LCD Views

LCD Views brings you an exclusive interview today with world famous cartographer and professor of imaginary geography, Professor Barrow Gopher.

The interview took place in the basement map room made famous by the 2016 BBC Channel 3 science special, “Map means map”.

”Did you know this building used to be a Wetherspoons?” Professor Gopher begins the interview, with a question, underlining his reputation as an unconventional quack.

We didn’t. How did it come to be your internationally regarded (with suspicion, mostly) geographical laboratory?

”Easy. I took a Labradoodle, that is a drawing of a dog done in a whimsical style, and I put it into a blender with a Tory. The resulting mess is my lab.”

And that was enough to convince Tim Martin to sell out?

”Oh, pure personal greed and a skewed sense of personally divinity did that. But these premises were the site of the last Wetherspoons pub, when they went into administration in 2022 and no one would buy the chain”

Or the load of balls attached to it?

”Indeed, but please don’t interrupt me when I’m giving you a pearl of wisdom or I’ll terminate the interview.”

Touchy!

We’re sorry. Please tell our ginormous international audience about your most recent discovery?

”Well, you would have heard about the weird little island Spanish and French fishing crews have reported sighting off the coast of France and the Netherlands?”

Who hasn’t? It’s rumoured to smell very strongly of xenophobic horseshit and to be sinking at a rate so fast even rising sea levels can’t account for it.”

”It’s the U.K.”

Are you sure? Please be mindful that the age of experts is over.

”And the age of idiots has begun.”

It certainly seems so. But how can you prove this assertion?

”Merely by opening any window and smelling what’s outside.”

Professor Barrow thank you for your time.

I prefer to be called Cart. You’re welcome. Pick up a beer mat on your way out. There collectors items you know [they’re*].

 

The strangest winter migration of all is occurring, right now in the UK. The nation’s unicorns have decided to move, as a body, out of the UK and onto the continent.

The unicorn is normally a shy and reclusive creature. It does not migrate or hibernate in winter, although small localised movements have always occurred. Now there is a completely overt and unashamed exodus taking place. Even the most stubborn, traditionally found in the affluent Home Counties, are on the move. Reports indicate that both leprechauns and the tooth fairy have joined the march.

LCD Views was fortunate enough to talk to one of the unicorn leaders, Faith Overfacts, as she floated south-eastwards upon her magic rainbow.

“People have finally stopped believing in us,” said Overfacts, with a touch of bitterness. “Our hold over the imagination of the public has been slipping for a while, but the Prime Minister’s botched deal with the European Union was the final straw. So we are escaping from the horse-tile environment.”

Is not even the powerful adulation of small girls enough to keep you here?

“The sad reality of the situation is that even small girls understand that unicorns are fictional,” replied Overfacts sadly. “The unbelief is restricting our movements and destroying our breeding grounds. We have been belittled and mocked, depicted as donkeys wearing a traffic cone, or mules in party hats. Our continental neighbours are far more understanding. We are show jumpers, not queue jumpers.”

The good ship Brexit is going down with all hands. The unicorns are fleeing the sinking ship.

One man has decided to take unilateral action. Watching his leadership ambitions float away with the unicorns, Michael Gove has sprung into action. He has travelled to Dover with as much barbed wire as he can lay his clammy hands on, in order to trap the fleeing beasts. As usual, he is taking action without taking responsibility as the unicorns can evade him without any difficulty.

Magical thinking is leaving the country bereft of fairy tales. And they certainly will not live happily ever after.

One of the unexpected bonuses of Brexit is the opportunity to fund, design and build a GPS system from scratch. Obviously, the EU will not be able to access it, so it will operate in the timeless void that is Boris Johnson’s head.

Initial designs seen by LCD Views indicate that UK Galileo will operate by clockwork and be calibrated in Imperial units. The construction process is top secret, but GCHQ has already stockpiled quantities of timber and nails.

The British project has already been named the Hoyle Project, in honour of plucky British scientist Sir Fred Hoyle. Hoyle always tried hard, but so often got it wrong.

Technology expert Dick Klever was on hand to unravel the mysteries of the project. “Already we can see the Britishness of the project,” claims Klever. “English oak, nails made in Birmingham, Sheffield steel, and a large selection of pies.”

