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Boris Johnson now expects to be prime minister by Friday

Boris Johnson has broken a vow of temporary silence, taken out of respect for resigning colleague David Davis, to say he now expects to be prime minister by Friday.

”Fibble fobble bamdanglelowstringachapabanjo!” Mr Johnson said, while lumbering about the pavements this morning in active wear.

”Stringfellow gosh! Bosh! RIP! Star spangled jock straps! What ho!” he added, which was interpreted as a farewell message of respect to David Davis.

It’s believed Boris expects to be prime minister by Friday as a result of high profile Tory party MPs publicly expressing support for the Maybot following Davis throwing in the towel.

”It will be best if he makes his leadership play sooner rather than later today,” Tory party insider, Ms Pure Evil, told LCD Views on the condition of anonymity.

To respect that request we have used an actor to voice the rest of her statement.

”Boris has to move swiftly. The greater the clear and obvious nature of Brexit becomes, the less his chance of grabbing the top job. He needs to set aside thoughts of party and think about what’s in his own best interests. That’s my advice right now. What does change at DExEU mean for you Boris? Forget the country. You already have.”

If Mr Johnson manages to find space in the back of Ms May and plunge in that knife he’s held quivering just over her vertebrae for so long, it will mean he will be hosting Donald Trump during his hide ‘n seek tour of Britain.

”Johnson being US slang for a cock, and I don’t mean a male chicken, it would be more fitting if he were prime minister when Trump arrives,” the insider added, “that way we’ll have a pair of Johnsons on display together, hitting their balls about on one of Trump’s alleged mafia money laundering golf courses and everyone will just feel better.”

Your country needs you to get a move on Boris, just not necessarily in the same direction you want to go.

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Jeremy Corbyn resigns as deputy prime minister to fill vacant shoes of Davis heading DExEU

Fantastic news for a worried nation this morning with the announcement that Jeremy Corbyn MP (Avocadoes, Smash and Placards North) has resigned from his cabinet position as deputy prime minister in order to fill the vacant shoes of David Davis as head of DExEU.

”It’s a life line for Britain,” an insider at Downing Street told LCD Views,

“Jeremy tendered his resignation from his voluntary role of propping up May in the middle of the night and demanded control of the department overseeing the UK’s self immolation by extreme ideologies,

”Lots of words and complete inaction are vital to make a success of running DExEU. It’s a long game department. He’s a perfect fit. Best of all, the new responsibilities won’t get in the way of his camping holidays, as he’s already got those booked.”

The sideways shift in the cabinet should calm the fevered brows of hard Brexiters within the government too.

”This will make May’s position more secure, be in no doubt,” senior Brexiter, Bernard Jenkins told us, before returning to his constant past time of burying the dreams of youth, “David Davis was another of those secret remainers that are all through government and making a hash of Brexit. But with a true believer in Brexit in post at DExEU, we are more confident of a complete crash out now.”

Why Davis chose near midnight on a Sunday to depart, along with Steve Baker, is open to speculation, so we will.

”It was the most gutless time to do it,” our political intelligence operative suggests, “wrong foots May. She will have just finished polishing her selection of power neck chains and be asking her husband to count their personal wealth again. She wouldn’t be expecting this. Davis is an SAS legend. You’d expect him to go out in a blaze of glory, at a time when he could face the press and be held to account.”

One thing is certain, when the going gets tough, the tough get going, as far away as possible from the mess they spent years creating and absolutely zero time planning.

We would like to wish Mr Corbyn all the success possible in his new role and wonder what other strides he could be making right now if he was actually in opposition.

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May says no need for services inclusion in EU trade deal as the Church of England refuses to conduct them in Latin

Details of the latest EU trade deal that Theresa May is trying to believe in are emerging. Rumours have it that goods have been included, but not services.

May’s spokesman, Max Fack, explains.

“The problem is the language barrier,” claimed Fack. “Our services use the Book of Common Prayer. It’s in English because we are Anglicans. Johnny Foreigner won’t be able to understand, bless him, so we wanted to conduct services in Latin. Unfortunately, the Church of England refused to cooperate.”

Isn’t Latin a bit out of date? And isn’t English a lingua franca in any case?

“Lingua franca?” said Fack, puzzled. “Does he play for Italy?”

It means a common tongue, originally applied to a European trading language.

“Oh, like Latin, then,” said a relieved Fack. “I bet the backward Europeans still use it!”

“Mr Fack is completely off his rocker,” stated Bishop Halle Luya. “The church is adaptable to many languages and cultures. Nobody uses Latin any more, although admittedly there are a few which conduct services in Klingon.”

