Category: Brexit

A STITCH IN TIME : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to solve the fuel crisis afflicting Britain by employing one of his standard tactics.

It’s believed the plan involves messing up his hair and standing outside 10 Downing Street pretending he’s just walked Dylin.

“He regrets getting that hair cut,” a source inside 10 Downing Street tells LCD Views. “He could do with being able to produce a mess as big as the country at the moment. No one will think he’s capable of overseeing such a rapid deterioration in the UK’s standard of living so far if he’s got messy hair. I mean, he’s so harmless!

Other techniques will also be tried to stop the panic buying, which bafflingly to all seems to represent a loss of public trust in Boris Johnson’s government.

“He’s going to promise that everything will be better tomorrow, we just have to believe,” the source explains. “It’s classic Johnson. It’s always a lovely day tomorrow while today is always provably worse than yesterday. Tomorrow never comes, if you like. It works wonders.”

Government insiders are keen for the PM to “get a grip” on the senses of panic in the United Kingdom and “choose a fall guy” for the current calamity amongst ministers.

“We do need to get the fuel panic out of the way fast,” the source admits. “God only knows what problem Brexit will cause next week and there’s only so many times he can muss up his blonde locks before he needs a stiff drink and a good long rest.”

WE HAVE OUR BEST PEOPLE WORKING ON IT : 10 Downing Street has announced an extensive review of the “monumental” body of research compiled by the publicly subsidised European Research Group.

The ERG became famous in the years before Brexit for the intensity of its study into the relationship between the UK and the EU, and it is expected that they will have anticipated and solved all the problems now afflicting the UK.

“The ERG was composed of some of the finest minds the UK government has produced,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The cladding on their intelligence is phenomenal. Nothing gets in that they don’t want to. No fact. No semblance of reality can enter. In fact some of them are so dense between the ears that light bends around them. We expect this stellar quality will mean they had an unfettered imagination and will have foreseen and solved the many crises the pingdemic has caused Brexit. Which otherwise would have been completely successful.”

Where 10 Downing Street will turn if there aren’t any answers in the ERG papers is not yet clear, but it’s thought blaming the EU will satisfy most, regardless of outcomes.

“It’s impossible to imagine that Rees-mogg, Bridgen, Francois and other heavyweights won’t have already predicted and sorted out the supply chain crisis. Christmas will be saved. And if it isn’t the Prime Minister will simply unleash the bubonic plague so we can blame that. The most important thing is no one says that Brexit was the stupidest thing any country has done in living memory.”

While the public waits for the papers to give up their illuminations it is important that NO ONE PANICS.

Just because no one smart enough to do Brexit would, doesn’t mean that the people who did it are complete and utter idiots. Some of them are extremely successful vulture capitalists.

ARTS AND CRAFTS : The future of UK trade is secure today after British Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced he had joined a world beating free trading bloc.

Hot on the heels of despair and ignominy in the United States, that even the state broadcasting and propaganda service could not fully conceal, the PM is said to have “rolled up his sleeves” and taken a nap. Once the afternoon snooze was over he “rolled his sleeves up even higher” and got “completely plastered on some excellent vintages”.

The drinking is believed to be key to the trade bloc success as it “Provided the raw materials needed to construct it. Although the paint to paint little people on the side doing trade was domestically sourced”.

Of course building a new free trade association out of empty wine crates is a radical move but this is a radical Prime Minister. No one before has lied to the Queen and gotten away with it. Just think what he will achieve next!

“The new trade alliance will allow Downing Street to continue with the ramped up post Brexit economic strategy of paying industries Brexit is killing to shut up, while spending taxpayers money on international jollies,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We would like to invite the USA, Canada, Vietnam, Chile, New Zealand, Easter Island, Russia, well everyone really, to apply to join. Liz Truss is hanging by the telephone for your call.”

The new trading bloc has an apt name too that draws on the economic revolution that is occurring in the United Kingdom post Brexit.

“Members of the failing, tyrannical EU super state are welcome to free themselves of the bloc’s red tape and join us,” the source invites. “There are two sets of rules in our new association. Which one applies to you will be determined by your wealth at birth. Make us happy by doing our dirty work and we’ll give you a peerage too. It’s very exciting.”

The name of the free trade association is sure to excite.

“We’ve called it Free United Kingdom Demands International Trade,” the source beams. “Or F U K D I T for short. We believe it encapsulates the wins delivered by Brexit.”

FIDDLING AS ROME BURNS: World beating gaslighter Boris Johnson is pumping out hot air again. In a fine speech he insisted that fellow world leaders should take action instead of making fine speeches. 

