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BREAKING : PM unable to comment on damning pandemic report because “it’s siesta”

LET THE LIES PILE AS HIGH AS THE BODIES : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is facing no pressure to comment on the damning report into his handling of the pandemic as he’s on holiday.

The decision to go to Spain has been explained as a “coincidence” and he would have chosen differently had he known the report was due to be released this week.

“It’s not for nothing that Mr Johnson is known as a lucky general,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He manages to get all his troops slaughtered time after time and then gets a promotion. That’s seriously lucky. He’s unstoppable. You can all be reassured that the Tory economic plan for the future of the UK economy of just money laundering and arms sales is well in hand. Who needs to be in the office to coordinate that? No one.”

Some intrepid souls did try and reach the Prime Minister for comment, but they failed to raise even a whimper.

“That’s because Mr Johnson is a skilled diplomat and is respecting local customs while he’s in Lord Goldsmith’s villa in Marbella,” the source explained. “If reporters tried getting comment from him when he isn’t in siesta they may fare better. Just try him anytime before or after the hours of 00:01 and 23:59:59 any day. It’s really not too much to ask that his effort to fit in with his idea of the Spanish lifestyle be sacrosanct during a well earned break from accountability.”

When asked what the PM would have chosen to do had the MPs taken the effort to give him advance warning of the release day of their report, the source replied, “He would have ramped up his efforts. He would have gone the extra mile. He would definitely have gone even further away. Easter Island or maybe even Pitcairn Island.”

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Minister reveal new crisis management plan is to “F*ck crises”

LET THE CRISES PILE HIGH: As one self imposed crisis follows another, the government has revealed its new crisis management plan. This time, special advisers have gone straight to the top and adapted one of Boris Johnson’s most famous principles. 

Codenamed “Dr Dolittle”, the plan is less talking to the animals and more doing very little. The minister responsible let slip that, in brief, the plan amounts to “f*ck crises”. 

“Our plan is simple and highly effective,” claimed Disaster Mismanagement minister Letty Tappen. “My job is to de-escalate any crisis by promising decisive action in the near future, before moving on to the next crisis.” 

Ministers have worked night and day to come up with a Crisis Management Plan. Careful examination of this mighty document revealed that most of it had been copied and pasted from the Articles of Association of a pizza delivery chain. 

There were, however, several pages of seemingly original waffle. Under a paragraph of meaningless drivel, came the following list:

  • Face the public
  • Use dramatic language
  • Calm the situation
  • Keep a sympathetic manner 
  • “Carry on as normal” 
  • “Robust action will be taken” 
  • “I will do my very best” 
  • “Sometimes tough decisions are needed” 
  • “Everyone must take personal responsibility” 
  • Say it all again

“Acronym means acronym,” explained Tappen. “Our government’s care and attention to detail run like a golden thread through this document. We are also considering the manufacture and distribution of a badge reading ‘Crisis’ to anyone directly affected.” 

If you can find a manufacturer and a distributor, that is, during a manufacturing and distribution crisis. 

“There is no crisis,” said Tappen soothingly. “And even if there was one, there wouldn’t be one, because ‘There is no crisis’ is the first rule of government. And even if there was a crisis so big even we couldn’t ignore it, then there would be very little we could do. Everything will settle down again in a couple of days, so let’s ignore the scaremongering in the press and the endless complaints from remoaners. F*ck crises, we’ve got a country to milk for all it’s worth!”

It would be more productive to talk to the animals, to be fair. 

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Lord Frost receives honorary doctorate from Trump University

LORD DRUMPF OF DRUMPF : The UK’s most prominent unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost is celebrating today after the announcement he has received an honorary doctorate from a prestigious international university.

The doctorate confirms little Lord David as a Doctor of International Diplomacy and is being greeted as a just reward for his tireless efforts to be Boris Johnson’s personal wrecking ball through both the UK relationship with its entire continent, and more specifically into the fragile peace in Northern Ireland.

Lord Frost is expected to attend a mask-less award ceremony later this winter and receive the doctorate in person from the University’s CEO Donald Trump.

