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Boris Johnson uses himself as an example of a low skilled immigrant ruining Britain

KNOW THYSELF : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is not content to rest on his laurels of one of the world’s worst pandemic responses, he’s also after the very fabric out of which the country is woven.

Immigrants. We all know they’re bad. They’ve been bad since they arrived and threw up all those stone structures we take so much pride in, they’ve been bad since they taught us to farm, they were bad when they came and made roads and toilets, bad when they arrived to lay down the foundations of the country in successive waves over centuries and especially bad when they made everyone speak French for a while. Boris Johnson knows this. You know this. From imported Dutch and German kings, when we couldn’t manufacture our own, and all the way to the Queen marrying a Greek man. Immigrants! What have they ever done for us? Apart from fish and chips. Oh, and then we went and conquered half of them and brought home enough loot to create the British Museum.

None of that thought compares though to the damage actually done by Britain’s most famous immigrant right now.

“It takes one to know one,” Mr Johnson told the Conservative Party Conference earlier today. An audience with many heavy hitters. A lot of them the children of immigrants. Which makes all the immigrant hating for votes especially confusing.

“Yes some immigrants come over here and drive trucks and what not, but that is nothing compared to the damage the most celebrated immigrant is currently doing. Dismantling the country so fast if he wasn’t a Russian asset he may as well be one. Or North Korean! Why not the Manchurian Candidate? Same difference. Look at the wreckage.”

Boris Johnson was of course talking about Boris Johnson. He’s the exception to the rule (of law).

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Government is not the job of government, says government

WASHING HANDS OF RESPONSIBILITY: The government has today denied that it has any responsibility to govern. Any individual having a problem with that should expect from Priti Patel’s heavies.

“People should look to family first, then community, then charity, then business, then Australia, and not come running cap in hand all the time,” stated government Minister for Doing Stuff, Bo Nidle. Rapturous applause from the audience, looking forward to another 52 weeks holiday this year. “The UK is a well-oiled machine.” Cheers from the well-oiled crowd. “It is up to individual choice how they govern themselves, the Nanny State has gone too far.” Mayhem, as audience members exercised Individual Choice to bray and holler and drink the bar dry.

Priti Patel drove home the point as only she can. “People expectin’ to be bailed out are wrong,” she screeched. “You’re all individuals, you can think for yourselves.” Her audience responded with a chorus of ‘Yes, we’re all individuals, we can think for ourselves.’ “Nobody wants the government interferin’ with their affairs. Anyone expectin’ us to do their hard work for them will be dealt with, severely. We will be turnin’ back the votes!”

But nobody typified the attitude better than Boris Johnson. “I used to like rules and regulations, you see,” he waffled. “So much so, that I decided, don’t you know, yes, no, well, you see, as it were, wiff waff, to make the rules, if you get my drift, make the rules work for me. But I’m bored now, I want to let someone else get on with the hard work, and that means you! Back to work, you lazy, feckless, useless British working classes, it’s your job to do stuff and it’s mine to sit around all day, drinking and shagging and talking bollocks, while drawing a massive salary!”

And if this doesn’t work out, well we all know who will take the blame.

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Tory Party confident Johnson acting like a clown will charm starving masses

BREAD AND CIRCUSES : A source within 10 Downing Street has revealed the Conservative Party’s plan for helping millions of people adjust to the cuts to Universal Credit and increase in NI. The need to support the public is clear as soon even the food banks will be at breaking point.

“Boris Johnson is going to continue to act like an idiot,” the source reveals. “We’re confident that this will be sufficient to convince people choosing to skip lunch or dinner is the right choice. It’s worked so far. Although admittedly that has been in the long run up to dismantling the UK for asset strippers, turning what’s left into a parody of the 14th century and bringing back laws against the enticement of labour.”

Anyone who isn’t impressed by their Prime Minister messing about with fish and chips while their local school crashes and burns in the endless pandemic will find themselves swiftly corrected.

