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Stockholm Syndrome to become Starmer Syndrome after Brexit as that’s more British

INT    KEIR STARMER’S OFFICE DAWN

A big wooden desk with a green leather top. The dawn’s first rays push through a crack in the curtains and drift across it. Dust motes dance in those.

We can hear a turntable’s needle bump, bump, bump. It’s reached the end of the record. Jumping in one rut over and over. The music over.

The sunlight hits a crystal decanter on the desk and creates a prism which fills our eyes now and then as we circle around. It’s all slow, slow motion.

The top is off the decanter. It has a drop or two of amber liquid left inside.

KEIR STARMER sits with his back to the light. We can’t see his face. He’s in shadow.

But we see his hand as it reaches for the decanter. Light bouncing off the gold ring. The well manicured nails. The cuff of a well tailored suit jacket. The pristine white shirt.

The hand takes hold of the decanter. The springs and leather of his chair creak as he tilts his head back.

KEIR STARMER (giggling)

I must not undermine the leader. Those who undermine the leader will be deselected.

He raises that crystal bottle high and tilts.

CLOSE ON

The last drops of liquid as they fall slowly through a sun beam and into the shadow.

Give the bottle a shake. There’s nothing left.

KEIR STARMER (we don’t see his face yet)

Screw it. Just screw it all.

A door opens on the other side of the room just as KEIR STARMER puts the bottle to his mouth and tries to play a tune by blowing inside it.

A youngish man enters. STARMER’S HANDLER. He’s dressed in a Chairman Mao suit. He is attempting to grow a Lenin beard, but it’s all wispy. He has a red book in his hand.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Comrade Starmer. It’s time.

KEIR STARMER (slurred)

I’ll do it. I want to do it. I believe it’s right to do it. The people have decided. It doesn’t matter that it’s complete economic insanity. Hardship builds character.

The young man advances to the table. He’s fast.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Show me your wrists Comrade Starmer. Put out your hands.

KEIR STARMER

I am not wearing those capitalist cufflinks. I am good. I am doing good. I’m wearing the red star ones John gave me. I will never undermine the leader. I am not wrong thinking like Owen. I am not bad like Chuka.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Show me your wrists or I’ll take you to the basement and the hose.

Now for the first time we see KEIR STARMER fully.

A flash of terrified eyes.

He lurches out of his chair and stumbles to the window. Draws the curtains back fully.

He begins to fumble at the latch on the window. He’s too drunk. He can’t work it.

STARMER’S HANDLER puts a whistle to his lips and blows. One fast shrill blast.

KEIR STARMER freezes. Then shivers. Then tries to open the latch again.

KEIR STARMER

I just need some air. I just need a little air.

STARMER’S HANDLER

If I have to blow the whistle again it means you’re very, very naughty. Jeremy and John are waiting to hear you tell the Today programme why we have to leave the single market. John Humphrys will tell you that is the right thing to do because the people had a vote. Once. We can not be late.

KEIR STARMER grows still.

He turns. He offers a hand to the young man, simultaneously tugging at his coat cuff to cover the cufflink at the wrist.

STARMER’S HANDLER smiles. He takes KEIR STARMER by the wrist and begins to lead him from the room.

STARMER’S HANDLER

Be a good comrade Keir.

KEIR STARMER

After the BBC interview can we get some brekkie?

STARMER’S HANDLER

If you say the right things.

KEIR STARMER

Good. I am so very hungry. Can I have some bacon?

STARMER’S HANDLER

Comrade Keir, you know the leader decides what the people eat for breakfast. I believe today it’s jam, but only after study.

STARMER’S HANDLER stops. He examines KEIR STARMER’S wrist.

CLOSE ON

A cufflink with the flag of the European Union.

The two men lock eyes. KEIR STARMER shakes his head.

KEIR STARMER

No. No. No. I didn’t do it. A yellow tory Blairite shill must have snuck in and done it while I slept. Please. Don’t tell the messiah! He’ll tell me I’m a naughty boy!

