Category: Brexit

GAS LIT NATION : DOWNING STREET is privately seeking a solution to why it can’t pull the wool over the eyes of those wily Continentals in the same way as a lot of this island’s population.

The ability to hoodwink, con, confuse, rob blind, kill by negligence and serially abuse the UK’s voters has been the secret to Tory success for a long time, the voters just keep coming back for more. But Brexit is showing the UK largely impotent in Europe.

“Eurovision should have been a head’s up I guess,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But we’ve been so busy with our heads down, noses in the trough we didn’t pay attention to the warnings.”

While the mystery will be solved, because we’re British, and we believe ourselves exceptional, it has come as a shock.

“We have about the worst pandemic death stats on Earth. We are underfunding and selling off all public services, while raising taxes to enrich ourselves and our mates. We’re trashing our trade networks. We’re leaving our health workers at risk not only from the virus, but exhaustion and cranks. The list goes on and on. And we’re still getting away with it. Why? Why aren’t people rioting? Why aren’t all opposition politicians simply joining as one bloc to demand we leave office, day in and day out, until we’re dragged out? Why does the Queen not intervene to stop us? We lied to her face. We’re superhuman super villains at home but useless as tits on a bull abroad. We need to find out why so we can completely trash Europe too.”

While the search for the answer goes on a “steady as she goes” policy will be maintained. This will provide strong and stable government and avoid the sort of chaos the British public has pragmatically avoided in four successive GE’s now, even as everything around them slowly turned to a pot of boiling piss. And we all know who’s pissing in the pot.

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP THEM : The UK’s greatest unelected bureaucrat Lord Frost has decided to hit the EU WHERE IT HURTS today to teach them a lesson about their intransigence.

Utilising a full page spread in the official Conservative Party newspaper, The Telegraph, the PEER OF THE REALM told Brussels that all exports of English Sparkling Wine were now BANNED until they “REALISED THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM”.

The decision to target the ban on bubbles is thought to be based on the well known love of the FRENCH TO DRINK CHAMPAGNE.

“If they don’t watch it we will ban fried Mars Bars next, which will also be a warning shot to the Scots,” Lord Frost wrote. “I’ve half a mind to just deny the EU even exists until it realises that because I’M A LORD they have to do what I tell them to, just like the peasants at home.”

Brussels is yet to respond to the TOUGH NEW ACTION and is reported by British media to be in a “frenzy of laughter” to conceal their true feelings.

“Brussels needs to understand they will be forever negotiating and renegotiating Brexit so long as Boris Johnson is SUPREME LEADER in the United KINGDOM. They don’t even have kingdom in their name. How they hell do they expect to be treated as equals by a nimble SOVEREIGN POWER?”

Some domestic critics have queried though why Lord FROST employed the caps lock so frequently in a column that appears to be largely written for a DOMESTIC AUDIENCE.

“Our spies tell us some in Brussels can read ENGLISH,” a 10 Downing Street SOURCE told LCD VIEWS. “But we all know Johnny Foreigner is dashed awful at understanding the Queen’s language unless it is SHOUTED. This is the only OLIVE BRANCH they’re going to get.”

For his part the Prime Minister is said to be thrilled at Lord Frost’s latest toddler tantrum and hopes to hear from the White House again soon.

“He doesn’t care that Biden only has a staffer phone up to tell him to zip it. Any attention is better than no attention at all.”

Domestic consumers are not expected to increase their consumption of English Sparkling Wine to compensate for lost exports as there’s NO BLOODY TRUCK DRIVERS TO DELIVER IT to stores.

MAD MAX DYSTOPIAN HELLSCAPE : Downing Street has offered welcome support today for Transport Secretary Grant Shapps, and by extension the entire cabinet.

The Transport Secretary has been receiving incoming fire over his decision to make the UK’s motorways arguably much less safe, rather than admit Brexit was a mistake. In particular his decision to reverse regulations covering HGV driving licences. The most eye catching part of which is getting rid of the boring parts like how to reverse or actually uncouple one of the giant road trains from itself.

