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Many Tory MPs officially unemployed as they don’t work enough hours

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : STUNNING STATISTICS TODAY FROM THE DEPARTMENT FOR WORK AND PENSIONS, FOLLOWING A FREEDOM REQUEST BY AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE.

The Source is said to have become concerned that Tory MPs were working too hard and many at risk of exhaustion. The concern resulted from the clearly baffled and disorientated interviews given by Tory meat shields of late.

“I figured it’s exhaustion,” the Source told LCD Views. “There’s a lot of problems facing the UK due solely to global supply chain issues and I figured the poor buggers never get a moments rest.”

But the Source discovered the opposite when they received the requested information.

“Most of them are officially listed as unemployed due to not working enough hours each week to qualify as being in employment,” the source explains. “Due to a quirk in our parliamentary system they still get paid. This leads to a lot of confusion. Most members of the public blithely assume their animated blue rosettes are working for their constituencies. This is most definitely not the case. MPs are too busy seeking additional means of income to focus on what is in theory their job.”

The misunderstanding has been made worse by Tory MPs reportedly having numerous jobs at the same time.

“None of them work an hour a week in any of the jobs,” the source says. “In spite of being paid tens of thousands of pounds per year. There’s a real fear that if a way is found to automate handing over a book of government contacts then the MPs will be entirely redundant. The system needs reform. They should be able to add all the hours they spend as lobbyists together and then they’ll be spared the shame of being listed as unemployed.”

In the interim the MPs are advised to apply for Universal Credit.

“You may as well get what you can,” the source shrugs. “How they’re expected to make ends meet on just £82K a year, with benefits, expenses and pension, is beyond me. Have you seen the rate of inflation lately!”

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Strategie avanzate per aumentare le vincite nel gioco del plinko online

strategia vincente per plinko online

Non lasciarti affascinare da promozioni esageratamente convenienti, che sono del tutto fuori da qualsiasi razionalità. I suggerimenti per verificare se Plinko è affidabile e il sito che lo ospita sia altrettanto sicuro, riguardano ad esempio i termini e le condizioni. Dovrebbero infatti essere esattamente quelli stabiliti in ottemperanza alle normative di riferimento sul gioco d’azzardo. Verifica che sia presente un servizio dedicato all’assistenza dei clienti, meglio ancora se disponibile in live chat. Controlla le recensioni degli altri giocatori per farti un’idea generale sulla reputazione dell’azienda che gestisce il portale.

Guida ai giochi più popolari nei casinò online

I giocatori che scelgono un alto rischio possono aspettarsi moltiplicatori più grandi, ma le probabilità di vincita diminuiscono. Questi moltiplicatori si trovano spesso ai bordi del campo di gioco, rendendoli più difficili da raggiungere. Il gioco di Plinko inizia con la scelta dell’importo della scommessa, del livello di rischio e del numero di righe (di solito da 8 a 16). La pallina cade dall’alto del campo di gioco, rimbalza sugli ostacoli e finisce in una delle celle con moltiplicatori in basso. Il tuo obiettivo — è far cadere la pallina nella cella con il moltiplicatore più alto.

Scommesse Basse vs. Scommesse Alte

Stabilire pause, riflettere sui risultati e restare lucidi sono strategie efficaci per combattere le influenze negative durante il gioco. Un aspetto spesso trascurato nel gioco d’azzardo è il ruolo delle emozioni. Essere consapevoli delle proprie emozioni e della loro influenza sulle decisioni di gioco è cruciale per mantenere un atteggiamento sano verso il Plinko Casino. Giocatori impulsivi possono facilmente cadere nella trappola di scommesse irrazionali, che possono portare a perdite significative. La tabella sopra mostra che diversi slot offrono probabilità e premi diversi, quindi è fondamentale considerare questi fattori quando si effettua una scommessa. Inoltre, giocare a lungo termine e non farsi plinko gioco influenzare dall’emozione del momento contribuirà a garantire che le scelte siano più razionali.