Speaking to the press about the decision a spokesman for Trump University released the following statement,

“Not many people know this but Lord Frost is like an adopted son to Donald Trump. The way he makes deals and backtracks on his commitments is Trumpian to a tee. No one has done more damage to the relations between the limeys and those other people who live somewhere close than Davey. Former President Trump is considering hiring him to negotiate his return to the White House.”

Critics of Lord Trump’s antics have been quick to point out that an honorary doctorate from a defunct, and fraudulent university, is no gong at all. However supporters of both Lord Frost and his organ grinder Boris Johnson say the prize is perfectly Brexit.

“Brexit is one great big dishonest fraud perpetrated by weird little men with deep insecurity complexes. A doctorate from Trump University is about as good as it gets.”

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PM draws up contingency plan to extend holiday if another UK crisis strikes

10 SUN LOUNGE STREET : Welcome reassurance for anxious Brits today after Downing Street confirmed that contingency plans had been drawn up in case another crisis hits the UK while Prime Minister Boris Johnson is away.

Initial speculation had focused on who was actually running the country in the PM’s absence, but that was settled to everyone’s satisfaction by a look at the list of Tory Party MP’s donors. It’s reasonable to assume you don’t pour millions into the pockets of politicians for nothing. Nonetheless there must at least be a show of the traditional structures of UK governance being in place.

“We have the food supply, fuel supply, pandemic, farming, fishing, energy and basic democratic accountability crises ongoing,” a source from 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “They are all really strong and keeping everyone very busy. But some have asked what would happen if another crisis hits while Mr Johnson is um, ah, working from home in Spain?”

Clearly strong leadership is required to lead a nation which is in perpetual self-generated crisis, but happily Mr Johnson will provide the consistent lead the ship requires.

“The contingency plan is composed of many working parts,” the source explains. “Various Tory MPs will team up with our courtiers in the media to deny any new crisis is occurring at all. That normally buys a few days. Then we’ll admit there is a limited problem before apportioning blame onto the sector we caused the problem to occur in. It’s a well rehearsed playbook now. There’s nothing to worry about. There’s just one extra string added to the bow.”

The extra string concerns the geographical location of the PM himself.

“Whatever the crisis is it will not impact on Mr Johnson. You can be reassured of that. And if it’s really bad he will extend his holiday.”

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I can’t remember which way I voted in the referendum, claims Boris Johnson

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Amnesia has struck our work-shy holiday addict of a Prime Minister. The man who claims he got elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done has conveniently forgotten which way he voted in the referendum. 

A Downing Street aide, Enda McTether, admitted this startling fact, while both confirming and denying that Johnson was away on an all expenses paid jolly. 

“The Prime Minister is not available to answer such trivial matters,” McTether scolded. “Don’t you know, he’s working night and day sorting out all this mess that definitely isn’t his fault.” 

We heard that he’s currently on holiday. 

“He strained a sinew and needs a rest,” confirmed McTether. “But he’s still working as hard as ever, he will not stop until he drops, so it’s not really a holiday is it, after all Marbella isn’t just a luxury resort on the Med, it’s a hotbed of workaholics, it has more laptops than Venice you know!” 

More sunbed than hotbed, by the sound of it. 

“You can top up your tan and sort out six kinds of national crisis at the same time!” screeched McTether. “Boris is in constant touch with Dominic Raab in case anything goes wrong!” 

Let’s just hope the sea is open again. So, now we know that Johnson is on holiday, even though he isn’t, and right on top of Carrie if nothing else, why don’t you let us know how he voted in the referendum? 

“He can’t remember, he’s slept since then!” said the very agitated McTether. “But it was definitely the right decision! It’s water under the bridge, it’s a private matter… it’s time to move on!” 

He’s pricked his own bubble. No wonder there’s so much hot air. The puffed up inflatable prime minister has let himself down. 

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Treasury orders banks to offer mortgages for winter fuel bills

BUILD BACK BIGGER BILLS : THE UK’S CHANCELLOR Rishi “bootstrap” Sunak has proven again that he hasn’t lost the common touch he was born with by taking action on the alarming escalation of energy costs for UK households.