So services in Latin are not the answer?

“Not at all,” replied the Bishop. “It’s great that the vicar’s daughter is encouraging trade in services. We are pushing for free movement of people though, to stop worshippers from sitting in the same pew week in week out.”

“I like sitting in the same pew every week!” grumbled Fack. “I still haven’t set foot in 75% of my church, and no amount of trendy vicars will make me change my mind!”

“I think the Bishop is being deliberately obstructive,” Fack continued. “It’s this negative, traitorous attitude which is holding us back. A quick call to the Daily Mail should sort things out.”

The Church of England was created by breaking away from Europe, so that the King could do as he pleased and steal all its money. There must be a Brexit metaphor in there somewhere.

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May emerges triumphant after Chequers meeting went to extra time and penalties

The Prime Minister hailed the deal she hammered out at Chequers as a great victory. But it was a close run thing, some say. There was deadlock, even after May allowed extra time for debate. The issue was finally settled once and for all by a penalty shoot-out.

“I’m just so proud of the boys,” said a perspiring May afterwards. “They stuck to the game plan and kept their nerve. It’s a great night for England!”

May went on to claim that the result was “an overwhelming mandate” and that “Brexit is coming home!”.

“Let me be entirely clear about this,” she vacillated. “We won 4-3 on penalties, and you can’t get much more overwhelming than that! It’s coming home at last. Remember 1966? Free love, drugs, The Beatles. Good times, and we are taking control and bringing the good times back.”

A bunch of cheering cabinet ministers joined Captain May at this point, dancing and hugging one another. “Two World Wars and TWO World Cups!” they sang, over and over again. “Ingerland! Ingerland!”

The only person not enjoying himself was Boris Johnson. Boris revealed that it was he who scored the winning penalty, but for which side he was not too sure.

“It’s a gigantic turd!” he remarked, in one of his pot-and-kettle moments. “It’s horseshit, bullshit, and a humungous pile of poo. You can polish it all you like, and God knows I’ve polished a few turds in my time, but a turd is still a turd.”

Further analysis revealed that this heap of stinking manure was dwarfed only by the fudge mountain on the lawn outside Chequers. Both were being cleared away, and delivered by the lorry load to the nation’s gutter press.

The nation is now firmly behind May as she plots further glories for this outstanding team. “If we can beat ourselves,” she remarks, “we can beat anybody!”

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Every cell in Donald Trump’s brain connected to his ego according to scans

A leaked scan of Donald Trump’s brain has proven most enlightening in revealing how the most powerful man in America’s thought processes work.

Set on maximum magnification, the scan eventually revealed some small traces of brain, but more than that, every single cell in his brain was connected individually to his ego.

Exactly who leaked the scan has not been confirmed, although suspicions are rife among both his medical team and his White House colleagues.

Dr Nora Ollagist, noted brain expert, was available for comment:

“It’s unlike any human brain we’ve ever seen – which does support the claim made by some that he is in fact not human. For one thing it’s far too small, the image was pushed up to full magnification to get even that tiny dot. Moreover, in a normal human brain the ego is just a small part of it, whereas here it has a connection to every single brain cell, we checked and double-checked. This means that his every conscious or unconscious thought is channelled through his ego, meaning that he is incapable of saying or doing anything that is not entirely self-serving.”

Mr Trump himself had the following comment to make:

“This is fake news. Totally fake, the bigliest fake news you’ve ever seen. I have an anonymous – uh, anomalous – uh, really big brain. The biggest brain you’ll ever see. Really huge, you know? And besides, everything I do, say or think always makes the world a much better place. Much better. Better than Obama ever did, for sure.”

When challenged to produce medical evidence to back this up, Trump provided a child-like drawing of a head, labelled “the Donald’s bigly brain” in crayon.

The picture has been passed on to a team of medical experts. We will let you know their report when they finish laughing.

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Chequers meeting twelve hours of staring at photo of Corbyn and primal screaming

LCD Views has the scoop on the historic meeting of the cabinet at Chequers yesterday, after an insider phoned to tell us it was “just twelve hours of staring at a photo of Jeremy Corbyn and primal screaming.”

It seems the thinking behind the group therapy focus on the man some believe to be leading the official opposition was only the fear of “commies raiding their chests of tax dodging treasure” could get the squabbling cabinet of self serving maniacs to adopt the outward appearance of common cause.

”Now we have restored collective cabinet responsibility crashing out of the EU to asset strip the U.K. will be much easier.”