Recensione Ninja Luxe Premier 3 in 1: la macchina da caffè versatile e moderna

Inoltre, sono disponibili speciali sfere moltiplicatrici per aggiungere maggiore brio. Anche se una grande vincita può sembrare allettante, giocare con moderazione garantisce che il divertimento duri più a lungo. Per ottenere risultati favorevoli nel gioco, è fondamentale scegliere l’approccio più adatto alle proprie esigenze e stili di gioco. Ecco alcuni suggerimenti pratici che possono guidarti nella tua decisione. Anche se noi giocatori sviluppiamo strategie vincenti, Plinko è sempre un gioco d’azzardo.

Alla base del tabellone si trovano una serie di caselle con valori premiati. Queste caselle possono avere diversi premi, come punti, premi in denaro o altre ricompense. Stabilisci un limite di spesa prima di iniziare a giocare e attieniti a questo. Sfrutta anche i bonus offerti dai casinò per aumentare il tuo bankroll e prolungare il divertimento. Vincere a Plinko non significa trovare un sistema infallibile, ma costruire un approccio consapevole, disciplinato e strategico a un gioco che rimane comunque fondato sulla casualità. Alcune versioni hanno livelli di rischio più alti, con payout più elevati, mentre altre versioni sono meno rischiose ma con premi più piccoli.

Come funziona Plinko? Capire le basi del gioco

Non prendere il gioco troppo sul serio e non aspettarti di vincere ogni volta. Scopriremo come il plinko ha guadagnato popolarità e quali elementi lo rendono unico nel panorama del gioco d’azzardo. Con questa guida, i lettori potranno immergersi nel mondo intrigante del plinko e sfruttarne appieno il potenziale, trasformando le proprie scommesse in storie di successo. Verifica licenza, metodi di pagamento, assistenza in italiano e strumenti di gioco responsabile.

Affidarsi a strategie di scommesse basate su modelli di successo di altri giocatori può essere un’ottima idea, ma ricorda sempre che il fattore fortunato ha un peso. Non esiste una formula magica che garantisca la vittoria, ma consultare le recensioni plinko ti darà un’idea di quali strategie potrebbero funzionare meglio. Alcuni tavoli possono includere moltiplicatori o bonus extra che possono essere attivati in condizioni specifiche. Tali caratteristiche possono rendere il gioco ancora più avvincente e potenzialmente più redditizio. È pertanto importante fare delle ricerche e leggere le recensioni plinko per capire quale tipo di esperienza ciascun tavolo può offrire.

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EXCLUSIVE: Tory MP WITHOUT second job exposed

NAME AND SHAME: Extensive scrutiny of the list of members’ interests has thrown up an anomaly. There appears to be a Conservative MP who does not have a second job. 

LCD Views checked out not just the Official Register, but the lesser known Complete Register which goes into a lot more detail. This is kept jealously by Tory Central HQ, and its purpose is to make sure the gravy train stays on the rails. Occasionally though it gets leaked, genuinely accidentally for once, by careless MPs who share it on their WhatsApp groups and unsecure email accounts.

One name that appears on neither list is Finn Gersin-Manypies, Tory MP for the Rotten Borough of Morecash-in-the-Bank. Gersin-Manypies has a poor attendance record, although he has consistently voted for measures designed to enrich himself and to divert responsibility elsewhere.

This is the typical profile of an MP who treats government as a hobby, while raking it in big time from more lucrative employment. One thinks of Boris Johnson, never too busy running the country to pose for another photo-op, or bang out another fifteen hundred words of purest guff for The Daily Telegraph. Or Geoffrey Cox, pocketing hundreds of thousands of pounds for speaking impressively in Court and only attending Parliament on his days off (allegedly).

You think of the disgraced Owen Paterson, with his “second” jobs being as his employer’s inside agent. And there are many more such humdrum examples.

But what does Gersin-Manypies actually get up to when not MP-ing? Nobody really knows, and no Tory MP admits to knowing him. Nor does Morecash-in-the-Bank appear on any map. But his voting record is identical to over 100 other, equally anonymous MPs.