“The decision to sell off the UK’s gas storage sites and leave the EU common energy market because it has EU in its name has revolutionised the UK energy customers relationship with global dynamics,” a Treasury source told LCD Views. “Mr Sunak understands that some voters maybe mildly alarmed by a threefold increase in energy costs over the last week. He has taken action to correct this.”

The action appears to be in easier financing for bills.

“UK consumers won’t be without heating this winter if they simply apply for an energy market,” the source explains. “The free market will provide the loans at levels similar to student loan debt. It will be very affordable.”

The length of the mortgage terms will be relatable too.

“You can choose any length so long as the bank is happy you can pay it,” the source adds. “A twenty five year gas fuel mortgage will not add disproportionately to a household’s outgoings, especially when you consider the extra income that can be generated by taking your children out of school and sending them to work.”

Mr Johnson is said to be supportive of the scheme, but that is mostly because he has zero understanding of how the country used to function.

“Neither does Sunak,” the source shrugs. “As such they’re well placed to help Britons avoid freezing to death this winter. Maybe.”

The mortgages can be secured against any valuables that your extended family may possess too.

“We’ll be making your pensions accessible to heat your home. If you can’t afford the repayments on your gas mortgage you won’t have to worry about paying the mortgage in retirement as you’ll be in the workhouse.”

We couldn’t have revolutionised the energy market in the UK if it wasn’t for Brexit.

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Boris Johnson has ‘thought’ at press conference

After Downing Street had announced earlier today that Boris Johnson was to have a ‘thought’ at some time during the day, a press conference was speedily arranged so that he could deliver his thought to a loyal and expectant crowd. Originally, the conference was to have been held outside Number Ten but it soon became apparent that the public was clamouring to be present in great numbers.

Speculation grew rapidly over what precisely the thought might be. Experts dismissed the idea that it was related to Strictly Come Dancing’s AJ Odudu’s performance last weekend, but some thought it might be whether Gareth Southgate would start Grealish against Hungary on Tuesday night, or play Foden as a roaming inside forward just behind Kane and Sterling. Southgate commented, ‘I’m in a quandary over this and if the PM can bring his expertise on a 3-4-1-2 formation, I for one would be delighted.’

As the crowds began to gather in Parliament Square, their ears pressed to their transistor radios, buses and taxis came to a standstill. Impromptu performances by Ed Sheeran and Gary Barlow did nothing to dampen the joyous mood. Kevin and Doris Pastie, both dressed head to foot in Union Jacks, were typical of the many Brits in attendance. ‘We’ve come all the way from Welwyn Garden City just to be here when Boris tells us his thought,’ said Kevin. Doris added, ‘It’s brought the country together, there’s people of all types here. I met someone from Aspatria. I asked him how long he’d been in England but I don’t think he’s learned the language yet!’

Despite being nearly an hour late, the PM received a rousing cheer when he appeared on the stage. A chorus of Rule Britannia echoed around Westminster and it was some minutes before Mr Johnson could be heard. The crowd impatiently hushed each other and, with enraptured faces, gazed at the PM.

‘Earlier today I had a thought,’ he began. ‘Unfortunately, it’s um a case of non cogito and it’s gone completely out of my head. Nil desperado, it’ll come back to me as, indeed, I hope you will ha ha.’ The tumultuous crowd roared its approval as the PM left the stage.

Slowly the happy crowd dispersed, leaving only a small boy holding a bedraggled flag. ‘What the fuck?’ he said.

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Boris Johnson said to view possibility of a “three day working week” as terrifying

WORK TO LIVE : THE PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be “deeply alarmed”, “monumentally stupefied” and “catatonic in terror” at the prospect of the shrinking UK industrial base having to cut short the working week due to the gas crisis.

So alarmed is the prime minister he has had to take a “quick getaway” to “get some perspective” on the baffling and growing crises afflicting the UK which are believed to be “coming out of nowhere”.

The decision to get away from it all has been supported by Tory MPs who are also mostly doing “fuck all” about the many problems the country now faces.

“It’s not just energy, water, food, petrol, credibility, tax increases, food poverty and the very real prospect of complete societal breakdown,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “MPs are also frantic at the prospect of the three day working week being introduced. None more so than the Boss.”

