IT AIN’T EASY BEING GREEN: Dishevelled and with deeply misplaced leadership ambitions, Boris Johnson lookalike Fozzie Bear has all but ruled out a Muppets reunion. All the others are too busy with running the country down.
“We’ve all got to grow up a bit,” said Fozzie. “Like me. I’m very grown up, in fact I’m the most grown uppest person I know, but the others aren’t, I mean, they need to prenez a grip here. I’m doing my best. Donnez moi a break!”
Fozzie paused for effect. Nobody applauded, not even Muppet groupie Cora Lunesberg.
“Erm, erm, erm, yes, no, well, green is good!” continued Fozzie. “Green is the colour! Green for go! Damien Green! Green with envy like the marionettes! Lucrative greenbacks! Kickbacks! Wiff waff!”
The other Muppets were not happy.
“Fame has gone to his head!” remarked Kermit the Frog, during a break in his latest world tour. “One verse in a minor hit single and he thinks he’s Robbie Williams! Riding on the back of MY success! Sorry, but it’s like the tambourine player going solo.”
Miss Piggy was scathing. “He’s never been the same since he was on that panel show, a few years back,” she said. “It went to his head, which was enormous anyway, and now he’s totally lost it. His appearance has changed too, he used to be quite smart, for a bear. Now he looks like he hasn’t groomed himself for months!”
“He’s regressed back to Sesame Street days,” said Big Bird. “He couldn’t count to ten for real!”
“Bring back the Muppets?” said Statler. “Who do they think we are, a bunch of Muppets?” replied Waldorf, and they both dissolved into fits of giggles.
“Hold on, what’s all this fake news?” roared the real Fozzie Bear. “I was hibernating, what have I missed?”
Boris Johnson. Calling him a muppet is unfair to Muppets.