SHALL I COMPARE THEE : Former Secretary of State for PPE Contracts to Mates, Matt Hancock, has not had a dull moment since ditching his family for “the other woman”, who conveniently for Matt ditched her family too for “the other man”. What with almost becoming a UN envoy and almost getting a book deal it’s been non-stop Action Man Matt. And that’s not even considering shopping for a new sofa.
Now he’s to really put the pedal to the medal though if he is to be believed. Manufactured rumours circulating on social media claim that Matt Hancock is indeed getting a six figure book deal, but it’s not to write about how he conquered the pandemic.
“That’s because the deal isn’t for a fictional book,” a source inside Matt’s mind tells LCD Views. “Although whatever he produces will have a heavy dose of make believe to it. But that’s just Matt. You may remember Matt from not supporting the illegal prorogation of parliament in 2019 in the service of Brexit? Because that would go against everything those men died on the beaches for. And then he did! Because it got him a place in the Cabinet.”
The actual book Matt is to write is a closely guarded secret.
“That’s why he can only leak rumours about his latest and greatest climb up the career ladder,” the source nods, and winks. “He’s been hired by Boris Johnson to ghost write his book on Shakespeare. It’s not going to get finished any other way. And it’s a stroke of genius from the PM. When it’s roundly decried by critics who bothered to study the subject, Johnson can just blame Matt.”
If you’ve got a job you need to deny hiring someone to do, just phone Matt. He’s available 24/7, seven days a week for any job you don’t want him to do. Let’s call it, a little touch of Mattgick.