Category: Really fake news

THERE’S NO PARTY LIKE A DOWNING STREET PARTY: The government has proposed an elegant solution to the mystery of the phantom Number Ten parties. Like a bloodhound on the scent, the phenomenal Dido Harding has been assigned to Track and Trace every single illicit party goer.

It’s going to take time. A whole lot of precious time. It’s going to take money and time to do it right. A detective fund has been set up to enable this vital work to commence. The first purchase from this modest sum of £37bn is, of course, an obsolete Excel spreadsheet.

“Finding a piece of heritage software that actually works is difficult,” explained sacrificial lamb Allegra Austin. “Finding one that doesn’t work is even harder. It is essential that this vital piece of kit is in place before we fire up the good old ZX81. It takes a week to load the program from the old cassette tape, that’s if someone hasn’t recorded Wham’s Greatest Hits over the top of it again.”

There is a great deal of work that must be done. First, Harding and her family must obtain mansions in the countryside for herself and every member of her family. Then consultants must be called in to state the bleedin’ obvious for an eye-watering fee. Finally, after many “business meetings” with cheese and wine and music and party games, the work may be contracted out. 

“Within a few years, we may be in a position to requisition the police logs detailing who was in and out of Number Ten on the relevant dates,” said Austin. “These names will be entered on the spreadsheet and cross-referenced with the famous Taboo List of non-prosecutable individuals. Ultimately, if someone who was present, not on the Taboo List, and no longer living is discovered, then they will be scapegoated and the matter closed. This is normal government procedure, and anyone who questions it will have their citizenship removed.”

With Harding’s track record, what could possibly go wrong?

LIVING THE HIGH LIFE: Dominic Raab has come clean about the large amounts of coke found in the House of Commons. He admits to attempting to snort coke, but struggled because of the bubbles.

“I usually just drink it,” confessed Raab. “But then Govey let on that he likes snorting it, so I thought I would give it a go!”

But that didn’t work out too well either.

“I sat there with my drink, snorting,” said Raab. “But making myself laugh down my nose did nothing for me. I must say though, I did produce some impressive bogies!”

Eventually someone explained to him that snorting coke meant breathing it in through a rolled up banknote.

“Well, I thought, my plastic drinking straw is much the same thing,” Raab continued. “So I did it! Then sneezed everywhere, because the bubbles got up my nose. I told Govey, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.”

But Gove isn’t the only government minister with a drug habit.

“Priti Patel likes a bit of opium,” reveals Raab. “No wonder she always smells so nice. She picked up the habit from Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Jacob admits to occasionally sampling laudanum with Samuel Taylor Coleridge.”

Then there are several cannabis users.

“George Eustice likes to smoke joints,” said Raab. “So I tried it. I rolled my joint first, why you do that I still have no idea, then smoked it. I now have a large supply of smoked gammon. It’s delicious, but I still can’t see the attraction.”

Raab also reveals that there is a small group that enjoys LSD.

“The old fashioned ones, who want a return to the pre-decimal currency,” said Raab. “Mark Francois, Steve Baker, that gang. They claim that unicorns are not only real, but they have seen them and ridden on them. Well, I got some farthings and florins, but no unicorns appeared. It’s a mystery, and nobody will tell me what’s going on!”

And he departed, to the strains of Lucy in the Sky with (Nadine) Dorries.

A STITCH IN TIME : DOWNING STREET is to meet today with itself and decide which cabinet minister will be the first to break the new pandemic restrictions in public.

The decision to act swiftly now that masks are mandated again on public transport and in supermarkets is said to be driven by the need to have a “fully confused public”.

“The more people we confuse the better for Mr Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “While you’re wondering why it’s okay for someone to stand around in a crowded pub for hours inhaling and exhaling the virus but they have to wear a mask to get there, billions more will be looted from the public.”

The need to confuse also helps with another key feature of the Prime Minister’s style of government, that of encouraging conspiracy theorists. While the PM is deciding who will get to be the star of this cycle of pandemic mismanagement various headbangers in the Tory Party have come forward to make a massive fuss over a simple measure to protect others. It is said to have them all “splitting their sides with laughter” as government by piss take continues unabated.

“You see how swiftly Priti Patel acts if there’s a threat of some paint being daubed on a statue?” the source grinned. “What happens to anti-vax protestors? More confusion that’s what. And don’t even think about making a papier mache mask to protest climate change. You’ll be for it. The old bill will smash down your door and arrest you for a future crime. Stand around harassing A&E staff at night and you’ll get a medal mate. It’s perfect. No one knows what the hell is going on. Essentially Mr Johnson is governing in the same way he conducts his intimate relationships.”

Which cabinet minister will be photographed breaking the new mandate will be decided by putting the names of all of them into a hat and then getting “completely hammered” before drawing the lucky winner.

“All the cabinet is on tenterhooks waiting to see who will actually ride public transport with a photographer placed back in the carriage,” the source advises. “Or maybe even go into a supermarket and stand in the cereal aisle. The opportunity to combine slumming it for a few minutes with confusing the public is like a golden ticket for anyone in Mr Johnson’s government.”

