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BREAKING : UK to return to “barter based economy” by end of next Thursday

MONEY MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND : THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER IS BELIEVED TO BE BEHIND a new plan to end the constant sense of dread and anxiety which is “dampening” down the UK’s economic recovery.

Convincing sufficient numbers of people to pretend the pandemic has ended was a key initial step in the recovery. Operation “I’m alright Jack” has seen many return to living as normal in the hope it’ll just be people they don’t know who die prematurely. Unfortunately the impact of Brexit is causing completely unforeseen problems.

“Rishi has decided it’s time to completely re-engineer the economy,” a source close to the Chancellor says. “It was a bit of a surprise what happens when you take a deeply internationally interconnected industrially developed country and rip it out of reality. No one at all could have seen what Brexit would unleash. It’s all coming totally out of left field to the genius inheritance millionaires sensibly given command of the country.”

But that won’t stop them meeting the challenges they’ve created for all of us headfirst.

“Barter is the way forward. Just for the plebs you understand. Really. Anyone who doesn’t have offshore accounts will qualify for a new Good Egg scheme. Under the scheme people will be given an egg and instructed to go and trade it for another food commodity with a neighbour.”

It is felt returning the peasants to a subsistence lifestyle based on bartering will end concerns over fuel and sufficient numbers of workers for all sectors of the economy.

“So long as international businessman continue to invest money into London and buy property here no one has any concerns about the Conservatives’ economic policies. If you’re lucky you might be able to swap the egg for some flour and then you can combine forces to make a pancake. Which will be lovely.”

After the first egg has been successfully bartered the scheme will end but the need to barter to survive will remain.

*eggs to be made of non-biodegradable plastic and supplied by a Tory donor.

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BREAKING : PM confident messing up his hair will solve fuel crisis

A STITCH IN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to solve the fuel crisis afflicting Britain by employing one of his standard tactics.

It’s believed the plan involves messing up his hair and standing outside 10 Downing Street pretending he’s just walked Dylin.

“He regrets getting that hair cut,” a source inside 10 Downing Street tells LCD Views. “He could do with being able to produce a mess as big as the country at the moment. No one will think he’s capable of overseeing such a rapid deterioration in the UK’s standard of living so far if he’s got messy hair. I mean, he’s so harmless!

Other techniques will also be tried to stop the panic buying, which bafflingly to all seems to represent a loss of public trust in Boris Johnson’s government.

“He’s going to promise that everything will be better tomorrow, we just have to believe,” the source explains. “It’s classic Johnson. It’s always a lovely day tomorrow while today is always provably worse than yesterday. Tomorrow never comes, if you like. It works wonders.”

Government insiders are keen for the PM to “get a grip” on the senses of panic in the United Kingdom and “choose a fall guy” for the current calamity amongst ministers.

“We do need to get the fuel panic out of the way fast,” the source admits. “God only knows what problem Brexit will cause next week and there’s only so many times he can muss up his blonde locks before he needs a stiff drink and a good long rest.”

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Downing Street to read ERG research papers into Brexit to solve Brexit crises

WE HAVE OUR BEST PEOPLE WORKING ON IT : 10 Downing Street has announced an extensive review of the “monumental” body of research compiled by the publicly subsidised European Research Group.

The ERG became famous in the years before Brexit for the intensity of its study into the relationship between the UK and the EU, and it is expected that they will have anticipated and solved all the problems now afflicting the UK.

“The ERG was composed of some of the finest minds the UK government has produced,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The cladding on their intelligence is phenomenal. Nothing gets in that they don’t want to. No fact. No semblance of reality can enter. In fact some of them are so dense between the ears that light bends around them. We expect this stellar quality will mean they had an unfettered imagination and will have foreseen and solved the many crises the pingdemic has caused Brexit. Which otherwise would have been completely successful.”

Where 10 Downing Street will turn if there aren’t any answers in the ERG papers is not yet clear, but it’s thought blaming the EU will satisfy most, regardless of outcomes.

