LCD Views

PANIC OVER : We all know that the public is easily bored of such mundane parts of everyday life like food and fuel, which is why the UK government is forever inventing new baubles and medals.

While it’s all very well for peers, nurses, care workers and royalty to get all the medals, what about the everyday man and woman in the street? How does he feel as he watches the knife fight by the pumps? He is bristling with resentment at the awareness a nurse who has so far survived the pandemic is paying her carparking fees with a badge and he’s got nothing?

Well, to help foster the spirt of national cohesion that will drive Brexit Britain forward, the government have come up with a wonderful solution.

“This is why we engineered a fuel panic buying crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s definitely not because we’re just incredibly stupid. We’re actually magnificently malicious. But we’ll give you a bit of plastic you can pin on your shirt and feel proud about it.”

The badges themselves will say “PETROL” and will be distributed on all petrol forecourts so people can drive home believing they have filled up.

“Your tank will be bursting with pride once you pin on your PETROL badge,” the source tells LCD Views. “This is not just gesture politics. This is a meaningful gesture, especially as you’ll be paying for it.”

It’s hoped the quiet satisfaction the badges will imbue will help people hold out patiently while the remaining four soldiers the Tories have yet to cut from the Armed Forces come to you personally with a thimble of fuel.

Get your PETROL badge today and pin it on yourself with pride. Just be careful. Don’t try and eat it! Wait till next week when we start handing out FOOD badges at the supermarket!

FESTIVAL OF THE DAMNED : GREAT NEWS TODAY OUT OF 10 DOWNING STREET with the announcement that the day Home Office Secretary Priti Patel ENDED FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT FOR GOOD is to become a national holiday.

The new bank holiday has been nicknamed FUKTARD as that combines the elements of what the UK has done to itself and sounds a little bit like custard.

“The custard reference will bring to mind our world beating Prime Minister and the famous bin bag full of custard reference,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And the FUK is pretty self evident. We think it’s a catchy name for what will be a vigorous annual festival of cannibalism, and if we’re lucky, a prelude to a full blown zombie apocalypse.”

It’s believed the timing of the announcement is a little suspicious though, coming as it does during the Labour Conference in Brighton.

“It’s not true that we’re trying to get Laura K’s attention back. She’s still doing her best work in Brighton,” the source dismissed. “Let us focus on the positives of Brexit. Namely being nasty to foreigners. This is why Freedom of Movement Ending is such a victory for the UK. And because they’re economically illiterate and think foreigners were to blame too, the Lexiters can help us celebrate. They must be worn out from all the years they spent demanding better pay and conditions for HGV drivers before Brexit. As it could have been done anytime during our membership. But all that is over now. So let’s burn some effigies of food with our last gallon of petrol and celebrate!”

To help people get in the mood for FUKTARD a warning klaxon will sound in the days leading up to it.

“Or that could just be Johnson simulating air raids as he’s run out of ideas to distract the public from his endless crisis in government,” the source explains. “We’re still nailing down the fine details of FUKTARD DAY, but you’re invited. Whether you like it or not. After all, the people have decided.”

WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON appears currently to be missing in action as his country is overwhelmed by one crisis after another, caused by Boris Johnson. But a source inside 10 Downing Street says this is not so.

“Yes he is nowhere to be seen, that much is obvious,” acknowledges the Downing Street voice. “But that doesn’t mean he is idle. And he is not fitting out the emergency fridge with gold wallpaper, as some scurrilous reports suggest. He is hard at work in negotiations with the EU.”

The negotiations are said to revolve around the UK rejoining the Single Market on an “emergency basis” for three months. This will make saving Christmas easier and take care of other temporary teething problems being experienced by Brexit UK.

“The Home Secretary is supportive. She will get to round up and throw out EU workers again. It gets her giddy. Rishi Sunak has said ‘whatever man’ as he is currently having his hair styled for a Christmas calendar. The rest of the cabinet are also nodding along. That’s because they value staying in the cabinet above anything else. So it’s a cinch. We’re just going to explain to the EU they need us more than we need them and we’re back in.”

What the Commission thinks about this, or indeed EU member states individually is not important, because we’re British.

“We will need a bit of sleight of hand to pull it off though,” the source admits. “Most of the ongoing negotiations revolve around convincing the EU to rename the Single Market the Great British Single Market. This way we can pretend domestically that they have some asking us to rejoin. It’s pretty straight forward.”

And just in case you are wondering what Plan B is if this fails.

“This is no Plan B under the administration of Boris Johnson, or Major Crisis as we’ve nicknamed him indoors.”

KNIGHTS IN SHINING AUDIS: The cavalry is coming! Over the hill… across the channel… and straight into an endless queue to buy the last gallon of unleaded in the country.

