LCD Views

Great news for critics of Iain Duncan Smith’s flagship poor person elimination scheme, Universal Credit, with the announcement that Universal Credit is to be scrapped and replaced with involuntary tickets in the weekly Conservative Party funding lottery.

“It’s a sign that your government is listening to your concerns,” empathy void Andrea Loathsome told LCD Views,

“apparently some people were finding it hard to manage on below subsistence level welfare payments twinned with kafkaesque eligibility mazes and have actually taken to begging for food at banks,

“This is just embarrassing. What must their friends think? Although I suppose their friends are also workshy curtain twitchers. The poor and criminal classss really are incorrigible.”

But in spite of reservations within the party that opening their prize drawers up to dirty, poor people would lessen the status of a major political party using gambling to fund itself, the scheme has gotten the go ahead because no sane business will donate to the Tories, because of Brexit.

”Oh, let’s not get carried away,” Loathsome corrected, “oligarchs looking to make useful, heavily compromised idiots out of your elected representatives will still throw us bundles of unmarked bills,

”So too hedge fund racketeers who need us to crash out of the European Union for them to cash in, but even so, we’re finding ourselves a little short because we’ve so many secret scandals to throw money at. This is to make them go away, allegedly.”

How the lottery funding will work isn’t entirely clear long term, as it is expected to reduce the number of people claiming the benefit of funding the Tories.

”What matters is how we get through to tomorrow,” Loathsome said. “making everyone on benefits enter a lottery to fund our party with their welfare payments, and the chance that one of them may even win some money to payback a loan shark? Well, what an opportunity. That’s put the c back into con-servatives. Oh, and just to be clear, so there’s no complaints if you win, all prizes will be paid in roubles.”

Ms Loathsome went on to finish,

”It actually brings ourselves and welfare recipients closer together. Under the world we’ve created we’re only surviving day to day now too.”

The Prime Minister hailed the deal she hammered out at Chequers as a great victory. But it was a close run thing, some say. There was deadlock, even after May allowed extra time for debate. The issue was finally settled once and for all by a penalty shoot-out.

“I’m just so proud of the boys,” said a perspiring May afterwards. “They stuck to the game plan and kept their nerve. It’s a great night for England!”

May went on to claim that the result was “an overwhelming mandate” and that “Brexit is coming home!”.

“Let me be entirely clear about this,” she vacillated. “We won 4-3 on penalties, and you can’t get much more overwhelming than that! It’s coming home at last. Remember 1966? Free love, drugs, The Beatles. Good times, and we are taking control and bringing the good times back.”

A bunch of cheering cabinet ministers joined Captain May at this point, dancing and hugging one another. “Two World Wars and TWO World Cups!” they sang, over and over again. “Ingerland! Ingerland!”

The only person not enjoying himself was Boris Johnson. Boris revealed that it was he who scored the winning penalty, but for which side he was not too sure.

“It’s a gigantic turd!” he remarked, in one of his pot-and-kettle moments. “It’s horseshit, bullshit, and a humungous pile of poo. You can polish it all you like, and God knows I’ve polished a few turds in my time, but a turd is still a turd.”

Further analysis revealed that this heap of stinking manure was dwarfed only by the fudge mountain on the lawn outside Chequers. Both were being cleared away, and delivered by the lorry load to the nation’s gutter press.

The nation is now firmly behind May as she plots further glories for this outstanding team. “If we can beat ourselves,” she remarks, “we can beat anybody!”

LCD Views has the scoop on the historic meeting of the cabinet at Chequers yesterday, after an insider phoned to tell us it was “just twelve hours of staring at a photo of Jeremy Corbyn and primal screaming.”

It seems the thinking behind the group therapy focus on the man some believe to be leading the official opposition was only the fear of “commies raiding their chests of tax dodging treasure” could get the squabbling cabinet of self serving maniacs to adopt the outward appearance of common cause.

”Now we have restored collective cabinet responsibility crashing out of the EU to asset strip the U.K. will be much easier.”

This is because the negotiations with the EU are very straightforward, whereas the last few years have shown that internal negotiations by the Tory cabinet are hardly the easiest deal in history.

”I don’t honestly know what we’d do without a disaster socialist sitting on his hands waiting for the entire country to become a dumpster fire?” the insider mused, “but having those old Trots on the flip side of the ideological coin to our disaster capitalists at this time has been immensely helpful.”

To ensue the results of the primal scream therapy stay effective changes were made to the screensavers on all cabinet minister’s confiscated mobile phones.

”Every time a Tory cabinet minister looks at his smart phone now he’ll see a screensaver of either Corbyn, McDonnell or Owen Jones. It will keep them rigidly in line.”

Gavin Williamson will be the exception though.

”We’ve put a photo of Putin on his phone. So little Gav can see the man who’s playing him like a fiddle day in and day out.”