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BREAKING : Boris Johnson to lead clap for Owen Paterson

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE TURD SPLASHING : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to take time out from his busy schedule napping this weekend to lead a clap for one of Britain’s most famous parliamentarians.

The decision to spend some time “awake” has not been taken lightly and rumours suggest it is against both Mr Johnson’s alleged handler’s advice and his medical specialists.

“It’s very dangerous for the Prime Minister to be awake at all over the next 48hours,” a leaked paper presumed to be from Mr Johnson’s doctor reads. “There is the real chance of reality temporarily intruding into the carefully crafted fantasy life that Boris has constructed. The harm could be significant.”

If reality is able to “get involved” with Mr Johnson’s perception of the world around him he will need to complete a full course of Pomerol AOC “Château Petrus” 1985. Although finding donors prepared to “pay for the Prime Minister’s arts and crafts supplies is becoming increasingly problematic”.

It is hoped that once awareness of the “personal sacrifice” made by Mr Johnson, when he spends time “conscious” either Saturday or Sunday, becomes public knowledge that a poll bump will follow.

“Owen’s contribution to public life needs acknowledging,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Few people who could have taken the lightest slaps on the wrist and then carried on as before are prepared to allow themselves to be used publicly in an attempt to destroy the last vestiges of accountability in our political system.”

The only potential risk for Mr Johnson clapping in public is thought to lie in the possibility of him taking the course of Pomerol before he tries to put both hands together and make an “audible sound”.

Puppet masters will be on hand to control the strings attached to this wrists during the event. That has been described though as “just business as usual”.

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It’s time for an end of childish behaviour in parliamentary debates, says man still looked after by his nanny

MANNERS MAKETH MAN: We must end the outdated, and deeply annoying, tradition of behaving like children in the House of Commons. This statement from the Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg, is surprising from a man known to be looked after by his childhood nanny.

The only surprising fact is that he did not condemn the lower orders for lying down and taking a nap on the job. When it was put to him that this was a lie, he merely commented suavely, “One does not lie, one reclines.”

Long-standing Commons traditions of booing, making fart noises, coughing at inappropriate moments, and shooting dried peas from a catapult, were roundly condemned as being childish and rather silly. “Nanny always says that one should act one’s age,” he said, without a trace of irony. “She ensures that one is properly attired for one’s day’s work, and insists that one speaks with respect, even during playtime.”

Rees-Mogg further disclosed that during his years in the House, he had not once messed up his duties as milk monitor.

But what is life really like at home with the Rees-Moggs? Staff working at his modest 179-room mansion, with grounds occupying a mere 12% of East Somerset, were only too eager to spill the beans (and wipe them up afterwards).

“It’s hard to distinguish the children from the adults,” said under-butler Bowen Scrape. “When Jacob and Mrs Jacob line up at the dinner table with Unicycle, Duopoly, Tribble, Quattro, Pentagram, Sixtus, Septicaemia, Octet, Nonentity and Decadence, all with their bibs on, you don’t know which way to look. In the end, you just have to pretend it’s totally normal.”

“Bedtime is eight o’clock sharp for all,” said nursemaid Tanya Hyde. “They all sit around the fireside, while I read them ghastly 17th century fairy tales from a priceless manuscript. Then it’s a cup of warm milk, here is a candle to light you to bed, and a sharp smack if they step out of line.”

Peter Pan syndrome? Only kidding.

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Tory MPs are incapable of committing fraud, claims Boris Johnson

WHITER THAN THE DRIVEN SNOW: There is no such thing as Tory corruption, claims the Crime Minister. Conservatives are simply incapable of doing bad things. 

Boris Johnson’s own record is squeaky clean. He was never sacked for lying, he merely resigned to help a friend save face. He did this twice, in a measure of his legendary generosity. He never tried to help Darius Guppy to beat up a journalist, that was just elaborate banter between mates. A bigger boy made him pour shit into our rivers. 

So it is with Owen Paterson. The money he may or may not have been paid was not a bribe or an incentive to influence policy. In fact, the money was merely resting in his account. 

