.

”I don’t need to prepare to get my country back.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile food.

”That’s project fear.”

You’re going to be advised to stockpile candles.

”So? The lights went out all the time when I was young and it did no harm. It’ll force people to play board games again. Bring back a sense of community that’s been ripped from our homes by the unelected, undemocratic superstate EU.”

Stockpiling medicines you need and fuel?

”You ought to have a little faith in Britain and Brexit.”

Faith won’t cut through the mountain of treaties, legal obligations and so forth no deal Brexit is going to smash, thus rendering the U.K. at the stroke of a big hand on Big Ben isolated and underfed.

”Look you remoaniac, I always knew that when I voted Leave I was voting to stockpile long life food, medicines that control my otherwise life threatening medical condition and heating fuel. But it’s a price worth paying. You want to get behind Brexit and push.”

We went back to hitting the road. That activity, combined with slamming our head repeatedly into a brick wall, suddenly seeming less futile than talking to Mr K Ipper.

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Alien visiting USA says he misspoke and meant to say “Do not take me to your leader” after meeting Trump

LCD Views has heard exclusively from an alien, visiting the United States from a distant galaxy, today who wishes to explain to everyone,

”When I said take me to your leader, what I actually meant to say was DO NOT, under no circumstances, take me to meet that lying, treasonous, Cheeto faced shitgibbon.”

It seems the alien, who gives his name as E.T., decided to revisit the Earth to discuss a sequel to a famous documentary he filmed on Earth nearly forty years ago.

”I didn’t think the documentary showed aliens in an accurate light,” E.T. explains,

“all the time I spent discussing how the greys are secretly on Earth, and have been for a very long time, solely to conduct internal examinations of white men who live in rural areas of the USA, all that was completely cut out,

”I was pretty unimpressed when the television signals finally reached my home planet and I got a look at the movie. I decided I had to return and demand the full story gets told.”

And it seems E.T. assumed that the film maker in question would be running the States by now and so landed on the White House lawn.

”I don’t know if you’ve seen the tape of me stepping out of the spaceship this morning and saying take me to your leader?”

We have.

”Yeah, that was when I misspoke. I mean we’ve got some crazy looking critters out in deep space. Also some downright deranged life forms roaming about. But nothing compares to whatever that insane orange mass is that’s currently pretending to be human in the Oval Office.”

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Daily Telegraph’s new celebrity column entitled Boriscopes

The new quality offering from Boris Johnson will be supplemented by contributions from the mysterious Mystic Mogg.

LCD Views has received a draft copy, which we publish in full:

Well hello and confimbulations to my old chums at the Telegraph. I’m starting the Boriscopes with Cancer because reasons. Once more unto the breach…

Cancer: Crabby, moves sideways and lives under a stone. Cancers are bloody difficult women and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Angela Merkel and Arlene Foster are typical of the breed. You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger and tell him to *#@% off.

Leo: Does nothing for ages then suddenly pounces on the undeserving. Leos lie in the Sun, The Mail and the Express. Big pussycats include Barack Obama and Robert Mueller. You will discover a whole load of so-called truths and shout about them on social media.

Virgo: Upright, uptight and never caught with their pants down. Virgos relieve their pent-up passions by shafting their friends and international trade, like Michael Gove and Liam Fox do. Today is a good day to keep your head down, which is a nice way to remain pristine.

Libra: Chip on both shoulders, and holds the balance of power. Strong, stable and thoroughly decent, like Theresa May and Vladimir Putin. One of you will lose a penny and find a pound, the other will do the opposite.

Scorpio: Hidden depths, sting in the tail – or just overrated arachnids? Hillary Clinton and Jeremy C. Hunt are Scorpios, so you decide. Find a hole to hide in.

Sagittarius: Mythical creature firing mythical arrows, like Jean-Claude Juncker and Anna Soubry. Nothing to see here. Enjoy the unicorns.

Capricorn: Fights like a goat, looks like a goat, brains of a goat. Michel Barnier and David Davis are perfect examples of the breed. Quit while you are behind.

Aquarius: Aquarians have an air of competence and modernity, like Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle. Seriously folks, if your birthday is in February, avoid politics. Leave it to the experts!! Enjoy your extra day every four years.

Pisces: Slippery, fishy, goggle-eyed. Think Recep Erdogan and Dominic Raab. Bollocks, February again. Yeah, bored now, so see Aquarius.

Aries: Sheepish fools, like Chris Grayling and Nigel Farage. They like to say ‘slam in the lamb’. Mint sauce is your mortal enemy.

Taurus: Bullies in a china shop. Just ask Justine Greening or Tony Blair. Can easily be brought down by a red rag, like the Mirror. Don’t have a cow, man.

Gemini: Saving the best ‘til last!!! The reputation for being two-faced, weak and unreliable could not be more wrong. I offer as evidence Mystic Mogg, Donald Trump, Jeremy Corbyn and of course yours truly. Have a good day!

See what I did there? I offer you my most explicitious feliciporations.