Nobody seems to know who is wielding this incredibly block vote, which enables the Tories to ram through any piece of legislation they like. Nobody seems to know where the salaries go to, either.

“I consider the matter closed,” said the PM in response to our questions. “Now is not the time, nor will it ever be.”

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BREAKING : Government to change dictionary definition of corruption to mean honour

WELCOME TO THE MINISTRY OF TRUTH: The government has abandoned yet another parliamentary principle. This time the rule they have smashed apart is “never go full Orwell”. 

“War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.” And now these delicious statements are joined by “Corruption is honour”. 

In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act. This latest statement, being both (internal) truth and (external) deceit, makes it a paradoxical tautology on a par with Brexit Means Brexit. 

For there is hardly an influential Conservative MP without fingers in many pies. Our right honourable friends are as corrupt as shit. Picture the covid crisis, for example. Watch as £37bn is spent, on apparently very little, right under the watchful eyes of the Clandestine Anti-Corruption Commander, who failed to notice his wife creaming off exorbitant sums of public money. Rejoice as Matt’s Mates are given squillions, ostensibly to obtain PPE but in fact to splash out on mansions. Cheer the well connected company which took government money to buy overpriced equipment which was never used, and instead stored it in its own facility, charging £1m per day for storage. 

All part of the loyal, patriotic, honorable business of diverting public money into private hands. 

Then let’s consider the entirely honourable business of paying MPs for favours. Owen Paterson was forced to resign not because he was “corrupt”, but did the dishonourable thing of being found out. 

There is no need to mention the fact that £3m is the going rate for a peerage these days. 

By simply redefining what woke lefties call corruption as honour, so many obstacles are removed from the path to Brexit nirvana. 

There is nothing wrong with using money and influence to gain more money and influence. This is why such business must be conducted using burner phones, which may then be “lost”, “broken”, or “given away”, according to the Lord Bethell List of Plausible Excuses. 

After all, what the eye does not see, the heart does not grieve over. 

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BREAKING: Cost of a peerage reduced to only £3m thanks to Brexit

LORDING IT OVER US: Another Brexit benefit has been discovered. Thanks to the reduction in EU red tape, the price of a seat in the House of Lords has been reduced to a cut-price £3m.

Those who say this devalues the peerage have been denounced as jealous moaning woke snowflakes, by people who also insist on civility in public life. 

“You don’t get something for nothing,” chided Justin Uffter-Livon, Number Ten’s special advisor on frequent parliamentary pay rises. “As we all know, the basic, and I use the word advisedly, salary for an MP is barely sufficient for sustaining the bare essentials.” 

That’s another issue. How can political influence be a commodity to be bought and sold in a modern democracy? 

“It is a reward for blameless and selfless work on behalf of the Conservative Party,” said Uffter-Livon. “And now, thanks to the elimination of EU red tape, we have removed any lefty obligations to demonstrate any kind of public service. This means that we can now deliver democracy at a very reasonable price!” 

Is interesting that “only” £3m is described as “very reasonable”. It is a price way beyond the means of most people. 

“I dispute that,” said Uffter-Livon. “In fact, there must be a device to ensure that the hoi polloi, the riff raff, the great unwashed, never threaten the Great British power structures. They are being excluded for their own good, so that the country may be rightly ruled by those sufficiently high skilled. Indeed, lowering the bar to just £3m has opened up the field to many more suitable candidates.”

Presumably the next logical step is to sponsor a Lord, and reduce Parliament to a franchise system paid for by the wealthy? 

“Great idea, thank you,” smirked Uffter-Livon. “Cash for questions? No, Money for Members. It’s the way backwards, I mean forwards.” 

Buy a Baron! Roll up, roll up! 

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Boris Johnson to take personal responsibility for fighting corruption

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL: With Westminster rocked by corruption scandals, and many further allegations flying around, it’s time to Take Back Control. The most-investigated Prime Minister ever, Boris Johnson, has vowed to take full personal responsibility for standing up for high standards and decency.