STARMER’S HANDLER releases him and puts his whistle to his lips.

STARMER’S HANDLER

This is a serious breach of right thinking.

KEIR STARMER runs for the window.

KEIR STARMER’S HANDLER holds the whistle to his lips.

KEIR STARMER’S HANDLER

This is a 43A-i subsection three (whistle blast), chapter 9 (whistle blast), paragraph 37(whistle blast), bullet point 2904 (whistle blast), category blue (whistle blast), violation.

EXT    KEIR STARMER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

We stand facing the window. Looking inside as KEIR STARMER fumbles and curses at the latch inside.

We can just hear the whistle blowing, blowing.

Hands. So many hands begin to cover KEIR STARMER. They drag him away from the window. The curtain slowly closes.

END SCENE

 

 

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“Ultimate boy” to explain to 1M students why losing FOM and being stuck on an island with men upset over ham based teasing is all part of the “long game”

The “Ultimate boy”, Jeremy ‘I heart Brexit’ Corbyn, is to explain to more than one million university students why losing their birth right of freedom of movement, and being stuck on an island with men upset over ham based teasing, is all part of the “long game”.

“He’s going to do it at Glasto this year when he storms the stage again,” PR man for old Corbs, Mr Jacob Rees-mogg, told us during a morning’s beating about the bush.

“Imagine it, you’ve piled up over £50K worth of debt and there’s no jobs in the UK when you graduate. And now getting across the channel to the EU27 to find work for all that debt is a raft and paddle situation because May and Jezza together forever demanded the UK pull out of the single market. 80% of the economy. There’s clearly no way they would demand such a thing just to keep gammon faced idiots happy and voting for them?”

These are the same gammon that have been merrily screaming in CAPS ‘libtard snowflake cuck you lost get over it!!!,!,,,!!!’ all over social media for years, but now that a tag has stuck to their ideological viewpoint, they can’t handle it?

“Ironic isn’t it. Little gammon flakes.”

So tell us more about Glastonbury this year?

“Well, clearly the Corbynator is going to need an audience of young people like you find in the fields of Glastonbury to explain why losing freedom of movement and being stuck on an island with angry middle aged men and women is all worth it in the service of the long game.”

I’m sure he’s got it all worked out. I mean it makes sense. Why wouldn’t you keep whipping your MPs to either vote with the vilest and least competent Tory administration anyone can remember in order to move hard Brexit closer to reality?

“He’s moved to abstaining with the whip now. It’s very clever. Another long game play. Most voters will be so thick they think abstaining means voting against. Got to hand it to the old campaigner.”

But why not explain the benefits of losing FOM to over a million young people on television? Why choose Glastonbury?

“That’s obvious. In order to swallow it and continue believing in JC the one million plus young people will have to be completely off their collective faces on MDMA.”

Collective is a nice word.

“Yes. It goes well with farm. And that’s why we need to help Theresa May catastrophically limit the freedom of movement of everyone. Once we end freedom of movement for EU27 nationals to keep the gammon happy, who’s going to till the soils of mighty England if we let our young get away?”

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Man says he just loves gammon

Britain’s greatest prime minister since Charles II has entered the fray today concerning the gammon scandal.

”I just love all pork products,” David Cameron, inheritance millionaire famous for intimacy with a pig’s head to win the approval, allegedly, of Boris Johnson and other posh boy visionaries told us.

Our interview took place in his infamous shepherd’s hut shed. A folly he kindly let the world know cost the average household income and shouted about in a big colour supplement shed even as the flames of his great referendum mishap were catching on the UK’s curtains and promising to empoveish people earning the average household income.

What a boy.

So much power and so little sense of accountability.

That little sense of accountability goes for hi viz fetishist George “wonder” Osborne too. Dave’s ball boy.

Baron of ideological austerity. He also sowed the seeds and micturated on the seedlings of Brexit.