“It’s impossible to imagine that Rees-mogg, Bridgen, Francois and other heavyweights won’t have already predicted and sorted out the supply chain crisis. Christmas will be saved. And if it isn’t the Prime Minister will simply unleash the bubonic plague so we can blame that. The most important thing is no one says that Brexit was the stupidest thing any country has done in living memory.”

While the public waits for the papers to give up their illuminations it is important that NO ONE PANICS.

Just because no one smart enough to do Brexit would, doesn’t mean that the people who did it are complete and utter idiots. Some of them are extremely successful vulture capitalists.

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BREAKING : Downing Street announces plan to build 40 NEW PETROL STATIONS!

CRISIS AVERTED : FANTASTIC NEWS for Great British motorists this morning after Prime Minister Boris Johnson personally intervened to solve the fuel crisis caused by Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“He’s taking full control of the fuel crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you’re in a crisis you need an expert.”

Under plans that are “still being finalised” the government will state its intention to build forty new petrol stations. The new petrol stations will be spread in a line between 10 Downing Street to Chequers to best amplify Mr Johnson’s “levelling up” agenda.

In the interim there will be short term measures to stop the “panic at the pumps”.

“Having TORY MPS TWEET IN CAPS THAT THERE IS NO CRISIS IS A GREAT FIRST MOVE. THAT’S EXCELLENT FIREFIGHTING RIGHT THERE,” the source comments. “But Mr Johnson will also personally intervene to state ‘Fuck petrol pumps’.”

Another step will be to sequester Health Secretary Sajid Javid to bring his magic into dampening down public expectations.

“He’s going to drive around declaring anywhere carrying a flammable liquid a petrol station. Every off licence that sells lighter fluid will suddenly find itself declared a fully functioning petrol station. He can easily fit this into his diary alongside declaring GP surgeries new hospitals.”

People are asked to do their part while the new petrol stations are being created.

“We will have to stop telling EU lorry drivers to piss off for a few days,” the source acknowledges. “Just while we get our contingency plans rolling. So we’re asking patriotic British voters to stop shouting speak English at forrins. Just until we’ve sorted out the problems created by the pingdemic for motorists. Once that’s sorted it’s back to xenophobic, delusional, self-sabotaging, toxic, fascist appeasing nonsense because it works for the Cons at the polls.”

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BREAKING : Priti Patel placed in medical coma until EU visa rules are tightened again

HOLD FAST : THE ARCHITECT OF SO MUCH SUFFERING, the bringer of so much woe, the ender of Freedom of Movement, the UK’s Home Secretary Priti Patel has been rushed to a private hospital this afternoon and placed into a medical coma.

The dramatic medical intervention is thought to have been authorised from the highest ranks of government after Prime Minister Complete and Total Disaster agreed to relax rules regarding EU lorry drivers.

“No 10 wishes to reassure the country that the PM has only agreed to relax the rules out of fear of the impact of food and fuel shortages on his personal polling,” a Downing Street spokesman said. “He has not done it out of concerns for the national good or anyone’s personal welfare. Please do not be mistaken. He’s just as incompetent and self-centred as he has always been.”

But in spite of the reassurance some are wondering if the U-turn on drivers will raise questions over the intelligence behind Brexit.

“We could not have relaxed visa rules on EU lorry drivers, to alleviate food and fuel shortages, if we hadn’t first done Brexit,” the spokesman reminded the country. So all is well and good then.

As to Ms Patel personally, it was felt sedation may first have been all that was required, but there were concerns she would still react “aggressively” to the news and the “PM doesn’t have time in his schedule today for a wedgie”.

It is thought that the coma will be reversed once a suitable collection of videos of women protesting against violence being met with violence has been compiled.

“She will be brought out slowly and carefully,” the spokesman advised. “A soundtrack of traumatised EU nationals incorrectly detained at UK borders will play as images of women being slammed into the dirt by police are projected on all the walls of her room. In time it is hoped she well learn to adjust to the first blows against her humanitarian victory of ending FOM.”

It is not sure what will be done once more U turns on immigration rules are required owing to a shortage of sedatives caused by the ending of FOM by Ms Patel and her colleagues.

