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Brexit Karma Sutra criticised for only giving positions for screwing yourself

An unupdated edition of the Karma Sutra focusing on Brexit has been criticised by people who ordered the illustrated handbook for only giving positions for screwing yourself.

”Trouble starts with the foreword,” disgruntled reader Mr B Usiness told LCD Views’ book reviewer, “I was expecting Gavin Williamson to have penned an encouraging introduction in which he would liberally mention KY jelly, enough to lead people to suspect he was sponsored to do so. But no.

Maybe acclaimed swordsman Boris Johnson with a go and f*ck yourselves outburst, which would have fitted right in with or without lube, but not Jeremy Hunt. I mean the man’s a complete and utter…”

It seems Hunt received the honour because he is the most recent throbbing member of a tumescent cabinet currently screwing an entire country to take aim at one Tory ‘friend with benefits’ casual partner.

“You know the kind of special, loose and pretty bloody agile friend you call up when alone and drunk, horny, need some good loving and in any position you like. Just finger a page in the book and off you go.”

Hunt made a late night, drunken call?

”Well Tories and business have been screwing each other senseless for a very long time of course,” our book reviewer noted, “in every conceivable position and often in a very orgiastic way, so to see Jeremy Rhymes-With tell a big swinging organ of industry to shut up and go f*ck themselves on national television, well, blow me!”

I gather it’s affected sales of the handbook?

”It’s not what I ordered when I shoved all that cash in your pocket for the 2015 and 2017 elections and you promised me a sweet and sticky time, is the complaint.”

So why do it? Why not release a book showing major industries on top in the usual Tory gang bang?

”A film release I think, featuring mountains of cash over years.”

What’s the film?

”From Russia With Love.”

Oh, I thought it would have been ‘Last Bojo In Paris’. I’m returning my copy the moment it arrives.

“No. Still buy a copy of Brexit Karma Sutra please,” our book reviewer adds, “Brexit so far is just foreplay, as we go forward in a smooth and orderly fashion it’ll be nice to have the pictures to refer to as 68M people set out to royally f*ck themselves.”

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F*ck Panama, says Boris

Boris Johnson responded to England’s world cup victory with a chilling rebuttal. “F*ck Panama,” he said.

Panama follows in a Boris tradition. F*ck business, f*ck anything in a skirt. Boris managed to trump Liam Fox, who was about to announce a stunning new trade deal with Panama. Presumably for hats, canals and papers. F*ck Liam Fox.

By contrast, freak Premiership winner Theresa May was delighted. “Today’s result shows the best of the English – I mean, of course, the British – on the biggest stage of all,” she said after the match, in her trademark Stephen-Hawking-meets-fingernails-on-a-blackboard voice. “Today we tamed the might of Panama. Tomorrow we win the World Cup. It’s a clear Brexit dividend. The prize money will be used to fund the NHS for years to come.”

The mood was buoyant all over Whitehall. Jeremy C. Hunt announced a free bag of saline for the next 100 NHS patients. Chris Grayling had a rare good day at the office by staying at home to watch the match. And David Davis was fully inebriated by the time England’s third goal went in.

An overexcited staffer at the DExEU was jubilant after the game. “I think it’s the best news we have had since the referendum!” gushed Sue Preem-Isolation. “This strengthens Theresa’s negotiating hand immensely, and means that David Davis is out of the way and can’t do anything stupid until he sobers up.”

Only Boris sounded a sour note. “F*ck business, f*ck Panama and f*ck off!” he grumbled, tearing up a betting slip. “England always slip up against the minnows! I had several million riding on that. Vladimir’s f*cked up royally this time. I need to have words with that popinjay crybaby Gazza!”

It is rumoured that Boris wants the England manager’s job for himself. His main talents are blustering nonsensically, and a complete lack of knowledge about football. He is, of course, perfectly qualified for the role.

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Fears makers of Boris Johnson will keep manufacturing in Britain post Brexit

Fears about the country’s certainty of a glorious future were raised even higher today after a warning from the makers of Boris Johnson’s that they may keep manufacturing in Britain post Brexit.

”The best selling ‘Fcuk Business : Bullingdon Club Special’ line has been a runaway success for the makers since its successful launch on a BBC topical panel show some years ago,” LCD business analyst, Mr Business Analyst writes,

“with its one horsepower hairstyle and five hundred bullock bullshit drive it’s been virtually unstoppable.”

The company has been under a limited scrutiny recently, although not by the BBC, after constant delays of the launch of the ‘Boris Johnson : Brexit PM, stab everyone in the face and the back, Fcuk Business’ model is continually pushed by, week by week.

“There have however been genuine concerns recently also that the makers of Boris Johnson lied about results of tests relating to the integrity and foresight in the design. There’s even talk of a potential profit warning to the tune of £410M per week.”