Accordingly, the now redundant Standards Committee will have to be disbanded. The anti-corruption chief will no longer have any responsibilities, although he will doubtless still be paid. It’s amazing what a retrospective rule change can do for decency and honesty. 

“The British government has the highest international reputation for honesty in the world,” claimed Johnson advisor Stan Dards. “This will only have been enhanced by today’s announcement that MPs and ministers are officially incapable of any wrongdoing. This is a great day for democracy. No longer will our MPs have to look over their shoulders for the irritating watchdog whenever generous wellwishers donate money to supplement the pittance they get paid. This move will ensure that lobbying will become a thing of the past, not least because giving money to MPs is now going to be called Associate Membership of The House.”

It is a sad state of affairs when persistent rumours of financial, sexual and drug-related irregularities follow our blameless representatives. The PM has declared such things impossible. It’s time to restore trust, and therefore we must take Johnson at his word. After all, who ever heard of a Tory prime minister lying?

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BREAKING : Owen Paterson chosen to lead new corruption watchdog by Downing St

MAKE HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES : 10 Downing Street is to drive forward with the advantage gained by its surprise win in the House of Commons yesterday by setting up a new Corruption Watchdog.

Westminster insiders had expected the Prime Minister to lay low for a few days after the stunning victory over those who foolishly believe MPs should be the advocates of the people who vote, and not large corporations, but their naivety is their undoing. The new watchdog will investigate corruption by MPs and act where necessary.

“And act swiftly,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “Some MPs aren’t charging nearly enough to access to government. High profile elected representatives can find their earnings hamstrung by more junior members who aren’t pushing the envelope hard enough.”

To give the public confidence the new body will do what it says on the tin, it is rumoured that the PM has chosen a recognised expert in the field.

“Owen Paterson MP brings a wealth of experience to the field of being paid to lobby on behalf of corporate interests,” the source continues. “He was recently found guilty of gross corruption by a cross party parliamentary committee. That was essentially the interview process to select the right person to head up the Corruption task force. He will ensure all MPs get the right buck for their bang.”

It’s thought Mr Paterson’s unwillingness to accept the thirty day ban from the House was a key plank in his success. Had he just taken the slap on the wrist and carried on with business as usual he may have lost out.

“Entitlement is the only thing that matters when you’re elected to parliament. If you can perform an action you are right to do it. Mr Paterson embodies this innocent desire for self-gratification above all other considerations as fully as any other MP found guilty of corruption. He’s the right man for the job.”

And there will be no time to lose as Mr Paterson will have to investigate his first case immediately.

“His first job will be to investigate himself,” the source adds. “Was £300,000 the most he could have earned by virtue of his access to the ear of the executive? He will be ruthless in his calculation. His sponsors may find themselves with a backdated invoice!”

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Boris Johnson promises to end deforestation by 2030 by cutting down all the trees before then

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: World beating green PM and notorious tree hugger Boris Johnson has made another unsustainable promise. He will, personally, end deforestation in the next ten years. Sources claim that he will actually make good on this promise by cutting down all the world’s trees during the intervening period.

There is only one snag to this cunning plan. “I sleep all night, and I work all day,” explained Downing Street mole Tim Burr. “That’s his personal motto, but ‘I bonk all night and I drink all day’ would be much closer to the mark.”

So it looks like we will be saved from Johnon’s fiendish schemes by his own laziness.

“Yes, but it won’t matter,” said Burr. “He will go into interviews conducted in the heart of an ancient woodland and he will claim that there is no such thing as trees any more. Even the BBC will put two and two together and realise that the man’s a charlatan.”

LCD Views always asks the important questions. Does Johnson skip? Does he jump? Does he like to press wild flowers?

“He will if there’s a camera on him,” said Burr. “In the same way that he goes for morning runs, cycles everywhere, supports the England football team. He’s an actor, and not a very convincing one.”

A bad actor? Or a bad faith actor? 

“Yes,” said Burr unhelpfully. “Almost nothing in his personal manifesto is true. He doesn’t go shopping on Wednesday, he doesn’t even like buttered scones, there is no evidence that he dresses in women’s clothing, although he does hang around in bars quite a lot to be fair.” 