“If you think Mr Johnson accidentally throwing a custard pie into his face before walking blind into a lamp post and bouncing off only to fall down a pot hole isn’t a system of government then you are not very patriotic,” the source explains. “That’s what we will tell people.”

Further hijinks will be planned for the coming weeks as attempts to aggravate the EU to distract from the catastrophic failure of UK governance ramps up.

“We’ll be making some old school jokes about the French,” the source beams. “Don’t worry about that. We’ve got old Bonaparte on the run. The voters will be queueing up in anticipation”

Just like they currently do when there’s rumour of a drop of a fuel at a petrol station.

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BREAKING : Priti Patel to go on “charm offensive” to recruit more EU27 drivers

BULLY FOR YOU: The task of sweet talkin’ EU lorry drivers into sortin’ the UK’s problems out has fallen to Priti Patel. The offensively charmless Ms Patel will attack the problem with her usual grace and tact. 

Patel will first of all deny that she ever gloried in the title of Send Them All Back Home Secretary. She is then expected to draw up a stringent list of terms and conditions, before promising Christmas on Ascension Island. 

Home Office insider Kat O’Ninetails was able to fill in a bit of the detail. 

“Even though we need these foreigners to deal with their mess, we still hold the whip hand,” said O’Ninetails threateningly. “They should feel obliged to come back. After all, they disappeared just when we needed them, it’s the height of irresponsibility!”

I see that 27 drivers have signed up so far. That’s not very encouraging. 

“This is why we are goin’ on a recruitment drive!” snarled O’Ninetails. “The Glory of England should be sufficient motivation in itself, but obviously we will need to supply greater incentives. We will soon whip them into shape!” 

So the charm offensive begins. How are you goin’ to charm them? 

“Oh, we can be charmin’, believe me,” growled O’Ninetails, putting on a knuckleduster. “Firstly, and most importantly, do the filthy foreign traitors want to see English children starve? That’s the message we are puttin’ out across Europe right now. 

“Secondly, as we said, we are offering a free holiday on Ascension Island for all the garlic munchers who come back and beg for mercy. 

“Finally, if these measures don’t work, then it’s no more Mr Nice Guy, and we simply press gang them. The Army is on standby.” 

The hostile environment won’t be a barrier? Or border controls? 

“Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not supposed to work, it’s only to make us look tough!” 

Nutshell. 

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WhatsApp outage causes “record” backlog of unsent racist and sexist memes in Tory chat groups

FREE SPEECH : WHATSAPP’S CRASH yesterday caused the entire system of governance of the United Kingdom to grind to a halt for several hours as a tech team was dispatched to California to turn the internet off and on again, much like that episode of South Park.

The impact was felt directly in the UK as Whatsapp has replaced the Houses of Parliament as the main chamber of government and for networking, exchanging gossip and keeping everyone’s spirits up as they trash the country.

“It was horrifying,” Tory Tory MP told LCD Views. “The hatter of second cousin twice removed had Whatsapp’d a killer meme about drowning refugees just before the crash into my local church group and I couldn’t share it to my local parliamentary group. It was heart breaking. For a moment I felt like I was facing a crushing cut to my pay while watching an inheritance millionaire Chancellor smugly celebrate his shocking rise up the greasy ladder.”

The backlog of unsent racist and sexist memes is expected to clear throughout the day now that the servers which crashed have been resurrected by tech magic (our tech correspondent is on holidays, we can’t explain it).

“It will actually be a bit of win in the end,” Tory Tory MP told LCD Views. “As we’re all at Conference together for a weeklong laugh at poor people we can just show each other the memes on our phones. Then when the texts arrive we get to laugh about it all again. Which will be nice with canapes and bubbles at lunch.”

Whatsapp? Whatsdown.

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We’re getting on with the job, and we really mean it this time, say Tory MPs

ALL TALK AND NO ACTION: Tories have gathered together to brainstorm the latest set of empty platitudes. We are getting on with the job, they claim, though which job they mean is by no means certain.