“Drivers won’t need to know how to reverse or uncouple trailers,” Shapps is reported to have said. “The sheer momentum of two HGV’s driven by barely trained, inexperienced drivers will see them reverse once they slam head first into one another in some ghastly accident in a small town involving a mother and a pram or some cockapoodle. That will do the uncoupling too.”

It all makes perfect sense. But of course enemies of the people, who stop at nothing to undermine Brexit, have gone all nanny state on Shapps. Happily for Mr Shapps the PM has his back.

“Shapps? Is it Shapps? Is that what he’s called these days? Is that the Transport Secretary?” a spokesman said on behalf of the Prime Minister Boris Johnson. “Great chap. Just magnificent. Team player. The heel on the Achilles of freight.”

Other contorted classical references followed in what has been described as a “a semi-trailer of confidence in the Transport Secretary by someone rumoured to be perpetually hammered”.

It is hoped that the mere mentioning of Mr Shapps’ name by the PM will be enough to shut up the general public and set aside their worries over dying avoidably in an horrific accident.

“Look we’ve given up all standards in controlling pandemics,” the spokesman added, “look at the sterling work of Truss! No standards in trade negotiations! Ha! What’s a hospital? Whatever Sajid wants it to be. Education? I mean come on, let’s be serious, Williamson? Everywhere you look you see evidence of red tape being cut. Take Afghanistan! The motorways may become less safe but that’s a price worth paying for Brexit. And besides, Tory MPs go everywhere by helicopter so it is frankly unpatriotic to moan about the risk of the bodies piling high on motorways. It’s a price worth paying for Brexit.”

To be fair to Downing Street, the rolling back of regulations covering dozens of tonnes of potential death travelling at high speed is in keeping with what the country expects of its Prime Ministers these days.

“No standards anymore. None at all. Complete laughing stock. The people voted in 2010, 2015, 2016, 2017 and 2019 to abandon all and every standard of governance. The weakening of HGV licences are what they wanted.”

EVERY LITTLE HELPS : 10 Downing Street is now bored of the endless headlines about the supply side crisis and the social media posts of empty supermarket shelves, and they’re doing something about it.

“We’ve basically copied and pasted our work on HGV licences,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re relaxing the rules on what is food. I mean, what is food really? It’s essentially a philosophical question. A existential question. A metaphorical question. A mystery. One of those. I’ll get Raab to answer it.”

The relaxation will make it easier for supermarkets to fill their shelves again.

“Say your local big Tesco gets a massive order of cat litter? Bingo! As much porridge as you want. Genius. That kindling you see for starting wood burners? You’d be surprised how soft small shards of wood become when you boil them for a long time. A really long time. Can’t find your favourite brand of tea? Have you thought about a burnt newspaper substitute? All it will really take is a little imagination and Global Britons will be filling their bellies with any old shit we find laying around.”

It’s not expected that there will be any negative consequences from the relaxation over food standards.

“No one will be getting an upset stomach. Don’t worry about that. The way things are going the Brexit tax rises will see you foraging for your meals and feeling right proud about it.”

Clearly dog food and cat food will be in high demand as sandwich fillers. Baby wipes as wraps. Cardboard will make excellent pasta sheets. There’s nothing to worry about.

“We should have a banquet on the White Cliffs of Dover and laugh at the Continent,” the source adds. “Clearly the Prime Minister won’t be in attendance. He has to wait in for that luxury food hamper the Tory donor sends him. But we’ll dredge up some nodding dog from the backbenches to go and celebrate it.”

Global Britain? Standards? What standards? Standards about food are for people who lack belief in food. Believe in food, just like people believed in Brexit.

THEY MAKE IT ALL UP WHY CAN’T WE : Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab is no stranger to getting his hands dirty at work and at play and today he’s (fictionally) waded into the debate over how much sewage should we discharge onto ourselves? Which is of course another of the foreseen Brexit benefits.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about?” he said, having not really understood anything for years. “If you don’t like swimming with sewage swim in your swimming pool at home. Or at your club? There’s plenty of choices. You don’t have to swim at Scarborough Beach or any of the other beaches in Cornwall. People should be prouder anyway. Ignoring just how shit everything is and carrying on regardless, while it gets worse, is what will make Boris Johnson’s time in 10 Downing Street a success. Just look at Brexit and the pandemic? Keep clapping. Ignore the filth on your palms and CLAP HARDER. REALLY PUT YOURSELF INTO IT AND LAUGH AS THE SCAT COVERS YOUR CHEEKS. IT’S HOW I GET THROUGH THE WEEK. Sorry. Did I pass out? My heart is beating so fast I think blood must have rushed to my brain cell.”

