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Theresa May to debate Brexit with empty chair on Dec 8th

LCD Views has exciting news for lovers of a democracy so polarised it’s in danger of entering an unexpected ice age, with the announcement that brutal wordsmith Theresa May is to debate an empty chair on December 8th, just days before the Commons votes in a way she’s guaranteed to ignore.

”Clearly Sturgeon, or anyone Scottish and fish based is right out,” organiser of the event, BBC Producer Mr Pro Brexit told us, “you see the way that Blackwater or Blackcrossing or Blackbridge, oh, forget the little details, the burly Scots chap who takes her on in the Commons, asks all the questions Corbyn’s handlers won’t even let him know exist? Yeah. Keep him up north. And the rest of them. Rebuild Hadrian’s Wall I say! Ha!”

But what about Caroline Lucas?

”Jesus wept, what sort of psycho are you? May would get eviscerated.”

Vince Cable?

”Get out! Sneaky bloody Libdems thought up the People’s Vote strategy. And he likes some facts that old man. If he hits her with a fact it’ll be like a rain shower on the wicked witch of the West.”

Clearly then leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition and world famous market gardener, Jeremy Corbyn, is the man for it?

”What’s the point? Seriously? A Brexiter debating a minor difference between two Brexits? Both cake and eat it fantasises? It’ll be a snooze fest, unless one of them loses their temper. Which is possible of course, if the other goes off the pre-approved script.”

So an empty chair it is then?

”Yep. Ms May is used to droning on pointlessly at a cabinet devoid of substance, so another bit of furnishing was thought the safest bet for her to repeat ‘the people are uniting behind my vision of warehousing the intentionally homeless with Brexit’ for an hour.”

That’s strange, I would have thought the whole idea of the so called debate was a pre-arranged plan behind closed doors between the Brexiters and the Lexiters to ram home to the British public that if they have to starve so two extremes can fight it out for an ideological insanity then so be it, there is no other choice.

“Oh bugger.”

What?

”I’ve got to cancel the chair and call Corbyn’s handlers.”

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God – “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity,” sneers Mogg

Monocle wearing Tory back bencher Jacob Rees-Mogg Thursday blasted Our Father in Heaven, the Omnipotent, All Knowing, All Powerful, Lord God Almighty as “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity who has signally failed to inspire belief in a majority of people on earth“.

“I don’t think he’s greatly respected,” he added pointing out that none of the miracles reported in the bible have been independently corroborated, and none of the predictions made have ever been demonstrated to have actually happened.

“Except possibly the second coming, for which I am of course far too modest to lay claim,” he smirked, adjusting his genuine felted beaver fur top hat.

“After all I’m the multi billionaire owner of a hedge fund and have had four books published, to the single tome credited to the ‘so called almighty‘,” he sneered.

Commenting on the ongoing Brexit debacle, Rees-Mogg rubbished the suggestion that the deal negotiated by Theresa May was capable of meeting the expectations of the British people who voted in favour of leaving the European Union.

“Only the full no-deal Brexit is capable of rending the veil of the temple in twain, heralding the return of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – suitably attired in hunting pink – unleashing the seven deadly plagues and emerging victorious from the final battle of Armageddon,” he explained, declining to comment on whether he was in any way related to the Biblical harbingers of apocalypse, characters Mogg and Magog.

However Rees-Mogg was quick to deny that he is either “the beast with seven heads, ten horns and ten crowns” or the beast with “horns like a lamb” and “marked with the number 666“.

“I think you’re confusing me with Michael Gove and Boris Johnson,” he purred fingering a bag of seven golden trumpets.

 

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The elephant in the room is preparing to take over government

The elephant in question has finally had enough of being tactfully ignored. It has grown to such a size that even Theresa May is having difficulty keeping it out of sight. The moment she looks it squarely in the eye is the moment her faltering leadership finally ends.

“My deal, no deal, or no Brexit!” squealed the Prime Minister, cornered and desperate. She has since denied acknowledging the elephant in a transparent attempt to replace the blinkers.

“We would be better off in the EU than if we left,” said Philip Hammond, carelessly letting the cat out of the bag. “Of course, what I really mean is that Brexit must happen but you won’t really notice its effect that much. Honest! Trust me, I’ve used so much creative accounting on the Impact Statements that you really wouldn’t think that Brexit is that bad.”