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Parliament begins three week recess because the country is so well managed

PARTY HATS ON : Westminster has gone into recess for the next three weeks. The decision to shutter the place is technically for party conference season, but really it’s because everything is going so well MPs are taking another well earned break to have some parties.

“Just look about you,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Everywhere you look you can see the impact of sovereignty. Shops. Petrol stations. NHS. Dentists. Control of our borders. It’s amazing what we’ve achieved in just a few months since we got Brexit done.”

Of course it has been long established that nothing can stop a parliamentary recess.

“Recess is the toughest manmade substance known,” the source agrees. “You can’t stop it. It’s like a runaway freight train and it’s left the tracks and is headed for your house. Unlike a grocery delivery. Ha!”

Conferences will be a little different this year with MPs wondering who has got the virus.

“That’s why Tory MPs haven’t been wearing masks in the House of Commons. Forward planning. Let’s all get sick now. One big measles party. Get it over and done with and have at the canapes and champers!”

But there are some who think perhaps now is not the best time to go into recess?

“Look. Have aliens invaded? No? Well. Everything is going just fine. Let’s all get together and tell ourselves what a great job we’re doing, if you’re in the government. If you’re in the official opposition, what’s the point of being in parliament anyway? Whatever crazy idea the Tories have had since 2010 Labour goes along with it. Austerity? Check. Brexit? Check. More Brexit? Check check check. Pandemic forever? Sure, check, just pick about the edges. It’s completely baffling why the Tories continue to run the place ragged when the alternative agrees with them on all the biggest things.”

Perhaps that can be discussed at conference.

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BREAKING : Gov to ease shortages with drone deliveries of soap and fuel to your door

BREXIT IS AN EXPLOSIVE MIXTURE : 10 DOWNING STREET are not putting up with the relentless bad news headlines for a day longer.

Under plans worked up over a late night drinking session, rumoured to have involved several games of Twister, the Government has ordered the army to ease shortages by use of drones.

“The drones are sitting just about idle now we’re out of Afghanistan anyway,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Why not put them to good use domestically?”

The scheme will involve trial runs initially with lucky householders receiving deliveries of soap and petrol direct to their front door.

“Imagine how your face will light up when you open the door and see the drone has dropped its load on your steps?” the source beams. “Once the trial has been deemed a success we will expand it to cover the entire country.”

The drones are expected to stop people driving to the supermarkets so often.

“This will conserve precious fuel supplies until the EU blockade on HGV drivers is eased,” the source advises. “And will have the added benefit of less footfall in supermarkets, thus less photos of empty shelves filling up social media. That’s bad for national morale. Something has to be done to encourage belief that Brexit is a success. So. Drones.”

It’s believed the airforce will also be thrilled to get involved as so far “everyone talks about the army helping out but no one ever mentions the RAF. That’s not good for morale. We’re going to do something about that too.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that if soap and petrol mix it could lead to some nasty accidents.

“That’s just the usual girly swots getting all worked up over nothing,” the source dismisses the concerns. “You’ll see it will be a bright day tomorrow when the payload lands. And besides, it can’t be half as dangerous as turning inadequately trained truckers loose in control of petrol tankers! Only a lunatic would do that.”

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A Muppets reunion is unlikely to happen, says Fozzie Bear

IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN: Dishevelled and with deeply misplaced leadership ambitions, Boris Johnson lookalike Fozzie Bear has all but ruled out a Muppets reunion. All the others are too busy with running the country down. 

“We’ve all got to grow up a bit,” said Fozzie. “Like me. I’m very grown up, in fact I’m the most grown uppest person I know, but the others aren’t, I mean, they need to prenez a grip here. I’m doing my best. Donnez moi a break!” 

Fozzie paused for effect. Nobody applauded, not even Muppet groupie Cora Lunesberg. 

“Erm, erm, erm, yes, no, well, green is good!” continued Fozzie. “Green is the colour! Green for go! Damien Green! Green with envy like the marionettes! Lucrative greenbacks! Kickbacks! Wiff waff!” 

The other Muppets were not happy. 

