THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM : 10 DOWNING STREET is to follow the amazing victory for Brexiters over crowns on pint glasses by seizing the banana by the horn.
Later this week a press conference will be held to excite everyone with the news that a secret working group, the BRG, has been studying bananas for months. The group is believed to include the “Brexit Spartans”, is taxpayer subsidised (to ensure quality lunches) and has been hard at work with that most iconic of fruits to Brexiters.
“The banana has long been a symbol of British sovereignty and global power,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “In recent years the European Commission has attempted to degrade that sovereignty with attempts to meddle in British bananas. Thanks to Brexit we have taken back control of bananas so fully we may well found a republic.”
Exactly what the correct curvature of a banana is in order to qualify as British isn’t yet clear.
“That’s why we’ve done the research,” the source explains. “We measured the knees of proper British men while the leg was flexed in various positions. We then found the optimal angle for complete control of our borders. This we used to study bananas of varying shapes and sizes. The ones that looked the most patriotic were used to set a minimal curvature. A law will shortly be passed in parliament to make it clear to everyone what is a British banana and what is a lesser one from Europe.”
Lesser bananas will be seized by UK border force and then repatriated to Europe in exchange for seasonal fruit pickers on temporary visas.
“Next time you hold a banana you’ll known it is a British banana,” the source adds. “We will never again say we have no bananas today, unless they’re foreign ones. And yes, we couldn’t have done this without Brexit.”