But at least Tezza’s humiliated him by firing him and reminding him of the humiliation he felt in earlier years at the hands of the Tory grandees when he was bossed like a soggy biscuit into the bin of the leadership race Michael Howard won.

And now he’s out for payback. So we appreciate that. Keeping going Boy Wonder. We all know you want to be PM still, flinging your rocks out from your London newspaper fortress.

”I thought this article was about how much I love f*cking dead pigs in the face and not a near stream of consciousness about my former colleague?” David interjected.

Sorry Britain’s greatest PM since Chamberlain, do go on.

”You see all those racist, gammon men and women, let’s not discriminate, voting for the fascist, clueless UKIP start up just terrified me. So I thought I’ll give in and maybe they’ll let me live.”

How did they work out?

”I have no regrets. I’m eyesplittingly wealthy and have moved to Spain.”

Thanks for your help Dave.

”My pleasure. Love the gammon. A total vote winner until you get pork scratchings in the eyes. How’s the U.K. doing since the greatest prime minister since Edward II left?”

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UK to host summit so smaller countries vying to join EU can get together and laugh at us

Social media platforms are buzzing today with the amazing news that the government of the United Kingdom is to host a summit later this year just so smaller countries vying to join the European Union can get together and laugh at us.

“This is Global Britain Empire 2.0 in action,” Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox told LCD Views from the gold lounge in terminal 7, Heathrow, shortly before jetting off to sell more bombs to dictators, “we don’t need membership of the EU for prosperity, not while people far away are determined to bomb the sh*t out of each other, but smaller countries without highly developed arms industries most certainly do.”

So we’re doing it from a standpoint of credibility?

“Yes. We’re a proper example of why membership of the European Union is desirable in an interconnected world with massive tax dodging individuals and multinationals vying to take over countries with a reputation for rule of law from behind the scenes, just so they can undermine the rule of law and get even richer. It’s what Brexit is about.”

And what talks or classes we will put on for these lucky little start up democracies?

“We’re going to hold classes on democratic accountability, how to milk the teat of the taxpayer till it bleeds while in office and just how lucky do you have to be to have an economy that has bombs and the creation of mass refugee situations at its heart, but a dangerous amount of water separating you from the problem when it arises, while having elected an institutionally racist government. What a jackpot for the UK in the time of Tories in power. It’s going to be a fun packed summit.”

Who’s coming to it?

“Smaller countries from the Balkans and wherever else. I didn’t read the detail. We’ll include the attendees in the latest immigration statistics and deport them before the summit closes as further evidence of why getting into the EU is good. Human rights, well, it’s for others now of course.”

Global Britain on show. Stocking up on laughs to export to the world. Get in there and giggle!

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Lifecycle of stubborn domestic pest explained in handy new picture book

LCD Views is proud to announce today that in partnership with WTACTUALF Press we have launched a handy new picture book to explain the lifecycle of a stubborn domestic pest infecting our politics.

“It’s the Mikey Takethe Mikey Goveoverus,” Gary, author of the book explains at a star studded launch this morning in Mayfair attended by all of the MSM. Well some of it. Okay. None of it. And it wasn’t in Mayfair.

“It’s to be found in most homes most days,” Gary says, “most domestic pests generally enter through gaps in the skirting boards or the flooring, maybe a window or door left open, but the Mikey gets in through both the television and any functioning radio left on too long.

They are spawned by the people of Surrey Heath who perplexingly keep creating the perfect breeding conditions. From there it spreads across the entirety of the United Kingdom.”

While the latin name is rather long, the common name is just Gove.

“It’s more pernicious than ash dieback, the grey squirrel, those little crayfish in the Thames or even crabs,” Gary adds, “its chief damage is caused through lying and a sociopathic self-interest which leads to a rot in democratic accountability. It’s very pernicious. Very good at spawning itself anew. If its favoured food source is unavailable it will often feed off a very common food source found all over, the Murdoch press (not a tree, but too many have died for it) until it’s ready to breed again.”