“Fame has gone to his head!” remarked Kermit the Frog, during a break in his latest world tour. “One verse in a minor hit single and he thinks he’s Robbie Williams! Riding on the back of MY success! Sorry, but it’s like the tambourine player going solo.” 

Miss Piggy was scathing. “He’s never been the same since he was on that panel show, a few years back,” she said. “It went to his head, which was enormous anyway, and now he’s totally lost it. His appearance has changed too, he used to be quite smart, for a bear. Now he looks like he hasn’t groomed himself for months!” 

“He’s regressed back to Sesame Street days,” said Big Bird. “He couldn’t count to ten for real!” 

“Bring back the Muppets?” said Statler. “Who do they think we are, a bunch of Muppets?” replied Waldorf, and they both dissolved into fits of giggles. 

“Hold on, what’s all this fake news?” roared the real Fozzie Bear. “I was hibernating, what have I missed?” 

Boris Johnson. Calling him a muppet is unfair to Muppets. 

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North American Free Trade Bloc makes “re-joining EU” condition of UK membership

A STITCH UP IN TIME : Doctor Hubert Blootung, chief representative of the North American Free Trade Association, has spoken to the press overnight outlining the conditions of the United Kingdom’s accession to the distant trade association.

“I would start by saying how impressed I was with the phone call from the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary Ms Truss,” the doctor began, to the surprise of many. “It is not often these days sales calls from cheese manufacturers are made with a personal touch. I have agreed to purchase a block of cheddar, with a complimentary pork product. I can appreciate that the cheddar must be Irish in origin for the moment, due to the difficulties of trading from the sovereign United Kingdom. But as long as there is a Union Flag on the packaging somewhere, it will be good enough for me.”

The pleasantries out of the way the Doctor got down to business.

“It is obvious to everyone why the United Kingdom must seek to join new trade associations. Preferably as far from the UK as possible. How else to recapture the might of the British Empire unless with a global policy? The EU will soon see the error of its ways when British made goods are sailing straight past it, through Suez and arriving in North America. But we have one condition for the UK for its application to join our trade bloc. They must first rejoin the EU. If we’re going to be having taxpayer jollies back and forth across the Atlantic I want to go to a country that has food.”

It’s not yet clear how the Prime Minister will respond, but it is expected that if he perceives personal gain in it he will swap positions on the EU as quick as you can blink and leave the domestic opposition politicians stunned and still babbling about embracing Brexit.

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Boris Johnson builds “world beating” free trade bloc out of empty wine crates

ARTS AND CRAFTS : The future of UK trade is secure today after British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced he had joined a world beating free trading bloc.

Hot on the heels of despair and ignominy in the United States, that even the state broadcasting and propaganda service could not fully conceal, the PM is said to have “rolled up his sleeves” and taken a nap. Once the afternoon snooze was over he “rolled his sleeves up even higher” and got “completely plastered on some excellent vintages”.

The drinking is believed to be key to the trade bloc success as it “Provided the raw materials needed to construct it. Although the paint to paint little people on the side doing trade was domestically sourced”.

Of course building a new free trade association out of empty wine crates is a radical move but this is a radical Prime Minister. No one before has lied to the Queen and gotten away with it. Just think what he will achieve next!

“The new trade alliance will allow Downing Street to continue with the ramped up post Brexit economic strategy of paying industries Brexit is killing to shut up, while spending taxpayers money on international jollies,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We would like to invite the USA, Canada, Vietnam, Chile, New Zealand, Easter Island, Russia, well everyone really, to apply to join. Liz Truss is hanging by the telephone for your call.”

The new trading bloc has an apt name too that draws on the economic revolution that is occurring in the United Kingdom post Brexit.

“Members of the failing, tyrannical EU super state are welcome to free themselves of the bloc’s red tape and join us,” the source invites. “There are two sets of rules in our new association. Which one applies to you will be determined by your wealth at birth. Make us happy by doing our dirty work and we’ll give you a peerage too. It’s very exciting.”

The name of the free trade association is sure to excite.

“We’ve called it Free United Kingdom Demands International Trade,” the source beams. “Or F U K D I T for short. We believe it encapsulates the wins delivered by Brexit.”