PANIC OVER : We all know that the public is easily bored of such mundane parts of everyday life like food and fuel, which is why the UK government is forever inventing new baubles and medals.
While it’s all very well for peers, nurses, care workers and royalty to get all the medals, what about the everyday man and woman in the street? How does he feel as he watches the knife fight by the pumps? He is bristling with resentment at the awareness a nurse who has so far survived the pandemic is paying her carparking fees with a badge and he’s got nothing?
Well, to help foster the spirt of national cohesion that will drive Brexit Britain forward, the government have come up with a wonderful solution.
“This is why we engineered a fuel panic buying crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s definitely not because we’re just incredibly stupid. We’re actually magnificently malicious. But we’ll give you a bit of plastic you can pin on your shirt and feel proud about it.”
The badges themselves will say “PETROL” and will be distributed on all petrol forecourts so people can drive home believing they have filled up.
“Your tank will be bursting with pride once you pin on your PETROL badge,” the source tells LCD Views. “This is not just gesture politics. This is a meaningful gesture, especially as you’ll be paying for it.”
It’s hoped the quiet satisfaction the badges will imbue will help people hold out patiently while the remaining four soldiers the Tories have yet to cut from the Armed Forces come to you personally with a thimble of fuel.
Get your PETROL badge today and pin it on yourself with pride. Just be careful. Don’t try and eat it! Wait till next week when we start handing out FOOD badges at the supermarket!