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People who have plans involving food for 2019 advised to change them

People who have plans involving food for 2019 are being advised to change them after recent government victories in the House of Commons.

”There’s no rush,” Doctor Starve, a senior fellow at the University of Paying Attention, told LCD Views.

We spoke to the Doctor while enjoying a smashed avocado breakfast served on sourdough bread baked early this morning, topped with triple poached eggs, slathered in bearnaise sauce and accompanied by a side of pulled grapefruit.

”People should not panic,” Starve went on, “unless they were planning traditional celebrations in 2019 such as birthday or dinner parties. Picnics. Oh, and breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

The Doctor went on to say that it’s advisable to start your panic buying early in 2019.

”Beat the rush,” he advises, “order your storage containers now but wait until late February to start stockpiling pasta, tinned meats and fruits. Oh and get a Parmesan wheel.”

Why a Parmesan wheel?

”If there are widespread fires following on fast, as the ration queues disintegrate into rioting and looting, and you feel the need to flee your home and take sanctuary with a distant relative in a sheltered rural area, you can bury the cheese.”

Ah, just like Pepys?

”Yes.”

But why issue the advice at all?

”The ERG now run the United Kingdom,” Doctor Starve shrugged, “zealots with religious fervour for Brexit who will see anything short of hard Brexit as failure of purity? Do you think they’re going to give a damn if you go hungry?”

They probably think it will build up people’s moral fibre, or some such lunacy.

”Quite. Oh, and they’ve all got second homes in the EU. So why you’re at home scrabbling with a ten year old over a bit of cat they’ll be merrily asset stripping the U.K. from a chateaux across the channel.”

But surely this is all a bit extreme? The government and official opposition could not be so incompetent as to actually allow the United Kingdom to crash out of the EU and disrupt our food supplies so seriously?

”I can tell you haven’t done a PHD in paying attention,” the Doctor smirked, “but then experts, who needs them? Shall we order more grapefruit?”

No. I’ve lost my appetite.

”Now that’s a phrase you won’t hear after we crash out of the EU next year.”

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Will of the people found floating face down in the Thames by Palace of Westminster

LCD Views reports today with a complete absence of shock that the celebrated British patriot, Will of the people, has been found floating face down in the Thames by the Palace of Westminster, central London.

”Shortly before 6am this morning concerned and sharp eyed members of the public alerted the emergency services,” a Met spokesman told us on the record, and later on CD and cassette, blue-ray and MP3, “after sighting a bloated, corrupt, shimmering shape floating in the River Thames, near to the houses of parliament.”

While initially there was little concern, as many similar shapes have been witnessed floating past Westminster for several years now, it was soon apparent all was not well.

”We are accustomed to fishing out fudgebergs from the Thames,” the spokesman continued,

“and it is accurate that our water born services were slower than usual to respond, thinking the object was likely a Downing Street press release regarding the so called Chequers agreement,

“Or a Labour six point test bubble of extreme cynicism treating the electorate en masse as idiots, or even, Farron and Cable attempting to explain while they decided to go to the pub early rather than vote against the government last night.”

But it was none of these things?

“However as a search and rescue vessel drew slowly alongside the object it was revealed to be noted con man, and powerful political magician, Will of the people.”

Are the police treating the death as suspicious?

”Numerous serving, and recently ex cabinet ministers, have issued statements already claiming the death was clearly suicide,” the spokesman said,

“but it is very likely murder most foul and we urge everyone to lobby the living hell out of their MP to force the authorities to declare the ill gotten gains of the culprits void and to drag said culprits before any relevant court of law.”

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Trump presidency exposed as Sacha Baron Cohen stunt

The election in November 2016 of four times bankrupt real estate tycoon Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States has been exposed as little more than a clever TV stunt by controversial English comedian Sacha Baron Cohen.

Confronted outside the White House yesterday, out of costume and out of character, Cohen was quick to accept that the game was up.