The concern focuses completely on the amount of work that will be expected if it happens.

“It will treble our expected weekly output,” one anonymous Tory clapping seal told LCD Views. “That is not why we entered public service. We came into politics to be bankrolled by sanctioned Russian oligarchs. Not to do any work.”

But while the MPs themselves are “mortified” the situation is of course even graver for Mr Johnson.

“It’s a bit of a maths problem we can’t work out,” an aide for the PM told this world beating publication. “He currently does no work at all ever. But if he has to start working three day weeks what is that? How do you multiply nothing and come up with a result?”

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Downing Street launch public information campaign to prepare for winter

BREXMAS IS COMING : DOWNING STREET is to continue with the fine tradition of spaffing millions up the wall of billboards with a public information campaign aimed at preparing Britons for the coming winter.

Rumours leaking out of 10 Downing Street suggest there was considerable debate over what the public information campaign should focus on, with a split in the cabinet between highlighting the best dishes to cook your neighbours with for high nutritional value, and a less alarmist focus on just eating your own pets.

“It’s vitally important for community cohesion that people just eat their own animals,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Neighbours are likely to turn on each other if the classic Sunday roast is the £1500 toy poodle from up the street and not your own rescue cat.”

A website is planned with recipe ideas for everything from small birds like finches and all the way up to large dogs like Great Danes.

“We would like to encourage people to club together during the colder months. Mostly each other’s pets of course. Maybe take turns and have each other over for dinner? Although if I were you I’d extend the first invite!”

The Prime Minister himself is said to favour also spending five hundred billion on a user friendly cooking app.

“You just put in the species you plan to cook over the chopped up sofa in your backyard and it will provide a range of recipes based on your geographical location. This is a key feature as different areas of the country have different herbs and weeds available for forage through winter.”

But critics on the opposition benches have hit back at the plan and said the focus is clearly discriminatory as not everyone has a yard. No less a placard crusader than a former leader of the official opposition is to do what he has done best for decades and hold a sign saying “What about people who live in flats?” before going shopping for a new tracksuit.

Mr Johnson is to end the campaign with the approach of spring in 2022 and promise everyone the possibility of “great new pets” in the future. Which perfectly fits his pattern of governance.

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PM celebrates creation of high wage low skilled political elite

BUILD BACK BLATHER : The dust is settling on the abandoned canapes and the last tortured strains of karaoke are spasming in the sticky corners of a Manchester function room with the dead skin cells lost during the frenzied Torygasm. The success of the eternal Tory project has been celebrated for another year.

“Of course it never ends,” a partied out 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “So long as people are inventing new things, developing novel industries and ideas there will be other’s work to appropriate and pretend it is your own. That is where the profit lies. Take the endeavour of someone else’s life and crack it open like a nut to eat what is inside. Discard the shell. Ignore their baffled eyes. The day to day work of Toryism is on a higher plane. You can see its contrails on high. Blood red blue blood. Pass the caviar darling. Prepare the blood transfusions….”

The higher plain where the work of centuries goes on. Taking the fat from the lamb while the lamb struggles on. Baffled eyes. Distorted nostrils. It eats the meagre grass at its feet while its foul shepherd carves away its flanks. Again and again. The EU almost ruined it. What with its guaranteed minimum standards and rights. Brexiter and Lexiter joined together to set that right. Embrace Brexit they say, so I can continue to fight for you safe with my public pay. Who is the greater devil? The one who comes in the night or the one who stands there like a fucking doorstop to let the devil in?

“Not just anyone can be an MP,” the source muses, finger trailing around the lipsticked edge of a fractured champagne flute. Dust motes in the reflected sparkles of a disco ball. Bones at the source’s feet. Bones of an aspiration albatross taken from the back of someone born dirt poor and chained in the womb. Ring through its beak. Then drag it to the dance floor and slaughter it amongst the tight circle of the clan. Chant “UC cut!” as the last embers of hope die in the mythical creature’s eyes. Poverty is motivational, right?

“What next I wonder?” the source of wonder. “We need a high wage, high skill economy. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”

Prepare the sacrifice. Build back blather. Batter the poor and fry ’em.