Ignoring the fact that nails haven’t been made in Birmingham for many years, what’s the deal with sending pasties into space?

“That’s the really good bit!” exclaims Klever. “We will send pies into the sky for real.”

That makes perfect sense, but why do the designs show that the finished product will be arch-shaped?

“The Hoyle project aims to bridge the gap between Johnson’s ears, and also, more ambitiously, the gap between Brexiter fantasy and cold hard facts,” explained Klever. “Also, there is a potato-shaped section, named the Bridgen bridge. It forms a Bridgen over untroubled thought.”

But surely, there is not much physical space between Boris Johnson’s ears?

“It’s like the TARDIS,” said Klever patiently. “There’s an almost infinite void inside, augmented by the so-called Bridgen Area. Hoyle should transmit impractical, elevated concepts into the blond receptor for many years to come.”

The only stumbling block is the difficulty of finding a half-decent carpenter who has not found work by jumping a queue.

An opinion poll, based on a sample of 65m UK citizens, has revealed that the only person in the country who still believes in Brexit is Theresa May herself.

The poll was conducted via social media, principally Twitter. Everyone in the country was given the opportunity to vote, using the YouTwit app. Cheaper, and therefore better, than a referendum, the result was unexpected.

In the end, 65m people responded. “That means everyone voted,” claims completely and absolutely unbiased pollster Holden Hands. “The only response in favour of Brexit was electronically traced to a bunker under 10 Downing Street, and came from a mobile phone belonging to the Prime Minister.”

This comes in the wake of erstwhile Brexit Secretary, Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab, declaring that the UK would be better off in the EU. Here is the real Brexit Dividend. There is more rejoicing in Britain over one Brexiter who repents than 99 who were always Remainers.

Brexiters are now falling faster than autumn leavers. The bare bones of Brexit are exposed to the harsh winds of reality, leaving a mouldy mess of rotting leavers on the streets.

“We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” said May mechanically, for the millionth time today, convincing nobody but herself. As platitude followed platitude, seasoned with a series of lame, tired slogans, it became clear May was going through the motions. Much like a walker trampling through fallen leaves concealing nuggets of dog poo.

The only ray of hope came from the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn. A man who has sat on the fence for so long that the splinters have become permanently incorporated into his buttocks, he refused to either praise or condemn May. “We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” he read from a pamphlet entitled The Collected Speech Of Theresa May. “But her deal fails our six tests, so I don’t really know any more. Sorry.”

Everyone knows Brexit is an abject failure now. Only one issue remains. Who the hell’s going to tell Theresa?

SACRE BLUR : LCD Views can report today on a completely ignored clause in Theresa Mayhem’s draft Withdrawal Agreement with the fishing superpower the EU. The fishy agreement came into force already, being legally non-dependent on the WA being passed, and having been overlooked by Boris Johnson’s non-government.

“While all the usual pundits and rent-a-gobs were banging on about automanufacturing and the much salivated end of FOM for U.K. nationals to 27 countries, and 500M suckers to one country, no one has paid much attention to Clause 101.B-666A3, paragraph 97.1, which deals with the reciprocal legal rights and obligations governing nomadic, nation state wildlife,” Professor A Lawyer said, “and this is a win for the ultra-nationalists currently governing the U.K. Be in no doubt.”

For it seems within the scandalously ignored clause is detail as to how British fish, caught by Frenchmen, are to be extradited back to mainland U.K. and tried for treason.

”All British fish are fully aware that while they may swim into waters once controlled by Britannia, in the time of our control by the Normans, they must return to British waters to be caught. To be caught by a foreign net is essentially treason. The U.K. is pulling out of the joint extradition treaty with the EU, so they have to keep any of our OAP criminals on the Costa del Sol, but an exception has been made specifically for fish.”

The exception itself was a chief demand of the Prime Minister.

”From the 30th March 2019 any proper British fish caught by a Frenchman will be extradited to face justice at home.”

Trials will be held in the Old Bailey and should take less than a week to conduct.

”Capital punishment will be the sentence for all British fish guilty of treason.”

But how will the fish survive out of water to stand in the dock?

”They’ll just have to hold their breath after Brexit,” our legal eagle shrugged, “just like the rest of us.”