But what to do about it?

“Well once Gove gets passed the cocoon stage to the flying monkey from Wizard of Oz it’s severe and hard to treat. The best bet is to not vote for it again when it is in the larval stage.

Once at the flying monkey stage it will choose a larger host to lay its eggs in, like a governing cabinet or a Boris Johnson and then we’re really in for it for four or five years until the lifecycle runs its course again.”

Are there any steps that can be taken by ordinary people to prevent its spread?

“Yes. You could try going to Surrey Heath and asking them wtf they are thinking the next time a general election is called. Probably as soon as June or July.”

The picture book is free with all editions of LCD Views and won’t be found at newsagents or off licenses, but at all good Facebook, Twitter and a web outlet. Together we can take back control and eradicate this invasive pest from our politics. We can do it.

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Cabinet finalising two different options for post Brexit customs union

The brightest and the best of British politics are to meet tomorrow to decide on the preferred option to put to the European Union again for new, post Brexit customs arrangements, having been separated into working groups to decide on options already rejected by the largest trading bloc on Earth. Because that’s how Global Britain rolls.

”I favour a great big whoosh!” said state funded economic arse-onist, Boris Johnson, “bally big fire! Forget the popcorn, bring the marshmallows!”

And while he appears to bafflingly have considerable support amongst colleagues for the ‘just set fire to the world and watch it all burn’ customs arrangements, some of his peers aren’t signed up to his plan.

“Surely we’d be better off putting the pedal to the medal and slamming the economy into the nearest tree?” Ms May, nominal head of the teams asked, “you know, use the technology available. Internal combustion engine, four wheels and a tree? Not everyone will go through the windscreen, surely?”

It’s uncertain which option will be chosen, it’s also highly possible no option will be chosen and the decision delayed again just so Ms May can continue pretending she’s the one making decisions, that she never makes.

Which is par for course for a micro-managing control freak confronted with a big picture decision with more variables than is psychologically safe for her to consider at once.

We asked the European Union what they thought of the tree or flaming zeppelin proposals for post Brexit cross border trade?

”We’ve already said no to both,” a boring foreign chap in a suit droned on relentlessly in a pragmatic way that is just putting everyone in political power in the U.K. to sleep.

So let’s not listen to them. If only they would stop ears dropping on our news and media, it’d all be so much easier. We don’t bother to learn their languages because we’re superior. What right have they to learn ours? They’re just jealous of our exceptionalism.

And all these rules based systems so people don’t destroy industries that take decades of investment and commitment to nuture? Yawn.

We next asked if perhaps the people of the United Kingdom should be tasked with deciding between slamming at full speed into a tree or falling burning and screaming to the ground in terror, or perhaps not doing either?

But John Humphrys phoned us up and shouted like the blinkered, comfortably biased old timer he now is that the PEOPLE HAD A VOTE. Past tense on the democratic front.

It’s all rather confusing. This is because the decisions about our future are being predicated on what keeps a couple of dozen f*ckwits in power a little longer and not what is best for the country. Better get the marshmallows. Or strap yourself in. Take your pick?

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Maybot issues call for help from Downing Street water closet

The fully automated prime ministerial system Maybot 9000 has issued a call for help from the 10 Downing Street water closet after becoming trapped inside with her own screams.

”We’re bloody chuffed,” IT specialist on the project, Mr R Murdoch, told LCD Views, “we didn’t even realise the Maybot 9000 was capable of turning handles, let alone succeeding in locking itself inside a water closet.”

But capable of it she is.

”It’s quite amazing. When we showcased her to the commissioning committee in 2016, we had to prove we had programmed her to push doors with pull written on them. It didn’t occur to anyone to test the AI with handles you can turn.”

But it seems the surprises keep coming, and the call for help, issued this morning was another.

