OPERATION BOWSER : 10 DOWNING STREET has reportedly been in a “huddle” over a crate of Masseto Toscana IGT, said to have been gifted to the Prime Minister from someone believed to have a villa in Tuscany. While the preference is usually for the most expensive wine that can be purchased and delivered as a gift from France, the PM is reported to be “thinking outside the box” to solve the fuel crisis.
“He’s come up with a crowd pleaser,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “A solution that will have many Tory MPs bursting their britches in delight and will warm the cockles of the ageing Sun and Mail readers.”
A solution is needed for the fuel crisis fast as currently 50-85% of the UK’s petrol stations have been emptied in panic buying. Quite why trust in the government has eroded to this point isn’t yet understood, but many are ready to blame Brussels.
“Conscription will get this sorted,” the source says. “Just imagine the joy on the faces of kippers and gammon up and down the land when they see the headlines on the papers? It’s not them who’ll be conscripted, so that’s alright. They can rest easy in their petrol queue knowing that some young layabout who’s had it too good their whole life will be wrenched out of their day to day routine and put in uniform.”
In order to get the numbers needed to fill the HGV void a press gang style conscription will be used.
“Just as soon as we’ve conscripted the soldiers to form the press gangs. This is a necessary first step because all the existing armed forces are currently already driving trucks, ambulances and picking fruit. It’s a mystery which idiots allowed armed forces to get so low in numbers over the last decade. Presumably it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”
Anyone not wishing to be conscripted can get an opt-out though, if they prepare in advance.
“Just be born into the family of a Tory or a donor and you’ll get a free pass and a PPE contract to apologise for the inconvenience.”
Join the army! Quick! Johnson is deploying it in so many areas he’s buggered already we’re definitely going to need more squaddies.