An opinion poll, based on a sample of 65m UK citizens, has revealed that the only person in the country who still believes in Brexit is Theresa May herself.
The poll was conducted via social media, principally Twitter. Everyone in the country was given the opportunity to vote, using the YouTwit app. Cheaper, and therefore better, than a referendum, the result was unexpected.
In the end, 65m people responded. “That means everyone voted,” claims completely and absolutely unbiased pollster Holden Hands. “The only response in favour of Brexit was electronically traced to a bunker under 10 Downing Street, and came from a mobile phone belonging to the Prime Minister.”
This comes in the wake of erstwhile Brexit Secretary, Dominic “Raabit in the headlights” Raab, declaring that the UK would be better off in the EU. Here is the real Brexit Dividend. There is more rejoicing in Britain over one Brexiter who repents than 99 who were always Remainers.
Brexiters are now falling faster than autumn leavers. The bare bones of Brexit are exposed to the harsh winds of reality, leaving a mouldy mess of rotting leavers on the streets.
“We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” said May mechanically, for the millionth time today, convincing nobody but herself. As platitude followed platitude, seasoned with a series of lame, tired slogans, it became clear May was going through the motions. Much like a walker trampling through fallen leaves concealing nuggets of dog poo.
The only ray of hope came from the Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn. A man who has sat on the fence for so long that the splinters have become permanently incorporated into his buttocks, he refused to either praise or condemn May. “We must deliver on the result of the referendum,” he read from a pamphlet entitled The Collected Speech Of Theresa May. “But her deal fails our six tests, so I don’t really know any more. Sorry.”
Everyone knows Brexit is an abject failure now. Only one issue remains. Who the hell’s going to tell Theresa?