The live television stunts where they pumped the exhaust from Boris across the entire country, while well received, may have been intended to dazzle to distract from underlying flaws in the design of Boris Johnson’s.

“Expectations were high that whatever Brexit deal the United Kingdom eventually agrees with the half a billion people just miles away, who are desperate for the U.K. to save them from complete economic failure upon Brexit, would include a sweetener involving the relocation of Boris Johnson’s to The Hague.

”It’s still possible. But resistance is growing in Little England as they just can’t get enough of being taken for a ride in a Boris. The fuck Little England line released early in 2016 is still surprisingly popular among people who just want to believe.”

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BMW to rename “The Mini”, “Der Kleini” after post Brexit production move to Germany

BMW has announced that it will be renaming “The Mini”, “Der Kleini” after it moves production of the iconic British car to Germany.

The Bavarian manufacturer announced last week that it would discontinue production of the Mini at its Oxford home citing the complete pointlessness of continue to manufacture anything in the UK after it has left the European Union and is obliged to impose WTA tariffs on all products coming in and out of the country.

“Let’s face it, after the UK crashes out of the world’s biggest and most successful trading block with no trade deal no one in the UK will be able to afford new cars, and the exported vehicles will be subject to stonking great tariffs,” said BMW spokesman Wolf Atzador, explaining that as everyone in the UK knows perfectly well, the Mini is a product of “the self preservation society”.

“But that society is signally failing to preserve itself – Brexit was only supposed to blow the EU’s bloody doors off,” he laughed pointing out that the stupid Brexit bus with its silly slogan is currently dangling over the precipice, as Theresa May and Boris Johnson, frantically push the golden unicorns of the “Brexit Dividend” out of the back door.

“Und if we are building the Mini in Deutschland, we may as well give it a German name he added.

“Der Kleini it is – not very imaginative, but then neither was “Mini”,” he laughed, adding that the original mini wasn’t even designed by an Englishman.

“Alec Issigonis was a Levantine Greek from Izmir in Turkey,” he said explaining that Issigonis arrived in Britain in 1923 as a 16 year old refugee with his widowed mother.

“If he tried that now your gammon faced wankpuffins and spunk trumpets would be laughing as he drowned in the Med,” he added grimly.

“Let’s see what amazing talents the latest wave of immigration from Syria brings us…and by us I mean Germany and the EU, WITHOUT the UK” he smirked.

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Government to build air wall to stop Airbus fleeing U.K.

The fantastic and forward thinking Conservative government took decisive action today to build an air wall to stop Airbus and other major businesses flying from the U.K. faced with Brexit.

”They don’t get away while I’m in charge,” professional plank of lumber David Davis told us, elbows parked at terminal 3, House of Commons bar.

The wall will initially be constructed to ecompass all of North East Wales,  to enclose the airplane maker’s ground operations and test runway, but additional walls can be constructed in ever increasing rings.

”We should have built the sea wall already,” Davis said, “to stop the EU27 fruit pickers legging it, but we’ll stop the rest!”

It seems Mr Davis has been lobbying privately since the botched 2017 general election campaign last year for the UK’s stonemasons to be put to work.

”This is the issue with how Tory party members undermined the leader at the last general election by not voting for May in sufficient numbers to secure a commanding majority.”

It seems the one thing going against Brexit has always been time, even though the leadership of both main political parties are fully signed up.

”Reality is a bitch too,” Davis added, “you see Brexit was designed as a twenty four hour smash and grab. We crash out of the EU. Not this farcical extended process that exposes all the bullshit we’re shovelling.”

Had the 2017 general election delivered the overwhelming majority sought by the Tory Brexiters they could have held all the businesses and people, and to an extent the EU hostage.

”Imagine all that tax haven cash flooded into the U.K. overnight to snap up companies that are actually sound, but where artificially devalued by the unexpected calamity of the abrupt exit? It would have been an investment boom.”

Asked how he expected to stop the aeronautical industry taking flight with a wall around North East Wales. Davis added,

”We could use nets?” before continuing to get absolutely shit faced at publicly subsidised expense.

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I can quit heroin any time I like, says William Hague

Former Tory party leader and baked potato impressionist William Hague had made a dramatic statement about his drug use. He claims to be able to come off smack at a moment of his choice.

The one time Tory Boy has become an advocate for cannabis use recently. Cannabis, apparently, is good for pain relief.

“Yes, I have been easing my pain with pot for years,” remarked Hague. “It hurt me deeply to recall the embarrassment of my Tory Boy days. Thank goodness I grew out of it, unlike Jacob Rees-Mogg.”

LCD Views checked Hague’s assertion with medical expert Dr Anna Tomical. “Cannabis can numb you,” she agreed. “But it also causes memory loss. It is worse than alcohol, and almost as bad as red meat and cheese.”

