The new quality offering from Boris Johnson will be supplemented by contributions from the mysterious Mystic Mogg.
LCD Views has received a draft copy, which we publish in full:
Well hello and confimbulations to my old chums at the Telegraph. I’m starting the Boriscopes with Cancer because reasons. Once more unto the breach…
Cancer: Crabby, moves sideways and lives under a stone. Cancers are bloody difficult women and don’t say I didn’t warn you. Angela Merkel and Arlene Foster are typical of the breed. You will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger and tell him to *#@% off.
Leo: Does nothing for ages then suddenly pounces on the undeserving. Leos lie in the Sun, The Mail and the Express. Big pussycats include Barack Obama and Robert Mueller. You will discover a whole load of so-called truths and shout about them on social media.
Virgo: Upright, uptight and never caught with their pants down. Virgos relieve their pent-up passions by shafting their friends and international trade, like Michael Gove and Liam Fox do. Today is a good day to keep your head down, which is a nice way to remain pristine.
Libra: Chip on both shoulders, and holds the balance of power. Strong, stable and thoroughly decent, like Theresa May and Vladimir Putin. One of you will lose a penny and find a pound, the other will do the opposite.
Scorpio: Hidden depths, sting in the tail – or just overrated arachnids? Hillary Clinton and Jeremy C. Hunt are Scorpios, so you decide. Find a hole to hide in.
Sagittarius: Mythical creature firing mythical arrows, like Jean-Claude Juncker and Anna Soubry. Nothing to see here. Enjoy the unicorns.
Capricorn: Fights like a goat, looks like a goat, brains of a goat. Michel Barnier and David Davis are perfect examples of the breed. Quit while you are behind.
Aquarius: Aquarians have an air of competence and modernity, like Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle. Seriously folks, if your birthday is in February, avoid politics. Leave it to the experts!! Enjoy your extra day every four years.
Pisces: Slippery, fishy, goggle-eyed. Think Recep Erdogan and Dominic Raab. Bollocks, February again. Yeah, bored now, so see Aquarius.
Aries: Sheepish fools, like Chris Grayling and Nigel Farage. They like to say ‘slam in the lamb’. Mint sauce is your mortal enemy.
Taurus: Bullies in a china shop. Just ask Justine Greening or Tony Blair. Can easily be brought down by a red rag, like the Mirror. Don’t have a cow, man.
Gemini: Saving the best ‘til last!!! The reputation for being two-faced, weak and unreliable could not be more wrong. I offer as evidence Mystic Mogg, Donald Trump, Jeremy Corbyn and of course yours truly. Have a good day!
See what I did there? I offer you my most explicitious feliciporations.