“You got me, I is been exposed, I is not really da president,” he conceded, lapsing nervously into the pseudo Jamaican patois of his earlier creation Ali G.

Pressed on how he was able to perpetrate such a stunt, sailing through the Republican primaries without even his closest advisers realising he wasn’t really Trump, and was in fact a nice Cambridge educated Jewish boy from north London, Cohen was more expansive, albeit simultaneously lapsing into the pseudo Kazakh manglish perpetrated by his faux Kazakh Lothario character, Borat Sagdiyev.

“You think me president more ridiculous than failed builder with orange face and bad wig and wife look like number four prostitute in Kazakhstan? Was easy, piece of peasy,” he laughed.

“Mind you daughter, she more like number two..Mmmmmm good sexy time…” he added, explaining,  sotto voce and for once out of character, that spoofing the Republican Party and most of the US population had actually been embarrassingly easy.

“Vats up…it vos like the more ridiculous I made the character, the more they luffed him – I almost expected to find der whole country masturbating over me,” he minced Germanically, adopting the outrageously camp persona of his Austrian fashionista Bruno.

“Even Sarah Palin…. and zats no larzzing matter,” he winced.

Reverting again to his normal speech Cohen explained that adopting the persona of a deranged orange faced narcissist and playing the role all the way to the White House and through 18 months of cast changes and monumental screw ups had not been easy.

“Imagine if America really was a dictatorship, with rigged elections, where 1% of the of the people have all the nation’s wealth, where I cut taxes to make all my friends richer, ignored the needs of the poor for health care and education and got to torture all the foreign prisoners and migrants…” he spat, morphing seamlessly into the pseudo Middle eastern vernacular of bearded potentate Admiral General Aladeen.

” You could use the media to scare the people into supporting policies that are against their interests, and no one would complain, especially not Sloppy Steve Bannon,” he roared.

“Let’s face it, the surprise is not that no one noticed before, it’s that anyone has noticed at all….other than Vladimir Putin that is …” he winked.

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ERG confirm group calendar for 2019 correctly printed to reflect U.K. going back in time

A spokestrooper for the influential parliamentary group the ERG has confirmed the group’s special calendar for 2019 has been correctly printed to reflect U.K. going back in time.

”1939 is where we want Britain in 2019,” Lodaf Thiler 2nd told LCD Views, “with the exciting possibilities of a no deal Brexit within grasp we felt it time to stamp a boot down to signify where the country is headed with our strangulation of the executive. And we all know what happened in 1939. A fantastic year for nationalism in Europe. We aim to emulate that so closely you’d think you were in a time machine.”

Aside from the revealing date, other features inside the calendar give subjects of Britannia a heads up on where they are taking us.

”Inspirational figures from the first half of twentieth century history have their birthdays celebrated,” Thiler trills, “Mussolini, Hitler, Moseley and so on. Oh and Spode. Oh and Stalin as a nod to one of our key overseas supporters.”

Also in the calendar will be strong dates that the ERG have identified through occult means as the best for copulation and conceiving a proper patriot child.

”Don’t waste the seed of the master race,” Thiler warns, “we need to breed, breed and breed to ensure the future population of the United Kingdom is the right one. Then we need to get most of them sacrificed for the glory of all. Certain groups will be sterilised to ensure the gene pool is pure though. As gene pools of superior populations have remained down through the millennia.”

Copies of the calendar will be made available and at a knock down price.

”Each day of 1939 is going to cost the public purse a pretty penny in lost tax revenue. To make up for this we’re going to forcibly seize the assets of families whose knees aren’t proper British knees and use those funds to give the calendars out for free to everyone.”

Any other advice?

”Yes. More to do with knees. Get on them and practise staying on them. It’s where the ERG fathers of the UK’s future want all of you, each and everyone.”

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DExEU renamed Ministry for Resignations

A number of high profile resignations have given rise to the change. After David Davis and a large number of his underlings resigned, odds have shortened on their successors lasting the week.

