INT KEIR STARMER’S OFFICE DAWN
A big wooden desk with a green leather top. The dawn’s first rays push through a crack in the curtains and drift across it. Dust motes dance in those.
We can hear a turntable’s needle bump, bump, bump. It’s reached the end of the record. Jumping in one rut over and over. The music over.
The sunlight hits a crystal decanter on the desk and creates a prism which fills our eyes now and then as we circle around. It’s all slow, slow motion.
The top is off the decanter. It has a drop or two of amber liquid left inside.
KEIR STARMER sits with his back to the light. We can’t see his face. He’s in shadow.
But we see his hand as it reaches for the decanter. Light bouncing off the gold ring. The well manicured nails. The cuff of a well tailored suit jacket. The pristine white shirt.
The hand takes hold of the decanter. The springs and leather of his chair creak as he tilts his head back.
KEIR STARMER (giggling)
I must not undermine the leader. Those who undermine the leader will be deselected.
He raises that crystal bottle high and tilts.
CLOSE ON
The last drops of liquid as they fall slowly through a sun beam and into the shadow.
Give the bottle a shake. There’s nothing left.
KEIR STARMER (we don’t see his face yet)
Screw it. Just screw it all.
A door opens on the other side of the room just as KEIR STARMER puts the bottle to his mouth and tries to play a tune by blowing inside it.
A youngish man enters. STARMER’S HANDLER. He’s dressed in a Chairman Mao suit. He is attempting to grow a Lenin beard, but it’s all wispy. He has a red book in his hand.
STARMER’S HANDLER
Comrade Starmer. It’s time.
KEIR STARMER (slurred)
I’ll do it. I want to do it. I believe it’s right to do it. The people have decided. It doesn’t matter that it’s complete economic insanity. Hardship builds character.
The young man advances to the table. He’s fast.
STARMER’S HANDLER
Show me your wrists Comrade Starmer. Put out your hands.
KEIR STARMER
I am not wearing those capitalist cufflinks. I am good. I am doing good. I’m wearing the red star ones John gave me. I will never undermine the leader. I am not wrong thinking like Owen. I am not bad like Chuka.
STARMER’S HANDLER
Show me your wrists or I’ll take you to the basement and the hose.
Now for the first time we see KEIR STARMER fully.
A flash of terrified eyes.
He lurches out of his chair and stumbles to the window. Draws the curtains back fully.
He begins to fumble at the latch on the window. He’s too drunk. He can’t work it.
STARMER’S HANDLER puts a whistle to his lips and blows. One fast shrill blast.
KEIR STARMER freezes. Then shivers. Then tries to open the latch again.
KEIR STARMER
I just need some air. I just need a little air.
STARMER’S HANDLER
If I have to blow the whistle again it means you’re very, very naughty. Jeremy and John are waiting to hear you tell the Today programme why we have to leave the single market. John Humphrys will tell you that is the right thing to do because the people had a vote. Once. We can not be late.
KEIR STARMER grows still.
He turns. He offers a hand to the young man, simultaneously tugging at his coat cuff to cover the cufflink at the wrist.
STARMER’S HANDLER smiles. He takes KEIR STARMER by the wrist and begins to lead him from the room.
STARMER’S HANDLER
Be a good comrade Keir.
KEIR STARMER
After the BBC interview can we get some brekkie?
STARMER’S HANDLER
If you say the right things.
KEIR STARMER
Good. I am so very hungry. Can I have some bacon?
STARMER’S HANDLER
Comrade Keir, you know the leader decides what the people eat for breakfast. I believe today it’s jam, but only after study.
STARMER’S HANDLER stops. He examines KEIR STARMER’S wrist.
CLOSE ON
A cufflink with the flag of the European Union.
The two men lock eyes. KEIR STARMER shakes his head.
KEIR STARMER
No. No. No. I didn’t do it. A yellow tory Blairite shill must have snuck in and done it while I slept. Please. Don’t tell the messiah! He’ll tell me I’m a naughty boy!
STARMER’S HANDLER releases him and puts his whistle to his lips.
STARMER’S HANDLER
This is a serious breach of right thinking.
KEIR STARMER runs for the window.
KEIR STARMER’S HANDLER holds the whistle to his lips.
KEIR STARMER’S HANDLER
This is a 43A-i subsection three (whistle blast), chapter 9 (whistle blast), paragraph 37(whistle blast), bullet point 2904 (whistle blast), category blue (whistle blast), violation.
EXT KEIR STARMER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS
We stand facing the window. Looking inside as KEIR STARMER fumbles and curses at the latch inside.
We can just hear the whistle blowing, blowing.
Hands. So many hands begin to cover KEIR STARMER. They drag him away from the window. The curtain slowly closes.
END SCENE