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Government denies Ministry for Denying Reality has been created

Her Majesty’s Government, which governs without majesty but with a pathological addiction to cruelty in governance, has been forced today to push its newest minister out across the country’s radio and TV shows to deny something.

”I deny it categorically,” Mrs Push-Me-Pull-You, MP for Scat-on-Plates, told a credulous John Humphrys, “At no point has Downing Street created a Ministry for Denying Reality.”

Mr Humphrys could be heard nodding along, comfortable in the cerebral cholesterol cotton wool of confirmed bias and great age (of the kind which need bother not with inquiries that may confront preconceived notions).

”But has any other street created a Minister for Denying Reality?” Humphrys asked, slowly, “I have an A to Z somewhere, I can check.”

The Secretary of State for Denying Reality simply shrugged, which was transmitted by the BBC to a grateful nation, by way of a pre-recording of doves cooing.

”So that’s that then, at no point has HMG created a Ministry for Denying Reality.”

”I wouldn’t be doing my job if I confirmed it. So you’re correct John,” The Secretary of State for Denying Reality confirmed, “and if any journalist proves otherwise we trust our good Lexiter friends on the Labour benches to blame it on Blair, Brown, the Libdems and presumably that hippy from the Green Party. She’s getting too popular. Although I will add in a professional capacity, I deny she even exists.”

It was an important clarification. Also the additional denials that £500M a week is now being spent on the denial of reality, and that thousands of civil servants have been recruited to work in the ministry, instead of a more worthy cause like curing homelessness. Hired purely based on whether or not a mirror fogs when held close to their mouth.

Mr Humphrys then thanked the minister.

”I deny this interview even took place,” the minister replied.

”Next up I’ll be shouting we have to wrap up this interview with Lord Adonis, the moment it begins, while simultaneously screaming remoaner at him for balance,” John purred, and his producer Ms Sands gave him a pat on the back.

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Brexit Industries calendar recalled after every date printed as April 1st

The embarrassing calendar was sabotaged as a protest, according to the government. Britain’s historic bid for freedom is being mocked by crybaby losers.

Calendar expert May Bank-Holliday showed LCD Views a copy, and gave us an insider’s view. “Each page has an uplifting slogan or news item,” she revealed. “Like Brexit Means Brexit!! or Historic Trade Deal With Antarctica Unveiled!! Something to raise the spirits.”

She also disclosed that each month there was a picture of a Brexit pin-up. “For example, look here at February. Mr February is Nigel Farage in corset and fishnets,” she said.

The odd thing is that Farage in drag is not the reason for the recall. A blunder by the printers meant that every date reads April 1st.

“Brexit Day is of course Friday March 29th,” Bank-Holliday continued. “The weekend will be taken up with a national street party. Adequate British food and inadequate British wine will be consumed. England’s World Cup victory from 1966 will be played constantly, on a loop. The real start of Brexit will be a hangover on Monday April 1st.”

With that apt metaphor in place, we took the opportunity of glancing through the calendar. It appears that after a few weeks, the inspirational messages underwent a subtle change. “Brexit means Bullshit!!” and “The UK Is The Laughing Stock Of The World!!” featured early on, whereas Mr October was actually Donald Trump holding what looked like a mushroom.

“It wasn’t an error, it was an act of sabotage!” exclaimed DExEU spokesman LaFinn Stock. “Why can’t they understand that Brexit is happening and needs to happen? The saboteurs have made us into a laughing stock!”

Passing over the irony, we asked Stock to explain why Brexit had to happen before April 1st. Sovereignty, maybe, or tighter immigration controls?

“End of the tax year,” he said. “So all the skilled people can enjoy their dividends immediately!”

Sunlit uplands? You could have fooled me.

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Brexit starts drinking its own wee

LCD Views can report live from the scene of the Brexit stand off today with a SHOCK exclusive that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“Late last night as journalists begun tweeting about yet another possible breakthrough in negotiations regarding fantasy versions of a customs union, and completely ignoring the issue of the single market, so not changing anything at all, so still being completely f*cking useless and still ending FOM to keep a small wedge of racist voters happy, one of the hostages managed to get a note out detailing conditions inside the bank basement where Brexit is keeping nearly 70M people hostage.”