This is because the negotiations with the EU are very straightforward, whereas the last few years have shown that internal negotiations by the Tory cabinet are hardly the easiest deal in history.

”I don’t honestly know what we’d do without a disaster socialist sitting on his hands waiting for the entire country to become a dumpster fire?” the insider mused, “but having those old Trots on the flip side of the ideological coin to our disaster capitalists at this time has been immensely helpful.”

To ensue the results of the primal scream therapy stay effective changes were made to the screensavers on all cabinet minister’s confiscated mobile phones.

”Every time a Tory cabinet minister looks at his smart phone now he’ll see a screensaver of either Corbyn, McDonnell or Owen Jones. It will keep them rigidly in line.”

Gavin Williamson will be the exception though.

”We’ve put a photo of Putin on his phone. So little Gav can see the man who’s playing him like a fiddle day in and day out.”

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Government’s new Brexit white paper to change colour after use by ministers

Great news for people caught short on future trade policy today with the revelation that the much anticipated new Brexit white paper will change colour after use by cabinet, and junior, ministers.

”This is so we can tell if they’ve actually handled it,” Cabinet minister, David Lidington, told LCD Views ‘Small rooms but big thoughts’ correspondent.

The move to manufacture the latest plethora of insanity which will bare little relation to anything that can be put into practice, out of a material that easily shows use, was in response to the gobsmacking news that only 6% of ministers had so far bothered to read the Brexit impact assessments produced by DExEU, after denials of their existence.

”That’s not too surprising,” Mr Lidington said, “to be fair, anyone with half a brain new what the impact of Brexit was going to be. That’s why so many shorted the pound on the night of the referendum back in 2016. They look forward to doing that again as future manufactured crisis occurs. It’ll give them more buying power when it’s time to asset strip the whole bally show. Ha!”

Details of what will be contained in the white paper are as yet uncertain, although reassuringly copies will be sent to all EU27 heads in their own languages.

”This is because we’re so blinking thick in government it never occurs to us they actually speak English. So a little patronisation ought to grease the wheels. What ho!”

What is certain is that whatever sticks to the new rolls of white paper produced by May’s government will be exactly the same as if you asked all the cabinet ministers to bend over with their pants down and wiped their butts, and then called the result a policy document.

Wipe for Britain! Before your government wipes all over you.

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JLR CEO admits Owen Paterson knows more about cars than he does

The boss of Jaguar Land and Rover was left red faced and sweaty yesterday after admitting professional piece of chipboard, Owen Paterson MP (for being a piece of chipboard) knows more about making and selling cars than he does.

”It’s right up there with my recurring dream about turning up for work with no trousers on,” the red faced car giant said, visibly shaken, “a total nightmare. Schooled by Paterson? No one has ever said that before!”

The hard lesson in international trade was delivered to the boss of one of the UK’s biggest automakers after the know it all blathered in the press about the cost to manufacturing of Brexit, which he estimates at a nominal £1.2Bn per year for all three firms that comprise Jaguar, Land and Rover.

”It’s a good thing Owen was there to remind me that we can source exhausts more cheaply from an independent supplier in Patagonia,” JLR’s man mumbled,

“for years we’ve been modelling various Brexit scenarios and not once did it occur to us to factor in the ‘what if’s’ of the glorious and instantaneous free trade deals Liam Fox is arranging for the day after Brexit,

“I feel such a fool now. Just in time and just in sequence, those are the sort of trade deals our government will deliver to keep my business both in Britain and in the black,

“Hundreds of thousands of British workers have Owen Paterson MP (for being a piece of chipboard) to thank for educating me on the exciting possibilities Brexit opens up for automakers in our United Kingdom.”

In order to provide balance we sought further comment from the wise old head of British manufacturing himself.

”These so called captains of industry,” Paterson shrugged, “It’s come to something when a humble publicly funded zealot like myself has to explain their business to them. But there you have it,

“For two years we’ve tried threatening multi-nationals behind closed doors to get behind Brexit and push,

”Then we tried financial “incentives”,

“Now they’ve shown themselves to have weak knees and begun running about the press like headless chickens banging on about profit and loss, customs, tariffs, extra red tape, country of origin and all those other boring things great minds ignore, we’ve had to swap tack.”

And what tack have you swapped to?

”Jamming our fingers firmly in our ears and going ‘nah nah nah nah’, until they shut up and go away.”

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Farage vows to return to football if England fail to roast Swedes

Radio talk show host and non-attending European parliament salary man Nigel Farage has vowed that he will return to football to lead England’s forward line the if current team fails to beat Sweden in their World Cup quarter final Saturday.

