NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : The government is said to be in a “stable, but bereaved” state today after the youngest Tory MP in the House of Commons chose early retirement.
Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth was expected to be a leading light as the Conservative Party continued to make head roads into the younger voting demographics, but it seems that will no longer be possible.
“We can still use him as an aspirational example I suppose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Although I doubt he will be much use on the campaign trial. Mostly because he’ll be in one of his Caribbean homes.”
The Prime Minister himself is said to be feeling a deep sense of betrayal over Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth’s decision to cash out early. It is understood he had personally backed the youthful MP over a scandal involving a replica ivory shoehorn and a game of sardines which left several domestic staff needing A&E treatment.
How much Fitz was able to sell his seat for isn’t publicly available, as it is a matter of private interest.
“It’s in the hundreds of millions,” the source admits. “I mean would you cash out early otherwise? Given the earning potential of being a lobbyist for corporate interests in the Mother of Parliaments?”
What is also fuzzy at the moment is whether or not the oil giant will attend the Commons personally to vote.
“I suspect they’ll vote via Zoom? Flying back and forth from their headquarters in the eastern steppe to vote isn’t going to greenwash with anyone.”
Fitz Bangle Philhelm-Sax-Normandy-Smyth wasn’t available for comment as he was currently asleep after a late night “sesh” at some villa in Tuscany.
Critics of the MP’s decision are said to be furiously phoning around their corporate sponsors to see what the “going rate” is for their constituency.
“PMQs won’t be much changed over the coming year,” the source adds. “It’ll just be Starmer facing a wall of corporate logos on empty benches. Which is basically how it operates right now at our world beating parliament.”