“Fine speeches butter no parsnips!” he bellowed, coherently for once. “My parsnip is well buttered and oven ready! Slam in the lamb! Get the toad in the hole! Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we go again!” 

World leaders glanced at their translations in delight, as it seemed that Johnson was treating them to a cookery class this time. 

“What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!” he continued. “Beware, my friends, your goose may be cooked, and the turkeys have voted for Christmas!” 

This was a very meaty speech. It was nothing to do with the energy crisis, but very entertaining. 

“Energy is a slippery customer, like a greased pig!” Johnson was hitting his stride now. He recognised the smiles on the faces of his audience. Encouraged, he carried on hungrily. “Out of the frying pan, into the fire! When the chips are down, there’s no point crying over spilt milk! This is no time to be mutton dressed as lamb! We must stop the gravy train, get on with the bread and butter!” 

This was splendid, vintage stuff. Numerous delegates were visibly salivating now. 

“You take the biscuit!” he continued. “Let them eat cake! The world is our oyster! Boiled beef and carrots! This is a trifle. Time to get our teeth into it! Fillet steak, rare, six bottles of champagne, and charge it to Macron!” 

He stumbled down to rapturous applause from the hungry crowd. 

“So what are you doing about the crisis?” asked an intrepid reporter backstage. 

“Do? I’ve just done my bit,” replied Johnson. “Now where’s the buffet?” 

There’s no gas, but plenty of gaslighting. 

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR : The world beating United Kingdom government has today ramped up preparations for the first Brexit winter.

Work has been happening in the heart of Downing Street to ensure Britons fully experience what a minority voted for in a rigged, illegally influenced national opinion poll won on outright lies some years back. And that work is now baring its teeth.

“Candlelit vigils are out,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not only will the ban allow us to get closer to achieving our climate change goals it will also mean Britons have heat and lighting through winter. Well. Some of winter. Probably.”

The ban on use of candles will last until Christmas with the UK’s manure smeared, tumbled haystack of governance, Boris Johnson, due to light a candle on the steps of 10 Downing Street on Christmas Eve to end the ban.

“Christmas will be saved,” the Downing Street source confirms. “You remember that classic British novel A Christmas Carol? You recall the Cratchit’s? Your Christmas will be like theirs, before Scrooge has his watershed moment. It’ll be great. Your PM’s Christmas will be like Scrooge’s just without the revelations or character development. It’ll be great too.”

Anyone caught holding a candlelit vigil will be prosecuted to the full extend of the law. It’s not clear what the crime will be yet, but they’ll be sure to make up one when its needed.

“If I were you I would not do anything but subserviently accept the ongoing deterioration in your living standards,” the source advised. “Go quietly into that good night. Go gentle. Mr Johnson must be seen to be a great Prime Minister. That is all that matters. That’s why schools are riddled with the virus. That’s why we’re using your money to pay off failing industries rather than acknowledge the failure is Brexit. To upset his apple cart would break the national delusion that it can not happen here. Because it can’t. Because we’re British.”

Exceptional.

FRIENDS IN NEED : The Department for Levelling Up has demonstrated today that it takes its mission seriously with the announcement that it has applied to Brussels for EU redevelopment funding.

The delipidated state of the United Kingdom has been a growing concern since 2010 with everyone baffled as to what has been going wrong. Most careful consideration would lead to suspecting the European Union is to blame as everyone knows that without UK cash it is finished. Well, it’s time to give something back.

It’s not clear who exactly signed off the request, although as the Department is now being run by Michael Gove, he is in the frame as having the “brass neck for it”.

To help the EU agree to fund the “levelling up” of the UK domestic media will run unusually abusive stories about Brussels with the French getting some heavy treatment, just because.

“The EU has to ask itself if it really wants a raging bin fire just off its coast?” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “It’ll be very embarrassing for the European Union to be seen to be giving the UK a punishment beating by not paying to rectify the damage of over a decade of Tory policies. That sort of churlishness will not recommend the bloc to new members.”

Voices suggesting that tax havens should cough up the cash will thankfully be ignored.

“We can’t use British taxpayers cash to level up the United Kingdom,” the source explains. “British tax payer money is needed in the bank accounts of British territories that provide tax efficient services. Brussels must pay for our schools, roads, water, health and really everything or they risk missing out on the vital UK food bank market.”

Lord Frost is expected to support Mr Gove’s request by going to Brussels with a full nappy and running around the European Parliament with it screaming incoherently about wanting a toy truck for Christmas that comes “with a HGV driver”.

BRING A LONG SPOON : The Institute for Fascist Economics, a key supporter of both Brexit and the UK government, has used its daily time slot on the BBC breakfast programmes to promote the advantages of increasing food insecurity in the United Kingdom.