We take it that you are a vegan Dr Tomical?

“Naturally. I would recommend it to everyone. Mr Hague would be much healthier and happier on a vegan diet.”

Does being vegan make you live longer?

“Probably,” she replied. “It certainly feels like it.”

“I don’t hold with namby-pamby veganism,” Hague counters. “I’m from Yorkshire! Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred, Strong in t’arm and thick in t’ead, that’s me. Anyhow, my time as Tory leader was also excruciating, so I needed something stronger than cannabis. Heroin. That stuff gave me a real shot in the arm!”

Isn’t it horribly addictive though?

“I’m a Yorkshireman, I’m tough as old boots!” he said. “I could quit whenever I want to, but still the memories keep coming back.”

So you increase the dose?

“It’s the only way,” asserts Hague. “I take drugs to forget, to forget that I am ashamed, ashamed that I take drugs. It’s a perfect cycle, why do you think Liam Fox is eagerly making deals with shady South Americans? Theresa is on tranquillisers, Jeremy C. Hunt likes MDMA, and Boris sniffs up so much rubbish we nicknamed him Henry.”

But these drugs are illegal, why are you advocating drug usage?

“We have lost the war on drugs,” he slurred. “We lost, so may as well get over it and suck it up. Preferably through a bong. No point losing your head, when you can get off your head instead!”

At this point Hague excused himself, saying he thought he still had a functioning vein “downstairs”.

It’s ok to take drugs. Roll up! Roll up!

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Seasoned hostage negotiator unable to tell if woman in video is hostage or hostage taker

A seasoned hostage negotiator has professed to being unable to tell if a woman featured in a hair raising video posted online last night is actually the hostage or hostage taker.

”Pass the salt and the pepper,” Defective Dem Ocracy said, as we settled down with her to watch the video again, “I think best when I’m properly seasoned.”

In the video which is not advisable to show to minors, a clearly strained and insincere middle aged woman attempts to send more messages with her eyes than her mouth.

“You can tell she’s reading from a script and she’s not making this recording by personal choice. Just look at her? What a car crash of a person. Crash test dummy hits wall at 100mph.”

Well at least it’s a proper British speed. That’s some comfort.

”Yes. The way she keeps repeating the same phrases. Delivering on this, bag of lies, the British people voted for, another crock of shite. Clearly whoever is forcing her to record this message is taking the line that if you just keep repeating a lie it will become a truth. It won’t work.”

So she’s a hostage?

”Oh, I didn’t say that. This could be a bluff. She wants us to think she’s the hostage so we’ll pity her and do what her captors are demanding. But it’s just as likely she’s the ringleader and pulling a fast one.”

A fast one? This con has been playing out for a couple of years now.

”Measured in the speed of collapse of civil society and the British economy, if the organised gang behind this video achieve their objective, you’re probably right. The build up to the crash will seem geological in scale. That’s how they’ll make their money. Smash and grab in twenty four hours.”

But who’s behind it? Do you have any clue?

”Yes. A shadowy group of insane criminals who don’t care who gets hurt. They’re called the ERG. The sooner they’re stopped, the safer we’ll be.”

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Never has a man said so much about so much before so much caving in

Master Bater, a chief Tory whip, was in an upbeat, if exhausted, mood today after successfully forcing enough potential Tory rebel MPs to cave by use of the Tory ultra violence, project fear film “JC4PM”.

“They crumble faced with just the outside chance of that old commie placard holder taking high office,” Master Bater told LCD Views during a tour of the ConHQ dungeon, “it’s not even really brainwashing, more just showing them what keeps them awake at night. Which is just as well, my palms are sore enough from the day to day work of slapping and beating members to keep them in line behind the old Maybot as it is.”

In the dungeon we were allowed to see many of the chief tools used by the whips.

“See this row of old cinema chairs here? And that screen set up over there. Mind the projector. Yes. Yes. Come around the front. Take a seat if you want.”

We declined the offer of a seat. The restraints on the arms looked like they could hold the strongest in situ.

“We put grievance Grieve in this seat. Captain Morgan in the one next to him. And a few others. Restraints at wrists, calves and foreheads. Force the eyelids open and just let the movie play.”

In the movie a Corbyn lookalike goes through the various duties of a modern British prime minister.

“The actor playing Corbyn followed May closely for a few weeks, to really learn what it takes to be the UK’s prime minister in the age of Brexit. You know, party before country, ideology before rationality, cynical appeals to various voting demographics, smooth and orderly choking off of economic viability, say xenophobic stuff about foreign workers. It doesn’t actually matter who is prime minister. The day to day activities will be the same. With the exception of course that Jeremy Corbyn as PM would raid the City of London’s coffers with McDonnell. But under May we’re content to let it all slowly flow away to EU27 countries without anyone really noticing. Rees-mogg will tell you how to set up in Dublin, just get him on the blower.”