It seems conditions have deteriorated so far now that Brexit has begun drinking its own wee.

“We’re not sure if it’s out of the spiral of madness or because Brexit just likes the taste,” our correspondent corresponds, “there are also rumours that the water supply to the basement has been cut off, but again the situation is unclear. Was it cut off to try and force Brexit out and end the hostage situation? Or was it cut off because of a burst water main due to the utility having been privatised and purposefully underfunded for years because the private owners will be unaffected by loss of water?”

What is clear is that Brexit’s smash and grab hostage situation isn’t going to plan.

“This was supposed to be a smash and grab. Get a massive majority in the June 2017 election and then just crash out. Hold a gun to everyone’s head. As no one, business or government, will have had sufficient time to work up contingencies. You’ll have to deal with Brexit. But now?”

Now, it seems after the wee drinking the next stage is a mighty shit sandwich, consumed in a basement no one can get out of, with Brexit blaming the hostages for the taste even though it was Brexit that buttered the bread in the first place.

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US to refer to U.K. as ‘the gimp’ in free trade deal negotiations

Liam Fox was in an upbeat mood today as he searched behind any curtain he saw with the announcement that the US has officially advised the U.K. government that it will refer to the U.K. as ‘the gimp’ in any and all free trade deal negotiations.

”We will also be called ‘the gimp’ in official documents after we strike a deal,” Liam said breathlessly, “this is the special relationship making itself plain as day.”

Dr Fox flicked back another curtain.

”Unlike my own very special friend! Where is that pesky little fellow. Hide and seek is no fun Adam if you can’t be found.”

This assertion drew giggling from a curtain a few feet away. And from the way it moved we’re certain someone was hiding behind it.

“We may even have to rename the United Kingdom as ‘the gimp’ on all correspondence with everyone ever,” Liam said, skipping to the moving curtain, “which will be fine by me. We may even get to dress up when we strike the easiest deal in history!”

But whether or not the new name will go down well with the people of the United Kingdom was unclear.

”The people have spoken,” Liam reminded us, “they don’t need to speak again now that we have Henry VIII powers. Thank you parliament, you great big rubber stamp you.”

And to make sure we all get the connotations of our new nickname the US is expected to use a meeting of the WTO later this month to spell it out.

”Threatening to block our new, non-EU membership of the Global Procurement Programme is just their opening negotiating stance,” Liam reassured, “the end stance is us on our knees in a rubber mask.”

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Winter refusing to say when it’s coming this year

LCD Views has the scoop today on the trials and tribulations currently being faced by world famous weatherman Jon Snow as he attempts to provide a comprehensive forecast for the months ahead.

”He’s not a bastard. Let’s get that clear at the start,,” a talking wolf told us on the condition of anonymity.

Well, he knows who his mum and dad are now. So we can put that to rest, yes. But what about winter?

“Winter is refusing to say when it’s coming this year, normally every year Winter tells Jon it’s coming. And it keeps telling him. And it doesn’t stop telling him. And he tells all of us. But this year…”

Quite what Mr Snow will do is anyone’s guess if he can’t get the lowdown soon.

”He’s time on his side, as he’s not your day to day weather person. No point asking him if it will be good weather for a picnic on the weekend. He’ll just look at you as if you’re insane. He’s a seasonal specialist. You’d think just the inevitable tilting of the Earth on its axis would be a clue for him, but in these crazy times, you can’t be sure of anything.”

Surely he’s bigger fish to fry anyway?

”You mean his complex love life and the legal issues relating to recent discoveries of who he’s been shagging? And the potential for complication of fragile harmonies relating to a life and death war against evil?”

Around that general area, yes.

”Oh, good. For a moment I worried you were going to say winter was already here.”

 

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U.K. expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream

LCD Views can report this morning on exhaustive social media analysis undertaken by the largely discredited University of Life.

”The U.K. is expecting to wake up and discover it was all just a dream,” Professor H‘ardknocks told our social trends correspondent.