24/7 BOGOFF SALE : The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, is known to be under a lot of financial pressure, although that doesn’t make him a security risk. It does mean he’s forever seeking new revenue streams to top up the paltry package awarded a serving Prime Minister.

Rumours in the Westminster village say Mr Johnson has decided to follow his idol Nigel Farage and charge fans for videograms.

“It makes sense in the context of the ongoing corruption scandal engulfing his government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson can claim all the donations from foreign sources are legit if something is given in return. That way everyone has to stop asking what the donation bought. It’s a masterstroke which will revolutionise perceptions of corruption in UK governance.”

The decision to enter the personal message field is also neat in terms of following in the footsteps of Mr Farage, who has been flogging his wares for months to anyone willing to spend a penny.

“Nigel wrote the policy manifold that is determining the entire direction of the United Kingdom, why not take another leaf out of his book and post some messages?”

And receiving a personal message from the Prime Minister is cheaper than you would expect.

“Just £50 will get you a minute of Mr Johnson’s time. If you think some garbled references to half remembered classical passages will light up the life of someone you care about just head over to Griftgram and have your bank card ready.”

There will be a platinum level too.

“£50 is just for the plebs. £3m will get you not only a personal message but a peerage.”

THIS IS A PASSENGER ANNOUNCEMENT : FEARS are rising in the Westminster Village tonight that Dominic Raab was involved in the planning of the HS2 rail infrastructure after a deep misunderstanding of geography was revealed in the heart of government.

A Tory MP no one had ever seen before spoke to the press earlier today to reassure everyone that the North was still getting the much promised “levelling up” that PM Johnson used to win over Red Wall seats.

“The HS2 train line goes to Watford,” Meat Puppet Lobby Fodder Surprised To Get A Call For Telebobs MP told a breathless country. “And even a few miles beyond. That’s well north that is.”

While it’s often said that Southerners believe the North begins at the Watford Gap there was an expectation that the cabinet knew different.

“It’s not a problem,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re going to have Sajid Javid use the same magic he has on hospitals to declare any existing rail station from the Midlands up a brand new HS2 station. Then he’ll take a walk along the Victorian rail lines and declare them new too. It couldn’t be simpler. Just think of the savings to the public purse? Money that can then be spent on unusable PPE. It’s a win-win.”

Whether or not the sleight of hand will work remains to be seen, although Downing Street appear confident that the lack of actual high speed rail will mean it will take ages for anyone to get down to London to complain.

“By the time they fork out hundreds to crawl to the capital the news cycle will have moved on,” the source explains. “There’s bound to be another political catastrophe for Johnson pulling into Westminster any moment.”

The PM is to intervene too to calm things down by using a historical reference.

“Boris will say the modified HS2 plans are a renewed harrying of the North! And everyone should be very pleased about it. If that doesn’t work it’s bad luck, as by the time he’s finished speaking he will have lost interest.”

“18 Nov. Somerset. — Left London at 8:35 P. M., on 17th Nov, arriving at crypt early next morning; should have arrived at 0:01, but train was an hour late due to leaves on the line”

The UK’s 500,506th greatest living Latin scholar, Jacob Rees-mogg, finds himself in the spotlight today as the lobbying scandals continue to pile up around the failing Boris Johnson administration, and all those little devils involved with it.

“The spotlight is exactly the wrong place for old Mogg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Especially in the daylight! He could burst into flames. This is a health and safety nightmare.”

There is of course a wide range of lobbying interests available to Tory MPs, leading to allegations that they’re all on the take, but the MP for the 19th Century has found a niche all of his own.

“He’s been lobbying for some ancient and secret sect to have nocturnal access to the UK’s blood banks,” the source admitted. “That’s not as unreasonable as it sounds. Don’t you ever get to midnight and just find your worm filled interior churning with an unquenchable thirst and an uncontrollable hunger? Wait. What is that sound? It’s the master. I’M COMING MASTER! I’M COMING!”

Whether or not action will be taken to reprimand Mr Rees-mogg for his attempts to “shatter the barred doors and feast” on valuable medical supplies in a time of endless health crises isn’t yet clear.

Adding to the problems for the Somerset MP is a list of personal phobias so unique it has led to speculation he maybe even more vile than he usually appears.

“He’s terrified of garlic and holy water for some reason,” the source adds. “And whatever you do don’t let him catch sight of a piece of wood that’s been shaped as a tent peg. He goes into a complete meltdown, explodes into a cloud of bats and disappears.”

SHALL I COMPARE THEE : Former Secretary of State for PPE Contracts to Mates, Matt Hancock, has not had a dull moment since ditching his family for “the other woman”, who conveniently for Matt ditched her family too for “the other man”. What with almost becoming a UN envoy and almost getting a book deal it’s been non-stop Action Man Matt. And that’s not even considering shopping for a new sofa.

Now he’s to really put the pedal to the medal though if he is to be believed. Manufactured rumours circulating on social media claim that Matt Hancock is indeed getting a six figure book deal, but it’s not to write about how he conquered the pandemic.