How long does it take to force a rebel to cave in, faced with JC4PM?

“Dominic fell to his knees just seeing the chair and being told what we were going to show him. We still strapped him in for good measure. But about ten seconds normally does it,” Master Bater shrugged,

“except for Ken Clarke, we had him strapped down here for a week solid and he just laughed and laughed. He told us after serving under Thatcher there’s sod all we can put on the projector to cause him to buckle. His internal movies from the 80’s are more terrifying than any cinematic masterpiece we could knock out, whether it features a giant dildo or not.”

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Trump to meet Queen, as Wills, Kate and family to be evacuated to Cornwall

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that US President Donald Trump will meet with Queen Elizabeth during his brief state visit to the UK next month but not with other members of the royal family who the palace confirmed will be “indisposed”.

A Palace spokesman declined to comment on rumours that second in line to the throne Prince William, his wife Princess Kate and their three small children Prince George (4), Princess Charlotte (3) and the new one, Prince Louis or something (two months) were being evacuated from the capital for the safety of the children.

“The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a long standing holiday arrangement,” he said confirming that they had originally planned to holiday in Scotland but had opted to go to Cornwall instead, for unspecified reasons and definitely not to avoid Trump who is also planning to visit his golfing resort in Aberdeenshire.

“They’ve been booked into a very nice air b n b farmhouse, complete with separate cages, I mean rooms, for each of the children,” he explained.

News of the Cambridges’ family holiday in the region of the UK furthest geographically from absolutely everywhere President Trump will visit, comes in the wake of widespread international criticism of the US government’s controversial new policy of separating the children of migrants from their parents and locking them in cages.

Long standing criticism of the British Royal family has long centred on the fact that they’re all descended from Dutch, Germans, Danes and Greeks most of whom arrived in the country as a result of dubious arranged marriages, and only adopted the surname Windsor during the first world war rather than risk unpopularity by continuing to use their real surname  Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.

A white house spokesman confirmed that president Trump had been made aware that he would be being kept well away from the Cambridges but that he wasn’t overly concerned.

“He’s got bigger fish to fry, thanks to his good friend Sir Chris blocking that law banning up-skirting and him taking delivery of a new Huawei P20 Pro,” he sniggered, pointing out that Queen Elizabeth may be 92 but she still rules.

“Let’s just say that it’s him that’ll be packing the sword, and he’s hoping she uses it to make him “a knight to remember,” he smirked.

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Never has a man said so much about so much before so much caving in

Master Bater, a chief Tory whip, was in an upbeat, if exhausted, mood today after successfully forcing enough potential Tory rebel MPs to cave by use of the Tory ultra violence, project fear film “JC4PM”.

“They crumble faced with just the outside chance of that old commie placard holder taking high office,” Master Bater told LCD Views during a tour of the ConHQ dungeon, “it’s not even really brainwashing, more just showing them what keeps them awake at night. Which is just as well, my palms are sore enough from the day to day work of slapping and beating members to keep them in line behind the old Maybot as it is.”

In the dungeon we were allowed to see many of the chief tools used by the whips.

“See this row of old cinema chairs here? And that screen set up over there. Mind the projector. Yes. Yes. Come around the front. Take a seat if you want.”

We declined the offer of a seat. The restraints on the arms looked like they could hold the strongest in situ.

“We put grievance Grieve in this seat. Captain Morgan in the one next to him. And a few others. Restraints at wrists, calves and foreheads. Force the eyelids open and just let the movie play.”

In the movie a Corbyn lookalike goes through the various duties of a modern British prime minister.

“The actor playing Corbyn followed May closely for a few weeks, to really learn what it takes to be the UK’s prime minister in the age of Brexit. You know, party before country, ideology before rationality, cynical appeals to various voting demographics, smooth and orderly choking off of economic viability, say xenophobic stuff about foreign workers. It doesn’t actually matter who is prime minister. The day to day activities will be the same. With the exception of course that Jeremy Corbyn as PM would raid the City of London’s coffers with McDonnell. But under May we’re content to let it all slowly flow away to EU27 countries without anyone really noticing. Rees-mogg will tell you how to set up in Dublin, just get him on the blower.”

How long does it take to force a rebel to cave in, faced with JC4PM?

“Dominic fell to his knees just seeing the chair and being told what we were going to show him. We still strapped him in for good measure. But about ten seconds normally does it,” Master Bater shrugged,

“except for Ken Clarke, we had him strapped down here for a week solid and he just laughed and laughed. He told us after serving under Thatcher there’s sod all we can put on the projector to cause him to buckle. His internal movies from the 80’s are more terrifying than any cinematic masterpiece we could knock out, whether it features a giant dildo or not.”