Eager drones were very keen to talk about it, though less keen to share any concrete proposals. “It’s going to be great!” remarked cannon fodder Faye Kingitt. “Obviously I can’t disclose any details, but we are definitely getting on with it, and we really, really mean it this time!”

Other minor MPs were equally effusive, and equally lacking in detail. “It’s about time that we got over the disaster left for us by the last Labour government,” remarked Phil E. Buster, who had at least got all the catchphrases ready. “We are building back better, levelling up, doubling down, in, out, shake it all about. We are getting on with it, working night and day, and we will get it done, have no doubts about that!”

It’s about time. The Tories have had eleven years not getting on with the job and letting things slide. But how do we know that anything will change?

“Change is good, inevitably some will not like it, and there will be bumps in the road,” admitted Kingitt. “But change is essential. That is what Conservative means, after all!”

“There will always be winners and losers,” admitted Buster. “But it is our job to make sure the winners win, and the losers lose, this is why Brexit was necessary, the EU wanted to reverse the natural way of things, make losers win, and so forth, which is not the way we do things in the UK, and we will be getting on with it really, really soon, and we really, really mean it, honest!”

In other news, hell is freezing over tomorrow, at least according to the Daily Express long range forecast.

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Home Office to allow EU citizens to use Donations of Food and Fuel as Visas

WE DON’T NEED EU REALLY REALLY WE DON’T : The Home Office is to begin a stunning new visa scheme from Monday which will really put egg on the faces of those unpatriotic critics that say Brexit is isolating the UK.

“People who try desperately to link food and fuel shortages to Brexit are going to look pretty bloody silly from tomorrow,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Priti Patel and her team have knocked it out of the park with the new Food and Fuel Visa scheme.”

The scheme will allow EU citizens to gain temporary access to the UK so long as they bring a donation of food and or fuel and deliver it to a retail outlet.

“Because we have zero customs checks for goods entering the UK there won’t be any problem with standards,” the source celebrates. “We have no standards in Brexitannia. It’s very liberating. This will also do a lot to boost the travel industry who is somewhat weirdly freaked out about the lengths Patel is going to to close Britain off to visitors.”

But patriots worried that the scheme will see EU27 nationals flood the UK again don’t have to worry.

“The Food and Fuel visas are time limited. Just long enough to get the food to a supermarket and piss off back across the Channel. Clearly if you want an extended stay you need to bring petrol too. Anyway caught overstaying will be ejected by catapult out of our sovereign land and across our sovereign waters.”

Still, it won’t be as easy as just swanning up to border control and showing them a baguette or a length of wurst.

“All food and fuel items must be Union Flag packaged or they will be confiscated and the illegal visitor refused entry. We aren’t going to fall into any sneaky Continental traps. Oh no.”

Food and Fuel visas. This is what TAKING BACK CONTROL looks like.

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BREAKING : All foreign born residents in U.K. given HGV licences

A PROBLEM SHARED : Downing Street have solved the niggling post Brexit teething problem of a shortage of qualified labour in the haulage industry. As of midnight today all foreign born UK residents will automatically qualify to drive heavy goods vehicles.

The decision to pass them all at once is said to be a “masterstroke” of Prime Minister Boris Johnson in between the “sixth and seventh courses” at dinner last night, but “before the sorbet, which he finds as boring as falling life expectancy under his watch”.

What the new drivers will feel about their sudden qualifications isn’t clear. However both Brexiters and Lexiters expect the hoovering of labour from one sector to another of the economy during a sudden “economic shock and systemic crisis caused by wilful pursuit of ideology with no reference to reality or the holistic nature of society” will be a complete success. No one can expect inflation to hammer UC recipients as a result.

“To assist with the transition from whatever they were doing till today the Home Office is working with the Department of Transport to help,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “By way of Henry VIII powers we have passed a new law criminalising anyone who can talk foreign who doesn’t immediately turn up for work with their new Class 1 licence.”

Age is not thought to be a deterrent, either youth or old age, as “you’re just sitting in a bally cab letting the truck do most of the work anyway”, according to the Prime Minister.

