Monocle wearing Tory back bencher Jacob Rees-Mogg Thursday blasted Our Father in Heaven, the Omnipotent, All Knowing, All Powerful, Lord God Almighty as “Just a second tier Middle Eastern deity who has signally failed to inspire belief in a majority of people on earth“.
“I don’t think he’s greatly respected,” he added pointing out that none of the miracles reported in the bible have been independently corroborated, and none of the predictions made have ever been demonstrated to have actually happened.
“Except possibly the second coming, for which I am of course far too modest to lay claim,” he smirked, adjusting his genuine felted beaver fur top hat.
“After all I’m the multi billionaire owner of a hedge fund and have had four books published, to the single tome credited to the ‘so called almighty‘,” he sneered.
Commenting on the ongoing Brexit debacle, Rees-Mogg rubbished the suggestion that the deal negotiated by Theresa May was capable of meeting the expectations of the British people who voted in favour of leaving the European Union.
“Only the full no-deal Brexit is capable of rending the veil of the temple in twain, heralding the return of the four horsemen of the apocalypse – suitably attired in hunting pink – unleashing the seven deadly plagues and emerging victorious from the final battle of Armageddon,” he explained, declining to comment on whether he was in any way related to the Biblical harbingers of apocalypse, characters Mogg and Magog.
However Rees-Mogg was quick to deny that he is either “the beast with seven heads, ten horns and ten crowns” or the beast with “horns like a lamb” and “marked with the number 666“.
“I think you’re confusing me with Michael Gove and Boris Johnson,” he purred fingering a bag of seven golden trumpets.