So does that mean the world is safe? 

“Because one man is an idle twonk? No,” said Burr. “There are plenty of rapacious deforesters who will take his inaction as consent and burn the planet in his name while he gets kickbacks.” 

At least we should all be nice and warm for the next few years… 

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Downing Street recommends MPs salaries rise to £1m per year to stop corruption

PAY PEANUTS…: The shocking fate of a Brexiter MP, an innocent public servant who has become the subject of a witch hunt by a cross party group of MPs, has led to an imagined recommendation from 10 Downing Street that MPs salaries rise to a minimum of one million pounds per year. A believable, but invented, leak has revealed.

It’s hoped the minor pay bump will defend stalwarts of representative democracy as they simply go about their job of paid advocacy for whoever pays them. In theory this is the public, but that is a naive and outdated perception which must be modernised. Public service can be the gateway to untold riches for mediocre individuals, and as such is an avenue of levelling up.

“One million pounds for annum will be the starting salary,” the leak explains. “This will have to be indexed to rise with inflation. MPs will receive performance bonuses on top of that, as is normal for any hardworking employee. There will be an additional pay increase if you are a Tory MP, as people expect you to earn additional income to meet rising living costs. Have you seen the cost of gas lately? Those stables don’t heat themselves! But former MPs, and especially former PMs, will be encouraged to capitalise on their brief stints in public service to make being an MP truly aspirational. This should encourage food bank freeloaders and UC layabouts to work harder.”

But critics of the initiative have said that they can’t see how paying public servants a massive salary will stop them seeking additional sources of revenue, outside of their expected parliamentary business.

“Those critics don’t understand how Brexit works,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Why did we have to leave the EU and all its red tape behind? This is what the people wanted. Now, aren’t you late for your indentured field work peasant?”

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The Roman Empire fell because its supermarkets ran out of cardboard cutouts of fresh fruit, says Boris Johnson

VENI, VIDI, VICI: The world’s greatest historian has made an astounding discovery. Our entire thinking about the Roman Empire has been wrong. 

The historian in question is the notorious drunk, lecher, and sometime hobby prime minister, Boris Johnson. His credentials are world beating (“He is the finest historian, yes yes yes, of his, or any other, generation, wiff waff, yes really.” – Stanley Johnson). His momentous discovery came about while casually drawing parallels between himself and Caligula. 

Received wisdom is that the Roman Empire, like all empires, grew complacent. It literally rested on its laurels. Then disgruntled savages from The North rolled up during siesta and trashed the place. But according to the great Johnson, this isn’t true. Instead, impoverished fruit growers throughout the Empire could no longer pick their fruit, much less deliver it to Rome, because the Emperor had decreed that only native Romans were allowed to perform these essential tasks. And native Romans, more accustomed to getting fat and rich on the back of slave labour, simply weren’t interested in honest backbreaking work.

So instead, to maintain the illusion of plenty, Roman market traders displayed cardboard cutouts of the best fruit and vegetables the Empire could provide. Johnson leaves out the explanation of how printing and cardboard had been discovered by the Romans, only for the technology to be forgotten for a thousand years (“A mere detail, you know, isn’t it, marvellous,” he explained). 

This worked for a while, the patriotism and sovereignty feeding the population, but real, gnawing hunger began to creep in. One disloyal subject, according to Johnson, must have crept out one night and collected all the displays to eat, and in the morning there was no more fruit! The Emperor called upon the inventors of cardboard and printing, but discovered that they had been banished permanently because they weren’t Roman. Thus the Empire fell.

And that’s it. Quod erat demonstrandum. Simples.

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Macron BANNED from Festival of BREXIT as Britain hits back over fish!

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Reports are coming out of 10 Downing Street this morning of SHOCK and DISMAY in the Elysee Palace after the UK GOVERNMENT HIT BACK over fish.

The control of the polluted British fish stocks in the Channel has become so important that the UK is prepared to sacrifice anything in order to prove it is IN CONTROL. It was felt a high level diplomatic SLAP was the only way to show MACRON and the WORLD that post-Brexit UK was “having its hake and eating it”.