”A Tory 1922 systems platform being capable of going online and utilising social media? Well, none of the actual human simulations can do that. After calling and calling for help and no one answering it seems she got inventive. Which is also odd, as she’s only programmed to use messenger pigeons. Most of those get eaten over London by falcons.

But it seems we may have accidentally produced a Terminator? If the tin can can turn doors. At least so far as civil liberties and anyone not born to inherited wealth who can just buy themselves a burgundy passport is concerned.”

So did a crew go and help her?

”What?”

Surely once the call for help was identified floating about Twitter and Facebook a team was sent to open the door?

”Well she’s locked herself in on the inside. I don’t think anyone is in a great hurry. We’re actually curious to see how long it takes for her to figure a way out of the corner she’s backed herself into.

Right now, we can see from her onboard CCTV, she’s just turning in desperate circles saying, ‘I’m sorry Dave. You ran away. I’m sorry Dave’.”

She’s apologising to someone?

”It sounds more like an accusation. She injects something about making sweet, sweet love to a pig’s face every now and then.”

So how long till she can free herself?

”Based on current performance? I’d say never. She’ll be decommissioned and serve out her long battery life as a flashing light on the turn off to a road to nowhere.”

You mean driving along the road Brexit?

”Oh, she’s already a warning about that. It’s a tangible benefit of the Maybot 9000 project. I hope people are paying attention.”

 

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Man who set his house on fire to now spend his time blaming people who said don’t set your house on fire

A man who set his house on fire while having a right on party with his friends is so upset now that his house is burning he is to spend his time now blaming other people he tricked and forced to attend his party, people who said we don’t want to be at your party, please don’t set your house on fire.

“He should not,” one of his friends advises, “call any firefighters to help, because if the house burns long enough, ten years or more, everyone will see he was right to burn it to the ground. It will burn the rights of tens of millions of people with it and a few of us will get richer. It will be worth it. Then he can just build a new house using money tricked out of the poorest.”

But the man himself looks a little uncertain as the fluffs of ash begin falling on his expensive suit.

“I actually expected the firefighters to help me set the house on fire at first,” the man told us, “they all just stood around at the start going ‘mate, don’t do it, don’t pour that petrol on your house and flick a match on it, it’s not going to end well, it’ll burn more than the massive catalogue of rights for non-wealthy citizens that you expect to turn to ash’. Bloody remoaning firefighters, what use are they? Why don’t they get behind me now and help make a success of the fire? This makes it their fault. By the way, I am a narcissistic buffoon who is psychologically incapable of self examination and learning.”

The man made these comments as the thatch on his house, named Little England, caught fire and a spiralling funnel of black and grey smoke drifted up into the clear sky, blocking out the sun.

“You can see France from my house when it isn’t cloudy,” the man commented, “not that anyone wants to see France. Why would you want to see France? Why would anyone young enough want to take advantage of a month of free rail travel to understand that people are just people regardless of whatever borders people impose to separate and divide and…sorry. I need to reset my robot brain. Right. What have they got over there but the cheese they just have to sell to us or their economy will collapse?”

We asked what he intended to do about the growing blaze now he’d finished ranting about France?

“Watch it burn I guess and blame everyone trying to throw buckets of water on it,” he shrugged, “it’s not my fault. Nobody told me fire was flammable. How could I have known? Is ignorance a defence? If it is I’m very well armoured.”

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May divides her cabinet into the short planks and the nuts

Baffled British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has divided her most loathed piece of furniture, her cabinet, into the short planks and the nuts which comprise it in order to put it back together again and hope it’s more stable.

”She hates her cabinet,” Downing Street insider, Mr Spoon, told LCD Views during a private tour of the building, “we don’t have long. She has to genuflect before Paul Dacre later. So let’s show you the two piles she’s made before she comes back from praying for divine inspiration.”

We moved swiftly down the corridor, attempting not to notice the rank smell pervading everywhere, and failing.

”Don’t worry about the stench. We need to open some windows and air out.”

Is it the Thames?

