The shocking news has come in the wake of revelations that Bridgen is considered “thick as mash” by his colleagues. Now his constituency wants to be represented instead by the popular jacket potato outlet.
Mr Potato Head has had his chips. Bridgen is now sulking because a vote didn’t go his way, and he is threatening to vote against his own government, and his own Brexit, in revenge. To the good citizens of North-West Brexitshire, this is a Bridgen too far. He who pays the Maris Piper calls the tune.
So in future, the shop famous for selling baked potatoes will replace the shit famous for selling half-baked policies.
LCD Views was fortunate enough to speak to the manager of Spud-U-Like’s Ashby-de-la-Zouch branch, Stu Piddity. “It’s a great honour for the branch,” he remarked. “Of course, the shop will not be able to attend at Westminster, but we are thinking of opening a satellite franchise in the Members’ Lobby to provide tasty, nutritious snacks for our hard-pressed MPs.”
How will that work in practice, then, if the admittedly animate Bridgen has been replaced with an inanimate building? “Simple,” replied Piddity. “The shop will receive a live stream via some technological gizmo, YouTuber, or some such. Then the shop will vote by sending one spud for yes, two spuds for no.”
One potato, two potato? “Yeah, that’s right,” said Piddity. “No use being thin-skinned about it. Incidentally, did you know that the skin is the best part of a baked potato? Full of moral fibre.”
Piddity also revealed that he has been asked to provide a plate of mashed potato to feature on this week’s Have I Got News For You. Keep your eyes peeled for that.
So there you have it. We have reached peak Little England. At least a jacket potato is full of tasty goodness, as opposed to the empty shell that is Andrew Bridgen.