LCD Views

A famously orange man famous for golfing more than working, but who often scores a hole in one for fascism when he does work, has decided to take the last shreds of a woman’s self respect as his souvenir from a U.K. golfing holiday.

”I wanted a baby,” the man told a packed press conference, “a beautiful baby. A big baby. The biggest baby I could find. They have very fat babies here in England land. Not many people know that. But they do. Let me tell you. Great big, fat babies. And they’re orange. And they fly. Who knew? I knew. You didn’t know that. Beautiful flying babies. You can put them in a cage so they can’t float away.”

But inability to capture a fat, flying English baby has led to a change in direction, moments later.

”I never said I wanted a baby? That’s fake news. That’s the lying, scum mainstream media lying to you. They lie to you. They really do. Day in and day out. They have me on television. I am the highest rating, sitting, hardly ever standing, US president on English television, and Scottish television, Scottish television too. I have the best ratings here since George Washington. Not many people know that.”

But what are you choosing as a souvenir if you can’t have a baby to put in a cage?

”Oh, that’s easy. Easiest decision in the world. I am taking the last shreds of Theresa May’s credibility, self respect and joy at being alive home with me. It’s already in the bag. It’s a tiny bag. Just the smallest. Like one of those bags poor people, who, let me tell you, are only poor because they’re lazy, too lazy to work folks. Unlike me. I’m a self made man. Small bag. Small, small bag.”

We asked the woman for comment on this but all she would say was,

”Under his eye.”

Then she cast her eyes to the ground and drifted away.

“Those traitorous remoaners have stitched us up!” shouted masses of gammon and key politicians who prey on their salty credulousness, as details of plans for Northern Ireland’s life outside of the EU were revealed.

”The bloody fact, bloody fancy, bloody avocado eating, bloody ooo I’m so clever metropolitan disconnected out of touch snob remainers were supposed to warn everyone what was coming down the line if we chose to tie ourselves to the tracks of Brexit,” Frank Bloody Field MP told LCD Views, “and did they? Did they bloody hell!”

At this point Frank had to sit down and imagine a restorative vision of a revolution, after millions of bloody middle class people were finally eating out of bins and the common man realised the racism fuelled bollocks of Brexit. And their political betters, while still their comrades, lived in the mansions nationalised after the fall of all that evil capitalism.

”No one told us we were going to be stockpiling bloody tinned food because no one bothered to work out how our food supply chain works. Whose bloody job is that? Some lazy fancy pants with two tone shoes made of supple Italian leather soaked in the sweat of children. I bloody reckon! Who’s job…”

Frank settled again. Restoring himself this time with the image of smashing open the temple of Mammon in London and using the recovered toil of the masses to buy Russian made tractors and feed a starving mass.

”And Northern Ireland to be powered by floating flipping batteries in the Irish Sea? This is Global Britain? The Tories are turning us into Venezuela, with my and certain other Labour colleagues help.”

Frank breathed in. Breathed out. Imagined Marx and Lenin and Castro holding a cake sale, before finally,

”Project Fear was Project Understatement, I tell you, and I am pointing the finger squarely at the bloody remainers for not being as hysterical as us red kippers. We know who to blame. We’re taking names.”

There. That’s reassuring then. Look to the future and watch the batteries bob in a gale in the Irish Sea as the lights of Northern Ireland go off and on, off and on, to the rhythm of the sea.

“No one has anything to fear,” Dominic Raab MP, newly scraped off the bottom of the Tory barrel, told a packed press conference in Whitehall today, “my department is moving swiftly to ensure red meat is thrown to all patriotic subjects of HMG post Brexit.”

It was welcome news.

And a firm retort to the week’s scandalous headlines fear mongering over food shortages from Spring 2019, when we all pull together to make kleptomaniacs and their hedge fund stooges even richer.

“Anyone who has ever driven around the countryside in the United Kingdom will know it is just heaving with fresh red meat,” Mr Raab went on, “and not just the cattle, ponies and sheep. The recent fad for safari parks means that even exotic tastes will continue to be sated as we make a success of Brexit. We have a bounty in the countryside and those unelected eurocrats can’t stop us dining. Taste the sovereignty!”

This is wonderful. A far cry from the days when that ageing SAS wannabe Davis held sway as Secretary of State for Complete and Total Insanity, or DExEU, as it’s more commonly called.

“Working hand in hand with the country’s safari parks will ensure that not many people have to subsist on dog food or grass. A small price to pay for once again being outside of the tyrannical grasp of the undemocratic European Union. Making our own laws for the first time in decades and making them exactly mirror EU laws so we can trade with the world’s biggest trading bloc. But being competitive by having every working man, woman and child free of regulations and on below subsistence wages.”

Ooo that’s lip smacking. It’s believed plans for how to deliver the lions, tigers, antelopes, elephants and other animals to the country’s dinner tables are not yet finalised, but soon will be. Just a matter of designing the “Taste Your Sovereignty” logo.

“Also, my department will be updating the Brexit Cookbook immediately so you know the best way to prepare that shank of big cat. Other measures will be edible Saint George flags. Commemorative Brexit dinner plates made of chewable ceramics and how to force your children to forage. I will repeat now, no one has anything to fear if they are willing to work.”

But what about the concerns over the lights going out? The potential for Brexit to shove the UK out of the European energy markets?

“The hot heat of faith and certainty of a price worth paying will keep everyone warm,” Mr Raab reassured, “never fear. In Brexit Britain the lights may go out, for a time, as we adjust to our new realities, but with the enforced adoption of patriotic blue British passports, the lights maybe out, but everyone will still be at home.”