“18 Nov. Somerset. — Left London at 8:35 P. M., on 17th Nov, arriving at crypt early next morning; should have arrived at 0:01, but train was an hour late due to leaves on the line”
The UK’s 500,506th greatest living Latin scholar, Jacob Rees-mogg, finds himself in the spotlight today as the lobbying scandals continue to pile up around the failing Boris Johnson administration, and all those little devils involved with it.
“The spotlight is exactly the wrong place for old Mogg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Especially in the daylight! He could burst into flames. This is a health and safety nightmare.”
There is of course a wide range of lobbying interests available to Tory MPs, leading to allegations that they’re all on the take, but the MP for the 19th Century has found a niche all of his own.
“He’s been lobbying for some ancient and secret sect to have nocturnal access to the UK’s blood banks,” the source admitted. “That’s not as unreasonable as it sounds. Don’t you ever get to midnight and just find your worm filled interior churning with an unquenchable thirst and an uncontrollable hunger? Wait. What is that sound? It’s the master. I’M COMING MASTER! I’M COMING!”
Whether or not action will be taken to reprimand Mr Rees-mogg for his attempts to “shatter the barred doors and feast” on valuable medical supplies in a time of endless health crises isn’t yet clear.
Adding to the problems for the Somerset MP is a list of personal phobias so unique it has led to speculation he maybe even more vile than he usually appears.
“He’s terrified of garlic and holy water for some reason,” the source adds. “And whatever you do don’t let him catch sight of a piece of wood that’s been shaped as a tent peg. He goes into a complete meltdown, explodes into a cloud of bats and disappears.”