The elephant has been encouraged by the Brexit zoo. With Theresa May’s dead dog of a deal, the pigeon chess Brexiters, and the tiger economies licking their lips over the imminent chaos, the UK has clearly been sold a pup. The elephant proposes to trumpet its virtues, take the trunk route to the ivory tower, and clear all the bullshit out of Westminster. The cat is firmly among the pigeons.

As the elephant forces itself doggedly into plain sight, expect rats to leave the sinking ship. The likes of Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Nigel Farage and their nest-feathering chums will attempt to flea, only to be caught at the borders because they insisted that free movement must cease.

The effervescent elephant has denied any relationship with notorious Europhile elephants such as Babar, Nellie or Donald Tusk.

The elephant has promised a manifesto of cancelling Article 50 forthwith, prosecuting those responsible for criminal behaviour under the Brexit umbrella, and redistributing wealth more equitably.

The country is about to undergo a mammoth change.

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Arthur Daley hired to sell May’s Brexit deal

The brains behind Theresa May’s misselling strategy to get the great British public to swallow, without sugar, the toxic discharge of her Brexit WA and PD have hit today upon a sure fire way to con everyone into buying it.

“Who better to accompany Ms May on her around the U.K. sales trip than a infamous British automotive dealer of questionable quality second hand cars?” Mr Con Merchant, guiding strategist at Downing Street, told us, “it was actually Gove’s idea. Every bit of deceptive genius always is.”

How Ms May, famous for being strongest when working independently, will feel about being a double act is not yet clear.

”We will have Arthur Daley convince her himself and he’ll probably sell her one of Prescott’s old Jags while he’s at it,” Mr Merchant said, “and if things get sticky Terry can pop round and have a word in her ear, to the wise, like.”

Mr Daley himself has been unavailable for comment since the announcement, but is currently believed to be hiding in the gents of a boozer out of fear that Ms May is a disgruntled customer.

”We will get word to him that ‘er indoors has a Brexit bus going begging to be sold with a massive profit if it’s pulled off. That there are 17.4M suckers lined up to pay well over the odds for something that was clearly never going to work, and which anyone could find out for themselves if they only had access to Google. The world will be his oyster. He’ll be up for it.”

Brexit, a nice little earner, if you’re a currency trader, like say, half the government.

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May and Corbyn sign up for the next series of Leave Island

Lead Brexiter Theresa May and Brexiter-in-waiting Jeremy Corbyn have agreed to a televised love-in. Fans of the mysteriously popular Love Island are looking forward to the encounter.

It seems that Corbyn has always been willing, but May has previously turned down the opportunity. Now, with Brexit vanishing faster than UKIP’s credibility, May has succumbed in a valiant but ultimately futile attempt at relevance.

“It’s TV gold!” gushed Love Island producer Phil Mafufu. “One is a Leaver pretending to be a Remainer, and the other is a Remainer pretending to be a Leaver. Opposites attract, and I’m banking on fireworks! We’re doing a one-off rebrand as Leave Island to make it really stick in people’s craws too!”

It’s almost guaranteed. Judging by Prime Minister’s Questions, Corbyn gets hot and passionate once a week, and both leave the chamber fully satisfied.

There are some parameters to restrict their activity, as Mafufu explains. “Anything to do with the general public is off the table,” he said. “Both have indicated their unwillingness to be voted off the show. Corbyn wants a chance to be on top for a change. But May, whose U-turns were once legendary, now refuses to contemplate a change in her position.”

Normally an audience participation and elimination show has a limited shelf life, but this gambit changes everything.

“This show could run forever!” claims Mafufu. “Our viewers love the cut and thrust, the ins and outs, the constant striving for a climactic ending which never quite seems to happen. Well, they are both getting on a bit now.”

The only problem is the ratings. Who wants to watch a haggard old woman and a wrinkled old man going through the same old, tired, motions, week in, week out? Leave/Love Island is, as usual, promoting a series of big bangs and delivering a damp squib.

In her anxiety to get over the finishing line by any means possible, May has had to resort to extreme measures. Corbyn isn’t helping by keeping his mouth closed instead of putting her out of her misery.