Speaking on his LBC chat show, “Drive-you-round-the-bend-time with Nigel Farage”, Farage promised listeners that if current forwards of choice Harry Kane and Jamie Vardy fail to do the business against the blonde haired blue eyed Scandinavians he will dig out his old togger boots and return to the position he gallantly held for Dulwich College juniors B team in the 1970s.

The seven times unelected MP and former leader of the fringe United kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), reminisced on air about his time as the team’s centre forward and leading goal scorer.

“…then there was the time I got my mate Arron to put on a grown up voice and call the opposition’s games teacher to tell him that the kick off time had been moved back two hours,” he laughed explaining how the cunning dummy had enabled him to score a hat trick within two minutes of kick off, until the ref had abandoned play and awarded Dulwich the match.

“Eighty Eight minutes left for a few crafty fags and a tin of Watneys Red Barrel round the back of the bike sheds – minty!” He added.

Commenting on his fitness to lead the England attack, Farage pointed out that the father of current first choice striker Harry Kane is Irish and had he been born in London today Harry would not have been able to claim citizenship.

“He’d be happier in Ireland – I mean look at that hair…!” he sneered, adding that second choice striker Jamie Vardy was clearly of Italian origin.

“Vardy, Vardini, Vardicci ? You can almost smell the spaghetti,” barked Farage adding defensively that his French surname was a genealogical anomaly caused by a distant Huguenot ancestor marrying a German.

“…and becoming more bloody English than any of that shower,” he added pointing out that half the England team were either born abroad or who, having parents who were born abroad, should never have been let in, in the first place.

“If they can’t manage to roast those bloody Swedes, let’s send them all back. I’m ready to step in, and return to the fray,” he added.

Called in to advise on the best way to roast swedes, TV chef and self styled smug self sufficiency successor to Felicity Kendal (aka Barbara Good), Huge Farting Wildebeest, suggested a no holds barred approach.

“Peel them, chop them, coat them in goose fat and a selection of home grown herbs, and stick them in the oven alongside the turkey,” he cooed.

“Better not mention Turkey to Nigel though,” he winked.

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Farage to return to frontline politics after growing new supporters in lab

Great news for lovers of democracy today with the announcement that the hero of Little England, Nigel “I take the piss out of fishermen for fun” Farage is all set to return to frontline politics after growing a new generation of supporters in a laboratory.

“It’s groundbreaking stuff for the democratic process,” a technician from the ‘Make Meat Great Again’ movement, supporting Mr Farage’s return, told LCD Views.

“For years scientists have been attempting to grow pure British meat in a dish. Now they have achieved this amazing ecological advance, we aim to take the technology and immediately use it to grow a mass of climate change denying, racism fuelled bigots to vote for Nigel.”

But won’t that offset the potential environmental gains of the technology?

“That’s the entire point! Well, it’s part of the point. Most of the point is to ensure Nigel finally wins a parliamentary seat so he can not turn up for work in Westminster too. Just like his dedicated and principled stance of taking masses of public money with his MEP’s salary and doing f*ck all to justify it, except sow division on the public stage. It will just be great to see him elected to Westminster, but never there. Lab grown meat can realise this for the democratic process.”

But detractors of the ambitious plan have been quick to point out that a slab of meat grown in a dish won’t be able to vote.

“Seriously? I bet you’re a remainer? How the hell do you think the Conservatives are going to survive the next general election if they can’t change the law to allow a petri dish parented slab of gammon to cast a ballot? Get with the times!”

The laboratory that will be used to grow the new generation of Farage support will be based in Argentina.

“It used to be purposed to clone Hitlers. But they could never get the moustache right. And now thanks to the international coalition of tyrannical kleptocrats and greedy Western politicians, they don’t need to carry on. Brexit. Trump. Orban. Le Pencil. Others. Who needs to clone a toothbrush moustache leader when we’ve plenty on the world stage for slabs of gammon to back already. We just need the voters now. And best of all, once the meat has voted, we can slap it in a pan and fry it for lunch. Which is exactly what we have been doing with the old generation of gammon focused voters for decades.”

Get some pork on your fork.

“And give a ballot to a collection of cells with no functioning higher intelligence.”

So, in spite of the headlines about growing meat in a lab and letting it vote, nothing is actually new under the sun then?

“Now, now. Don’t be rude. These are people who vote for charlatans and bigots. If you hurt their feelings, they’ll never come around to your way of thinking. Hug a dish. Hug a petri dish.”