There is only one small problem with this. Johnson, apparently, has absolutely no idea what the expression “take full personal responsibility” means.

This has never stopped him promising it, though. For example, despite the PM’s promise to take full personal responsibility for the UK’s pandemic response, we have a world beating death rate per capita. This responsibility for Brexit talks and Brexit job losses has not remotely been matched by any action. His full personal responsibility for Air Bridges for overseas holidaymakers is matched only to his commitment to the Garden Bridge, the Contract Bridge, the Bridge Over Troubled Water and Andrew Bridgen.

So the news that he is to take full personal responsibility for fighting corruption is to be welcomed in the same way that Johnson welcomes another trip to the STI clinic or a detox session. On his watch, we know that (for example) one company was contracted to buy PPE at an inflated price. When this proved to be unusable, it was simply stored – causing a shortage of shipping containers – and the same company charges £1m per day in storage charges. So no corruption there. Absolutely nothing to see.

And surely this is only the tip of the iceberg. Only this week we have seen Johnson’s desperate attempts to change the rules on corruption and accountability so that they do not apply to him. If that’s not taking full personal responsibility, then I don’t know what is.

But we may rest assured. With the Prime Minister in charge of marking his own plagiarised homework, what could possibly go wrong?

The megabucks stop here.

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BREAKING : Boris Johnson ENDS climate change by changing the definition of climate change

COP THAT : WORLD LEADERS are to be rewarded for all the hard work they’ve done lately in talking about climate change by world leading UK world leader Boris Johnson.

“It’s great PR having everyone get together and talk about the need to do something before we all die,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve scheduled further talks to talk about doing something before we all burn and suffocate in our own inability to put longterm ecological viability over the short term profit of oil producers. There’s nothing to worry about. Climate change is well underway. I mean well in hand. We’re going to make a success of it.”

And to prove how easily it will be to make a success of climate change Mr Johnson is to lead the world in tackling it. Instantly. It will all now just go away.

“He’s going to change the definition of climate change,” the source beams. “It’s worked for the Tory government since coming back to its rightful place as holders of office. We have a problem with unemployment? Simple. Change the definition of unemployment. Same with poverty. The same with pandemic death figures. Anything you like basically. If a word is giving you trouble because it screams reality, just change its definition to point away from reality. Then you can sit back and soak up the profits.”

What the new definition is will also be seen as a further sign of Mr Johnson’s visionary genius. His ability to cut through the knottiest of Gordian knots.

“This is where it gets really clever. It’s easy to do something big about climate change,” the source explains. “You’ll love it. Mr Johnson will mention Alexander the Great. This will show he’s serious because he’s used as classical reference. Then he’ll just change the definition of climate change to weather. It’s a stroke of genius. Everyone knows weather is changeable. Now there is nothing to worry about. We’ve cut through the Gordian knot and can all go back to business as usual.”

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The rest of Kent to be concreted in “boom for British concrete farming”

GREEN CRED : The government is to attempt to get back on the front foot this weekend by announcing the one giant building project the PM is capable of driving through to success. Operation : Carpark Kent has been a highlight of Mr Johnson’s time in office with vast swathes of England’s most green and pleasant landscape already converted into a “tangible and concrete symbol” of Brexit.

“The treasury has agreed to allocate a further £200 billion pounds to buy the concrete required to finish the task of concreting over Kent,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even Mr Sunak was able to see it is necessary. He took time out of his styling his hair for a Christmas swimsuit calendar to green lit the spending on the project.”

The only potential snag in the “big boom for infrastructure spending” seems to lie in finding enough qualified truck drivers to get the concrete pouring.

“That’s not as big an obstacle as critics would have you believe,” the source shrugs. “We’re changing the rules again on Class 1 licences. Now family pets can get involved. A well trained dog can easily navigate driving a concrete truck straight through a cottage garden and then hit the button that says ‘pour’. Afterwards they get a treat. It keeps them motivated.”