Unconfirmed rumours have it that the Department has installed a revolving door to facilitate the frequent changes.

It all adds up to a department failing to do its job. It is far too busy exiting the government to get on with exiting the EU.

An unexpected Brexit dividend has been revealed. The revolving door has been hooked up to a generator, so the Department now runs on green electricity.

An insider’s view was provided by longstanding DExEU staff member Shakey Tallabout.

“I’ve been here for over a month now,” said Shakey. “So many people have come and gone in my time. Good people. I run the ‘who’s next?’ sweepstake. The last six winners have left before they could collect their prize!”

Every day is a rollover week here, he continues, adding that employees are expected to roll over too.

“So we have officially been redesignated as the Ministry for Resignations,” Shakey explained. “The chap in charge of getting new stationery printed started this morning, and has already resigned over the inherent contradictions. ‘Resigning is what we do best,’ read his letter to Theresa May.”

The once coveted Employee of the Year award has been downgraded, says Shakey. “It became employee of the month, then employee of the week, the day, the hour and finally employee of the minute. Most awards are made retrospectively.”

Many believe that the Department is as redundant as its employees. A common cry is, just get on with it and leave. Leave means leave. So do it. Simple. It should only take five minutes. Ignore the bullying EU and the traitorous remainers. Cut and run. Freedom from rules, from red tape, from global influence and respect.

You voted for it. Unless you didn’t, in which case you don’t count. It’s the Will of the Putin… I mean, the People.

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Plastic patriot key rings sell out on day one just like the men they’re modelled on

The now world famous Brexit Industries are thrilled to inform the great British public that their new novelty line, ‘Plastic Patriot’ key rings have sold out on day one, just like the men they’re modelled on.

”It must be the accuracy with which our design team in Moscow captured the facial expressions and avarice, greed, bigotry and insecurity of the men we took our inspiration from,” lead designer, Mr Knott Astooge, told our nativist toy correspondent.

The key rings are designed eventually to hold the great offices of state, but like all crazes they start with luring you in with collectibles to get a taste for it.

”We’ve cross pollinated the key rings with charm bracelets so people can benchmark their progress as they collect the full set and completely sell out,” Knott explained.

”You start with classic symbols and tropes from fascism in the first half of the twentieth century, build up to numerous offshore tax avoiding holdings, and after that level you’re really away to being a fully fledged plastic patriot, as you have serious personal losses to worry about should anyone attempt to enfranchise the plebs and make things fairer.”

Brexit Industries says they intend to continue their successful strategy of automated social media marketing to promote their product.

”Right now we’ve commissioned the cloning of thousands of middle aged British profiles to deploy as brand ambassadors. And more than a few hot, tattooed, bikini wearing girls in their twenties.”

You can begin collecting today but Astooge has some useful advice for the beginner.

”You really need to be a deeply unpleasant human being, devoid of empathy and most importantly, if possible begin all your statements of opinion with the classic signifier ‘Now I’m not a racist, but.”

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Special episode of I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue aired featuring guest panellist Theresa May

A special episode of classic radio comedy panel game “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue” was aired last night, featuring a very unusual guest performer – Theresa May.

The Prime Minister (or possibly ex-Prime Minister, if you’re listening to the Sunday repeat) appeared alongside regular panellist Tim Brooke-Taylor, opposite Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden, with Jack Dee in the chair.

Things got off to a shaky start when Mrs May began by doing the welcome announcement, and Jack Dee had to cut her off.

It turned out that she hadn’t read the details of the booking, and believed herself to be the chair, in what has to be the funniest conceptual misunderstanding by a guest on a comedy panel game since Stan Boardman appeared on “Act Your Age” a decade previously.

Jack Dee then did his opening preamble with the usual jokes about the location they were recording from, and then introduced the teams, adding, “Theresa was originally scheduled to appear on Just A Minute, until it was explained that to do well at that game you have to talk without hesitation, deviation or repetition. So she ended up on this show instead. Oh well, their gain is our loss.”