Hopefully it will all end in an explosive anti-climax.

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Putin hails May’s Brexit deal as “Perfect”

Russian President for life (yours, probably), Vladimir Putin Tuesday hailed Theresa May’s Brexit agreement as “ideal for Russia”, and “the perfect culmination of years of work by heroic Russian backed trolls and sock puppets”.

The deal was approved on Sunday by all 27 EU heads of state but Putin pointed out that despite this unanimous approval nothing has actually been finalised other than the UK’s departure from the EU.

“The UK will leave the EU, but without any form of detailed agreement on terms,” he laughed pointing out that both sides are now guaranteed to be locked into decades of increasingly acrimonious disputes without any hope of a permanent resolution.

“Just like when we invaded east Ukraine by proxy in 2014, and South Ossetia in Georgia in 2008, we created conflicts which can never be resolved,” he grinned pointing out that earlier Russian interventions in the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia and the Moldovan region of Transnistria are also still festering nicely nearly three decades on.

“Never mind our clandestine take-over of the city of London and the UK’s entire banking system which also can never be resolved without collapsing the global financial infrastructure,” he smirked.

And with UK and EU, locked in a bitter and never ending struggle Mother Russia will be free to reclaim what is rightly hers – everything, explained a smirking Putin, politely declining to confirm where in Europe Russia plans destabilise and rend asunder next.

“Lithuania, Hungary, Scotland…. Brighton and Hove Albion….Europe is ours for the splitting – they’ll be far too busy arguing with our social media trolls about fishing quotas and the chemical definition of jam to even notice,” he sniggered.

“And if you don’t like it, well there are plenty more of your English cathedrals our “highly culturally educated” tourists would just love to visit,” he winked slyly.

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Mass hysteria as photo of how Elvis looks now hits social media

Mass hysteria and mass eye bleeds are reported AROUND THE WORLD as a photo of how Elvis Presley looks now hits social media and causes so much harm to the delicate balance of the Western Hemisphere it’s uncertain as we go to print how long it will take to restore.

”Wise men say this photo is the last thing the world needs now,” LCD Views icons correspondent reports, “the photo of Mr Presley, presumed deceased by a percentage of the global population since sometime in the 1970’s, and not by lunatics, has immediately hounded fans like a dog.”

The photo itself has only emerged in the last couple of hours and is causing people to not be able to help falling out of love with a figure once assumed untouchable.

”It’s certainly going to make for a blue Christmas in the Presley household, regardless of who is present,” our icons correspondent continues, “it can only be hoped blue snowflakes start falling the next time the resurrected Elvis “the pelvis” makes a surprise public appearance, so as to obscure camera lens and spare the world a repetition of a sight no one needs to see, as it’s enough to quench even the hottest burning love.”

But even as we go to print suspicious minds are asking if this image of a giant arse isn’t actually the famous rocker but the current president of the United States, Donald Trump, who with all due modesty recently compared himself in his dangerous, dementia revealing ramblings to Elvis Presley?

”If that is the case than I can only say the photo of 45rpm has been released by Mr Trump’s own people in an attempt to distract from today’s Manafort revelations and the increasing likelihood of the current occupier of the White House doing the jailhouse rock.”

 

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TV debate between May and Corbyn to be filmed in circus tent

The proposed Brexit TV debate between primed moral miniature Theresa May and professional placard holder Jeremy Corbyn is to be filmed in a circus tent, it was announced today and only to LCD Views.

”Although it’s still doubtful it will actually happen,” TV producer, Mr Apple Corer (In-Temple TV Productions), told us, “as Jeremy is insisting it should be filmed in an all red circus tent and May’s people are demanding it is held in a used sleeping bag up cycled to a tent to show how concerned she is with the plight of all the homeless people she’s intentionally creating with the most bastard cruel set of policies since transportation.”

Other details to be nailed down include how many burning trees to include on the stage, to symbolise Brexit’s impact on the Conservative Party and its logo, and whether or not John McDonnell will be allowed to streak across the stage flinging copies of Mao’s Little Red Book at the enemies he imagines he’s fighting in his perfect cultural revolution.

But what about criticisms that the debate will be pointless as it will just be between two Brexiters?

