HOLD FAST : THE ARCHITECT OF SO MUCH SUFFERING, the bringer of so much woe, the ender of Freedom of Movement, the UK’s Home Secretary Priti Patel has been rushed to a private hospital this afternoon and placed into a medical coma.
The dramatic medical intervention is thought to have been authorised from the highest ranks of government after Prime Minister Complete and Total Disaster agreed to relax rules regarding EU lorry drivers.
“No 10 wishes to reassure the country that the PM has only agreed to relax the rules out of fear of the impact of food and fuel shortages on his personal polling,” a Downing Street spokesman said. “He has not done it out of concerns for the national good or anyone’s personal welfare. Please do not be mistaken. He’s just as incompetent and self-centred as he has always been.”
But in spite of the reassurance some are wondering if the U-turn on drivers will raise questions over the intelligence behind Brexit.
“We could not have relaxed visa rules on EU lorry drivers, to alleviate food and fuel shortages, if we hadn’t first done Brexit,” the spokesman reminded the country. So all is well and good then.
As to Ms Patel personally, it was felt sedation may first have been all that was required, but there were concerns she would still react “aggressively” to the news and the “PM doesn’t have time in his schedule today for a wedgie”.
It is thought that the coma will be reversed once a suitable collection of videos of women protesting against violence being met with violence has been compiled.
“She will be brought out slowly and carefully,” the spokesman advised. “A soundtrack of traumatised EU nationals incorrectly detained at UK borders will play as images of women being slammed into the dirt by police are projected on all the walls of her room. In time it is hoped she well learn to adjust to the first blows against her humanitarian victory of ending FOM.”
It is not sure what will be done once more U turns on immigration rules are required owing to a shortage of sedatives caused by the ending of FOM by Ms Patel and her colleagues.