FRIENDS IN NEED : The Department for Levelling Up has demonstrated today that it takes its mission seriously with the announcement that it has applied to Brussels for EU redevelopment funding.
The delipidated state of the United Kingdom has been a growing concern since 2010 with everyone baffled as to what has been going wrong. Most careful consideration would lead to suspecting the European Union is to blame as everyone knows that without UK cash it is finished. Well, it’s time to give something back.
It’s not clear who exactly signed off the request, although as the Department is now being run by Michael Gove, he is in the frame as having the “brass neck for it”.
To help the EU agree to fund the “levelling up” of the UK domestic media will run unusually abusive stories about Brussels with the French getting some heavy treatment, just because.
“The EU has to ask itself if it really wants a raging bin fire just off its coast?” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “It’ll be very embarrassing for the European Union to be seen to be giving the UK a punishment beating by not paying to rectify the damage of over a decade of Tory policies. That sort of churlishness will not recommend the bloc to new members.”
Voices suggesting that tax havens should cough up the cash will thankfully be ignored.
“We can’t use British taxpayers cash to level up the United Kingdom,” the source explains. “British tax payer money is needed in the bank accounts of British territories that provide tax efficient services. Brussels must pay for our schools, roads, water, health and really everything or they risk missing out on the vital UK food bank market.”
Lord Frost is expected to support Mr Gove’s request by going to Brussels with a full nappy and running around the European Parliament with it screaming incoherently about wanting a toy truck for Christmas that comes “with a HGV driver”.