”It’s customs union policies. They’re all rotten. And whatever you do don’t open the door marked ‘80% of the U.K.’s economy’. You’ll throw up, which won’t help the atmosphere at all.”

What’s behind that door?

”Oh, the determination to pull the U.K. out of the single market to keep the gammon happy. But lucky for us Jeremy ‘principles’ Corbyn is backing May on that one. If you work out why, given the clear loss of potentially 100,000’s of jobs that entails, please tell me why privately.”

We continued past a hessian sack. It was massive. Big enough to easily fit about twenty people in. And it was moving and writhing and groaning.

What’s in the massive sack? Is that where you’re keeping Boris?

“Don’t be silly. Boris is on top of the nut pile. David Davis is on top of the short planks. The sack is all the civil servants we’re keeping prisoner in the hope of them getting Stockholm Syndrome like the rest of us.”

When does May plan on putting the short planks and the nuts back together?

”She’ll put it off as long as possible. She’s playing for time.”

That’s a commodity she’s fast running out of.

”That’s the key to a successful Brexit. No solutions. A giant crash heard all over the world. Anything less no modern British prime minister in the pocket of asset strippers could possibly sign up to.”

We entered the room where the short planks were stacked and the nuts dumped in a pile.

We were shocked. The leader of the Labour Party was there too, in between the piles.

What’s Jeremy Corbyn doing in between the piles?

”Good bloody question. No one can work it out. But whatever you do don’t ask why Labour allegedly handed all its voter details to Leave EU after Corbyn became leader and before the ref in 2016. His presence here is our glue. Without it we may never get the cabinet to stick back together, or make a success of Brexit.”

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Brexit Foods ‘Brexitella’ product recall urged after reports of the runs

Economic health and safety experts have urged a product recall of Brexit Foods ‘Brexitella’ after everyone eating it except for Jacob Reeks of smogg got the runs.

“Who needs experts,” Mr Reeks of smogg asked rhetorically, while squatting with his trousers around his ankles and a jar of Brexitella in his ancient times medieval minded hands, over a map of the Irish Border, “experts ruin populism. This jar holds the taste of blue passports, in every single jar. Now please fetch my nanny to wipe my bum.”

But in spite of the insistence from the faux statesman that Brexitella is good for you, campaigners for better eating have pointed out the list of ingredients was bound to give everyone the shits.

The ingredient list is substantial.

Broken glass because all the jars are pre-broken before sale. Scat from various murky sources, some of them still to be revealed. It would be nice to know where Arron, take your law and shove it, Banks got his millions from in 2015. An escalating cost, even after you’ve purchased a jar and opened it. The future screaming of frustrated British youth while watching a whole continent of their peers enjoy freedoms a bunch of racist, nostalgia freaks and asset strippers decided to strip off them to make tax havens fatter. Electoral fraud. Foreign interference. Lies. Lies. More lies. A big red bus. Boris Johnson. The end of the manufacturing of any noticeable quantity and everyone on the planet thinking we’re a bunch of pillocks. The creation of extremes in British politics dominated by a faith driven mindset that sees all others as heretics. Continual economic decline. The blame game. The holding to ransom of millions of people who legally moved to the U.K., mistakingly believing the United Kingdom was welcoming them as family. A paralysed government, which may not in some ways be completely bad given the government is currently a bunch of people with Tory mindsets lifted straight out of the later Georgian period, but in the end, will ruin everyone hand in hand with the official opposition, which is completely useless because it wants Brexit too. And a disregard of the rule of law, which underpins prosperity in democracies.

There is more to the list. But you get the flavour of it.

“It’s delicious,” Jacob, the ’emerging markets’ specialist, oozed, “try it on a bendy banana. Maybe on an island jammed full of shell companies. Which sell shells!”

We asked our democratic health expert for their opinion, “Just don’t eat it. Return it. That’s our advice and our advice is good for you. Much better than a jar full of Brexit scat which will just give you the runs, even after you’ve decided not to eat it.”