WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON appears currently to be missing in action as his country is overwhelmed by one crisis after another, caused by Boris Johnson. But a source inside 10 Downing Street says this is not so.
“Yes he is nowhere to be seen, that much is obvious,” acknowledges the Downing Street voice. “But that doesn’t mean he is idle. And he is not fitting out the emergency fridge with gold wallpaper, as some scurrilous reports suggest. He is hard at work in negotiations with the EU.”
The negotiations are said to revolve around the UK rejoining the Single Market on an “emergency basis” for three months. This will make saving Christmas easier and take care of other temporary teething problems being experienced by Brexit UK.
“The Home Secretary is supportive. She will get to round up and throw out EU workers again. It gets her giddy. Rishi Sunak has said ‘whatever man’ as he is currently having his hair styled for a Christmas calendar. The rest of the cabinet are also nodding along. That’s because they value staying in the cabinet above anything else. So it’s a cinch. We’re just going to explain to the EU they need us more than we need them and we’re back in.”
What the Commission thinks about this, or indeed EU member states individually is not important, because we’re British.
“We will need a bit of sleight of hand to pull it off though,” the source admits. “Most of the ongoing negotiations revolve around convincing the EU to rename the Single Market the Great British Single Market. This way we can pretend domestically that they have some asking us to rejoin. It’s pretty straight forward.”
And just in case you are wondering what Plan B is if this fails.
“This is no Plan B under the administration of Boris Johnson, or Major Crisis as we’ve nicknamed him indoors.”