LCD Views can report today that this week’s parliamentary pairing scandal has lead to an identification of the web the government is caught within.
”It’s great to finally have clarity,” Tory party chief whip Mr Dishonest told LCD Views, “hey! Do you think they can make me my own Mister Men book? A record of my challenge each day to not bullshit while smiling through my teeth and threatening backbench MPs with having their heads shoved inside Boris Johnson’s toilet?”
The scandal, which has succeeded in rocking a parliament already overflowing with scandals, came about after Conservative Party chairman Brandon Lewis and Chief Whip Mr Dishonest allegedly colluded to deceive Liberal Democrat Jo Swinson MP on the matter of pairing. This is where MPs votes are paired if one can’t be there to vote, to ensure the outcome of the vote is unaffected by an MP’s unavoidable absence.
”It’s great to trick a Libdem again,” Lewis chortled, “we played them like fiddles for five years in the parliament of 2010-2015. It was a laugh a minute. I mean, who trusts a Tory? Ha!”
The timing of the scandal is important too, as parliament is currently promoting women in parliament, to try and encourage more women to enter politics.
”We don’t want that really!” Lewis went on, “I’d like to thank Jo for giving me the opportunity to trick a new mother on maternity leave. Perfect bloody opportunity that was. Too good to miss.”
It’s also useful for showing everyone that just when you thought this current Conservative party of government had hit rock bottom when it comes to duplicity, they had further to go.
”We’re digging a basement under rock bottom,” Lewis said, “and we’re not done digging yet.”
Alrhough the scandal has called into question pairing for future votes, being that trust is key.
”Let’s hope the Lords react to this by turfing the affected legislation back to parliament and then we can pair off again! Don’t you love a functioning democracy!”
We used to…yes.
Hopefully next pairing will just be Tory with Tory so we can correctly label it a pair of cocks.