A STITCH IN TIME : DOWNING STREET is to meet today with itself and decide which cabinet minister will be the first to break the new pandemic restrictions in public.
The decision to act swiftly now that masks are mandated again on public transport and in supermarkets is said to be driven by the need to have a “fully confused public”.
“The more people we confuse the better for Mr Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “While you’re wondering why it’s okay for someone to stand around in a crowded pub for hours inhaling and exhaling the virus but they have to wear a mask to get there, billions more will be looted from the public.”
The need to confuse also helps with another key feature of the Prime Minister’s style of government, that of encouraging conspiracy theorists. While the PM is deciding who will get to be the star of this cycle of pandemic mismanagement various headbangers in the Tory Party have come forward to make a massive fuss over a simple measure to protect others. It is said to have them all “splitting their sides with laughter” as government by piss take continues unabated.
“You see how swiftly Priti Patel acts if there’s a threat of some paint being daubed on a statue?” the source grinned. “What happens to anti-vax protestors? More confusion that’s what. And don’t even think about making a papier mache mask to protest climate change. You’ll be for it. The old bill will smash down your door and arrest you for a future crime. Stand around harassing A&E staff at night and you’ll get a medal mate. It’s perfect. No one knows what the hell is going on. Essentially Mr Johnson is governing in the same way he conducts his intimate relationships.”
Which cabinet minister will be photographed breaking the new mandate will be decided by putting the names of all of them into a hat and then getting “completely hammered” before drawing the lucky winner.
“All the cabinet is on tenterhooks waiting to see who will actually ride public transport with a photographer placed back in the carriage,” the source advises. “Or maybe even go into a supermarket and stand in the cereal aisle. The opportunity to combine slumming it for a few minutes with confusing the public is like a golden ticket for anyone in Mr Johnson’s government.”