Great news for critics of Iain Duncan Smith’s flagship poor person elimination scheme, Universal Credit, with the announcement that Universal Credit is to be scrapped and replaced with involuntary tickets in the weekly Conservative Party funding lottery.
“It’s a sign that your government is listening to your concerns,” empathy void Andrea Loathsome told LCD Views,
“apparently some people were finding it hard to manage on below subsistence level welfare payments twinned with kafkaesque eligibility mazes and have actually taken to begging for food at banks,
“This is just embarrassing. What must their friends think? Although I suppose their friends are also workshy curtain twitchers. The poor and criminal classss really are incorrigible.”
But in spite of reservations within the party that opening their prize drawers up to dirty, poor people would lessen the status of a major political party using gambling to fund itself, the scheme has gotten the go ahead because no sane business will donate to the Tories, because of Brexit.
”Oh, let’s not get carried away,” Loathsome corrected, “oligarchs looking to make useful, heavily compromised idiots out of your elected representatives will still throw us bundles of unmarked bills,
”So too hedge fund racketeers who need us to crash out of the European Union for them to cash in, but even so, we’re finding ourselves a little short because we’ve so many secret scandals to throw money at. This is to make them go away, allegedly.”
How the lottery funding will work isn’t entirely clear long term, as it is expected to reduce the number of people claiming the benefit of funding the Tories.
”What matters is how we get through to tomorrow,” Loathsome said. “making everyone on benefits enter a lottery to fund our party with their welfare payments, and the chance that one of them may even win some money to payback a loan shark? Well, what an opportunity. That’s put the c back into con-servatives. Oh, and just to be clear, so there’s no complaints if you win, all prizes will be paid in roubles.”
Ms Loathsome went on to finish,
”It actually brings ourselves and welfare recipients closer together. Under the world we’ve created we’re only surviving day to day now too.”