The French government is yet to respond to the MAJOR BLOW to the entertainment plans of its President next year, who was expected to join ALL WORLD LEADERS in visiting the Festival of Brexit and wondering open mouthed at British culture and infection rates.

“The Festival of Brexit is the real dawn of the 21st Century,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not to receive a complimentary ticket will be a burn on the prestige of France no amount of ice can soothe. Even if it was red, white and blue ice.”

The banning of the French president and his delegation from the Brexit festival, even before he had confirmed he wanted to come, shows the world what Boris Johnson’s UK is about.

“Allies need to take note,” the source continues. “We clearly need them or we’ll starve in darkness, but on the surface we must have daily aggression in the headlines or the looting of the UK state will become visible to all.”

Further measures are planned if the French don’t back down and do as their told.

“We will be issuing even more fishing licences to French vessels and not publicising it,” the source advises. “We’ll also ban anything French from our rich, post-Brexit cultural landscape. That will show them we mean business!”

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BUILD BACK BETTER : Government announces £500 off ivory backscratchers

BUILD BACK BACKSCRATCHERS : Some junior minister no one has heard of is celebrating across social media today after successfully lobbying for a reduction in the price of ivory backscratchers.

It’s believed the cause gained the attention of Prime Minister Boris Johnson who saw it as the perfect “troll of world leaders ahead of the Glasgow Climate Change conference”. It has the added advantage of “winding up [the current] Mrs Johnson” whose pretence to environmentalism is taking flak, given her choice of partner.

Trolling the domestic population has long been a source of deep pleasure for Mr Johnson and his supporters, and now thanks to Brexit, they’ve gone international. You can expect a tour de force of shabby dressing, shambolic walking and Benny Hill themed leering from our highest elected official in the coming days. That’ll show up the girly swots of international power!

“The slashing of sales tax on ivory backscratchers will have the woke foaming at the mouth,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It should keep all the endless corruption stories off the front pages. But even if it doesn’t who cares? This shows the hoi polloi who’s in power and who has to take it on the chin.”

The choice of ivory is thought to be exceptionally clever too, being a trigger for the bunny huggers.

“We’re going to set up an endangered animal bank which Tory MPs can donate to,” the source adds. “But access will be means tested. Not just anyone will be able to rock up and take home some rhino horn or an elephant foot stool. Maybe a stuffed wolf? There is sure to be something there for everyone. Each community bank will be easily recognised by the green archway over its entrance.”

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours – the very essence of Tory governance. But let’s try and do it in style.

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Downing Street to make political donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible

PAY TO PLAY : The wealthiest Tory MPs are in for a massive tax return today after completely fabricated reports said that 10 Downing Street is to make donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible.

Ever reliable, anonymous “sources” from inside the Executive began briefing pliant press mouthpieces that “tax efficient” changes were coming in order to “help complete the transformation from a liberal, representative democracy” into a total Kakistocracy.

The need for MPs to enrich themselves however possible while in office is seen as a key plank of post Brexit governance because “you never know when we’ll need to cut and run after trashing and asset stripping old Blighty”.

The tax deductible nature of the donations is also rumoured to include a special “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” clause which means both the giver and the receiver can claim it.

“This is a completely democratic change which will see investment and sponsorship pour into Westminster in numbers that dwarf even the deluge from sanctioned oligarchs to Tories post 2010,” the leak asserts. “It’s all part of building back better bank balances while keeping the plebs distracted with frequent threats of war with France over a fish.”

To make the new changes truly inclusive the rebate will be valid regardless of the currency used to make a donation.

“We’ll also be allowing the cash value of gifts such as holidays and dinners to be claimed against an MPs salary,” the leak also reveals. “This means that the Exchequer will be writing cheques for hardworking MPs that more than compensate for the sterling work they’ve done transforming the U.K. food supply chains and water quality.”

The public is expected to play their part by shrugging and going to Spoons for a pint that is now 3p cheaper.