”It doesn’t matter where you sit on the political spectrum. If you’re a leaver you can’t understand why WE DONT JUST LEEVE GET OUT NOW!. If you’re a remainer, well, you’re sure this is a nightmare, rather than a dream. Any moment you’ll bolt upright in your bed and know Theresa May wasn’t actually given Henry VIII powers by parliament. Because who in their right mind would give the author of the Hosile Environment that sort of unchecked say over the many?”

Is this largely because we had a whole world war about the dark forces driving along with Brexit, and calling the tune of the Tories, and everyone was invited?

“Precisely.”

What about if you’re a diehard Corbyn supporter?

”We’ll, you’re pinching yourself expecting to wake up. To finally have the messiah so close to absolute power, even if he shows little visible sign of really wanting it, is like a dream come true. It’s even more a dream come true if you ignore all his actions since the referendum and what they mean for your rights. What sort of social democrat supports a hard right project? It’s not real. It must be a dream.”

And what about if you’re Theresa May? The fall guy for the neocon, asset stripping, human hating psychos who’ll hang you out to dry a minute after Brexit?

”Do androids dream of electric sheep?”

Good question.

”It is. I’d say the Maybot is having the time of her pre-programmed life. Getting to turf out millions of foreigners? Yes. A dream come true.”

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Rubbish dumps contain adequate food, claims Michael Gove

Michael Gove has gone back to basics. Scavenging through garbage is a return to being hunter-gatherers, he claims.

LCD Views’ Talking Rubbish correspondent stopped washing and shaving for a few months, donned a filthy duffel coat, borrowed a dog on a string, and went to see the man himself.

“Searching for food is a primal human instinct!” Gove slobbered. “And we all know that supermarkets waste food. Adequate means adequate. Put the two together. It’s a complete no-brainer!”

We suggested, tentatively, that the idea was a particularly brainless one. To our surprise, Gove agreed.

“I discovered the idea while rifling through Jacob Rees-Mogg’s gilt-edged waste parchment basket,” he drooled. “No brain work, but some highly effective recycling! I think you will find that we have very few original ideas, it saves a lot of effort.”

We live in a prosperous first world country, we said. Yet you conjure up images of starving children scouring rubbish dumps for items to eat or sell. Why?

“We will all have to tighten our belts for a short while,” Gove dribbled. “Thirty, fifty or a hundred years, that’s all. You must keep on thinking of the bigger picture. Freedom, sovereignty and a golden future! And we start by searching out nuggets of gold on our own doorsteps. There’s gold in them thar garbage heaps!”

We put it to Gove that simply redistributing surplus food to the hungry would be a more effective way to deal with the problem.

“No, no, no, not at all,” he oozed. “That’s charity, which leaves no room for profit, which is creeping socialism for a creeping Jesus like you, which is very very bad. This way does more for my green credentials!”

You will be suggesting that families send their children up chimneys next!

“Ooh! Thank you!” he slimed. “Note to self: Families can only apply for Universal Credit if they can prove that their children have spent 16 hours a week up a chimney. Lunch?”

The kebab, abandoned last night on top of the dog poo bin, topped with a sprinkling of leaves and seasoned with rainfall, suddenly seemed quite appealing.

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BBCQT production company awarded contract to produce next season of PMQ’s by Downing Street

Amazing news from the Westminster bubble today with the announcement from Downing Street that the integrity driven production company behind BBCQT production has been awarded the contract to produce the next season of PMQ’s.

“By awarding this contract to Sieg Hile TV we will see a return to balance in a format that has often been criticised for being snowflake central,” Mr S Atan, aide to the prime minister’s office told LCD Views.

”Total gammon in the lower house, that’s what you can expect,” he continued, “we expect there will be significant recasting too. A Hitler is to be resurrected to takeover on the prime minister’s dispatch box and J Stalin is in and J Corbyn is out.”

To ensure even greater ratings success the MPs making up the audience in the chamber will be recast too.

”On one side total gammon. Wall to wall salted pork. Also your standard Tory plants. You know the type, joined the Nazi youth at twelve before failing to get elected to a local council at eighteen. Now day jobbing as a rent a crowd member whenever Conservatives need one.”