Local Kent residents who maybe opposed to the further expansion of Inland Customs Facilities will simply be ignored by Downing Street.

“It’s what the people voted for,” the source reminds critics. “We said we were going to level up the country and Kent is going to be especially level once it’s completely covered in concrete. Operation : Carpark Kent will make the UK world leaders in concrete farming. That’s not to be sniffed at. Unlike whatever we’ve been on which has convinced us to do it.”

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U.K. Government push to achieve corruption of MPs via natural infection hits setback

DIG DEEP AND CARRY ON : It’s been an undeniably bad week for the UK Prime Minister, with even The Daily Mail sensing profit in turning on him by the closing stages of play.

The trouble appears to centre on an alleged attempt to tear up the final vestiges of accountability and scrutiny. Which was going great guns until a wave of public nausea so severe 10 Downing Street was left “literally mopping out the spontaneous deluge of vomit”.

“We were just trying to infect all MPs with a sense of entitlement so strong anything goes,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “If you want to do something and you are capable of doing it, you should be able to do it. Foreign interests have spent vast sums to groom British MPs to believe that. Public interest be damned. Just look at Brexit. Titanic victory. Corruption has been a runaway success among Conservatives. Being born to office gives them a head start of course. We’ll take stock and try again. Admittedly the punishments for being caught redhanded are ridiculously light and we should just carry on with business as usual. But being told no really rankles men and women who’ve never heard the word.”

Others have said that the problem lies right at the top of government. The Prime Minister is the focus of numerous investigations into his conduct in office and if Downing Street was able to tear up the oversight of his actions then all those ridiculous inquiries could just be made to go away.

“We have to find a way to completely evade scrutiny,” the source goes on. “We got Brexit done by calling any sane and sensible questioning of its wisdom unpatriotic. So the trick appears to lie in working out how to label anyone saying MPs shouldn’t receive vast sums of money to lobby for corporate interests unpatriotic. Then all the PM’s troubles can just float away and we can become wealthy while struggling to survive on an MPs miserly salary.”

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Downing Street sets up “Operation – Stable Door” to oversee mask wearing by Tory MPs

DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT : 10 Downing Street is said to be alarmed by the completely baffling wave of CV-19 among MPs. So concerned they have set up a new working group to study the how’s and why’s of the outbreak.

“I’m as baffled as you are,” an unmasked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “All the MPs know each other. Some of them extremely well. If you look at the ranks of Brexiter and Lexiter MPs most of them are great chums, in spite of being in opposing parties, that largely explains the state of the country right there. So how the virus was able to just rip through the House of Commons is really confusing. Knowing someone is the best way to not catch an infectious disease from them. Just ask anyone down an STD clinic.”

While the reasons behind the potentially lethal virus catching on in the Commons maybe confusing everyone, the attempt to hinder more infections is bound to be contentious.

“Some girly swots are saying MPs are just like other mortals and breathe in and exhale. This can lead to them both breathing out and inhaling in harmful virus particles. And a mask can reduce that risk. Complete shocker. Who’d have thought it? Especially government MPs. Most of them are so dead inside you wouldn’t have thought it possible. But here we are.”

While the push will be made to inhibit the spread of the virus inside the Commons, it is hoped the greater effort to keep masks a culture war issue won’t be damaged. The profits of PPE companies rely on it.

“We didn’t get to where we are with our world leading pandemic response by convincing people that basic and minuscule personal sacrifices like mask wearing and social distancing are just sensible public health precautions to care for other people. We’re British. We’re immune to such pragmatism. To have to now ask MPs to wear masks to stop them harming each other is a bit rum. What if the public follow their example? Tory MPs do not do personal sacrifice to help other people. It goes against the entire code of conduct.”

Supporters of the initiative though have said Operation : Stable Door should be viewed as a complete success so long as “remote voting by MPs does not come into fashion”.

“If we have to start modernising our system of government using available technology the entire Johnson administration is in deep trouble,” the source. “He needs the farce of the Commons as a fig leaf on his complete and utter unsuitability for office.”