“That’s because the deal isn’t for a fictional book,” a source inside Matt’s mind tells LCD Views. “Although whatever he produces will have a heavy dose of make believe to it. But that’s just Matt. You may remember Matt from not supporting the illegal prorogation of parliament in 2019 in the service of Brexit? Because that would go against everything those men died on the beaches for. And then he did! Because it got him a place in the Cabinet.”

The actual book Matt is to write is a closely guarded secret.

“That’s why he can only leak rumours about his latest and greatest climb up the career ladder,” the source nods, and winks. “He’s been hired by Boris Johnson to ghost write his book on Shakespeare. It’s not going to get finished any other way. And it’s a stroke of genius from the PM. When it’s roundly decried by critics who bothered to study the subject, Johnson can just blame Matt.”

If you’ve got a job you need to deny hiring someone to do, just phone Matt. He’s available 24/7, seven days a week for any job you don’t want him to do. Let’s call it, a little touch of Mattgick.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : BRITAIN’S 10,003rd greatest living classical scholar is also its Prime Minister and Britain couldn’t be more lucky if it tried.

“Recently there’s been some bad press about UK plc,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So the dream factory in 10 Downing Street have come up with a way to clear the slate and get back our solid gold rep.”

The plan appears to be to rebrand the country much like an insurance, banking or accountancy firm post the 2007-8 financial crisis.

“We’re going to be holding a referendum on what to call the brand new country that will be taking the world by storm,” the source informs. “Mr Johnson is said to favour Really Western Siberia in honour of the Tory Party’s biggest donors. Although the country’s newest royal, Mrs Johnson, is rumoured to be pushing hard for Johnson Land to also be on the ballot.”

But while there is rumoured to be “broad support” within the rank and file of the Con party for the makeover not everyone is happy.

“We were told he’d already renamed the country and now we find we’ll have to campaign in a referendum on the name? Still, I guess it will sweep the tsunami of bad press focused on just how brainsplittingly corrupt so many Tory MPs are off the front pages. It could be worth a shot.”

To increase public buy in there will also be an empty space on the ballot paper where voters can write in their own suggestion.

“Country McCountryface is certain to get a look in,” the Downing Street source adds. “That’s my personal favourite.”

STRONG AND STABLE SUCCESSION : DOWNING STREET has moved to quell concerns over the future of the Prime Minister today with a new law making the post hereditary.

The decision to keep the job of PM “in the family” by Mr Johnson is believed to have been prompted by speculation over his future as Prime Minister. Tory MPs are said to be restless after the stunning discovery that rampant, corrupt shithousery by Tory MPs is not exactly a vote winner.

“We thought we’d left the 1990’s far behind us,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one associates hardworking Tory MPs with sleaze anymore. Most of them work several jobs to show what good value they are to the corporate taxpayer. It’s a total shock. But this new law means that the polls can do what they like. As soon as they boot Johnson out another Johnson will be swinging in their faces.”

But critics of the move are said to be concerned it will not provide the promised stability but lead to “political bloodletting and squabbling over the crown not seen since 10th century Scotland.”

Mr Johnson is said to be unrepentant and anticipating being placed in the Lords by whichever of his children succeed him as PM.

“There will still be elections,” the source adds. “No one should worry about a further erosion of democratic standards in the UK. To guarantee the validity of future elections to the Commons, for non-hereditary MPs, we’re planning to make it legal to pay people to vote Tory. You’ll see our popularity remains sky high. It’s really just furthering the scheme which currently sees regeneration cash going predominately to Tory held areas.”

The post of PM’s dog was also expected to become hereditary until someone remembered they chopped Dylin’s nuts off because Mr Johnson was upset by the competition whenever it was time to shag a visitor’s legs.

NAUGHTY BUT NICE : DOWNING STREET has broken its silence over Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s failure to wear a mask during a recent hospital visit.

The visit occurred last Monday at the same time as Parliament was holding a debate on corruption, following the complete miscarriage of justice that disgraced, former corporate lobbyist Owen Paterson was a victim of.

“Mr Johnson was merely attempting to encourage a local business in the North,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s part of his levelling up agenda. He’s not just going to sit at home in London listening to Carrie drone on about how unsuitable the latest nanny is when there’s a country to save!”

It was further explained that it was not the PM’s fault that he missed the parliamentary debate on corruption as “he’s already an expert in the subject and could not have learned anything by attending”.

But when pressed as to the PM’s failure to mask up in the hospital, the source was unrepentant.

“We’ve got just the greatest pandemic numbers. Not many people know this, but the UK is leading the world with the virus. We did not get to this pole position by having a Prime Minister too weak to face the virus head first and take it on the chin.”

There was also though a secondary reason for Mr Johnson presenting himself in the most infectious manner possible to overworked and exhausted, fully masked hospital staff.

“To be perfectly frank he thought he was visiting a strip club. He was bloody disappointed to find it was not a medical themed one but an actual hospital. He had his expectations exceptionally high for a fun afternoon. Even the only alcohol present was in hand sanitiser and you just try drinking that without a piece of cucumber.”