A fleet of elegant, modern, continental vehicles rolled smoothly off the ferry, putting the English jalopies and Eastern European rejects to shame. Unfortunately they arrived on Great British roads. Almost immediately they were forced to follow an old boy in a 1960s Hillman Imp, weaving in and out of the lanes, making it impossible to pass. But there was a Union Jack sticker on the corroded chrome bumper, so that was all right.

Then there were the boy racers, zooming in and out of the traffic with no regard to the rules of the road, motor car safety, or bye-laws on noise management.

By the time that these classic British hazards had been negotiated, the little Woke ‘low fuel’ light was flashing, so the sleek limousines pulled into the nearest filling station.

Except that the queue was over a mile long, and the overhead signs read “No fuel at services”.

The drivers made a calculation in that rational way that only Germans deem necessary. There’s enough fuel left to make it back to the port, they decided. One swift U-Turn later, almost as swift as Boris Johnson caught in a disaster of his own making, and the Saviours of Britain were beating a hasty retreat. The snowflake Germans were jeered on their way by coughing, scurvy-riddled, patriotic peasants with most of their teeth missing.

In retreat, the Germans sent a message to the rump of British Command. We tried to rescue you and your economy, as promised, but British motorists and total lack of Unleaded thwarted the attempt. Goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen pet.

The German car manufacturers have finally made it. They came, they saw, they went home as quickly as possible.

MOLOTOV COCKTAIL DEAD CAT : IDIOTS and UNPATRIOTIC TYPES can NOT BE FORGIVEN for BELIEVING that the country’s empty petrol stations are a source of concern for 10 Downing Street.

“It’s the opposite,” a source inside 10 Downing Street TOLD LCD Views. “It’s a real and tangible benefit. And the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I mean have you looked around you? Talk about a multi-catastrofuck. The entire country is going down the pan because we got Brexit done. Thank God for the fuel crisis! That’s really focused minds.”

Focused minds and taken them away (temporarily) from all the other crisis now ongoing.

“We’ve got the pandemic still raging which is now essentially democide in the form of interpretive governance dance. We’ve got the food supply chain difficulties that pre-existed the petrol crisis. We’ve got an NHS waiting lists crisis because we wanted the public to take the virus on the chin. This is because none of us understand economics. Forget about seeing a dentist. Trash piling up in the streets in Kent. That’s the bits we haven’t carparked for Brexit. We got a gas crisis. A burnt down connector to France crisis that no one is bothering to wonder about. Phew! An international credibility crisis. We’re just hoping if we ignore NI that it will go away. The Scots ready to leave the country which means parking the nukes in the Thames. A crisis of food poverty because we’ve spent over a decade deliberately creating poverty by policy. Ministers routinely breaking the law, but thankfully getting away with it. Racists unhappy because we’re not placing naval mines into the Channel. But we still need to bait them after spending years grooming them. And on top of all of this we still have to save Christmas. Which means finding a way to get turkeys to market after we’ve made it illegal for the workers trained to do it to come to Blighty. What fuel crisis? That’s the wrong question. Thank god for the fuel crisis!”

It couldn’t come at a better time.

THE IDIOT’S IDIOT : THE UK’S ENTITLED WRECKING BALL lord frost IS TO DEMAND THE EU RENEGOTIATE BREXIT.

Demands to renegotiate Brexit were expected to be an annual UK festival but now that Brexit is done the festival has become weekly. We all just love doing it so much.

In part the popularity of the event is to keep the EU talking to the UK. Even if we are now the aged, soiled drunk in the corner of the bar attempting to barge our way into a group of functional people having a good time. We think we’re a lovable rogue (with barely a pound in our pocket) and we don’t care what they think. But it is also in part because the charlatans who delivered Brexit don’t have any ideas what to do about the crises they’ve delivered. Best try and keep the focus on Europe! If we make enough fuss maybe they’ll give us what we want to shut us up.

If the EU agrees to reopen negotiations it will be a substantial win for Brexit.

“They have to play ball,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s in their interest as much as ours. Really, they still need us more than we need them but they just haven’t realised yet that we hold all the cards.”

It is hoped the German automotive sector will apply pressure on the Commission to begin the renegotiation. Soon the HGV drivers will come flooded back across the English Channel.

“It’s obvious that the moment we left the EU we became more powerful than they could possibly imagine. They just haven’t realised it yet. In the interim, don’t drive your car, don’t go to the pharmacy, don’t eat more than you need to subsist, don’t watch what’s happening to democratic principles of governance, but do wait for Boris Johnson’s to emerge from hiding with a classical reference about petrol refineries. Because that will help imbue confidence in the market.”