The choice to defend the plan to cover ourselves in our own scat is believed to be rooted in the truth of Brexit itself. At first it was metaphorical, now it is actual. Just as predicted by anyone who spent thirty seconds on Google in 2016. You didn’t actually have to be an expert, just able to read something that wasn’t obviously shit printed to promote shit to cover you in shit while someone else laughs in the shadows and converts your shit experience into cash.

“Who has time to swim anyway? Me? I’m flat out working out where to go on holiday most of the time. If you’re really upset just follow my example and fly to somewhere cleaner. It’s why I only swim in the Mediterranean when I’m staying on Crete.”

FEET OF CLAY : DOWNING STREET has the solution to the problems plaguing post-Brexit Britain and it is going to enact it.

The watershed moment came during a drinking session at Chequers yesterday, where the Prime Minister is said to have gone to recover from his latest holiday. The event started out as an innocent time “getting lathered before lunch” as standard but took a serious turn when the risk to turkeys this Christmas was mentioned.

“The Prime Minister himself nailed it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He realised that all the problems causing Brexit to baulk where a result of overweening EU red tape. Before Brexit we had a powerful, even leading voice in Europe and could have done something about it. The nuclear option being our veto. But the EU tricked us into giving up the veto so it could get Brexit done. He’s going to call them out on it.”

Once the veto is returned it will allow Mr Johnson to cease “boring himself silly thinking about reading up on how the EU works” and just solve all the problems at a stroke.

“We’re going to call it Operation Gordian Knot. This is mostly for the classical reference but also because of the speed with which the problems of lack of workers and failing crops will be solved. The PM will just cut right through all the nonsense. He’ll be able to bring the same complete disregard for legal agreements to the functioning of the EU and third parties.”

The return of the UK’s veto over EU will also “drag the EU” back to the reality of the relative power of the half a billion people that comprise it and the mighty British lion.

“The EU will come to heel,” the source adds. “It’s only a matter of time. The veto will be returned giving us the exact same benefits as membership, but without any of the tiresome responsibilities. After all, they need us more than we need them.”

BOTTOMS UP : Several minor problems are to be crossed off the UK’s to-do list this week now that the beer supply crisis has finally arrived.

There were concerns that the German Automotive Sector would have to be blamed for the staffing issues in the UK’s world leading hospitality sector, but thankfully the supply chain crisis has intervened to spare their blushes.

Wetherspoons is the first to feel the burn of a loss of beer with the karma police arresting Tim Martin late last night. Other prominent, private sector Brexiters will presumably follow in what has been reported as the worst case of “joint enterprise” seen in the UK for a very long time.

Downing Street is upbeat over the beer shortage, confident that so long as the majority of the UK media continue to spin and support Mr Johnson the polling will hold steady. Further encouragement is taken from the official opposition’s vow of silence on Brexit at the leadership level, because validating Brexit worked out even better for former leader Jeremy Corbyn, than agreeing for the need for austerity worked out for the leader before him. Worked out for the Tories that is. The inability to understand the need to tackle the incumbents on highly contentious issues does help explain why Labour has only been in power for 20 of the last 100 years. Steady as she goes. The face eating leopard party thanks you for your political naivety.

“Workers in the hospitality industry were in short supply and high demand,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Happily now there is no food and no drink to serve to patrons, so the businesses can close and the workers go and train to be HGV drivers. This shows you how we will easily navigate Brexit. Much in the way of a debt junky using new credit cards to pay off old with the amount borrowed rapidly increasing to unsustainable levels and bankruptcy.”

The public are reassured though that there is currently no risk to the supply of food and drink at the Palace of Westminster and their elective representatives will be able to access subsidised, high quality food and alcohol even while their catastrophic failures see them enjoying summer holidays abroad.