In the first round, Uxbridge English Dictionary, which brings funny new definitions to existing words (such as Stephen Fry’s memorable one, “countryside – to kill Piers Morgan”), she started off proceedings by saying “Brexit – Brexit” – which was met with a stony silence. It was only when Tim Brooke-Taylor jumped in and said, “Omnishambles – Brexit” that the audience started laughing.

In the round called One Song To The Tune Of Another, Jack explained the simple concept with the usual complex analogy, but it was Mrs May who stared at him blankly and kept asking him to explain in more detail, until eventually Jack suggested she listen to the other panellists doing it.

At this point Mrs May asked what he meant by her listening to other people.

In the end, after hearing Barry Cryer singing the word of the theme from Cheers to the tune of House Of The Rising Sun, Graeme Garden singing YMCA to the tune of Batman, and Tim-Brooke Taylor singing the words of Hanky-Panky to the tune of Jerusalem, she eventually sang There’ll Always Be An England to the tune of There’ll Always Be An England, and was disqualified.

The next round, Sound Charades, caused yet more problems when she thought they were playing actual silent charades, and so was miming on the radio.

Tim ended up doing a running commentary of her gestures as Barry and Graeme struggled to guess. In the end they couldn’t identify Great Expectations, which she mimed by just looking smug.

She completely failed to guess the other team’s easy spoken charade of Home Alone, where using their Hamish & Dougal personas, Barry and Graeme talked about “child gangster Bugsy has changed his first name to a piece of gardening equipment”. Fortunately Tim got it in time.

In the round called Mornington Crescent, where players basically do moves between various locations in London, they took advantage of the EU Health & Safety protocols to play the Brussels-approved version.

Mrs May stuck to saying 10 Downing Street, Westminster and Chequers, and incurred several penalties for employing the wrong diagonal as per the EU protocols. Mrs May protested that they don’t need any health & safety protocols from the EU, but that didn’t stop her losing the game as Graeme Garden triumphantly called out “Mornington Crescent” after her final call of Downing Street.

Then came word for word, in which teams exchanged words with no connection. Tim and Theresa actually did well on this one, mainly thanks to Tim’s countering Theresa’s offerings of “strong” with “stable” and “honest” with “conservative”. At no point could Barry or Graeme make any claim of connection between any two adjacent words, so Tim and Theresa took the whole round.

The show typically ends with a round of themed song, book or film titles, and this week they did “Naughty Songbook”. Mrs May’s only offerings was “Fields Of Wheat”, and she looked completely blank when Barry asked her, if that was by Rees Moggy Mogg.

And that was it. As Jack said the farewells, he added a special apology:

“To everyone in the audience here and all those listening at home, we’re sorry, she hasn’t a clue.”

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May unconcerned about daily ministerial resignations as she wants to govern alone

Theresa May made an unexpected intervention into the ‘Today’ programme on BBC radio 4 this morning when she phoned up to interrupt the Justine Greening interview.

”Considering May’s job title we had to put her through and make the conflab a three way,” a radio producer told LCD Views, “it made for some variety anyway. Listening to Justine attempt to discover intelligent life on the dark moon Humphrys is a bit of a yawn.”

Once forcibly inserted into the live broadcast, Theresa May set about setting the record straight, as it pertains to her personal feelings on the last week of government.

”John you do backing vocals now while Justine and I talk,” Ms May ordered.

John Humphrys duly settled in to hum the “will of the people” as a fitting backdrop to the continuing discussion.

”Justine you were one of the first to resign from our government,” May stated, “did I look boovered?”

Ms Greening duly confirmed that “you looked like the same constipated, terror struck loser you always look like.”

This led to a lengthy pause, as it was disrespectful not only to the office of prime minister, but the individual.

”Hum hostile environment John,” Ms Greening said next, just in case anyone was thinking of pitying Ms May and/or taking her side.

