LCD Views is thrilled to have been afforded the opportunity to talk to a popular model of crash test dummy today, just before it undergoes another ‘crash the economy’ test against the customs union wall.
“I’m all strapped in. My hands are on the steering wheel,” the dummy told us, a little breathlessly, “I don’t know which why I’m supposed to turn the wheel though? I never can decide. Each time I undertake a test it leaves me with amnesia. Silly me. What a dummy!”
Don’t worry, you don’t have to steer the test car.
“Why not? But I’m in the driver’s seat.”
You just think you are.
“Now you’re confusing me. Why don’t I have to steer?”
You’re just supposed to crash into that hard, unrelenting, smashifying brick wall as hard as you can and take out as many check and balance bricks as possible!
“Oh! Even a dummy can do that!”
We know. That’s why you’re in the driver’s seat.
“I can turn right. I’m sure I can manage that. As hard right as you like?”
You’ve turned in that direction enough already. Have you seen the damage you’ve done to the test bystanders? I would suggest straightening up a lot before your repeated collisions with the reality wall lead to a heavy far left adjustment that will likely do just as much damage.
“Oh, that far left dummy is already in the car with me! In the back seat. Take a look. He thinks he’ll survive the test too. I’ve told him if I go down he’s coming with me. Did you read those articles stating that Labour shared its entire voter database with Leave EU in the later half of 2015?”
That was not a drill.
“No. Amazing. It’s like the whole test was rigged from the start. Well, here I go. Put the pedal to the medal and hit the wall as hard as you can.”
Do you ever wonder what’s on the other side of the wall?
“Oh, I’m not that big of a dummy. It’s tax havens and mountains of kleptocratic wealth determined to stew the democracies of the world to shit!”
Wow. Enjoy the ride!
“You too! You’re in the boot of the test car!.”
FFS.