KARMA POLICE : Catastrophic scenes across the United Kingdom this week as the tyrannical EU takes aim at the beating heart of Brexit cultural life by throttling beer supplies to Wetherspoons.

It’s not entirely clear why Tim Martin ever supported Brexit, given his business model, with the only viable working hypothesis being he figured it would allow the Tories to crush workers’ rights and corporate tax rates. Which is an understandable motivation of course and the rest of us can go to Hell. The personal blowback on Mr Martin won’t have been factored in, but then no one would have thought the EU would be so intractable regarding legal arrangements, given they need us more than we need them.

There is an understandable argument to bring the army in to secure beer supplies for the Brexit churches, but that alone may not be enough to stabilise the situation, given there’s not enough army after 11 years of thick as two planks Tory austerity.

“An expert in finding anything you like is called for,” a representative for Wetherspoons told LCD Views. “This is why we are seeking the assistance of Dido Harding. She famously ensured the pandemic in the U.K. was only the worst on Earth. She can find the beer.”

The budget for the stale ale track and trace system will be publicly funded, as using taxpayer cash to reward political allies is par for course for Johnson’s government.

“Whatever happens with beer supplies you can be guaranteed the involvement of Harding will ensure public cash ends up in the right coffers,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Mr Martin has one full support over this crisis no one could ever have foreseen.”

TASTING THE BENEFITS OF BREXIT : It’s with surprise that esteemed parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg’s prediction that food and clothing would become significantly cheaper post Brexit is wrong. The shockwaves are reverberating.

The surprise is doubled given the reputation for accuracy Brexiters have. They are essentially all superforecasters and not deceitful shitebergs who only showed the tip of their shiteberginess during the years leading up to the UK freeing itself from Brussels.

But while food shortages and price hikes will now become normal it’s not all bad. There are tangible benefits to be tasted.

“Food is to become a must have luxury symbol,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Something we’re all very proud of. Imagine one of your political donors buying you the edible equivalent of a new Ferrari each and every day? People will be sooooo jealous.”

Of course the reinvention of food as a luxury commodity is already secure for millions of British men, women and children.

“We’ve been striving tirelessly since 2010 to make food something with a certain cache. The massive growth in the food bank sector is proof of the strides we’ve taken. This is why so many Tory MPs proudly do photo shoots at food banks. Celebrate your achievements. Publicise them. Thanks to Brexit we can extend these wins to cover the mass of people on our island.”

People will be encouraged to strive for food like never before as Brexit teething problems become the new normal.

“Just imagine the jealously your family and friends, neighbours and work mates will have to conceal when they see you having lunch? Once you would have had to get a massive house and a sports car, but because of Brexit all you will soon need to do is go grocery shopping.”

Brexit, if it were edible, you’d choke on it.

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Fantastic news today for British voters worried about the sinking standards in public life with the release of the exhaustive list of MPs willing to take responsibility for the calamity that is Brexit.

“It’s not just Brexiters, famous Lexiters were also asked to step up to the plate, given that their plans were almost indistinguishable from Brexiters, just spun as more cuddly,” a Westminster correspondent told LCD Views. “And their validation of the concept of departure from Europe was, and remains, as batshit crazy as the Brexiters. Just more confusing, given all the rights membership conferred on people just because they were people. And not because of their bank balances.”

It’s understood no less a man than Prime Minister Boris Johnson decided to compile the list after the news finally reported some negative blowback from the campaign he championed, and not just the news in Europe.

“Mr Johnson was the first to hold the blank paper in his hand and think about signing it,” the correspondent continues, “before passing it along to the next MP.”

The aim of the list is to promote the idea of salary sacrifice among MPs to help towards the increasing costs of hiring HGV drivers.

“Basically it’s about wealth redistribution from the people who stuffed up the country to the people who somehow have to cope with that. You can guarantee the Brexiters won’t know how to fix what they’ve broken. They didn’t know what it was they were breaking in the first place.”

The list will be published on all major news sources so Brits can see MPs set up to the plate in meaningful ways and attempt to make amends for the calamity they’ve delivered.

“It’s an oven ready list,” the correspondent confirms, “may as well just set fire to the paper now and be done with it.”