”I’ll have your job,” Ms Greening followed up in what felt like a one two.

”And did I look boovered when Damien Green resigned? Or Priti Patel?”

Ms May carried on, listing the resignations, keeping firmly in her predetermined mental construct, unaffected by external stimulus.

”I am not boovered by the daily ministerial resignations as I want to govern alone,” the prime minister finished, although the others had already left the room, “all by myself. Just how I like it. Who’s the boss now? Let’s sign something mean into law.”

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Satan confirms : “Arron Banks, IS my son”

After months of speculation following repeated denials by both parties, His Satanic Majesty, Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness –  better known to all as Satan, has confirmed that self styled “Brexit bad boy”, Arron Banks, IS his son.

“He’s being ridiculed as “the spawn of Satan” anyway, so I decided it was time to come clean. Which is more than I did with his mother,” admitted the Prince of Darkness speaking to reporters outside his west London home.

Admitting that he could remember little of the night in question, Beelzebub explained;

“It was one of those 60s love-ins in Ladbroke grove. Frankly I was off my tits , putting it in anything that moved – and quite a few that were past moving..” he smirked adding that the DNA test was conclusive so there was no point denying paternity.

However he explained that while he may be Banks’ father, that doesn’t mean Arron necessarily takes after him.

“His mother named him Arron, after “Aaron’s rod” – but it’s not just the spelling she got wrong,” explained “The Man with the horn and the tail”, pointing out that in “the old man department”, Aaron’s old man isn’t in the same league as his old man’s..

“It’s not just Trump that has tiny hands . And just look at him. If I had a face like Arron I’d transplant my own soul into a dog and teach it to walk backwards,” grimaced Old Nick.

“And as for that Brexit thing…” he whistled turning his eyes upwards to the to the heavens before realising his mistake and, more red faced than usual, turning them downwards again.

“If I’d wanted to disembowel the UK economy and roast it over the fiery pits of hell, I’d have continued the Blitz in 1940 and sent in the storm-troopers,” explained the evil one, adding that Banks links to Russia are another thing he has troubled getting his horned head around.

Pointing to the continuing revelations that Banks had conspired with Moscow to fiddle the Brexit referendum, Mephistopheles, explained that:

“Who in their right mind would want to cuddle up to that,” he shuddered adding that being the antichrist, the angel of darkness etc, is not as easy as it used to be.

” I mean, Putin – he’s the epitome of pure evil. I know when I’m beat…do you think there’s a market for nine circles of hell …Complete with planning permission, and no heating bills to pay ?” he asked.

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Sext pest Con MP returns traditional values to Tory party

The devils and the demons, the high priests of gammon and morality, are breathing more lightly at ConHQ today. The easy inhalations came with revelations in the Sunday papers that small business minister Andrew Griffiths has resigned from government after being found out bombarding two women with texts of a sexual nature.

”It was a terrible oversight on Andrew’s part,” an aide for the shamed MP told LCD Views, “not to have thought to marry either woman before bombarding them with demands they dress like pigs and let him go all deliverance on them.”

The MP for Sexting, known as a man of strong family values who voted against equal marriage on the grounds it was against his values, has now quit the stage with the crystal clear transparency of what those values are.

”It’s okay to be a bigot, but you can’t sext waitresses apparently,” the aide said, “this doesn’t seem very fair. They possess phones, clearly that means they want the attention of a powerful man. It’s quite the aphrodisiac to have a minister for small business demanding the opportunity to denigrate you.”

But while the sorry saga maybe a personal setback for Griffiths, it’s a new dawn for a party plagued by false dawns presently.

”At least no Russians are involved!” a media management robot for ConHQ said, “we’ll not yet. This is a classic Conservative scandal, proper old school Tory, it will reassure a country in which many people are wondering daily what the hell happened to us.”

A return to normality to be welcomed, unlike thousands of sexual text messages bombarding your phone at OCD level from a minister of state.