”That’s not fair,” Mr Apple Corer replied, “Jeremy promises he won’t mention Brexit once during the Brexit debate.”

And what about Ms May?

“She’s been upgraded to a tape recorder for the debate and will her only line will be “This is a great deal for Britain”. It will be voiced by the actor who did Davros to give her extra gravitas and play on a loop, regardless of what her partner in Brexit says.”

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Vegetarian restaurants legally required to include meat options

There have been a number of campaigns for equality in recent times but this latest promises to be the most divisive yet. As of December 2018 a new change in the law will require all vegetarian and vegan restaurants, cafes and other such establishments to include at least one item on their menus containing meat.

The Prime Minister herself made the announcement at a press conference that was itself announced as “nothing to do with Brexit, although of course, once we make a success of Brexit there will only be long pig on the menu anyway”. The absence of this topic from the discussion brought an expression to her face that on a human being might have been described as bordering on a smile.

“How many people have wanted to dine out,” she said, “only to be put off a restaurant by the absence of a meat option? As of next week that will no longer be an issue. We are fixing this loophole, as we did with the issue of civil partnerships for heterosexual couples.”

The move has caused a wide range of reactions from the public. One supporter, Connie Vorr, 29, welcomed it with open arms.

“It’s about time,” she said. “It’s like when you go out for a curry but there’s always one person in the group who can’t have anything spicy, they include a few English options just to cater for that, now this is just the same. Equality in action!”

Dissenters were equally vocal however. Vegan restaurant owner Reggie Farian, 56, said:

“It’s disgraceful! Vegetarian restaurants will be forever tainted with animal products now, which completely defeats the point of their existence! If we want to cook meat we’ll have to get in extra ovens specifically for it so as not to taint the rest of the kitchen! We’ll probably have to build an outer kitchen just for meat. It’s anarchy I tell you, sheer anarchy! We are starting a petition to get this law reversed right away!”

But defenders of the change were quick to point out:

“Now you meat eaters will know what it’s like. It’s already required by law that every single non-vegetarian restaurant must have one vegetarian dish on the menu and it can only ever be penne pasta. See how you feel always having to order a steak now when you’re in a vegetarian restaurant!”

The law comes into effect on December 1st, in time for those Christmas dinner bookings. Oh well, whichever restaurant you choose, bon apetit.

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52% of Falkland penguins vote to leave the UK

Northern Ireland can go whistle. Gibraltar has been sacrificed. Now the Falkland Islanders are getting a bit nervous about their future. As a result, a binary referendum has been held, and The Penguins want to Leave the UK.

The Referpenguin, as it is known, simply asked whether to remain part of the UK, or to leave. The Penguins voted with their happy feet, and glorious independence beckons.

“We want to regain control of our fish!” claimed ecstatic campaigner Nigel Farockhopper. Farockhopper, known to all and sundry as “Mr Fexit”, is the publicity-hungry but workshy face of the campaign. He describes himself as ‘just one of the Chicks’ and an ‘everyBird’. “No more restrictions,” he continued. “We are free to control our own destiny!”

Rumours of Argentinian intervention haunt Mr Farockhopper, however. Cynics believe that the powerful South Americans have been funding Farockhopper’s Fexit drive, as they have a vested interest in stirring up dissent in this little archipelago with powerful continental neighbours.

Few penguins in the public eye have dared to say much in the face of such powerful populism. There is, though, a growing campaign to overturn the Referpenguin and hold a Penguins’ Vote. This movement has a strong following on the local social media platform, Fishbook.

Trade is one of their biggest bugbears. “40% of our guano goes to the UK,” reads one post. “If we leave the UK without a deal, then this trade will cease, and thousands of penguins will have to go to South Georgia for a shit.”

It all seems rather fishy. Farockhopper simply brushed off all criticism with a wave of his flipper. “It will be the easiest deal in history!” he squawked. “Already, I am flying off to Easter Island, Gibraltar and Atlantis to seek out new markets for our guano. I’ll be a millionaire in no time!”

The idea of a strong foreign influence wreaking havoc in a small group of islands close to a large, dynamic continent is so ridiculous, it couldn’t possibly catch on anywhere else, could it?