Once the pilot scheme has proved a complete success it will be rolled out to other areas of the economy which are also experiencing shortages.

“Javid is especially eager to use the new system to solve the NHS workforce shortfalls. He saw a child with a toy stethoscope the other day and believed he was a doctor. It won’t be long before this is actually true.”

The one exception will be wealthy Tory donors who were born overseas as they will “be given peerages so long as the money keeps flowing into the Tory Party coffers.”

The decision to gift the licences out does also mean that the Prime Minister himself is now instantly qualified to drive a HGV.

“Mr Johnson is looking forward to getting into the cab of a giant truck and driving it back and forth over whatever is left of the economy. Once Brexit is finished with it.”

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Downing St – “UK food and petrol crisis is fault of driver’s strike” like Brussels supermarket

MISS REPRESENT AT YOUR SERVICE : DOWNING STREET have had their “men who work in the shadows” busy this week, allegedly, attempting to pretend that the supply crisis worsening in the UK, post Brexit, is nothing to do with Brexit.

The exceptional wheeze is expected to completely cloud people’s vision when they go to the shop and “see nothing there” and then try and fill up with petrol and see “no petrol there”. Seeing is after all believing. And so long as there is one image on social media of an empty shelf in Brussels than Brexit is perfect. Even if the empty shelf in Brussels has nothing to do with the current supply chain pressures in Europe.

“It’s not yet clear how successful the attempt to deflect attention away from the UK’s worsening issues will be. This is because the only Brexit that could ever have succeeded was the Brexit in Dan Hannan’s mind. Nigel Farage’s mind. Boris Johnson’s mind. Priti Patel’s mind. Etc. Ad nauseum. Once the Brexit was let out of those bizarre little composting cages it was all over, for Brexit. Now we all have to pay for it,” said a Brexit expert.

We did ask the government for comment, allegedly, because just wishing shit away never solves anything. We’re increasingly concerned about feeding our children. Alongside wondering how many times they’ll catch the virus in Johnson’s tantric pandemic. But all we got was the following manufactured statement :

“The UK food and petrol crisis will soon be joined by medical and energy crises.”

Shortly after a correction followed,

“Ignore the previous statement. It was honest. This is the statement.”

We waited. It arrived.

“The UK food and petrol crisis the fault of a driver’s strike. Just like the Brussel’s supermarket.”

We tapped our fingers. This was not credible.

“The driver’s name is Tony, he comes from Bolton, he’s on strike and we’ve sent the army in to deal with him.”

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Business Secretary says he expects UK economy to exceed levels last seen after “the Romans left”

COMING AND GOING : The UK’s Under Secretary of State for Fucking Business has taken to the press today to support his boss Kwasi Kwarteng’s assessment of UK economic prospects.

“We’re in transition,” Rt Hon Horrible Prospects told LCD Views. “We’re transitioning from a functional, fully integrated, industrialised and powerful nation into a shitshow where bin fires are the largest growth sector. If you’ve some old oil drums in your backyard it’s going to be very exciting. You can rent them out by the hour. Make extra supplying the foraged combustibles.”

The Under Secretary of State words will bring hope and cheer to many who are likely looking at the worsening supply chain issues and wondering what the hell is going on? How bad is this going to get before sanity returns? Why don’t all the opposition MPs band together to demand this farcical vulture capitalist government get to fuck? And really what is the point of having a sovereign monarch if they just do not seem to care at all how badly the country is mismanaged?

“I have of course noted your concerns over the present supply issues,” Horrible Prospects added. “After reading into the future what you’re writing here and writing backwards to now. I can honestly say all this will be solved instantly by honestly pretending an empty shelf in Brussels is honestly caused by exactly the same forces we are experiencing and Brexit is innocent.”

Having soothed everyone’s worries, even as the petrol queues continue, Horrible Prospects added one final layer of support to his boss, who just sounds ridiculous.

“The UK is in transition. That’s our catchphrase for a few days. After that is complete we can expect the economy to exceed levels last seen after the Romans left. It’s very exciting. They’re be some lovely pottery.”