A famously orange man famous for golfing more than working, but who often scores a hole in one for fascism when he does work, has decided to take the last shreds of a woman’s self respect as his souvenir from a U.K. golfing holiday.
”I wanted a baby,” the man told a packed press conference, “a beautiful baby. A big baby. The biggest baby I could find. They have very fat babies here in England land. Not many people know that. But they do. Let me tell you. Great big, fat babies. And they’re orange. And they fly. Who knew? I knew. You didn’t know that. Beautiful flying babies. You can put them in a cage so they can’t float away.”
But inability to capture a fat, flying English baby has led to a change in direction, moments later.
”I never said I wanted a baby? That’s fake news. That’s the lying, scum mainstream media lying to you. They lie to you. They really do. Day in and day out. They have me on television. I am the highest rating, sitting, hardly ever standing, US president on English television, and Scottish television, Scottish television too. I have the best ratings here since George Washington. Not many people know that.”
But what are you choosing as a souvenir if you can’t have a baby to put in a cage?
”Oh, that’s easy. Easiest decision in the world. I am taking the last shreds of Theresa May’s credibility, self respect and joy at being alive home with me. It’s already in the bag. It’s a tiny bag. Just the smallest. Like one of those bags poor people, who, let me tell you, are only poor because they’re lazy, too lazy to work folks. Unlike me. I’m a self made man. Small bag. Small, small bag.”
We asked the woman for comment on this but all she would say was,
”Under his eye.”
Then she cast her eyes to the ground and drifted away.