“Less is more,” Random Attractive Young Woman Chosen To Appeal To Sex Starved Ageing Gammon told viewers of Sunday morning chat show ‘Breaking the Fast’, presented by Any Number of Conservative Party Members Placed Into The Beeb To Further Satan’s Agenda.

RAYWCTATSSAG went on to enlarge on the subject, looking directly into the camera.

“In the old days when Britain was an empire wives would use all the imagination available to them to cook nutritious meals from a peace of dried bacon rind found on the street and the dust they swept up in the hall. It took imagination to wow your family and guests. But in recent years, due to the food tyranny of the unelected bureaucrats in the EU, British kitchens have suffered from a famine of the mind. It’s been far too easy to take control of British sovereign waters by lulling everyone into a stupor with a stable and high quality food chain. Now sovereignty has returned to British kitchens and it is the patriotic duty of housewives to make the most of it. Like sovereignty itself, cooking is all in the mind.”

RAYWCTATSSAG went on to suggest that the empty shelves and the coming famine would see “British cooks become world leaders in traditional British dishes such as ‘The Neighbours’ and ‘The Pets’. The current supply chain issues are the fault of the EU anyway, so Britons have to make the best of it and draw lots like shipwrecked sailors.”

The pro-Brexit Think Tank went on to suggest that “Once a snappy slogan is thought up you’ll all feel much happier about all of it”, before changing subject and suggesting it was time to “Privatise the NHS to improve patient care.”

TAKE IT : The United Kingdom government is to drive forward its agenda of governing solely for the satisfaction of elderly Farage fans, as a way of hiding robbing the state blind, by criminalising “being young”.

While the decision to outlaw being born in the 21st century has been expected for some time, criticisms have been levelled at the new overarching laws.

In particular Tory MPs appear to be concerned the new law doesn’t go far enough. To see that it does a group have formed called the “Youth Research Group” or YRG, who will do no actual research and be taxpayer funded for the privilege.

“We don’t have to do any research because we know it all already,” a spokesman for the YRG told LCD Views. “The young need to be given the certainty of their place in a rapidly changing world and know that the place is the 1930’s. Anyone who rebels can be sentenced to farm work, hospitality, haulage and so on. Anywhere there is a labour shortage.”

But all is not as it appears as there will be a range of exemptions for right thinking young people.

“Members of the Conservative Youth will be exempt from the new laws. This will help embed in them the divine right to rule so they can then punish the future generations of youth when they assume their rightful place in government.”

Clearly the law will not be a surprise to most as a brief examination of what has happened to the country since the weird as fuck nostalgia act that is Johnson’s premiership began.

“If you want to see where we will go next just examine any UKIP manifesto. That’s who we’re governing for and the rest of you can go swing. Go swing? There’s an idea.”

A round of applause will be held for the Brexiters and Lexiters who helped us arrive at this exciting new departure from reality as Johnson couldn’t have done it without them.

“The young are advised to join in the applause of the laws which criminalise them or they’ll be in the dock faster than you can pay for a banana in pre-decimal currency.”

GAS LIT NATION : DOWNING STREET is privately seeking a solution to why it can’t pull the wool over the eyes of those wily Continentals in the same way as a lot of this island’s population.

The ability to hoodwink, con, confuse, rob blind, kill by negligence and serially abuse the UK’s voters has been the secret to Tory success for a long time, the voters just keep coming back for more. But Brexit is showing the UK largely impotent in Europe.

“Eurovision should have been a head’s up I guess,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But we’ve been so busy with our heads down, noses in the trough we didn’t pay attention to the warnings.”

While the mystery will be solved, because we’re British, and we believe ourselves exceptional, it has come as a shock.

“We have about the worst pandemic death stats on Earth. We are underfunding and selling off all public services, while raising taxes to enrich ourselves and our mates. We’re trashing our trade networks. We’re leaving our health workers at risk not only from the virus, but exhaustion and cranks. The list goes on and on. And we’re still getting away with it. Why? Why aren’t people rioting? Why aren’t all opposition politicians simply joining as one bloc to demand we leave office, day in and day out, until we’re dragged out? Why does the Queen not intervene to stop us? We lied to her face. We’re superhuman super villains at home but useless as tits on a bull abroad. We need to find out why so we can completely trash Europe too.”

While the search for the answer goes on a “steady as she goes” policy will be maintained. This will provide strong and stable government and avoid the sort of chaos the British public has pragmatically avoided in four successive GE’s now, even as everything around them slowly turned to a pot of boiling piss. And we all know who’s pissing in the pot.