And on the opposition benches?

”There won’t be any opposition benched. This isn’t a change from the last couple of years of course. But the space will be filled. Mostly it will be filled with Nigel Farage, Paul Nuttall, Isabel Oakeshit and any other neocon stooge we can find.”

The filming of the revised PMQ’s begins this week with the return of parliament.

”Expect a lot of shouting and do not expect anyone who’s gone mad with PC in the audience. Racism, sexism, xenophobia and fetishising of autocratic tendencies will be on the menu and it’ll be shoved down your throats whether you like it or not.”

Oh, so not much of a change after all.

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Corbyn to appeal for support from Conservative voters by reminding them he backs Brexit

Jeremy Corbyn is wasting no time, which is unusual, in responding to his colleague Theresa May’s naked grab for his own support base.

In an op-ed piece published exclusively in the new look Daily Mail today he makes his own appeal for support from Conservative voters.

”Who was it that called for the immediate trigger of Article 50 after the June 23rd 2016 EU referendum?”

He begins on the front foot.

”Who was it that three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50, acting as ally to a beleaguered prime minister in this matter? Before, and this is very important to understand, any serious analysis or preparation of the implications of the decision had been undertaken by the government it is my job to hold to account in our adversarial parliamentary system.”

He follows with a left jab.

”Indeed, who was it who denied their own party whip to vote for an EU ref in 2011, alongside my allies on the Tory benches. Even though we were unsuccessful then, we didn’t give up on Brexit. We fought on.”

He lands a blow some will call low.

”And who is it now who has carried on with ‘constructive ambiguity’ on Brexit even as the jobs and investment and skilled people drain away from the United Kingdom, alongside our internal reputation.”

Good questions.

”My supporters say I can’t do anything about Brexit because I am not in government. For this reason I have also dropped my opposition to austerity and universal credit. Because I can’t do anything about it but watch passively as the Tories tear our social fabric to shreds. I am powerless. But I am also your friend.”

He then completes his appeal with a head butt.

”If you examine my record properly on Brexit, my conservative friends, you will find a natural home for the euroskeptic in today’s modern, 1970’s Labour Party. By pledging to end freedom of movement and withdraw from the single market, your Labour Party, led by me, has succeeded in assisting the Conservatives in throwing the lives of millions into turmoil on either side of the channel,

So in the general election pegged for this December, vote for me, your very own bad Santa.”

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Soros facing bankruptcy as class action for unpaid wages by remainers and Trump opponents begins

George Soros is facing bankruptcy as a class action for unpaid wages by remainers and Trump opponents begins in Budapest.

”He’s stuffed,” our legal eagle, Mr Bald, says, “you think of the millions of people he’s employed on social media to fight Brexit and resist the authoritarian presidency of Donald Trump? Then the people he pays in Hungary to argue against Orban? And all his other employees resisting the far right around the globe? That’s an unpaid wage bill even Trump would be proud of.”

The legal case, which is expected to last about five minutes and be held in the offices of the Budapest office of the Telegraph, is certain to find against the aged philanthropist and investor.

”It’ll be a kangaroo court with a definite international flavour,” Mr Bald continues, “the judge is an Express editor.”

Why the action is taking place in the newspaper office of a city under the control of an increasingly autocratic and dubious government is not quite clear though. What’s wrong with the Old Bailey?

”It’s only necessary to convict him in the court of public opinion,” Mr Bald explains, “this is a fundamental change to the rule of law ushered in by Brexit. It’s going to save everyone masses on legal costs.”

And will our own international enterprise benefit from a backdated windfall, after all, we focus on Brexit a lot.

”No. We’re paid up Tory shills, as some of the more feverish supporters of Corbyn like to explain to us, after exhaustive examination of our time line.”

So we need to sue the Conservative Party then?

”I’ll get right on it. With their access to the magic money tree a settlement in our favour is guaranteed.”

If you’ve yet to receive your payment, after arguing against either Brexit or Trump, we recommend you get onto the legal team representing the Soros social media conspiracy and ask for whatever you think you’re owed.