Northern Ireland can go whistle. Gibraltar has been sacrificed. Now the Falkland Islanders are getting a bit nervous about their future. As a result, a binary referendum has been held, and The Penguins want to Leave the UK.
The Referpenguin, as it is known, simply asked whether to remain part of the UK, or to leave. The Penguins voted with their happy feet, and glorious independence beckons.
“We want to regain control of our fish!” claimed ecstatic campaigner Nigel Farockhopper. Farockhopper, known to all and sundry as “Mr Fexit”, is the publicity-hungry but workshy face of the campaign. He describes himself as ‘just one of the Chicks’ and an ‘everyBird’. “No more restrictions,” he continued. “We are free to control our own destiny!”
Rumours of Argentinian intervention haunt Mr Farockhopper, however. Cynics believe that the powerful South Americans have been funding Farockhopper’s Fexit drive, as they have a vested interest in stirring up dissent in this little archipelago with powerful continental neighbours.
Few penguins in the public eye have dared to say much in the face of such powerful populism. There is, though, a growing campaign to overturn the Referpenguin and hold a Penguins’ Vote. This movement has a strong following on the local social media platform, Fishbook.
Trade is one of their biggest bugbears. “40% of our guano goes to the UK,” reads one post. “If we leave the UK without a deal, then this trade will cease, and thousands of penguins will have to go to South Georgia for a shit.”
It all seems rather fishy. Farockhopper simply brushed off all criticism with a wave of his flipper. “It will be the easiest deal in history!” he squawked. “Already, I am flying off to Easter Island, Gibraltar and Atlantis to seek out new markets for our guano. I’ll be a millionaire in no time!”
The idea of a strong foreign influence wreaking havoc in a small group of islands close to a large, dynamic continent is so ridiculous, it couldn’t possibly catch on anywhere else, could it?